It’s My Story And I’ll Cry If I Want To
You need to get over this.
I hope you’ll get over this and start writing about other stuff again soon.
It’s terrible what happened, but you need to remember that there’s worse. You didn’t lose a child.
Some people get hate mail. I get hate mail, but I also get mail of a slightly different strain: well-intentioned mail that aims at constructive criticism but lands somewhere in the area of a belly punch.
You need to get over this.
There are worse things.
You didn’t lose a child.
I don’t know if the authors meant for their words to hurt, but hurt they did. I can no more make myself get over my grief than I can make myself stop loving my husband and my children, nor do I want to: my grief over my father’s death is part of me now, part of the emotional landscape that undergirds my whole lifeworld. But my critics – if I can call them that – didn’t mean that I should resolve my grief. They meant that I should stop writing about it. Because, it seems, the death of a parent, while painful, doesn’t warrant long-form narrative consideration. It might be sad, sure, but it’s not the death of a child.
Which, no, it’s not. Nothing compares to the death of a child. But then again, nothing compares to a tsunami, or genocide, or terrorist attacks, or, for that matter, suicide or murder or accidents in bathtubs or long painful illnesses or being struck by a meteor. Tragedies shouldn’t be compared. Anything that causes the human heart to shatter so utterly should not be analyzed for comparative purposes. Facing the pain of loved ones, facing the loss of loved ones – these can cause unbearable, immeasurable pain, irrespective of the who and the why and the how. Such pain can’t be ranked on a scale, weighed against other hurts, other griefs. It’s just pain. Its weight is infinite.
I’ve seen enough Disney movies to know that the Death Of A Parent is just part of The Circle Of Life, and that I should be approaching my own personal tragedy philosophically, that I should be learning from this and embracing my role as my father’s legacy and marching bravely forward and Moving On. But life isn’t a Disney movie, and I’m struggling, because my father’s unexpected death knocked the wind out of me, literally and figuratively, and some days all I can do is sit, gasping, overwhelmed by the pain, the shock of having the landscape of my life so suddenly and irrevocably altered, of having lost, in such a sudden and terrible way, this person who I loved so much and wanted so badly to protect. That pain defies my narrative abilities, and yet narration is all that I have, is my only way through the pain. To be told that I should just get over it, that I should stop struggling to tell the story, stop working through my grief on the page and understand the lowly place of my tragedy in the greater scheme of All Possible Terrible Tragedies and adjust my narrative attitude accordingly – because, really, this story is of very limited appeal, is it not? Where would Disney be if Bambi had spent the whole story in mourning? – hits in a very sore place, a place that I was only dimly aware that I had, a place where all the vulnerabilities of the heart meet all the insecurities of the ego. It hurts there.
This is partly, I suppose, a problem of genre. I am a mommy-blogger, and so some would expect that the lens through which I view tragedy always be adjusted according to the terms of that genre. For a parent, there is – at least according to the literary conventions of written parenthood – no greater horror than the loss of a child, and so as a writer who writes, mostly, about the experience of being a parent, I might reasonably be expected to measure any tragedy against that most dreaded of tragedies and to realize – and, I suppose, to publicly proclaim – that I haven’t suffered the worst tragedy that one can suffer and to be thankful for that and then – of course – to move on. But I am not just a mommy blogger, nor I am just a mommy or a mother or a mom. I was and am and always will be, too, a daughter.
A daughter who just lost her father. It’s going to take me some time to work through that.
Posted by Her Bad Mother on September 28, 2009
Filed under: Dad, heavy, writing
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."What is done out of love always takes place beyond good and evil." (Nietzsche, Aphorism 153, Beyond Good And Evil.) Not, unfortunately, beyond Dora dolls that shout 'WE DID IT!' when you step on them, but you learn to cope with that.
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© 2010 • Her Bad Mother • All Rights Reserved
Sep 28, 2009
You don’t “need” to do anything. Last I knew, you paid your own bills, and that includes your domain and hosting. Everyone else can suck it up or stop reading.
Connie Reply:
September 28th, 2009 at 6:32 pm
Well said Jillian.
Bobbi Janay Reply:
September 28th, 2009 at 9:21 pm
You are right Jillian, you do what you need to do and we are her to support not tell you to get over it.
Bobbi Janay´s last blog ..Last Weekend
Courtney Reply:
September 29th, 2009 at 11:00 am
Came her to say this. I get so angry. Let people grieve in their own way. If you don’t like what she has to say you can always read something else. We are all on a different journey.
Courtney´s last blog ..Woe is me!
Sep 28, 2009
I actually applaud that, as a mother, you are being so open with your grief. I think that’s an incredibly important part of motherhood, so why should you not write about it here?
My dad died when I was 19 and, with what I imagine were best intentions, my mom never grieved in front of my sisters and I; we never even saw her cry – even at the funeral. The night of the funeral she bought and assembled (with friends while drinking wine) an entertainment unit. At the time, I thought I was glad she was being so “strong.” Over time, though, her inability to grieve has made discussing my dad, or my dad’s death, or death in general a taboo subject around her. My sisters and I feel like we can’t go near those subjects with her (for various reasons) and that has seriously weakened the relationship we once had with her.
All that is to say, I think your ability to be aware of and open with your grief is amazing, and I wish you great luck as you move through it.
Sep 28, 2009
I feel that we all grieve in different ways, and no way is “better” than another.
You have every right to write as much as you want, to pour it all out because, rightly, those who read have the option not to read.
I don’t think you “get over” death. You manage, you handle, you cope, you even move past–but you don’t get over.
Mourn as you wish, as you need, and the blogosphere will still be here.
I am so very sorry for your loss.
Sep 28, 2009
Jesus. It’s only been a few weeks. What do people expect, that you can just ignore your grief and blithely invent amusing anecdotes for a bunch of strangers?
And you don’t really “get over” the death of someone you love. You learn to live with it, and time dulls the edges, but the grief and loss don’t disapear. I lost my mom three and a half years ago after a long illness into which she slowly disapeared.I still miss her every day. I often think, “Oh, I should call Mom and tell her. . . ” And then I’m hit again by her absence.
So keep writing through your grief. Many, many people want to hear what you have to say and are here, silently empathising with you.
Sep 28, 2009
Nobody should tell you how to grieve, nor how to feel and definitely not how to write on your own blog. Well meaning or not, it’s your business, not theirs. Just because you share with us, doesn’t mean you owe us anything.
Write when you want and how you want. I’ll keep reading.
Issa´s last blog ..Happy birthday Renee!!!!
Sep 28, 2009
I’m sorry you’re getting such hateful and selfish comments, and I’m sorry for your loss.
Anna´s last blog ..Hard
Sep 28, 2009
Please don’t let your critics silence you. Your honest writing, the courageous way you put your whole self out there (not just the mommy stuff) is valuable — keep putting it out there.
Stacey´s last blog ..International Day of Peace
Sep 28, 2009
You know, I love your narrative of grief. It is so poignant, honest and I have to believe, healing.
Tragedies may vary in form, but never in nature. A tragedy will always interupt the momentum of life and force you to gather all of your life’s energy, reshape it, and move forward down another path. This is no small feat. You take all the time you need, stay silent when you want and say all the things you need to during this process. Every mommy has her own father who she has lost or will lose, whether it is through death or some other means. As I contemplate the inevitable loss of my own father, I appreciate your ability to convey the profoundly life altering nature of pain and grief. I think your children will be well served by your willingness to enter into, and work through your pain. And your readers will be as well, if we allow ourselves to empathize with you and reflect upon our own lives. Thank you for writing, and not writing, and letting us be a part of your journey.
