A Good Birth

When I was pregnant with Jasper, I asked my doctor for a c-section.

Can I have a c-section?, I asked.

No, she said.

I had been going through early labor for weeks. It was three weeks or so before my due date, but bio-physical ultrasounds were logging me at well over a week overdue based on Jasper’s size. Jasper, according to ultrasound measurements, probably weighed close to nine pounds. And I still had three weeks to go.

I was a little freaked out.

I’m serious, I told my doctor.

– We’re keeping a close eye on you. If he gets to an unmanageable size, we’ll talk about it. But you can do this. Emilia was big. You’ve done this.

But…

– We’ll talk about it again next week.

The following week, I informed her – my tongue only lightly in cheek – that I would perform a c-section on myself, if I had to.

I’m sure that’s not necessary, she said.

A few days later, I asked again. The most recent ultrasound had put Jasper’s weight at about 9 and a half pounds. I was having painful contractions every night. My body, I told my doctor, wants this child OUT.

– And it will get him out. But if he doesn’t come this weekend, we’ll talk c-section next week.

Jasper arrived that weekend. Oh, boy, did he arrive. All nine and half plus pounds of him, and in a hurry, and through an exit that he made himself, with his head. It was the most terrifying experience of my life, and mine, I’ll have you know, is a life that has seen life-threatening house fires, horrific car accidents and being held hostage on a Greek island. None of that holds a terror-candle to precipitous labor with blast-exit effects.

My doctor asked me, later, whether I was glad that I’d let Jasper come out on his own.

No, I said. No way.

I was glad – thrilled, grateful, ecstatic – that Jasper was out and that he was healthy. But if I could have had the delivery go differently, I would have, no question. With Emilia, I’d been in active labor for nearly thirty hours, with an epidural that only worked on half my body and pain so bad that I hallucinated my twelve-year old self hovering in the room and laughing at me. I’d have swapped Jasper’s mode of delivery for that one in a flash, hallucinations and all. I’d also have swapped it for a c-section. I didn’t ever say that out loud, though. I knew from experience that this is a sensitive subject. And end of the day, I was just glad that Jasper and I – after a delivery that, in an earlier time, would have, no question, killed us both – were fine. So I wasn’t interested in – and didn’t see the need for – debating the subject.

Still, whenever some well-meaning person has made a comment or a joke about wishing that they’d had a ninety-minute natural labor – instead of their own ten hour/twenty hour/thirty hour labor, or induced or vacuum-assisted or medicated labor, or c-section, or whatever – I’ve bristled a little. Not unless you like being terrified out of your mind thinking that you and your baby are going to die and having that baby crown while you’re speeding down the highway and then blast his own way out tearing you so badly that the doctors can’t see through the gore to give you a local before they stitch you up and even then it’s so messy that one of them stitches his finger to your hoo-ha and they’ve only given you a Tylenol 3 and THERE’S SO MUCH BLOOD and OH MY GOD THE PAIN and you can’t walk for nearly six weeks and then you’re left with post-traumatic stress disorder and a frankenvulva, I think. Not unless you’re mother-effing crazy.

But I never say that. I’ve always just said no, you probably don’t, made a little joke about frankenvulvas, and left it at that.

Because, end of the day, it doesn’t matter. It’s a cliche, but it’s one that is firmly rooted in truth: what matters in any birth is the baby. Not you, not me, not the midwife or the attending physician or one’s partner or anyone else. The baby. If the baby comes out okay, then it’s good. Which is not to say that you or I or anyone else might not be disappointed or upset or sore or post-traumatically stressed – I was sore and stressed in the extreme – or that we shouldn’t strive to advocate for our own and others’ best births, whatever that looks like, only that how the baby arrives in this world and in our arms (hello, adoptive moms!) is far less important than that he or she does.

This, too: although it seems that birthin’ babies is an experience with which all mothers can identify in some common measure (stick two or mothers in a room together and odds are good that at some point they will compare birth stories), it simply isn’t, not least because not all mothers give birth. Not all mothers give birth – some adopt, some are in partnerships or marriages with the birth-mothers of their children, some foster, some surrogate – and not all mothers view or experience birth in the same way. Some regard giving birth at home and/or giving birth naturally, without medical intervention, as the best possible kind of birth; others want a full team of doctors at their side with an epidural drip that kicks in at the earliest possible moment. Some want soft lighting and soft music, others just want it OVER WITH LIKE NOW. Some would very much prefer if stork deliveries could be arranged. End of the day, the birth experience – indeed, the experience of getting your child into your arms by whatever means, birth or paperwork or Stork Express – is a profoudly and necessarily personal one, one that only we, each of us, as individuals (and, I suppose, couples, although that might be another topic entirely) can judge as good or bad or acceptable or whatever.

