I received the following message via Facebook today. I think that it’s pretty awesome. And by awesome, I mean, so profoundly insulting and ignorant that I actually yelled out “REALLY???” and scared some flamingos.
Catherine –
I know I probably shouldn’t say this, but I have to ask you, how did you end up a “stay at home mom” with no job after all the university you took? … I have to take you off (my Facebook) as it is such a disappointment that you never did anything with your life and you do this all day… it was not what I would have imagined for you Catherine… so sad.
So there you have it, people. I am a disappointment. I have no job. I am doing the worthless and pathetic work – wait! no! unwork – of raising two beautiful children, when instead I should be, I don’t know, out there in the world using my years of education to teach other peoples’ children about Plato or sell cola or design widgets or something really meaningful. Because raising children isn’t actually work, right? It doesn’t actually contribute to society. And, of course, the fact that I write about parenthood and children and family and the condition of love in post-modernity is just, you know, pffft, whatever. Who reads that stuff? What does it actually contribute? What good am I really, people? What good are you? You should go have a good think about that.
TRANSLATION: what a great big steaming pile of utter bullshit. Didn’t we bury Linda Hirshman’s nonsense under there a long time ago? Which is to say this: no woman is less of a woman for choosing to stay home with her kids. Nor is any woman any less of a woman for choosing to work at home with her kids or to work at home without her kids. Nor is any woman any less of a woman for choosing to work outside the home and parent as a working mother. Nor is any woman any less of a woman for choosing to not have kids at all. No woman is any less of a woman, or a feminist, or a human being for making any one of those choices. None of these choices is any less valid or meaningful or worthy than any of the others, because these choices can only be measured according to the fulfillment of the individual, and anyone who tells you otherwise is likely just straining to justify their own choices as a defense against their own insecurities over those choices.
In related news, I think that we’ve found someone worthy of the given name that corresponds to Emilia’s new favorite word.
UPDATE: Although this person was determined to unfriend me for being such a disappointment, she waited to do so until after I had responded to her message, at which point she said, among other things, this:
As for my opinion on “stay at home mothers”, I do have a thing about stay at home mothers as I do not think a man should make all the money and the wife stay home and not have to work (just to raise the children)… that is just my believe (sic). I think both people should work and everyone I know work (sic) and take care (sic) of their children.
So there you have it! It’s a sexism thing! Women staying home and not working – you know, just raising children, which as we all know means sitting your ass and eating bon bons all day and contributing to the public good in no way whatsoever – is sexist and backward because it means that the man does all the work and makes all the money and the woman is just – what’s the word? – kept. Silly whores, all of us.
FEMINISM: YOU’RE DOING IT WRONG.
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Unbelievable.
I don’t know how I would even be able to respond to this with words. It makes me feel violent.
What utter tripe.
.-= Mama Bean´s last blog ..Mama Bean had a wonderful first Mother’s Day =-.
I am aghast that someone who was your friend on Facebook would even think it necessary to send you that message. Did they think they were being helpful?
My favourite part is that you are SO depressing to them that they have to unfriend you. I kind of want to pet them until they feel better after having had to suffer the crushing weight of your motherhood.
.-= schmutzie´s last blog ..Kdiddy.org Gets A Fresh Face =-.
Emilia’s favourite new word is appropriate here for sure.
Unfortunately, while I am surprised at the audacity taken to direct message you such sentiments, the sentiments themselves don’t surprise me.
My own mother has said much the same to me – though she hasn’t defriended me over it. Something along the lines of “you’re letting all your education go to waste.” And my mother in law – God bless her soul because I’ve damned her to the devil – has said “Well, I guess the kids are a good excuse not to go to medical school after all.”
Yes, because I don’t use any of that education in order to help me understand how to be the best possible parent, role model and human being for my children. And I certainly will just sit around eating bonbons all day when the children are grown up.
Funny thing is, most of my friends who are still engaged in the education or career fields they started in before becoming parents are jealous of my decision to stay home for now. They are proud of me for making such a strong decision to support my children.
But people a generation older think it’s all a waste. I’m astounded our generation turned out as well as we did if this is our parents’ views on the importance of parenting.
@Dara, I *think* (and I may be totally wrong) that the older generation are so envious of our abilities to get an education, and the ability to CHOOSE what we want to do that they can’t quite believe that we’d choose something that was thrust upon them whether they wanted it or not.
I know that’s how it is in mine and my friends families. Just a… wanting better for us than they had I guess.
@Ali, I agree, I *think* that’s true in many cases too. (Though not with my mother as she’s always had a career) What upsets me is that they have been made to feel that the act of mothering is a devalued societal skill and only occurs at the expense of other more “valuable” occupations. In essence they are devaluing themselves and what I consider to have been their most important achievement.
If every politician, doctor, and celebrity quit their job tommorrow, the world would go on – changed but continuing. But if we all quit being parents the world would end. From a Darwinian perspective, parenting should be the most higly valued skill a person could have.
“If every politician, doctor, and celebrity quit their job tommorrow, the world would go on – changed but continuing. But if we all quit being parents the world would end. From a Darwinian perspective, parenting should be the most higly valued skill a person could have.”
Perfectly said.
I have started and erased about seven different sentences here, none of them convey adequately the indigniation I’m feeling. Not just on your behalf, Catherine, but really on behalf of every woman everywhere who felt that her choices in life were hampered by other people’s expectations.
That letter is insulting and rude on so many different levels, for what it says about the writer’s beliefs regarding a persons’ worth, about the importance of children and family, about the writer’s inexplicable sense that others are somehow responsible to him/her to live up to his expectations, and finally about the writer’s belief that people’s personal choices are somehow his/her business.
I would venture to guess that this is a “friend” you are well rid of.
.-= Barnmaven´s last blog ..Wordless Wednesday: Eloquent =-.
Another college grad here wasting myself on these darn kids. REALLY!!!! I think that she is the one that has wasted her whole life believing that she knows everything that is better for everyone else. We are all obviously too stupid to think for ourselves.
Man I hate when I run into this. We are doing the most important job in the world and we should have the prestige that goes along with that.
You are better without her on facebook!
“None of these choices is any less valid or meaningful or worthy than any of the others, because these choices can only be measured according to the fulfillment of the individual, and anyone who tells you otherwise is likely just straining to justify their own choices as a defense against their own insecurities over those choices.”
AWESOME words.. sums it up perfectly
. The number of people who choose to judge other people’s lives by their own scales is just annoyingly ridiculous.
So, who was it?
An acquaintance from real life… someone that Kyle and I knew from back west who found us last year on Facebook.
@Her Bad Mother, Crazy. You really have to wonder. I mean, how angry would they have to be to do something so inappropriate. Why so angry? What’s it to them? The hostility towards parenthood – and people who choose parenthood – still shocks me. I just don’t get it.
Yeah, her reply REALLY helped smoothed things over. Uh-huh.
.-= Tasha´s last blog ..Recipe: Lemon Cheesecake with Fresh Fruit =-.
AWESOME. So, my husband and I actually did have this discussion because I may leave the workforce if we have kid 2 since it would take my entire paycheck to provide childcare for both of them and that just seems silly. Our determination? Kept women do not clean up vomit or poopsplosions. Therefore, me staying home with the kids cannot possibly make me a kept woman as there is sure to be plenty of vomit and poop involved.
I just ask that he keep the wine flowing. You know. For sanity.
.-= Jessica´s last blog ..Pride and Prejudice and Zombies: Dawn of the Dreadfuls — A Review =-.
How tragic. What a disappointment that there are women in the world who believe that my worth is measured in how many dollars I earn or how many childcare duties “belong” to my husband.
It’s just as sad as the women who think that working moms are bad parents and don’t love their children as much as women who stay at home with theirs.
Some people just suck ass.
Thank you for posting the update and blowing wide open the stupidity of the person.
I was going to use the word “ignorance”, but that would not have been the correct usage of the word (one word grossly misused in the English language). The person is not “ignoring” anything, the person is clearly just stupid.
Sadly, this person was saying out loud what many people think, deep inside their shallow, empty little noggins.
Sigh.
.-= cagey (Kelli Oliver George)´s last blog ..This is your brain on crack. The verb, not the noun. =-.
That’s the whole thing, right? People DO think this shit. They do. And pretending that they don’t doesn’t help us any.
GAH!! What the hell?
.-= MainlineMom´s last blog ..Top 10 Things I Love About Texas =-.
Oh my goodness. Still working and have a child – although I hope to change that soon and quit. These are hard choices, I can’t believe someone would judge you that way. I don’t feel like I’m wasting a college education by staying home with my daughter. Believe me, corporate America is going to be there in 5 years, in 10 years, and forever. Sounds like a self absorbed control freak.
.-= Kay´s last blog ..Certified Health Coach =-.
Poor woman…you made her all sad with your life choices. When you made the decision to stay home and raise your beautiful children I can’t believe you had the audicity to ignore the needs of some random Facebook friend from long ago. That was most selfish of you!
Honestly, I can’t believe the appalling things some people say and think. At least now you know what she’s like and you don’t have to waste time cultivating a friendship with someone who has such opinions.
.-= Mary Lynn´s last blog ..She’s a galaxy girl =-.
I got a similar comment from a high school friend when he found me on Facebook last year, something akin to “Wow. I can’t believe you’re just a mom. I expected more from you.”
I wish I could say I laughed it off, but I brooded about it for quite awhile while resisting posting comments on this “friend’s” Facebook photos telling him that his kids were funny looking.
.-= After Words´s last blog ..A Post in Search of a Theme =-.
Yeah, why raise the next generation of leaders when you could work in a cubicle and go to stupid meetings all day?
I wonder if she realizes that her “explanation” only made her opinion more unappealing.
.-= sherry´s last blog ..To every mother =-.
I’m pretty sure by now your kids should be working themselves and earning their keep. How dare they stay at home and waste your time with all of those petty inquiries that children are known for. Your are putting all of the child care workers at risk for losing their jobs with your selfish “lazy” ways.
.-= habanerogal´s last blog ..A Quickie Quitting Update =-.
I know, right? I need to get them to the factory.
What arrogance. She can’;t even deign to be “FRIENDS” with you b/c of your “choices”? How closed-minded and bigoted can you get? What a horrible person. If she gets this worked up about SAHMs I wonder what else she spends her time feeling furious about. It makes me so sad that people put so little value to children and their upbringing. I would think this job would be so much more important than the vast majority of office jobs, for example.
.-= Marcy´s last blog ..What We’re Looking For: Sacramento (can you help?) =-.
A thought occurred to me last night. Does this ‘friend’ have children? Because really, I could use a few days at a spa. I can send her my three for two days and we’ll see if she then calls child raising non-important, non-work.
.-= Issa´s last blog ..She does everything her way =-.
Like many other things, feminism has done its job and should be a monitor of the progress it has made for women. Admittedly there is still plenty of work on the women’s right front but there are those feminists who will try to take the cause a bit further than necessary, all the way to the point of working against women’s rights.
Quirky, sure, but there was a bit of a uber-feminist flap concerning the Boobquake protest where some women were hating on the idea because it’s the women participating were objectifying themselves and should be covered up instead of letting men ogle at their exposed cleavage. So women should have to cover their bodies and be ashamed of the fact they have flesh as well as brains? How gross, it seems. These uber-feminists were ironically agreeing with the Muslim cleric that said women should cover up. How very drool… er, droll.
Heather, this person who commented is sitting on the other side of the same coin as women who sit in these faith-based family-oriented organizations that wish to bring about a Handmaid’s Tale world. They’re willing to take a freedom to choose however your commenter would take the freedom of being a stay at home mother away. At the end of the day it’s the same coin with just a different ugly face.
Oh, yeah, totally, because raising our kids doesn’t matter at ALL in the grand scheme of things. Like, that’s what Nintendo and Nickelodeon are for, duh. Don’t you know ANYTHING, Catherine?
I mean, seriously, look at how well that worked out for the Harris and Klebold families. And the entire city of Denver proper.
Really, you should be ashamed.
*off to find some aspirin to relieve the pain in my eyes from all the rolling*
.-= Mr Lady´s last blog ..The Grand Apologia =-.
@Mr Lady, I think the person is acting as a front-group/lobbyist for the nanny and babysitting industry.
@Edwin Perello, worlds. worst. babysitter.
.-= Mr Lady´s last blog ..The Grand Apologia =-.
@Mr Lady, Very likely but you see, the commenter is trying to get stay at home mothers out there working so demand for nannies and babysitters would go up, creating scarcity and, as a result, a reason to demand more money for the same work. It’s a sham. Don’t fall for it! =-O
I DON’T know anything. My brains fell out of my nethers around the same time that my children did.
Sorry, Facebook Fiend…I refuse to have a man tell me what I can and cannot do, no way in hell will I let a woman do it either.
.-= Loralee´s last blog ..Oh, #@%$*#*$*#*@!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! =-.
I hope you unfriended her before she could unfriend you! What an asshole! (who clearly doesn’t understand feminism AT ALL).
.-= Austin´s last blog ..In Which I Utter a Huge Sigh of Relief (And Immediately Suck It Back In With Anxiety) =-.
Unfortunately, she is not alone. Just the other day, a friend (who does not yet have kids) said to me “YOU’RE tired?! But you stay at home and do nothing all day”
.-= Sarah´s last blog ..A Lesson in Courage =-.
I read a quote somewhere recently that by being anti-SAHM/homemaker, one’s actually IS sexist…they don’t value the work that women have traditionally done, only giving value to the work men traditionally did.
.-= Ronnica´s last blog ..Hug-a-Lurker Day 2010 =-.
Totally, totally agree.
WOW! That’s about all I can say. She has serious issues of her own that she needs to deal with.
She wants to unfriend you on facebook… well honey, its her loss, not yours. You certainly don’t need ignorant and nasty friends.
.-= Margaret Howe´s last blog ..Manic Monday: Without Pants =-.
This “friend” of yours should have quit while she was only a little behind. Now she just sounds like a gigantic ass.
.-= Cindy´s last blog ..Crazy-Ass Neighbour: Part Deux =-.
http://www.focusonthefamily.com/parenting/parenting_roles/value-of-stay-at-home-moms.aspx
Maybe this person is jealous of your time at university, because they clearly didn’t get a very good education.
This debate is so tired-this person was right-it shouldn’t be brought up. The feminist movement made sure we had a choice-it did NOT dictate which choice was “right”.
By the way, this person should revisit the original intentions of higher education, which was to prepare people for intelligent participation in a democratic and free society, NOT to become cheap labor for some corporation.
By that definition your education is serving you (and us) quite well, I think.
This: “this person should revisit the original intentions of higher education, which was to prepare people for intelligent participation in a democratic and free society, NOT to become cheap labor for some corporation.”
Yes. YES YES YES.
Why does it always seem to be women who perpetuate this shit? I have been ridiculed for working outside the home, and on the other side, I have been ridiculed for staying in a job that I love, although I am academically qualified to do “better” things.
But I have never been ridiculed for any of those choices by a man. No, really. After my son was born, I expected to hear some of the more conservative men at my office make the occasional comment about how I should think about being a SAHM or something along those lines. It never happened.
I have, however, had SAHMs say things about my “poor” choice to leave my son at daycare while I work, and I’ve heard other working moms ridicule my choice not to take a job overseas because I want my son to grow up somewhat close to his extended family here in the States.
As others have said, damned if you do, and damned if you don’t. But DAMN, I really wish we women could at least pretend to be nicer, less snarky people more often!
Your post on this is excellent. Thank you. My favorite part is, “FEMINISM: YOU’RE DOING IT WRONG”.
I also love how your unfriend is unable to spell or use grammar correctly! Pathetic.
Oh. Wow. There are just no words, except for the ones that comments won’t let me post.
Does Facebook have a “curse you to the fifteenth generation” button next to “block.”
Sheesh!
“what you do all day”
So, speaking up for motherhood and children and breastfeeding is worthless? Talking about the realities of raising little monsters — I mean, children, is a waste of time?
I am in awe of what you do all day. I work outside the home because I cannot do what you do all day. I love my children, but staying home with them made me insane. Being a WOTHM has made me a mess, but a sane mess. And your writing is stunning. Evocative, beautiful, thought-provoking, humbling, and inspiring. and more.
That person is RUDE. Her comment was unjustfied and uncalled for, and I can’t believe she wasted her negative energy to share it with you. She should have just gone away.
.-= red pen mama´s last blog ..Lost: Across the Sea =-.
*blush* thank you
As if it were possible, her explanation of her “believe” (in your update) is quite possibly worse than her original insults. What an ignorant douchebag.