Sep 28, 2009
Absolutely not. You should not stop writing about this. You need lots of time to work through this, and doing it here is, I imagine, very helpful. At least until you get ass comments like that. Please, don’t rush this. The only way through grief is straight through. We’re here for you.
Sep 28, 2009
Take your time. Last I checked, this was your space to write whatever the hell you want. I know people are trying to give you tough love or whatnot, but that’s the worst thing they can do. That’s like when I suffered a horribly terrifying miscarriage, people told me “at least the baby wasn’t born first” or “at least this way you don’t have to have a funeral”. I wanted to smack each and every one of them.
Grief is a strange process, one that never ends (in my opinion). Deal with it how you have to, even if it’s through a year’s worth of posts only revolving around this.
Hugs to you.
Sep 28, 2009
I think you can grieve as long as you need to. Your writing about your dad has made me miss mine as well… but it’s a good thing for me. A reminder that I’m not the only one who lost their Dad way to soon.
Sep 28, 2009
It disappoints me so very much that someone felt the need to contact you with that sentiment.
I admire your ability to respond coherently. I would have faxed her a nutpunch.
Maria´s last blog ..Girl Talk Thursday – fantasy romance shenanigans
Sep 28, 2009
I come here to read about you- ALL of you that you choose to share, not just the mommy bits. Thank you for sharing. You are one of the people who make my life a little richer.
Ariel´s last blog ..Thoughts on turning 30
Sep 28, 2009
You take all the time you need (a lifetime) and work through it however you need (here). This is part of you now, unfortunately, and anyone who isn’t okay with you doing what you need to do doesn’t matter anyway.
Alicia @ bethsix´s last blog ..follow me to my new home
Sep 28, 2009
*hugs*
Don’t let it get to you, keep writing through your grief. I can’t even imagine what I would do in your shoes, all I know is that I would probably write it out too.
Sarcastica´s last blog ..What I Want/So Tired
Sep 28, 2009
Oh, hell no. Who are they, the Grieving Police? No. You take all the time you need, and you write about it as much as you want to. This is YOUR space, after all, not theirs.
Emily´s last blog ..The Time of My Life
Sep 28, 2009
I want to have
“shut up or I’ll fax you a nutpunch” on a tee shirt someday
Lala´s last blog ..Protected: Darkness and then some light
Sep 28, 2009
Seriously?
Write what you want, when you want, how you want. This is part of you now. No one has the right to tell you to get over grief…and comparing? So wrong.
I’ll read whatever you write – if you write about your dad for the next year or don’t say a word (tho if you didn’t say a word, I would worry). I understand that writing is a release; I would never judge what you feel like sharing and I honest can’t believe anyone else thinks it’s okay to tell you to write about other things or quit grieving ‘publicly’.
hang in there. xo
pgoodness´s last blog ..Update!
Sep 28, 2009
You are entitled to your grief in whatever form it takes. Yours not being any more or less than anyone else’s grief. As you said, they are not to be compared. I wish you some peace and happiness in this difficult time.
Shawna´s last blog ..9 on Wordless Wednesday
Sep 28, 2009
I’m sorry, when did it start to be OK to compare grief point by point?
If there is one thing in this world that is incomparable, it’s how and who we grieve.
I am APPALLED that anyone would dare tell you to get over “it” as if it’s just something that you forgot to get over and just needed someone to remind you–like turning off the iron. Nobody gets to tell anyone how to grieve, NOBODY.
I am so sorry that your father has passed away. I don’t know that anything can prepare you for losing your parents. I was a daughter first, a spouse second, and a mother third. It doesn’t matter who I lose and when I lose them, my grief will be personal and should be respected–as should yours be.
Azucar´s last blog ..All at a Price
Sep 28, 2009
You know, if you were on here telling funny stories and not talking about it at all there would be people saying that you’re not dealing with it too. Some people just don’t understand, especially when they haven’t experienced something like what you’ve just gone through. Me, I’m one of those people. I’m 41 years old and the closest people to me that I’ve lost are 3 of my 4 grandparents. My sister lost a baby stillborn at 38 weeks into her pregnancy and my husband had the nerve to tell me I was crying too much. It infuriated me. That’s the worst I’ve ever experienced. My boyfriend on the other had has buried every member of his immediate family (two siblings, his mother and his father) by the age of 42. His mom was that last and she died unexpectedly and suddenly. That was 2 years ago. He still has nights where we sit and cry while he’s telling stories about them. He always says to me that I just don’t understand, and he’s right. I have no idea! I couldn’t even imagine what he’s gone through and I would never ever dream of telling him when I’m holding him while he’s crying and talking about any of them that he needs to get over it. Everybody handles their grief in their own way and their own time. Don’t let anybody rush you! And just remember that the comments that seem insensitive are probably not meant to be that way. They just don’t understand what you are going through.
Hugs!
Chrissy´s last blog ..Three weeks later…
Sep 28, 2009
I have a mantra…just because there is something worse in the world doesn’t make *this* ok…
just because the Holocaust happened doesn’t make the murder of 1 person ok.
Just because losing a child is “worse” doesn’t make losing your father “ok”
peace to you.
Sep 28, 2009
Though this medium is one where we open ourselves up to others, this is first and foremost your space. You should take the time you need, whether it’s a day, a week or a lifetime to express yourself in this place as you see fit. As you need.
I completely understand your thoughts about comparisons of grief. And I would challenge anyone to come up with a scale that anyone could agree with as to who “deserves” to feel grief most. I have found my own voice muted about a very painful (both physically and emotionally) miscarriage for this same reason: “other people have been through it too”, “at least it wasn’t a child”, and while my logical side knows that those things are true, it does nothing to cure the insatiable pain that I went through and that I still go through.
My friend lost her mother last December and has been blogging her grieving process. I’ve been so incredibly impressed by her and, despite the fact that her posts are often sad, I return to read them because they’re so honest and telling and because she’s my friend. I trust that your friends are perfectly fine with you using your blog as a grieving tool and that they’re here to support you as well.
(In case you’re interested, my friend’s blog can be found at http://twelvenineteen.wordpress.com)
EmmieJ´s last blog ..Twelve Nineteen
Sep 28, 2009
the thing about grief, about pain, that pain so deep you’re certain is goes right through and back again, is that those feelings transcend identity. it does not matter who you are or where you are; that grief and pain does not accommodate itself to the you that you are, have chosen to be, or wish you were.
that’s not to say that it erases your identity either. but those feelings, those basic emotions linked to loss and suffering and pain, they go beyond our most rudimentary identities as women or mothers or daughters or lovers. they do not care who you are or what you do. so take your time. sort through the aftermath. we are here.
Sep 28, 2009
I was once told that it takes 4 years to “get over” the death of a parent. By “get over,” that person meant, “return to life as a fully functioning adult (mostly).”
The words won’t stop coming, so you shouldn’t stop writing.
I’m now over 10 years out from my father’s death. There’s nothing illuminating I can say about that.
Hugs.
VDog´s last blog ..No Sleep ‘Til Brooklyn!
Sep 28, 2009
We should ALL be brave enough to take as much time as we need to mourn the loss of those close to us. As many times as I hear it–and I do now frequently since my sister lost her husband–it never fails to shock me when someone suggests that it is “time to move on” from a loss, or when they assign some bizarre and narrow criteria about the “appropriate” depth of grief you are entitled to feel based on your relationship to the person you lost. I’m sending you a hug and a squeeze and all the compassion in the world.
Sep 28, 2009
My own father died on July 24th this year and I don’t have a blog in particular, but I’m definitely feeling the pressure from people to “move on” and “stop talking about it.” But the thing is… He was my (and yours was your) father. We only get one, and whatever we need to do to get through that loss, so long as it’s not destructive or something, shouldn’t be up for critique by other people.
'Becca Reply:
September 28th, 2009 at 7:26 pm
I’ve encountered a similar trend since my mother died in November. The only thing I can really say about it, in polite company at least, is that people have the right to say, “I can’t handle your grief; I need to step away.” They do NOT have the right to say, “Your grief makes me uncomfortable, so you should stop it.” That’s crap, but unfortunately few people understand the difference between those two ideas.
Sep 28, 2009
Wow – some people are so out of touch with their feelings that they don’t even have any. It’s hard (and painful) to even imagine someone saying that to you – ever – much less so soon. When my father died, it was very complex. It had not been an easy, or a good relationship. We hadn’t even spoken in years. I was shocked at how much it hurt and by how long I wandered in a fog of pain after.
Sep 28, 2009
Wow, really goes to show that you are always going to have those people that are never happy. Of course you are allowed to grieve any way you want, for however long you want, and I hope writing makes you feel even a little better and helps you work through it just a little more.
Brenna´s last blog ..Monday Madness: Everything On Sale!
Sep 28, 2009
I ended up going to a grief group after the death of my mother. The grief group leader made a point that really stuck with me. When a parent dies, you lose someone who has been part of your world since before you were born. That’s a powerful and profound loss. It’s not something you get over quickly or easily. Every loss is unique and should be respected as such. Hang in there. Sometimes that’s all you can do.
Ann D´s last blog ..anndouglas: @yahoocanadalife What do you think I should write about next week? Macs vs. PCs as a family computer?
Her Bad Mother Reply:
September 30th, 2009 at 8:17 am
You sent me an e-mail last month, Ann, in which you described it as a ‘life avalanche’, and that is exactly what it is. A powerful and profound loss, as you say – a powerful and profound, movement, shift, collapse.
Hanging in IS all I can do.
Sep 28, 2009
Grief makes people uncomfortable. That is NOT your problem; you take as much time as you need to work through it, do what you need to do and say what you need to say, and please, please understand that the people who are aiming these “well-intentioned” words at you are the ones in the wrong, NOT YOU.
My mother died late last year, and I am still not “over it.” Are there worse things? I’m sure there are. But grief is not a contest. It doesn’t matter if there are worse things; this is bad enough.
Take the time you need. Ignore the ignorant. And be gentle with yourself.
Sep 28, 2009
As all of these sane folks are saying, you will grieve in your own way and it must take as long as it takes. People who have said hurtful things do so out of ignorance, lack of life experiences and the knowledge that they can essentially be anonymous in this setting. There seems to be a lot of senseless blogger bashing going on lately, unfortunately. Hang in there.
MOAM´s last blog ..Sick Days
Sep 28, 2009
How dare someone tell you to just get over it. Really. I’m sorry for your loss.
Sep 28, 2009
People are insane. There is no timetable for grief. I lost my own mother 24 years ago – 24 YEARS – and this past weekend I found a college textbook of hers that she had written in and just lost it. You don’t get over it. You will move on to other topics when you are ready, and not a moment sooner. If that means this is a father-grief blog, rather than a mommy blog, well, I for one will still be reading. Peace be with you – I am so sorry for your loss.
FishyGirl´s last blog ..Lost Connections
Sep 28, 2009
God, the hurtful things that are uttered by well meaning people.
Guess what?
I’ve lost a child and I’m amazed at how WELL you’re doing, so pppfffttthhhh!!!!!!! ON ALL THOSE WELL MEANING ASSHATS.
At some point you just stop caring that they are well meaning and just feel the pain of their words, so the “well meaning” part ceases to matter. I also know that if any one of them is telling you to run faster than you are able it is NOT about YOU it is about THEM and their own discomfort with your grief.
If you are still like this in 18 months with zero progress, we’ll talk. As it is, your loss is HUMUNGO and I for one am absolutely unwilling to minimize it by telling you DICK right now. No matter what kind of pretty bow of kindness I stick on it.
Sure, you didn’t lose a child, so what? Is that supposed to actually make you feel better right now? Like me having other living children was supposed to make me feel better?
I think not.
Pain is pain.
Trying to compare pain is not only completely pointless but it often just exacerbates the healing process the person grieving is trying to muddle through.
P.S. Sorry for the heatedness. It’s been a fucker of a month. I love you.
Loralee´s last blog ..Warning: This post may cause your ovaries (or those of your female partner) to explode.
Sep 28, 2009
I have nothing constructive to add except to ditto all of what has been said here. Take this at your pace, and please keep talking/writing about it as you see fit.
I’ll be here to read it.
Sep 28, 2009
how very rude. i don’t think one ever gets over losing a parent. i’m not looking forward to learning how to deal with the grief of that. thanks for writing about how you’re trying to do it.
Sep 28, 2009
I don’t even understand what would compel someone to send you those messages. Your grief is your business; you deal with it how you need to. This is your space; you use it how you see fit, whether you write through this time or not. I don’t understand what kind of, I don’t know, possessiveness(?) these people think they have over you or over this space.
Emma´s last blog ..Vaccination Consternation
Sep 28, 2009
That makes me mad for you! You can cry / yell / hide / rant for as long as you need to. Don’t let anyone get in your head about how to handle your personal life.
I cry just THINKING about losing my dad. I am positive that I will need to be heavily medicated to get through that, and only then will I not be just hiding in my bed bawling all day.
I love how you are sharing your experience. It helps us all.
Sarah´s last blog ..Meme Time
Sep 28, 2009
Someone in my immediate family told me about three weeks after my mother died that I needed to “suck it up” and “get over it.”
I will never, ever forget those words.
Grief is fluid; it is its own entity. It will ebb and flow, rise and fall, but it will never leave you. You do what you see fit, when you see fit, with your grief, and make no apologies about it, because it is you – and only you – who knows what you need.
mamatulip´s last blog ..Like the deserts miss the rain
Sep 28, 2009
Who says things like that?!?!? Obviously someone who has never experienced the death of a beloved family member. Grief wanes but never truly goes away. It will always be a part of you. But eventually you’ll think of the one you lost and it won’t hurt so much and you’ll be able to smile again.
Sep 28, 2009
I think you are doing exactly what you need to be doing at the exact moment it needs to be done.
Part of healing is working through the pain in the best way we can – the only way we know how. As a writer, I imagine that is how you process a lot of your internal emotional angst. You write it out. You write through it.
You are not required reading, Catherine, and if some don’t like what you have to say, tell ‘em to piss off and move along – nothing to see here!
Miss Behavin´s last blog ..Dish of the Week: Parmesan Crusted Tilapia
Sep 28, 2009
I’ve lost both of my parents, both through protracted illnesses, and we were prepared for the inevitable and comfortable with the fact that they were ready to go.
You, on the other hand, had no time to prepare for your dad’s sudden death. Not to mention all the other baggage he left behind.
For him, it was a blessing. For you, it’s traumatic, and it’s going to take time for you to work your way through it.
That’s the thing about grief: you don’t get over it… you go through it. And the journey, no matter how long or how short, is a painful one.
Our parents are not gods; they are human beings with good parts and bad parts and foibles and frailties.
Take all the time you need, and write all that you need to write, and poop on anybody who doesn’t like it. Let ‘em get their own blogs.
I do think it might not hurt to find a grief group or a counselor. It’s not weak to say you’re struggling; it’s a healthy sign to know when you need to reach out for some help.
Keeping you in my thoughts and prayers.
Omnibus Driver´s last blog ..Drive-Bys
Sep 28, 2009
I am in shock that people actually said those things to you. Who says things like that? I am sorry that you had to read those things. Not cool. Love to you and yours.
Sep 28, 2009
This is hard for anyone. It doesn’t really go away. Thoughts and prayers your way.
David Wescott´s last blog ..Saving Journalism Through Business Incubation
Sep 28, 2009
I’m sorry but screw what they say. This is YOUR life take all the damn time you need. Yes i miss reading anything from you but i get over it. Take the time and know that the people that matter love you and would rather you heal than appease idiots.
karen´s last blog ..Peek a boo
Sep 28, 2009
It sucks that people feel the need to share their discomfort of grief with you. As a grieving daughter you have every right to say, do, act in whatever way you need to, to work through your grief. You grief is yours and no one else’s. Grief can’t be compared.
So, ignore those who attempt to judge you and grief how you need to in your own way and in your own time.
Lisa´s last blog ..Breastfeeding Challenges: The Lazy Nurser
Sep 28, 2009
Um, yeah. Tell them to go to a warm place and get a tan.
Seriously, my grandmother died in 2001. My family thought I should be over it a week or two later. I wasn’t. I’m not. I’m still not. Every time I watch a football game, see a play that she would have loved, I feel a physical ache in my heart because I can’t pick up the phone and call her.
I nearly died last November. My sister informed me that I “shouldn’t dwell on it” because I lived so whatever I felt should be gratitude and that’s it.
I know from people who are jerks and feel they have the right to dictate your grief. They don’t. It’s your grief. You need to own it; you need to find your own way to live with it because that’s what you do. You don’t “get over it”; you learn to live with it. And you will, but it’s not time. When it is, it is. You can’t rush it and you don’t want to. I’ll surely listen to all you have to say.
Beth´s last blog ..And on with the show . . .
Sep 28, 2009
I had only read you blog twice before your dad died. So I never felt I had the right to post through your grief. Uhmm now I must write. For those who need to say “get over it kind words” I say to them Suck It.
I was given 13 years notice that My dad’s cancer was terminal. And when the day came for him to pass on. I died inside like I never thought I could. I am not here to compare stories at all. I am here to say there is a scale of pain that is 1-10…
And every ones worst is their own 10. Period. Can we collectively say that the death of a child is not supposed to happen and there for is “the worst” Ok find it is said. BUT if you have only lost is your pet fish or a favorite neighbor then that is your worst. Period. And it all is called grief and we all have to be free to grieve OUR own blasted way. Period.
Our daddies loved us longest, our daddies were the ones who picked up broken pieces. Our daddies are the ones who broke our hearts first (when the dared to actually be human and screw up and we first learned that they did not have the perfect powers we gave them) But with the death of a daddy we get the a glimpse at our own death and what will be left behind when we go. The actual stuff and all the emotional stuff we have given to those we love; Spouses, Children, Friends, the little lady across the street. The empty space a parent leaves CAN NEVER BE filled. Not ever, not by 20 people not by anyone so IF you spend the rest of your blogging life processing your grief I will read and grieve with you. Your pain will not get better it will get different. Everyday will be different some days your grief will be loud and some days it will be quite. You are a WOMAN who needs to embrace the pain you are in and you are the only one who can grieve for the daughter you are and the daddy who you can only hear in your heart now.
I need to buy a new car. I am not sure what to do next. I am totally capable I know how to DO the actual work to get it done. It is just my daddy always started the process he read all my blue book options for what I could afford and what years and brands were best to actually look at. I just want him to be here to help. I will never “get over it” not ever. I will adjust and I might even buy a car alone. And I might screw up or I might make him proud. I will NEVER get over it. Period. It just will not happen.
Sep 28, 2009
Jenn Marie said it much more eloquently, but I’ll echo her sentiments: Those who criticize can suck it.
You’re a writer. It’s what you DO. Your gifts help others, so why should you not be allowed to use to those gifts help yourself through the sharpest moments of grief?
Just do what you do, and to hell with the rest.
Jezer´s last blog ..Coping
Sep 28, 2009
One cannot control the darkness that takes over when grieving. It just IS and it consumes everything in it’s path.
But.
I know from personal experience that sometimes we torture ourselves when we’re grieving, we purposefully mull over pictures and mementos over and over, we obsessively think “what could I have done differently” and that can be an unhealthy way of dealing with such intense feelings because it creates kind of a nuclear reaction within. I am in no way implying this is your case, in fact, from my perspective you have showed nothing but grace in this horrible situation and what you have written about it is so cathartic and in a very sad way, beautiful.
For me, the moment I could at last talk about him, laugh at all the crazy things he did, and just remember him without bursting into tears, was when I knew I was finally OK. But it takes time, just know that while you work through it, I’d be honored to read how you feel.
Sep 28, 2009
One of my favorite lines from “Even Cowgirls Get the Blues” (the book, I’ve never seen the movie) is:
Nurse: She’s grieving like that thumb was her child.
Doctor: No, she’s grieving like she was the thumb’s child.
Losing a parent is devastating. Take your time. I’ll still be here.
Sep 28, 2009
I’m just chiming in to say that regardless of whether it “floats my boat” to read about it, I’m going to continue showing up here, reading your posts, and caring what is going on in your life.
I’m sorry it’s like this. I’m listening.
Della´s last blog ..Kids’ CD Review & Giveaway! Until Oct 2
Sep 28, 2009
“Anything that causes the human heart to shatter so utterly should not be analyzed for comparative purposes.” You are absolutely right. And, what’s more, your narrative of your grief for your father is as compelling and touching as any I’ve read. As far as being a mommy-blog? You grieve for your father as someone’s mother — parenthood imbues every part of our life, there are no days off.
And sooner or later, you’ll get your funny back.
Rebecca @ Playground Confidential´s last blog ..Global Breastfeeding Challenge is ON!
Sep 28, 2009
I lost my mother on nov. 12, 2008 and i still haven’t gotten over it. still haven’t grieved properly, as you are doing now and are entirely entitled to! If it makes you feel better to come on here and express your feelings about it, then do it! cause you know what, its part of being a mommy blogger too. seriously, if i thought that you didn’t give a crap that your dad died and just ignored it, i probably wouldn’t read this. I, personally, say a big UP YOURS to those telling you to get over it and blah blah blah. You’ll get over it when you are damn well ready to and if they don’t like it, too bad.
Sep 28, 2009
“Tragedies shouldn’t be compared.”
This.
“It’s just pain. Its weight is infinite.”
And this.
My mother died when I was 12 years old. I’m 35 now. The pain is still there, just as potent as ever, but it has moved off a little way, so to speak – a little way out of sight, so that unless I see it, I can go through my days with relative ease.
But it hurts like hell, Catherine, it hurts like hell to lose someone you love so fiercely, and it’s nobody’s right to tell you that you are grieving too much or too long or in the wrong way, no matter *how long* it’s been since the loss took place. And my god! It’s only been a month! Of *course* you’re still hurting and processing through this terrible thing.
Take as long as you need. Write as much as you must. Anyone with any compassion will be here for you through it all.
There is no ‘correct’ way to hurt. There is only the long and strenuous job of working through the sorrow and trying to find some measure of truce with it.
Melanie´s last blog ..YAHHH, Trick, YAHHH
Sep 28, 2009
if you need to write about your dad and your love and your pain and all your other feelings, then you should. even if it is every day for the rest of your life.
i lost my mom just over a year ago. i’m not “over it” and i’ll never be “over it”.
the grief i carry is in a secret box that sits in a corner in my heart and sometimes i open the box and hold the pain. other times, things i see or hear or think cause the box to spring open and the pain hits me. i can’t imagine it ever not being there.
Stone Fox´s last blog ..A Totally Unoriginal Post
Sep 28, 2009
I am a new reader to your blog, which I love. My father passed away almost 3 years ago… I still don’t think I’m completely “over it” and I don’t think I ever will be.