What I wish is that we could talk about these differences – in all of their awkward glory – without falling at each other’s throats. Yes, I have – like some others – thought that getting a c-section would have been a lucky break. I’ve joked about it. I’ve certainly joked and heard the jokes and cringed in response to the jokes about squeezing jumbo watermelons out of one’s nethers. But I’ve also listened with sympathy to stories about pelvises breaking during labor and complications after c-sections and heartbreak over needing to be induced or rushed away from home birthing nests to hospitals because intervention was needed, and I’ve commiserated countless times with other women who had their nethers shredded and are still – weeks, months, years later – a little bit traumatized by it. I’ve listened to heartbreaking stories about failed adoptions and lost children and to heartwarming stories about children delivered safely to their mothers’ arms. These are personal experiences of the life-changing event that is welcoming a child into one’s life and one’s heart and none of us, none of us, can say whether another’s is anything other that what she professes it to be. And none of us should decry how another professes that experience or articulates her feelings around that experience.

And why should we? Some us need to cry, some of us need to rage, some of us need to laugh and laugh and laugh some more. These are rich experiences; these are the terrible and amazing and awesome and sometimes very darkly funny stories – stories that make us cringe and squeal and cry and rage and, yes, laugh – that make up the rich narrative fabric of motherhood.

Let’s not stop it unfurling. Let’s embrace – or, at least, be tolerant of – each others’ ways and means of sharing these stories, and recognize them for the intensely personal stories that they are. And then let’s all remember to be grateful, so grateful, that so many of these stories, whatever their dramas, have happy endings – BABIES – and that we live in an age and a culture where the happy ending is the norm, and where we have the luxury of discussing how to give birth and not whether or not we or our babies are or are not likely to survive birth.

Many aren’t so lucky.

Posted by Her Bad Mother on January 18, 2010 1:13 pm • Ima Let You Finish, Mother Talk, Rants, fearless, her bad pregnancy, jasper, post-partum bad • 126 comments

126 Comments

heather... Said,

January 18, 2010 @ 1:23 pm

I am going to have my second c-section in a short time. Having had a baby that was lucky to survive birth at ALL, I definitely bristle when people put down women who have c-sections. We all want the same outcome – healthy mom, healthy baby – does the method of delivery really matter? I HAVE to have a c-section this time, for my OWN health. Anyone who tells me my birth story isn’t as valid as theirs can bite me.

(Your franken vulva story has always made me appreciate my c-section)
heather…´s last blog ..Homeward Bound

Her Bad Mother Reply:
January 18th, 2010 at 7:12 pm
Thank you for this, heather. They can bite me, too
Crunchy Said,

January 18, 2010 @ 1:24 pm

Well, I have done all three. The 36 hours of hell with epidurals, forceps, suction and torn from stem to stern, the 90 minutes keeping legs crossed in car no drugs blammo AND a c section due to breach babies and lazy fucking doctors. Lets also not forget induced labour for 17 hours to deliver a dead baby.

Yeah..I have done em all.

And yeah after all of those experiences…it is the babies that count. We don’t get medals for the mode of delivery. They don’t make us better than another mother. We are all different and we all have our own deeply personal experiences that no one can really understand because they are not us.

So yeah..the babies come first and our battle scared vagina’s are there for us and us alone to mark our own experiences…not to compare to others.

We can share our stories, we can sympathize, we can explain why we feel one way is better than an other…but really…each persons pregnancy and delivery is their own journey and the sooner we respect that the quicker we can all just stick to supporting and aiding in any nurturing of moms and babies that we might like to do.

Her Bad Mother Reply:
January 18th, 2010 at 7:20 pm
It’s just too easy to forget, for some reason, that it IS so personal, and that what one person can’t imagine ever doing is another person’s dream birth. And that for a mom who has lost a child, or miscarried, or can’t get pregnant at all – or, as we know from terrible things happening this week, is living somewhere where she can’t have a safe delivery at all – *any* birth is a dream birth.
Her Bad Mother´s last blog ..A Good Birth
Julie @ The Mom Slant Said,

January 18, 2010 @ 1:25 pm

Good gravy, YES.

Thank you for reminding us how incredibly lucky we are to have the freedom to debate this topic. And how incredibly lucky we are to have our healthy babies at home with us, however they may have arrived.
Julie @ The Mom Slant´s last blog ..Call me a lucky bitch
Annie @ PhD in Parenting Said,

January 18, 2010 @ 1:25 pm

Thank you for saying this so eloquently Catherine. Like so many other areas of parenting, I don’t see any sense in diminishing what a mother feels or felt or criticizing a decision she felt she had to make or making her feel guilty for a decision that was directly or indirectly made for her that she later regrets.

Stories are personal. I think we can accept and embrace them for that. But when stories of how great something turned out or how badly something turned out start getting used in place of evidence as a reason to do or not to do something, I start to bristle.
Annie @ PhD in Parenting´s last blog ..The Big Fight
Julie @ The Mom Slant Said,

January 18, 2010 @ 1:28 pm

And let me state again, without apologies, that I loved all three of my doctors and trusted them implicitly and think my three c-sections were the cat’s meow. I don’t regret a damn thing, and I think intervention is the mother-effing BOMB.
Julie @ The Mom Slant´s last blog ..Call me a lucky bitch

Her Bad Mother Reply:
January 18th, 2010 at 8:04 pm
I’m an intervention girl, myself, although before having my first I would have said that I wanted to try to go as non-intervention as possible. I get both sides. But man, yeah – with Emilia, once the epidural kicked in, I could have kissed my doctors. And if my doctor had relented on the c-section with Jasper (and I still do respect for urging me to put that off as long as possible) I certainly would have kissed her.

But that’s just me.
Her Bad Mother´s last blog ..A Good Birth
Isabel @AlphaMom Said,

January 18, 2010 @ 1:36 pm

Amen.

Let’s not forget that a pregnant mom’s safety is necessary for the health of the baby. Maternal health seems to be a second class citizen; in doing so, a disservice is being done to that baby.

Her Bad Mother Reply:
January 18th, 2010 at 8:07 pm
Amen. It’s too easy to forget – with birth, with breastfeeding, with PPD, with so many things – that maternal health shouldn’t be relegated to afterthought. Maternal health corresponds directly to infant health – we should never forget that.
Mom101 Said,

January 18, 2010 @ 1:40 pm

And with that…I sigh.
Mom101´s last blog ..Lean on me. Or you.
Mandi Bone Said,

January 18, 2010 @ 1:42 pm

I was told my whole life that my heart could not handle pregnancy and labor. I was born with a congential heart defect. I was very lucky and the doctors changed thier mind. I got to be pregnant.I had wanted to do a drug free natural childbirth. I was devavsted when the doctors told me it was not safe for me because of my heart. Looking back it seems silly to cry over an epidual.I am also a mother who has adopted.Great post!
red pen mama Said,

January 18, 2010 @ 2:04 pm

Listening is good. Judging is not. Stories are to be owned and heard. Not picked at.

Thanks, Catherine, again. For telling your stories and reminding us all that we should give others the room to tell theirs.

rpm
red pen mama´s last blog ..Brand New Hat
Jamie Said,

January 18, 2010 @ 2:09 pm

I had an unmedicated natural birth- I worked like hell to do it. I saw it as the best choice for ME. I was so incredibly lucky to be able to choose and that both of us were safe.

But just because that’s what I chose doesn’t make it right for anyone else. I don’t value my sister-in-law’s C-section birth experience any less than mine. No matter how you do it, it’s going to be life changing- we can all get to the same place by different paths.

And thanks for the shout out to adoptive moms! I was adopted and I think my mom would appreciate that. They are part of the club too.
Jamie´s last blog ..For Sale

Her Bad Mother Reply:
January 18th, 2010 at 8:13 pm
I think that it’s especially important to remember, in discussions like these, that not all mothers give birth, and that for such mothers any discussion that puts mode of delivery as some kind of definitive maternal experience necessarily and hurtfully excludes them. Which is not to say that birth experiences aren’t important experiences, just that they’re not *most* important in considering the maternal experience.
Her Bad Mother´s last blog ..A Good Birth
Angie@The Crew Said,

January 18, 2010 @ 2:11 pm

After 4 births, one being a midterm loss of a precious baby boy, I have never gone into labor on my own. I have been induced each and everytime for various reasons. Although my stories vary all include the ability to have these induced safe births, one could have been life threatening for both of us and I realise that somewhere else I may have not been so lucky. My prayers and gifts are with those in the world that aren’t so lucky. Thank you for the reminder
Angie@The Crew´s last blog ..boys oh boy!
kgirl Said,

January 18, 2010 @ 2:21 pm

Well, I went from an unmedicated homebirth with my first to an emergency c-section with my second. I’ll take an unmedicated homebirth anyday, and can’t understand why a woman would choose a c-section if a vaginal delivery was viable. But I don’t have to. I’ll worry about my own body, you worry about yours.

