This basically sums up everybody’s mood around here:
Usually, when I say that I’m a bad mother, I have my tongue jammed pretty firmly into the fleshy innards of my cheek. Even when I insist that I am not making a tongue-in-cheek statement – when I state that we’re all bad mothers, according to someone (because someone, somewhere, always thinks that we are, every single one of us, doing it wrong) – I’m still flirting with being coy. I don’t really believe that I’m a bad mother, on any terms other than those set out by whatever paradigm happens to be dominating the cultural discourse around what constitutes ‘good’ motherhood. And I think that my judgment is pretty sound here: I’ve looked at good motherhood and bad motherhood from all sides now, and I’m pretty sure that I’m right when I say that the whole idea of ‘good’ or ‘bad’ motherhood is mostly a crock.
All of which is simply to say this: I’m not a bad mother, not really. Except when I am.
Her (via Skype): I’ve been thinking about when we were little.
Me: Yeah?
Her: About how we used to sneak into each others’ beds when we were scared, and cuddle up together in the dark.
Me: Mom and Dad kept telling us that we didn’t need our own bedrooms, because we always wanted to share one bed.
Her: When I was really scared, you used to scratch my back. You’d gently scratch out the shape of a letter, and make me guess what it was…
Another note from my sister, in thanks for all of your comments here…
Thank you all for all the love and support; and thank you to my beautiful big sister.
We are at BC Children’s Hospital this week getting further prognoses for Tanner, a measure of the time we have left…
From my sister:
I read and reread the comments to all of my sister’s posts about Tanner. I do follow them but have never made one myself.
I am a strong woman and a mother… I thought I knew what I was capable of, I thought I could beat my demons by pushing my body and spirit to the limit… but I have been brought to my knees, again.
In the comments to yesterday’s post, someone remarked that, in their opinion, any flak that I get for whatever is probably due to the fact that I am incessantly negative and that incessant negativity is irritating. For someone who does live a priveleged life (sic) and has a great family, you spend an inordinate amount of your twitter life telling us how much things suck, wrote this very dissatisfied person. People want to see the happy times, too.
I disagree – I mean, many of my tweets of late have been about Emilia’s imaginary pet dragon, Beauregard, and about my love of Jasper’s bottom, and I think those are happy-making – but still. If my people want more HAPPY, I will give them more HAPPY, because, as I am sure I don’t need to remind you, I am a giver.
Behold, then. THINGS THAT ARE CURRENTLY MAKING ME HAPPY:
Once upon a time, in an Internet far, far away – which is to say, 6 months ago – I tweeted about Air Canada. I tweeted about them a few times, actually – I tweeted that they’d broken my nephew’s wheelchair, and I tweeted that they were working to replace it, and then I tweeted that they hadn’t, in fact, replaced it and had instead left Tanner stranded, immobile, while his mother and I scrambled frantically to reach someone at Air Canada on the telephone and did anyone out there have a number that didn’t start with 1-800 and end with ‘we’re sorry, ma’am, but you’ll have to call back on Monday’? – and it kind of started what is often colloquially referred to as a shit storm.
I’ve never written about that shit storm. I’ve never written about it because, frankly, by the time it was over I was sick of the whole thing. I was sick of the whole thing during the whole thing, actually: I was sick of what it did to Tanner and my sister; I was sick of how it took hold of us and shook us and demanded that we explain ourselves, dammit; I was sick of how it spilled TV cameras and reporters into the hall outside our room and how it pulled them along behind us on the sidewalk and in the park and on the subway and demanded that they ask, again and again, does this demonstrate the power of Twitter? Does this demonstrate the power that Twitter gives the little guy? I was sick of trying to explain, yes and no; it’s complicated; this is a triumph, and also not a triumph, and could you please leave that little guy alone? Because that little guy is scared and confused by all of the attention and this isn’t helping.
“I have decided to stick with love. Hate is too great a burden to bear.” Thus spake Martin Luther King. Sort of.
He actually said this: