Miles To Go
Yesterday, we drove – my mother, my sister and I – through the hot, dusty valley toward my father’s home, and we fought. A wrong word here, a raised eyebrow there, a tinder box of raw, snapping nerves and the flicker of a hint of a suggestion of an accusation, a tiny lick of angry flame and our grief exploded in waves of hot tears and sputtered words.
You don’t think I’m strong enough…
I’M not strong enough…
You don’t give me credit…
Nor you…
You’re not being fair…
You don’t understand me…
You don’t understand ME…
And all at once we were children again, squabbling and fuming, both of us directing every molecule of hurt and frustration toward the other, filling a moving car with our noise, daring our parents to intervene, to stop us (don’t you take her side, why do you take her side?) except that there was only one parent there, alone in the backseat, weeping as we shouted and as we stormed and we as removed ourselves from grief by cleaving to anger, forgetting Dad in that moment, in that long moment, because of course we could not have had that moment, just then, had Dad been there, because we wouldn’t have done it in front of Dad, not in our adulthood, anyway, because we just wouldn’t have, Dad wasn’t a man that you exploded in front of, because Dad was a man who emanated calm, a man who walked stillness, and even if we were to reach further back to when we were girls and Dad could not control us with his calm – what parent can simply will such tornadoes into stillness? - Dad wouldn’t have stood for it, Dad would have pulled over and quietly insisted that we stop our fighting, right this instant – you girls love each other, he’d say, stop it; stop it now, and tell each other that you love each other – and that would have been that and we’d have stopped and we’d have hugged resentfully and then slouched in our respective corners and pouted and maybe stuck out a tongue or two but we’d have stopped and our anger would have dissipated and we’d have driven on, together, a family.
We’d have driven on, a family, always a family, us, bound by our love and our need and our strength and our weaknesses and our usness. We’d have driven on.
My sister gripped the wheel and I fixed my gaze on the horizon and Mom sat silently and we drove on, our anger and our hurt simmering and sputtering and cooling far too slowly and when we reached our destination we sat together in silence and wondered what to do next.
I love you, you need to know I love you…
I know, I know…
I know…
Some things needed to be said.
I know. But you need to know…
I know.
Allies?
Always.
And then we got out of the car and Mom took our hands and we walked to the place where we needed to be, to the place where we would need all of our strength, the strength that only comes to us through clasped hands and faith in love and family, the strength that only comes to us through our usness, through us.
We are walking there still, hurt and afraid, terribly hurt and afraid, but the cool pressure of our hands, twined together, reminds us that we are us, even in his absence, it reminds us that we are us and it calms us and soothes us a little, enough, and so we can go on, trying, like him, to walk in stillness and to somehow go on, go on.
Posted by Her Bad Mother on August 9, 2009
Filed under: Dad, Flamily, fearless, heavy
Tags: death, grief, loss
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."What is done out of love always takes place beyond good and evil." (Nietzsche, Aphorism 153, Beyond Good And Evil.) Not, unfortunately, beyond Dora dolls that shout 'WE DID IT!' when you step on them, but you learn to cope with that.
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© 2010 • Her Bad Mother • All Rights Reserved
Aug 9, 2009
In my thoughts, Catherine. In my thoughts.
daysgoby´s last blog ..picked over
Aug 9, 2009
I summed it up at chez tanis how I feel but just know that we are listening and sharing in your grief if only from afar but near and dear in our hearts
Aug 9, 2009
Thinking of you, wishing you strength.
Aug 9, 2009
I am so sorry for your loss. So sorry. I’m sending love your way.
Aug 9, 2009
With you in spirit, C.
Julie @ The Mom Slant´s last blog ..Buyer’s remorse?
Aug 9, 2009
I’m so sorry for your loss.
jodifur´s last blog ..Shoe Friday #41 BlogHer Edition #3
Aug 9, 2009
Wishes of love, strength, and peace to you and yours…
Aug 9, 2009
Oh Catherine.
Hugs.
rachel-asouthernfairytale´s last blog ..Weekly Winners: The Beachy Birthday Edition
Aug 9, 2009
I know this grief intimately. I lost my father in an unnatural, sudden way this past November. Thanksgiving. I miss him so much. My thoughts and my prayers are with you and your family at this time.
Aug 9, 2009
There is something about the shorthand and strength that comes from your family, even when you’re hurt and angry, that holds us all together. Hugging you from afar..
Kellee´s last blog ..Itsy Bitsy Spider: Part 2
Aug 9, 2009
My words are not enough, I don’t even know what I could say. I’m thinking of you and I’m so sorry for your loss. Take as much strength as you can, we’re here for you.
Jay´s last blog ..Silent Sunday
Aug 9, 2009
I remember not long after my mom died, my sister and I had a blow-out fight, unlike any since childhood. It was..surreal, even at the time. It was over soon after and we both went back to our job at the time…just getting through.
You describe the feeling so well here, Catherine.
I am wishing for you peace and strength to get through it all.
xo
Aug 9, 2009
Sending you and your family thoughts of peace and love.
Kerri Anne´s last blog ..Poetry, Speaking To Me
Aug 9, 2009
I’m so very sorry. Sending thoughts and prayers your way.
Mrs Chaos´s last blog ..Big Sigh
Aug 9, 2009
My heart breaks for you – sending prayers for peace and strength during this overwhelmingly difficult time.
Steph @ Problem Solvin Mom´s last blog ..Cold Crock Pickles
Aug 9, 2009
“Allies” made me cry, me with one precious sister too, with whom I also argue when life is most raw, thankful that I can trust one person in this world to handle my anger and my pain until it passes, with a hand to hold on the other side.
There is nowhere to begin to speak to you of this, only to say that I hope the sharing helps as much as it is raw and beautiful.
Laurie´s last blog ..Sincerely, the Breakfast Club
Aug 9, 2009
You and your family are in my thoughts.
Aug 9, 2009
Words fail me that might offer some form of comfort, but please know that my thoughts and prayers are with you and your family at this difficult time. I am so, so, very sorry for your loss. Sending you hugs and love.
Aug 9, 2009
I’m so so sorry. I can’t even imagine, despite your powerful and amazing storytelling, what you are feeling. Be strong when you need to, but let the other feelings come freely when you can too.
Aug 9, 2009
How familiar – me with two sisters and remembering the loss of our dad. It is just not like anything else – but the gratitude for the love and the stillness is what the grief is made of – and that gratitude will last when the rest ebbs. If we didn’t love them it wouldn’t matter when we lost them. It’s the price. All my love
Cynthia Samuels´s last blog ..Hooray for Justice Sotomayor but I’m in London SO Let’s Look at These
Aug 9, 2009
You’re all in my thoughts and prayers. Much love to you all.
Chibi Jeebs´s last blog ..Dear So-and-So
Aug 9, 2009
So, so sorry for your loss.
MommyGeek´s last blog ..Reinvent Yourself [Re-post]
Aug 9, 2009
“Allies?”
Just that word alone among siblings tore me up. So sorry you’re all going through the loss of someone you love so much. My thoughts and prayers are with you.
foradifferentkindofgirl (fadkog)´s last blog ..a night that was some kind of wonderful, except it wasn’t actually ’some kind of wonderful’
Aug 9, 2009
What I want to do is send you the song that this forced into my head. You probably know it: k d lang singing One Day I Walk (Bruce Cockburn). I wish you peace, strength & love.
Aug 9, 2009
The word “Allies” got me crying too. I am so sorry for you loss. My heart aches for you all. My thoughts and prayers go to you all from over here.
Aug 9, 2009
Peace and prayers, Catherine. Thinking of you and yours—sending strength and energy your way.
Cheryl´s last blog ..Saturday Snapshots: The Three L’s
Aug 9, 2009
I’m holding your family in my heart. I know you have the strength for this.
xoxo
Aug 9, 2009
Thinking of you and your family, Catherine. Wishing you strength and sending you love.
Nancy´s last blog ..Announcement
Aug 9, 2009
Walking right behind you in spirit. Love you.
katie ~ motherbumper´s last blog ..Partner in Crime
Aug 9, 2009
I’m so sorry for your loss. You are in my thoughts and prayers.
Carrie @ Who Knew?´s last blog ..Why are you a vegetarian?
Aug 9, 2009
Sadly I have been there. It sucks. Hard doesn’t describe it.
Sad doesn’t either.
You are in my prayers.
tuesday´s last blog ..Tapinoma Sessile
Aug 9, 2009
Love to all of you, you are in my prayers. Peace be yours xo
Ariel´s last blog ..Inquiring minds want to know
Aug 9, 2009
Wishing you and your family peace and strength. <>
Aug 9, 2009
Bless your hearts. sometimes it is tough to not lash out at the living, but you will always be allies. You are in my prayers.
Aug 9, 2009
I so very sorry, Catherine. Wishing you and your family much strength.
Aug 9, 2009
You are all in my thoughts and prayers – sweet, sweet Catherine, you will get through this. You will.
Carrie´s last blog ..Noodles and Floaties and Sunscreen, Oh My!
Aug 9, 2009
So sorry, Catherine…I loved what you wrote about allies. I’m an only child, so I pictured my two girls saying that to each other, having that exact car ride someday after David or I passed on.
Allies? Always. Uh, what a beautiful legacy.
I don’t know your dad, but I’d bet he was very proud. My thoughts are with you.
Kim
The Yummy Mummy´s last blog ..My Sordid Confession (Served Up with Mario Batali’s Cacciatore)
Aug 9, 2009
I am 34 years old and not ready to live without a parent. I am very sorry for this loss.
Aug 9, 2009
I’m so sorry for your loss. Wishing you strength and peace during this difficult time.
Aug 9, 2009
I am so, so very sorry and sorrowful for you. Through your words, I feel as I know your Dad and his calm. His calm will envelop you and carry you in your darkest moments. And in this time of unthinkable pain and heartache, please know the strength that endures for you out here.
Aug 9, 2009
I’m thinking of you, and hoping for the best for you. I’m so, so sorry that you’re going through this, that you lost your father.
Amber´s last blog ..The Maternity Leave Experience: Tracey and Brie
Aug 9, 2009
So sorry for your loss.
No Mother Earth´s last blog ..Post It Forward
Aug 9, 2009
My heart aches for you. You and your family have been in my thoughts!
Maria´s last blog ..Growing up without asking permission
Aug 9, 2009
I don’t know the circumstances but I feel your grief from here… hold tight. Don’t hurt each other. {hugs}
BB
Bush Babe (of Granite Glen)´s last blog ..Visit to the Vet
Aug 9, 2009
It’s good to have allies in situations like this. Having one special one in particular, one you can say awful things to who will love you no matter what, is even more important.
I’m so very sorry for your loss. xoxo
Chicky Chicky Baby´s last blog ..BlogHer ‘10 or 20th high school class reunion? Decisions, decisions.
Aug 9, 2009
I also empathize in your loss in the deepest way my dad died in a tragic whirlwind of a moment that should have never happened. All I can say is that I am sending you thoughts and strength during this time.
Michelle Pixie´s last blog ..Saturday Morning Coloring
Aug 9, 2009
I am so sorry for your loss. My thoughts are with you.
Gwen´s last blog ..Twitter Updates for 2009-08-09
Aug 9, 2009
know that we are all here, reading, praying for you and yours to have strength. you are surrounded by love. when all is at its darkest- remember we are here.
Sashalyn´s last blog ..how we play…
Aug 9, 2009
It sounds weird, but the past few nights yo have been my last thought as I fall asleep. And I’ve prayed for you. For what it’s worth.
There is a song that carried me through the days after my grandfather died. I think it’s beautiful, and comforting. You can download it here if you are interested.
Aug 9, 2009
Your usness will get you through this. I’m so sorry for your loss.
Mariah´s last blog ..Luck
Aug 9, 2009
So sorry for this sudden loss. I have been thinking (and praying!) for you.
Aug 9, 2009
it is good to have an ally, one who can weather the lashing out that is part of hurting. that alliance is a little testament to your dad.
i am so sorry about your dad, Catherine.
Bon´s last blog ..tangle
Aug 9, 2009
i’m so sorry for your loss. i’m glad you have your sister there with you.
MommyNamedApril´s last blog ..Sunday Citar
Aug 9, 2009
I am so sorry for your loss. Keep holding each other. One day at a time. Julie
Aug 9, 2009
Wishing you were all brought together in much happier circumstances, with that stabilizing force keeping the calm.
Thinking of you.
Emma´s last blog ..Rollercoaster
Aug 9, 2009
just {{hugs}}
Aug 9, 2009
Just a note to wish you strength thru this terrible situation. I’m so sorry for your loss.
Aug 9, 2009
Very sorry for the loss of you beloved father. I hope the next days, weeks bring you strength and love from those you need it from.
Your writing moves me. I love reading your blog. I am so pleased you use your gift so well.
Sending you thoughts of peace,
Melissa
Aug 9, 2009
Don’t know what to say you who has all the words, as always — even for the unspeakable. Thinking of you and your family. ((hugs))
Haley-O´s last blog ..Work in Progress: I Can Totally Do It All
Aug 9, 2009
I’m so,so sorry for your loss, Catherine, and I hope you, as I have, find strength in the bonds of your family. My Dad was our calm, our rock, and to be honest, sometimes I have to pretend that he’s still here, to deal.
Thinking of you during this very sad time. xoxo
Karen MEG´s last blog ..Weekly Winners – Summertime
Aug 9, 2009
Thinking of you and your family, of origin and of your making. Peace to both.
Amanda´s last blog ..The smell of then
Aug 9, 2009
Warm thoughts for you and your family.
Amber´s last blog ..Failed Again
Aug 9, 2009
Your recent posts have really touched me and I have cried while reading each one. I very much hope that you and your family know that so many are thinking of you and can gain a little strength from that knowledge.
Marilyn´s last blog ..What’s That Sound?
Aug 9, 2009
Sending warm thoughts of Aloha during your time of intense emotional loss. Glad you have a sibling at your side as well as a mother. Remember to sit in the Sun if the dark gets too much. Malama ~
Eliza´s last blog ..Summer Solstice 2009
Aug 10, 2009
I’m so very very very sorry for your loss.
Aug 10, 2009
Narrate, live, cry, do whatever you need to do to get through each moment. I can’t fathom your loss, but you have my prayers for love and peace in the midst of what must be overwhelming grief.
D.´s last blog ..The Best Way to Use Vinegar In Your House (aside from cooking)
Aug 10, 2009
Been thinking of you lots. Know I am right here, in your corner. Big hugs to you. xo
Karen Sugarpants´s last blog ..There is Nothing Cute About Disease-Ridden Bugs. Period.
Aug 10, 2009
Catherine: Praying for you all as you begin this journey on the road that never ends, the road of pain and sorrow, missing and wanting, the final goodbye.
Just know that the rawness of death will subside and life will move forward, creeping and crawling, and slowly, oh so slowly just the thought of him, the thought of days gone by, will bring smiles and tears but most of all joy.
I will be praying and thinking of you all in the moments and days ahead, as you prepare to say your last earthly goodbyes to the greatest man you’ve ever known, your dad. Love, Susan
Aug 10, 2009
I am so very sorry for your loss. Your dad sounds like a wonderful man. Wishing you peace and strength in this time of grief.