Thank you for writing so poignantly and honestly… you are able to put in words so many of my thoughts when it comes to my own grief in losing my father. I am thinking of you and sending my deepest sympathy to you and yours.
Beth´s last blog ..Downtown Leesburg Photo Shoot
Sep 29, 2009
Ahh, the Pain Olympics.
As Kenickie uttered those immortal words in Grease: “Rules are … there ain’t no rules.”
You write whatever the hell you need to. Catherine, I’m so sorry for the loss of your dad. My dad died a very long time ago, and I didn’t know him.
It’s amazing to me, to read of grief like yours, to get a taste of what it must have been like to love your father and have him love you.
Thank you for sharing.
Eden
edenland´s last blog ..Love and Pain and Truth
Sep 29, 2009
There’s hate mail and critical mail and then just plain stupid mail. I’m sorry that someone chose to inflict that on you at such a hard time. I think it’s pretty clear that the vast majority of us support you and whatever you want to write about!
Momily´s last blog ..tweet tweet tweet
Sep 29, 2009
catherine its up to you to grieve in the way that best helps you to deal with it.and if that means blogging then keep doing so until you feel you have exhausted your grieve and our ready to blog about something different…
Sep 29, 2009
If I think for more than 60 seconds about my father dying, I burst into tears. Honestly, I live in fear of that day. There is no hierarchy of grief, nor is there any right or wrong way to feel when we lose someone we love dearly. My deepest condolences, Catherine.
Asha {Parent Hacks}´s last blog ..Amazon Gold Box (expires tomorrow): Plan Toys Miracle Pounding toy
Sep 29, 2009
Well said. What is the need for people to moderate other’s emotions? It is just pure discomfort feeling emotions in the first place. It IS uncomfortable to be around someone feeling lots of pain that you yourself are not sharing. But shit, let people (you) have their process, please.
Hally´s last blog ..And for the Sins of Disconnection…
Sep 29, 2009
I am sorry for the hurtful words that were sent to you. Cry as you need to, and write as you need to, as well… I wish you peace on this journey.
Sep 29, 2009
You’re so brave, and you’re dealing with this beautifully !
Sep 29, 2009
I have never understood the need for some to see parents as one dimensional beings whose sole focus is their off spring. We are complex people before we are parents (you seem to get that, which is part of why I read your blog).
Your pain IS a big part of your current identity at the moment, and thankfully, this moment will fade. In the mean time, no anonymous commenter has the right to squish you into their limited definition of what a mommy should be nor have they the right to disparage your pain.
In the end, it’s a blog you write, and it serves your life. The voices from the web are just noise, whether they are positive or negative. The most important people in your life aren’t writing to you here. Cry if you want to and celebrate your process of getting through this.
Sep 29, 2009
You need to do what feels right for you. And if taking time is what you need, then do it.
I lost my dad 4 years ago. I still grieve. At first it hurt a lot and I had a bizillion internal questions flying through my head. Not all of them got answered. Not all of them will.
I try to keep his memory alive. I try to find the little signs that he is still with me.
I miss him.
Please don’t feel pressured to do anything. Grieve how you need to grieve.
mapsgirl´s last blog ..yummy goodness in burlington ontario
Her Bad Mother Reply:
September 30th, 2009 at 8:13 am
‘trying to find the little signs’… yes. I do that too. constantly, looking for his ghost, his spirit, something, anything.
might have to write about it
Sep 29, 2009
It takes a good parent to make a good child..sounds like your father did all right!
mysuestories´s last blog ..Ya Caught Me
Sep 29, 2009
My mother died about 18 months ago, and I still feel the pain of it every day. My blog is just a photo blog (with my amazing long-distance friend), but I still post things about it. When your blog is a personal outlet, it’s going to reflect what’s going on in your life. Right now, it’s impossible to ignore your grief, just as, even a year-and-a-half later, mine still my grief still peeks through.
Heather´s last blog ..Whipped cream
Sep 29, 2009
In the aftermath of my sister’s sudden death, I’m afraid I was guilty of dismissing (inwardly, never out loud) the grief of those who had lost parents and grandparents.
“Sure, they’re hurting”, I’d think. “But it’s sooo different! She was sixteen. She hadn’t even had a chance to live. A parent dying first is natural”, etc etc.
(But woe betide anyone who had dared to compare my sibling loss to that of losing a child and found it lacking. Nobody ever tried, but it would have upset me no end)
It’s hypocritical and utter nonsense, of course. But grief has some nasty side effects, this being one of them for me. Perhaps that’s where the “constructive critics” are coming from- perhaps they’re in the grief-bog too and can’t see sense. Or maybe that’s too generous, I don’t know.
Strangely enough it was only last night (more than five years after losing my sister) that I thought- I don’t know why- of how it would be to lose my mother. And it totally knocked the wind out of me, made my cry on the street and phone her to check she was OK.
I took it as a sign that I’ve regained at least some of the normal perspective that a traumatic loss takes away.
Do what you need to do, I say.
Bokker´s last blog ..The sad side of it all
Sep 29, 2009
I lost my father in January of this year. While it was not a suddent death and we all realize that he is finally in a better place, it does not make it any easier to deal with.
I’m not over it yet and I don’t think I will be for a very long time.
Trishk´s last blog ..Future Actions Will Speak Louder Than Words
Sep 29, 2009
Although I guess I should stop being surprised the insensitivity of people never ceases to amaze me. Your grief is your own. This is your space to do with it what you will. We are supportive of you and I know too well from personal experience the difficulty of dealing with the loss of a parent. Hugs to you and write and write and write.
Sep 29, 2009
Oh how dare anyone put a time limit on your grief. Heck, I’m still grieving my MIDWIFE’s death. I can’t even imagine if it was a loved one, or my own father. I know for me that writing and blogging is like therapy. It helps to heal. I hope you find healing, too. And take comfort today.
Steph
Adventures In Babywearing´s last blog ..There’s even room for monkey.
Sep 29, 2009
I stopped writing about my dad approx. a month after his death. I (probably, wrongly) assumed that nobody wanted to hear about it any more; that it wasn’t ‘tragic’ enough to warrant so much attention so long (ha!) after his passing. The truth is, although it has been two years, the loss of my father is still the very worst thing I have ever been through, and I still miss him every single damn day.
Write what you need to, Catherine. This is not something you have to get over.
kgirl´s last blog ..Top Ten Tuesday: I Love PVR
Her Bad Mother Reply:
September 30th, 2009 at 8:11 am
When your dad died, Karen, I followed every word and FELT it because I so feared my own dad’s death.
Now that it’s happened, knowing that people I know and care about have been through this, and have written through this… well, it helps.
Sep 29, 2009
Someone asked. “Who says things like that?” Sadly lots of people. Even when you lose a child people STILL say things like that. Every person grieves differently, there is no right or wrong way to feel. And it is not up to any other person when you should “be over it”. I hope you find peace soon, but until then screw all the people who think you should have already.
Sep 29, 2009
God how I hate this competitive grieving. I am sorry you had to deal with those comments on top of everything. Why do people feel entitled to say it to you? I don’t get it. Thinking of you.
Alison´s last blog ..fifty fifty chance
Sep 29, 2009
God, I hate that. Nobody gets to tell you how to grieve and you have had the most difficult couple of years…
I cannot begin to imagine what you are going through but I just wish I could give you a hug and a few quiet hours alone.
Sep 29, 2009
I haven’t read all the comment, but holy cats who would compare grief? You lost someone you loved. “You didn’t lose a child”? WTF is that — consolation?
Catherine, you take as long as you need. You do what you need to do. Write about what you need to write about. You’ve a giant hole in your life now labeled “father”. It makes no difference that it doesn’t say “child”. What an awful thing to say!
From one who has lost a child. Wishing you much peace.
ciao,
rpm
Sep 29, 2009
That has to be really high on the list of idiotic comments on blogs. Your blog, your life, your story- You choose when you’re ready to get over it, and when you want to grieve. To quote one of my favorite writers-
“There are no absolutes for something so relative as a human life. There are no rules for something so gentle as a human heart..”
Take your time and space to heal
Sep 29, 2009
Dear human beings of the Earth: I know it’s hard to accept another person’s grief. It makes you face the fact that one day you may feel grief just as terrible, which is terrifying to contemplate. Suck it up anyway. Please stop unthinkingly acting like jerks to people who are sad. It does not help anything or make anyone feel better for you to disrespect someone else’s pain. Thanks in advance.
Like I always say, Catherine, write about what you want to, when you want to, and I for one will keep reading.
Oh, and if I ever say something that accidentally stupid to you about anything – if I have ever, in fact, ALREADY said something that stupid, feel free to smack me.
Sep 29, 2009
I am approaching the 6-year anniversary of my mom’s (expected) death. I am still grieving. It is not nearly as intense as it was in the beginning, but it is still there. And I did not come out of the haze of shock for about 3 months following her death. So, take your time and grieve in a way that is right for you. And everyone else can shove it.
Sep 29, 2009
The people who are sending you messages that you need to stop grieving need to be smacked. Hard. That’s just total bullshit and makes me really quite angry (but I’m also dealing with stuff so I’m transferring – take this with some salt). You don’t just stop grieving. It gets better (and, sometimes, worse again), but it never stops. My Mother died 11 yrs ago and my Father 5yrs ago and I will never stop grieving them.
The worst/best thing is that so few people really understand/appreciate what it feels like to lose a parent, and everyone else “thinks” they do and they have no idea whatsoever and should try to remember that.
If talking about it helps you, then talk. Share with us and don’t worry about what people who don’t understand think. My Father used to say “The people who matter won’t care; the people who care don’t matter.”
Sep 29, 2009
Oh, my poor lady. It doesn’t matter what genre of blog you’re branded as, the fact is, it’s your blog and you can write about what the hell you like. If anyone doesn’t like it, no-one is forcing them to read it. Ignore the trolls. If writing about your loss helps you, then write and write and write as long as you need to. Sending you so much love *hugs* x
Sandy´s last blog ..12 Days
Sep 29, 2009
I look at other people’s blogs as guides to help me navigate difficult or new patches in life. When people only write happy things, or only post crafts, or only focus on their child’s milestones, I can’t rely on those blogs as guides. But when people pour their hearts out, for as long or as short as they need to, then I can read and think, “Ah, this is one way through.”
Keep being honest.
Jen´s last blog ..where inappropriate casserole seasonings drive me to my breaking point
Sep 29, 2009
Wow. Just wow. Take all the time you need, obviously. Those of us who care about you will be here. Love to you.
Karen Sugarpants´s last blog ..Three Years Ago Today, I Nearly Died, And It May Have Saved My Life
Sep 29, 2009
I have to add to the sentiments of yes grieve with it anyway you wish, this is your space to do as you please. And in no way should you be expected to “get over it” You just never will, you will move past it and learn to live with the idea but that wish and hope that he will still be there will always be there.
My father died when I was 7 and I still wish everyday that he was around.
I hope you find the way for your heart to mend some and be able to at least find some sort of normalcy in your life again.
HUGS
Carol P´s last blog ..A life a bit turned upside down
Sep 29, 2009
Grieving over a lost parent affects the way we ourselves parent. Whether those readers want to read about it or not, it is a part of who you are and the parent you will become. Mommy blogger or not, the death of a parent is devastating. I’m sorry for your loss.
Amanda´s last blog ..Dear Hershey’s
Sep 29, 2009
Okay, so I haven’t read any of the comments, so I’m probably repeating, oh, 89 people, but here it is anyway.
Fuck anyone who wants to control your grief. YOU say when it’s over. YOU say when you stop writing about it. YOU say what you need and when you need it. I have lost a child, okay, and I can tell that nothing compares to that grief, sure, but it’s still grief. It’s still having to make yourself get out of bed and forcing yourself to meet your day and desperately wanting to have something else to think about and coming up with nothing. It’s all the same and it’s all different. Anyone who tells you it’s time to move on hasn’t grieved. It’s terrible and it’s consuming and you only get through it by living the way you have to live and trudging on.
Jessi´s last blog ..Breakfast in Bed
Sep 29, 2009
I lost my 62-year-old father suddenly and very unexpectedly just under three weeks ago. It’s your blog – do what you want with it. (Besides, how you end up grieving will influence how you help your kids through their own losses, big or small, down the line, and that matters, too.)
Sep 29, 2009
It’s very, very frustrating to be told just to “get over it.” I don’t blog if I did my blog would be consumed with the death of my mother. My mother was, for my entire life (yes even as I went through the teenage years) my absolute best friend in the whole wide world. We seldom went more than a day or two without seeing one another and we ALWAYS spoke on the phone at least once a day, sometimes more often. We were those people that make unlimited mobile to mobile minutes worthwhile. In MY world there could not have been a greater loss but people do expect you to move on, get over it feel better…..all of which are things that even after 3 years I don’t think I’ll EVER manage to do. I say cry when you need to, laugh if you want to, and critics well, they don’t have to read it that day. For some of us it’s a lifeline to see we aren’t the only one.
Sep 29, 2009
I have a theory lately that for most people posting comments is just like driving a car. When they sit down at the keyboard or behind the wheel, their IQ drops by something like 50 points. It doesn’t excuse well-meaning people posting accidentally hurtful things, of course, but it does explain it somewhat. Something about these activities severs important links in the brain.
But aside from that, I honor you greatly for writing about your experiences. Also, for not writing about them when you’re not ready. It’s your world, and I am a humble guest.
Sep 29, 2009
Pain is pain. Take the time you need.
After Words´s last blog ..Land Yacht
Sep 29, 2009
This is a beautiful post. You need time. Take time to work through it. And keep writing about it.
I admire you every word!
Mommy X´s last blog ..I HATE RAIN! (Enough to yell it out loud)
Sep 29, 2009
Grief takes YEARS. Who in their right minds would expect you to be over it already???? Good lord. hugs.
People say stupid crap. People tell me how “lucky” I am to be still single at 41. Yeah, single and alone and never going to have a child. That’s what’s going for Lucky these days, huh?
People are stupid. And selfish. And hurtful. And mean well but totally miss the mark sometimes. And I’m sorry.
Your writing is beautiful and poignant. Your grief will take longer than you’d ever think possible and shorter than imaginable. Grief has a time all its own. Like fear. Hugs. Keep breathing.
watercolor´s last blog ..Eh so now what
Sep 29, 2009
i didn’t write those things, but i can see where they were coming from. many people are of the nature that you need to just get up, dust yourself off, and move on. some people consider it wallowing. some people just want to toughen you up. it is their way. it is not they only way. nor is it the “right” way.
some folks need to wallow for longer than others. some people need to be told to stop wallowing b/c they will never get out of the dark hole otherwise. we aren’t all the same.
i am surprised so many people are “shocked” that people said that to you. many people have said those types of things to me in my life. those people are everywhere. my mother-in-law is definitely one of them.
i think silence is worse than can be considered “tough love.” at least those people are thinking about you and want you to come out the other end.
Sep 29, 2009
Having observed some unhealthy and unproductive grieving (or perhaps lack thereof) within my own family over the last 18 months, I frankly congratulate you on having the strength and courage to allow yourself to grieve in spite of the harrowing places that such grief takes you.
I am always here for you, Catherine.
Julie @ The Mom Slant´s last blog ..Another take on Strawberry Shortcake
Sep 29, 2009
This is my first visit to your site. I don’t know you or your story. I have not lost either parent but my Father is very ill. So when I read your post, it made me go to that place. The place where I will be someday soon, without a Father. I just wanted to tell you that you don’t need to compare your loss with any other loss. The fact is, it is a huge loss to you. Grief is something natural that occurs in all of us but in very different ways. I have heard that the stages of grief are the same for all of us but the order in which we go thru them is different. This is your blog, your domain and therefore your platform to use as you see fit. And if right now it is your place to begin to heal, than you should use it for such. There are much worse things you could be doing. Writing is a wonderful way to get through the pain. I am terribly sorry for your loss.
Lorie
Sep 29, 2009
Everyone grieves at different, if you want to call it, speeds. My mom lost both her parents within two years and there are still times where we can talk about grandma and grandpa and times we know we can’t. You do what you need to do, if writing it out here, on YOUR blog helps, then do it. We, your faithful readers, will understand. I can honestly tell you that if I lost my mom suddenly then I would be in the funny farm. I could not stand it.
Just remember we all love you!
Sep 29, 2009
OMG. I have to be honest-I didn’t even read your entire post. I got through the first few lines, realized they were comments to you and felt compelled to immediately write-shut the hell up people. You get over it whenever you fell over it. (never?) You write about whatever you want to write about. Pain is relative. At points-there is nothing worse than your own pain.
If people don’t want to share it, they can stop reading, but either way they should keep their mouths shut.
Geez.
Cristie ´s last blog ..You Know What I Hate?
Sep 29, 2009
Ok, now I’ve read the entire thing and clearly you know all I said before.;) So now just consider this a post of full support of WHATEVER You choose to write-and feel.
Cristie´s last blog ..You Know What I Hate?
Sep 29, 2009
There can always be worse, true. But that doesn’t at all take away from your own personal tragedy. Take your time. On the plus side, I would consider those criticisms a sort of hidden compliment… Those people obviously love your ‘normal’ writing enough to get upset when it is supplanted by a different topic. But still, it’s not fair to tell someone else how to grieve. So write on! As you please!
Sep 29, 2009
My mother died 24 years ago and while I think I’ve finally gotten through it, I will never get “over” it. I still miss her. My brother died 8 years ago. He was my best friend and I still haven’t gotten through OR over it. I was told by my father that my grief wasn’t as bad as his because I’m not the parent. Pain is pain…it shouldn’t be a contest. The end result was that I suppressed my pain/grief and didn’t deal with it. I’m now in therapy partly for this reason. I very much admire your strength in being able to express how you’re feeling. I sometimes find myself nodding in agreement with something you’ve said thinking “I know just what she means.” Your writing is beautiful and, as much as I wish you didn’t have to experience this pain, your words have helped me and I just wanted you to know that. Write whatever you need to write for yourself and I will keep reading. Do whatever you need to do in however much time it takes, regardless of what others think you “should” do. I wish you much peace.
Sep 29, 2009
I lost my mother last September. Some days it still consumes me. No, I didn’t lose a child. But I did lose someone very important in my life and if I want to drone on about it endlessly until I get some sembelance of my life back I will. I totally understand what you are saying and back you 100%.
Emsxiety´s last blog ..Twenty-Two, a nice number
Sep 29, 2009
How dare anyone question what you choose to write about in your own space?
And what kind of utterly solipsistic social retard would write a grieving woman to let her know her writing was no longer entertaining?
A fat roman emperor in a decaying empire, drooling wine and demanding new gladiators because the current ones are no longer amusing.
I’m disgusted. And I’m so sorry they hurt you.
Sep 29, 2009
Those comments are so insensitive, whether or not they were meant that way. As someone above so aptly stated- you’re not forcing people to come, sit down, and read what you have to say each day. They can stop reading if they don’t like watching you go through this phase. I can only imagine going through what you have recently gone through, and I know I would not be “over it” yet, either. You have many loyal readers who sincerely care what you’re feeling and empathize with you. Try not to let the others get to you!
Jaden´s last blog ..What She Says… About TV & More
Sep 29, 2009
You are entirely right.
And I pity the people so shallow as to say those things to you.
Steve´s last blog ..BBC NEWS | Health | Working mums’ children ‘less fit’
Sep 29, 2009
I am shocked that people have sent you emails suggesting you don’t write about your father and your grief. It’s YOUR blog. This is YOUR space. If someone doesn’t want to read what YOU write, then they shouldn’t. If you lose readers because your life isn’t what they want to read about, then you don’t want them as readers anyway. I’d be willing to bet the people who wrote those comments never lost a parent completely unexpectedly, which is all the more reason why you should write about it if you want to–so people can learn from others’ experience and gain some compassion in the process.
Sep 29, 2009
Um, people have told you to get over it? Wow, really? Well, I believe it, but, wow . . .
It takes as long as it takes. Period.
My condolences on your loss.
Sep 29, 2009
In my opionion {and I lost my daddy 5/15/08} the only thing you “need” to do is take care of yourself and your family..the best you can right now…it won’t ever be the same…trust me.There are days I can’t even function.Thankfully my kids are older and can do for themselves..
Grieve what ever way YOU feel fit…you have nothing to prove to anyone..we will be here when you are ready!
Sep 29, 2009
I only want you to keep writing here, because I love to read you, and I don’t care what you write about because I’ll read whatever it is, because I like your voice. More importantly, I want you to be well.
Ginger´s last blog ..Helping out, husband style
Sep 29, 2009
Please please don’t allow anyone, well-meaning or otherwise to try and dictate your feelings and pain or processes or life or tears. My beloved grandparents died peacefully but did that make my experience of it any easier? There’s this whole big love with their names upon it and nowhere to go! And really, each person we love, that love is unique. I can’t have another love like my grandfather (who was a million times more a father than my father ever was) or I can’t be loved the same way by my cherished aunts and as I grow older, the loss of them all hurts still. Some loves are so precious so close, so deep especially for those that feel and have big hearts!
That whole “get over” “moving on” attitude is totally worthless, often it means”Oh, we don’t want to hear about it anymore” or it truly means, “You’re making me uncomfortable because deep feelings and unpleasant reality sucks.”
Hey, as any girl that grew up on a Bluegrass farm will tell you, life is NOT a Disney movie. At all. Ever. In any way.
Mature passion-filled people have deep mature passionate responses to life. Don’t don’t don’t allow anyone to cheapen your experiences.
And I’ll keep reading until your babies graduate, no matter what.
Take care,
Jae
Sep 29, 2009
Like everyone else here, I just want to say that you have support. Thank you so much for sharing this. I have not lost a parent, but perhaps reading this now will help me when that time comes, and it has helped me to think of how people I love must be feeling (who have lost parents). Sharing honestly is never a bad thing. Some people are just not good at dealing with emotions. Even those of other people.
Regina´s last blog ..
Sep 29, 2009
Oh Catherine, I’m so sorry people are stupid and thoughtless and I’m sorry you’re going through this. I lost my mother 18 years ago. 18 years. I was 13 and it still hurts like hell. A couple of the commentator’s have said that wallowing in grief is bad and that tough love is a good thing – well you’re not wallowing in grief, far from it. And the comments weren’t tough love they were ignorant and selfish. It’s been weeks not years and even years from now there will be days. There will be days and you’ll just be a puddle.
I cannot tell you how much I appreciate your blog right now and how much it has been helping me – and it’s been 18 freaking years! I’m about to have my first child so I really appreciate the perspective of a daughter and a mother dealing with her grief. You are modeling an openness that was lacking in my family. I think you’re brave and you’re working through this the only way you know how. That’s all any of us can do.