So…I’ve been staying home taking care of my kids for the past four years while my husband has “brought home to bacon.” I chose to stay at home rather than hire somebody else to care for my children, which btw, I think is a totally valid choice and I know many wonderful mothers who made different choices than I (imagine that – different choices! WOAH!). Ask any nanny or childcare teacher, it is hard work “just rais[ing] the kids” (I think she actually means just taking care of the kids because it seems she’s not objecting to raising children but actually staying home to take care of them during working hours. Which, btw, makes me wonder…is it okay to choose a career which involves taking care of others’ children? Is it okay to take care of other people’s children but not your own?
Anyway, I’m starting to rant, but obviously this woman…this “friend” of yours…is unable to see past her own nose. She’s obviously never considered what motherhood – working or otherwise – is in any thoughtful way. She hasn’t, I’m sure, ever taken the time to ask mothers – working, SAH, WAH, whatever – what it’s like to fill those roles.
She is, quite simply, ignorant, judgmental and mean. Good riddance.
.-= Nina´s last blog ..Toot Toot! =-.
Wow, that will teach you. You’ve been unfriended by someone who is not worthy of your time. I’m sure you’ll rush right out and get a job now! Perhaps you could teach grammar to poorly-educated, jealous, petty little Facebook users.
Wowee. And I don’t use that word (?) lightly; come to think of it, I may have never used it before. But it works nicely here, I think. Also: Unfreakin’believable.
Don’t forget the pedicures; they really eat into the massage time you get right before the nanny leaves for the day.
Oh, I know. And have you ever tried to change a diaper after getting a manicure? That’s why you NEED a nanny.
Evidentally she has not made use of HER university education given she seems borderline illiterae.
Losing this “friend” is no loss at all.
I am actually laughing at the balls of someone to send that to you. WHAT THE FUCK.
.-= Aimee Greeblemonkey´s last blog ..Puerto Rico : Arrival =-.
That was basically my reaction, too. WHAT THE FUCK.
What a complete and utter IDIOT. I hope you told her to go fuck herself!
WTF!!!!!
That is truly astonishing. She can no longer BE YOUR FACEBOOK FRIEND because you’re a stay-at-home mom??? Just aside from EVERYTHING THAT IS WRONG WITH THIS, does she think that stay-at-home momness is PERMANENT? That “the woman” will NEVER earn an income? will NEVER work? will NEVER “do anything” with degrees? Does she realize that if you worked for money, money earned by both of you would have to be spent to have OTHER PEOPLE care for the children—and is THAT a degrading, shameful job, caring for other people’s children for money? WTF!!! I feel like kicking someone in the proverbial nuts!
.-= Swistle´s last blog ..New Jeans! =-.
“I think both people should work and everyone I know work (sic) and take care (sic) of their children.”
OK, so wait. Am I to understand that my “choices” (or at least your “choices,” but presumably mine too) should be constrained by what this person thinks, and that what this person thinks, in turn, is determined by what things the other people that this person knows, do? What a horrifically narrow worldview.
Really, isn’t poo always more important than Plato? Always??
.-= Ginger´s last blog ..Ask me, ask me, ask me! =-.
ALWAYS.
The world would be a much nicer place if everyone who started off a conversation with “I know I shouldn’t say this, but…” just kept their damned mouths shut.
.-= Crystal´s last blog ..Sunday is a day of rest, correct? Then why am I dressed? =-.
Was it my mother who sent you that Facebook message? I think I hear from her on a daily basis about how I’m wasting my brains/talent/education by staying home. Good times.
Ok – I have to say it – LOVE…LOVE…LOVE your article!! I have actually experienced a little bit of this in the way that someone once said to me “oh…get a life…” I actually laughed because I was thinking “I have a life, I like my life and you probably couldn’t handle it!”. People are judgemental (or maybe just “mental”) because you are not doing, acting or being who THEY think you should be – silly them! I have said it before and I’ll say it again – it’s your life and you should choose to do what you think is the most important and beneficial for you and your family! To bad what anyone else thinks – you don’t need “friends” like that! Anyway – I loved reading this – thanks for the wonderful Friday chuckels!!
They are obviously doing so much better than you, sending people they know passive aggressive facebook messages because you just didn’t live up to their expectations…what an exemplary human being (sarcasm dripping down chin).
What a …. I don’t even know.
.-= La Tempete´s last blog ..Mother’s Day =-.
*snort* This sounds an awful lot like what my husband says about my being a SAHM.
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