Aug 10, 2009
when my small children fight they make up by saying ‘brother and sister forever, friends for life’. i hope that they will have this sentiment with them as adults, they way you and your sister are allies at this terrible time.
wishing you the best.
Aug 10, 2009
So deeply sorry for your loss.
Mandy´s last blog ..Non Sequitur
Aug 10, 2009
so so sorry…but so glad for your “us”
Sheri´s last blog ..nothing
Aug 10, 2009
Just came online after days – I’m so sorry, Catherine. Truly. I know how horrible this is. Peace and strength and love.
kgirl´s last blog ..She Had To Have Known I Was Going To Blog This
Aug 10, 2009
I am so so very sorry and my heart breaks for you and your family. My thoughts and prayers and lots of love during this time.
Loural
Aug 10, 2009
Oh, Catherine, I am so sorry for your loss. My thoughts are with you and your family. Take care of yourself.
Sarah @ BecomingSarah.com´s last blog ..Naming the Princess Charlie.
Aug 10, 2009
I, too, have been there. Let your friends and family buoy you through these difficult hours and days.
If someone asks how they can help, take that marker, let them know “Yes, please, right now I’m not sure what needs doing but when I do I’ll phone you” Then call them, when you need to step out for a coffee, or want to talk, or you need some laundry done – whatever…
Much love as you work through this.
Mary
Aug 10, 2009
I don’t know you. You don’t know me. And yet. You are now experiencing something impossible, torturously impossible.
As I read your whispered words, the tears, my tears, welled up. Because in your beautiful, uneven, profound, instinctive musings, your pain is utterly, profoundly palpable. Because one year ago, I lost my own father. And, no, these experiences are not fungible. It’s never the same. No, I don’t know what you are going through. No one does. But you. But reading your words, I was hurled back one year to the day when everything changed, when my childhood came to a screeching halt. On that day, I became a different person. Not better or worse. Different.
And today. I am that person, but a bit better. Because time is the only hand that will pull you through this. Time. And family. And your own lovely words.
I don’t know you, but I am thinking of you. For whatever that’s worth. Not much, I know.
Aidan Donnelley Rowley´s last blog ..Change Your Mind
Aug 10, 2009
So heart-wrenching. Hard to believe things will get easier. Sending you my best thoughts.
Someone told me, “some day this will just be another thing that happened” and that bitch was right.
RookieMom Heather´s last blog ..Activity #590: Give longer life to your cutest kids shirts
Aug 10, 2009
Even in grief, your words are achingly, devastatingly beautiful. I am so sorry to read this news and am sending all of my anonymous internet love your way.
Dawn´s last blog ..Oh Bryn! You see in the dark… Right past the fireflies that sleep in my heart
Aug 10, 2009
I am so sorry, there are no words to take away your pain…your writing is eloquent and beautiful…
Aug 10, 2009
This breaks my heart.
I wish there was some magic pill that could take the pain of death away. I know everyone says it but it WILL get easier. I promise you that.
I am so very sorry.
Nel´s last blog ..Friends Don’t Let Friends Text & Drive
Aug 10, 2009
I’m so sorry for your loss. Sending love, warmth and hugs to you and your family.
Aug 10, 2009
Having just had a screaming fight with my younger sister, a fight in which we both behaved like children, this resonated so. Because we need someone to say to us “stop it, you’re sisters, now hug each other right now”. There wasn’t anyone, and now she has decided not to hear me or speak to me.
I can only imagine how much worse I would feel if I were grieving a loss at the same time.
Aug 10, 2009
I am so very sorry for your loss. My thoughts are with you in this incredibly difficult time.
Karen\´s last blog ..We Have a Winner!!!
Aug 10, 2009
Oh Catherine. So much love to you and your family.
Aug 10, 2009
[...] A blogger loses her Dad. Close to home for me. Heart-wrenching and haunting stuff. {Her Bad Mother: Miles to Go} [...]
Aug 10, 2009
“Sorrow shared is sorrow halved.” Yeah, I think it’s bullshit, too.
But thanks for letting us share in yours… much strength and peace sent to you and your family.
T.
Tina@SendChocolate´s last blog ..RIP John Hughes, your legacy lives on with my kids
Aug 10, 2009
Love, Catherine. Just love and peace. And my dearest hope that you find joy again soon. He’d want you have it.
Jenny, Bloggess´s last blog ..It’s just coincidental that Victor got stabbed right after I wrote this. I didn’t even stab him. Some guy named Bill did. I’m the one who drove him to go get a tetanus shot. If anything, I’m a hero.
Aug 10, 2009
Catherine, I’m so sorry for this terrible loss. You and your family are in my thoughts and prayers.
Aug 10, 2009
I am so sorry for your loss. I can’t even imagine the hurt and the fear. Love and peace your way…
WonderSpot´s last blog ..Lamer than Lame
Aug 10, 2009
Catherine,
What you are documenting, so courageously, is real-life tragedy. I also have a sister with whom I share one heart. I imagine we’d be similarly fragile and dangerous electrical live wires if in your shoes.
You are strong, you are allies, you are loved. Nothing can prepare you for dealing w/your father’s death. Nothing. If you have the courage, please keep writing. You are helping many.
Kathleen ´s last blog ..kathleenblastpr: Cooking dinner for the hubby and I whilst he "watches" Max and Ruby w/Cyrus. So adorably sweet…
Aug 10, 2009
may the peace and love of the entire universe envelope you and your family.
Aug 10, 2009
I am holding your hand from here.
Mom101´s last blog ..Daddy. My own.
Aug 10, 2009
I am heartbroken for you.
Aug 11, 2009
Tears. Shock. Hope for peace.
califmom´s last blog ..I Should Tell The Neighbor
Aug 11, 2009
My thoughts are with you and your family. I wish I could send you a cheesy potato casserole, which doesn’t heal the pain but,you know, cheesy potato meals are comforting in an I can’t figure out what else I can do for you way.
GingerB´s last blog ..Haiku Friday – the camping shuffle
Aug 11, 2009
Oh, my dear…sending much love your way. Wrap yourself in it and know that we are all thinking of you.
Glennia´s last blog ..To Blog or Not to Blog? That is the Question
Aug 11, 2009
[...] « Previous Home [...]
Aug 11, 2009
I’m so, so sorry. I feel surrounding by loss of fathers this week.
RuthWells´s last blog ..Fun with Google Analytics
Aug 11, 2009
Earlier this week my world stopped too when my father-in-law landed in ICU while we were on vacation together. We’ve been living since Tuesday in a foreign land, far from home, teetering on the edge of everything holy. It shocked me that the world kept spinning except then I saw your awful, awful loss and I felt a terrible kinship. You don’t know how much comfort you brought me, even in your most wretched hour. Just feeling like someone got it. I hope you understand what I’m bungling here.
Anyway, I am so profoundly sorry for your loss, Catherine. I’m just so sorry, but even in hell your words shine fiercely white.
Aug 13, 2009
Just read all of your recent posts. So very sorry for your tragic loss. I follow you on twitter and I am just now finding out. I lost my sister 6 weeks ago and have been having a hard time dealing with the my own loss. We too suffered (because it is a terrible experience)an investigation which left more questions than answers. Thank you for your blog. It helps me know someone else “gets it”. You have had the courage to write words I have only had the courage to think quietly to myself. So Thank You.
Aug 13, 2009
My thoughts are with you.
Aug 14, 2009
That was beautiful. Your papa would be so proud. Be well. Wishing you comfort and support as you try to make sense of your tremendous loss.
Nina @ Playground for Parents´s last blog ..Snacks from Funky Monkey! Back to School Extravaganza!