Sep 29, 2009
I have no real words to say that haven’t been said before. I know that you never ‘just get over it’ the pain will be with you forever. Sure it lessens and sometimes for short moments I forget and want to share something with my dad, or I see a certain car, or when Malley’s has their Choc. Covered strawberries, I never buy them because he always bought me a dozen of them for Easter, but it does get easier. Your heart learns to cope, to take that grieving part and close it off from the rest of yourself.
Catherine, take all the time you need. Much love. xoxo
Heather @ Domestic Extraordinaire´s last blog ..Happy Birthday Renee
Sep 29, 2009
Screw em’.. do what you gotta do, say what you gotta say, or not say. We’ll be here for you, when you’re ready
Sep 29, 2009
You keep on writing and don’t let anyone try to stifle you. If blogging about it helps you get through this then do it. And I totally agree with what everyone else has said. Your posts are moving and I can imagine how helpful they must be someone going through any type of loss.
Lauren @ MOMMY IS ROCK N ROLL´s last blog ..A blog about blogging. And being crazy.
Sep 29, 2009
Wow — I can’t believe those people had the audacity to write you and say to get over it. They are way out of line. You are right — you can’t compare grief. It is an individual thing.
avonlea´s last blog ..
Sep 29, 2009
Grief is grief. It is unique to each who experience it. There are many kinds, and no one can quantify or critique. We should find comfort in the shared pain. My deepest sympathies and heartache.
Sep 29, 2009
Touche’!!! Who made “that person” the authority, and what makes him/her think that their grief trumps yours?? Maybe they should “get over it!”
Rhonda´s last blog ..Anyone need a maid???
Sep 29, 2009
hi – i have seen you around, at the local fair, and about town, and each time i want to say how sorry i am about your dad, but i’m a stranger and that just seems so out of bounds.
you don’t seem a stranger to me though. i’ve read your innermost thoughts, and you must know you are read by so many and that you may be noticed out and about. right? but still, it felt weird to approach.
just know that you are seen, and appreciated, and deserving of whatever time and space it is you need. you’re lovely, as are your children, and i hope your family heals quickly and well.
peace
lianna of bville
lianna´s last blog ..
Her Bad Mother Reply:
September 30th, 2009 at 8:01 am
Oh – you must say hi sometime, Lianna. Being recognized doesn’t freak me out. And knowing that someone in the quote-unquote real world knows and cares… well, that’s just nice.
Sep 29, 2009
Saddened to read about your father’s death (and impressed by your bravery in laying it all out here for us all to read about). I suppose some “mommy-bloggers” choose only to write about that aspect of their lives online, but that always creeps me out a bit. One of the reasons I keep coming back to your blog, even though I’m not a parent and don’t want to be, is your ruthless honesty about all aspects of your life. I wish this hadn’t happened to you. But since it has, you have every right to blog about your feelings.
Alison´s last blog ..Re-Vamp
Sep 30, 2009
I’ve never been able to process the audacity of blog readers who chastise the owners/writers of the blogs they read and tell them what they can and cannot do, what they should or shouldn’t, need or don’t need to do.
WTF?
Since when is anyone else allowed to tell someone what they can and cannot do with their own blog? Are you kidding me?? And this whole time frame for grieving, this telling you to be grateful it wasn’t one of your kids that passed?
I think, it is my opinion, that that other person needs to shut the hell up.
Sep 30, 2009
I am very sorry for your loss. The death of a loved is not something you ever ‘get over’. You will always miss them, whomever they are.
We are all parents reading this I assume, or most of us are. One day we will die. One day it’ll be our kids mourning our departure. Now, how many of us would tell our kids, ’stop talking about it, stop writing about it, some people are worse off, you know’? Of course we wouldn’t? We’d want to comfort them, if only we could!
People need to remember you are someone’s child. And also they should close the window if there’s something they don’t like reading.
Petite Mum´s last blog ..Finding the time to do it all – time saving tips.
Sep 30, 2009
I want to say I am so sorry for the loss of your dad.. but it doesnt really convey how much I wish that, just for a moment, the pain of your loss would be less just so you could breathe… thankyou for writing it down, you will someway somehow, help another to cope through such a tragic loss. which i know is not really even something you would be thinking about but dont stop just because stupid people want happy stories. This is changing who you are and by writing it down, we (as you avid fans) will see a change, bit by bit, as you work through all you need to to heal and continue your own story…
I dont know you at all,( only in blogland) but my thoughts are with you and your family.
Sep 30, 2009
Very well said. I am so sorry for your loss. I think it’s wonderful that you have this gift with written words that helps you to work through it. It’s obvious that many people are honored and happy to continue reading and to be by your side on that journey.
Jennie´s last blog ..But, it was the shoes that really did it.
Sep 30, 2009
[...] For all of your warm and supportive comments on my last post, thank you. Thank you. Your kindness and patience make all the [...]
Sep 30, 2009
The physical pain of grief–that’s the part that gets skipped in movies. Just when you think you’re able to walk upright for a few steps, it stabs you again, and you’re back in the fetal position. That crater of pain in your chest is unreal, like no other pain. You can’t rush its healing. If others don’t want to be present for the process, that’s their choice. This journey is yours. That you’ve allowed us to join you for a portion of it is an honor.
califmom´s last blog ..It’s Not Even A Real Sport
Sep 30, 2009
So well put.
Amelia´s last blog ..the view from my chair
Oct 1, 2009
Beautifully put.
In the grief support group my family attends, there is almost always some time spent on the absolutly stupid things people say. Sometimes I get tired of us telling each other that they all mean well, they just don’t know what to say, they’re all just trying to not have to really think about it themselves.
A close loss is a tough way to learn how to be more compassionate.
Lance Boldt´s last blog ..Can You Lose the Battle and Still Win the War
Oct 1, 2009
I lost my beloved mother 5 months ago. Suddenly. Tragically. The one thing I’ve learned is that anyone who thinks they have the right to tell you how to grieve or how long to grieve can just shut the fuck up. You need to do what’s right for YOU. Sorry, I had to delurk for this.
nikki´s last blog ..And another thing checked off my list
Oct 2, 2009
[...] It’s My Story And I’ll Cry if I Want To – I love the way she writes and aspire to one day be as good as she. She’s honest, eloquent and exceptional. [...]
Oct 2, 2009
I only recently started reading you before the untimely death of your father. I first would like to say how terribly sorry I am for your loss. My father died after a struggle with cancer 12 years ago. It was sad but with illness you have time to adjust, say your goodbyes and try and make peace with it. 2 years ago my mother was hit by a semi while sitting in a traffic jam. I can honestly tell you there is a huge difference. Embrace your struggles. I am trying to, my faith was never in doubt. It still isn’t but I struggle now with organized religion and it’s purpose. It seems that my own tragedy has left me groundless, lost and extremely confused. I cling to my role as mother, question my role as wife and mourn the loss of role of daughter.
There is nothing to do but try and go on and cope. I would guess the people who tell you to get over it have not experienced a tragedy to the degree of yours.
Oct 18, 2009
No one can tell you how to grieve, and for others to try to do so is ignorant, disrespectful, and horribly unsympathetic. Grief is personal and the only time someone should step in is if harm will come from it. To those that criticize you, what gives them the right to? Even if they have lost a child, which is horrible, yes, how can they tell you to ‘get over it’ because it’s not as bad as ‘xyz’.
Do what you have to do in order to put one foot in front of the other and take it one day at a time. Do what is best for you and your family and know that no one has the right to tell you how to feel or how to live your life. Continue to love your father and cherish his memory, he will never truly be gone if you keep him with you always.