I highly recommend reading Great Expectations, an anthology of birth stories by writer-types. Talk about unifying.
kgirl´s last blog ..Miami

Her Bad Mother Reply:
January 18th, 2010 at 8:42 pm
I asked for a c-section because a) I was in ongoing pain from the weeks of early labor, and b) was well and truly – and, it turned out, rightly – scared of the birth experience that lay ahead of me with such a big baby. I guess it depends on how we define viable. I certainly wouldn’t choose a c-section if everything seemed to be proceeding normally and safely. But it wasn’t really going that way.

But yeah, it’s different for everyone, and if someone *did* so choose, who am I to say that there’s something wrong with that? To each our own.

Thanks for the book reco
Her Bad Mother´s last blog ..A Good Birth

Crunchy Reply:
January 18th, 2010 at 10:28 pm
I was the same with T. I was sooo done. The size didn’t worry me…infact sooo farking tired of 9 lbs being considered big. I am big and tall. My dh is big and tall…all our babes are in the 9 lbs range..it makes sense.

But yeah..the amount of pre labour, the discomfort. When I heard she was breach..I really couldn’t decide how much of a fight I wanted then for a natural birth…
Crunchy´s last blog ..Lost Causes
Jana Said,

January 18, 2010 @ 2:46 pm

Yes, oh yes. While I know that there are still births here in the U. S. and in Canada that do not end well, our odds for a healthy baby and a healthy mom are overwhelmingly positive, no matter what kind of delivery we experience. Thinking about mothers who do, indeed, have every reason to worry that their babies or they may not survive childbirth is heartbreaking, and it makes the arguments over medicated/unmedicated/home/hospital/etc. seem downright silly.
Jana´s last blog ..Target Candle Tins
LibraryGirl62 Said,

January 18, 2010 @ 3:09 pm

I had a 8 pound 11 oz baby, followed 15 months later by a 9 pound 11 oz baby. I do not give birth. I never dilate, even with drugs and the nurse cheerfully informed me as I was being wheeled in for my 1st C-Section that I would have been one of those dead-on-the-trail mothers if I was giving birth in a wagon train. A week after I had my oldest, I was watching a Phil Donahue (yes-she’s 17) and it was all about people blaming all their life problems on Cesarean births. People NEVER cease to amaze me! Healthy babies are our goal and thank God for each and every one-no matter how they get here!

Her Bad Mother Reply:
January 18th, 2010 at 8:55 pm
They told me the same thing – ‘dead on the trail’ – after Jasper’s birth. And not even just ‘on the trail’ – we’d not have survived without good medical attention *anywhere*. It’s sobering.
Her Bad Mother´s last blog ..A Good Birth
The New Girl Said,

January 18, 2010 @ 3:14 pm

I love the inclusiveness and the gentleness in this post.

Love it.
The New Girl´s last blog ..Little Boy Blue.

Her Bad Mother Reply:
January 18th, 2010 at 8:55 pm
*smooch*
Jessi Said,

January 18, 2010 @ 4:01 pm

I never complain about my c-sections. I think they are the bomb. I never worried for one little second about my breech 10 lb. daughter or the 9 and a half lb. one that came after. Which, after losing my son at 30 weeks, was a relief. Despite my peace with my birthing situations, I have been amazed at how many other people weren’t at peace with it. How many people have told me that they pity me for “never having given birth.” How many people tried to shove that business of being born crap down my throat when I was pregnant with my youngest. How many people told me that my first c was unnecessary and my second was downright “criminal.” I had loss. And I had horror and fear and misery. I needed peace, I needed a team of surgical professionals, I needed drugs, I needed a hospital and a NICU (just in case) and wow this is long…

I love you Catherine. You rock and you are totally right.
Jessi´s last blog ..Miscelaney, Ranting, Giveawaying and Awards
6512 and growing Said,

January 18, 2010 @ 4:18 pm

when my first child came home after his long hospital stay due to being born 3 1/2 months premature, I visited with a friend who had been training midwives in Afghanistan. I commented that a child born at 25 weeks, like my son, probably wouldn’t have received great care in Afghanistan. She replied “he would have died.”

I consider myself lucky that I birthed my son vaginally without drugs, but mostlyt I am so grateful for the happy ending of my baby.
6512 and growing´s last blog ..Common ground
Becky Said,

January 18, 2010 @ 5:02 pm

Thank you thank you thank you for writing this. When telling my birth story about my 3 pound preemie (9 weeks early) being born I get a lot of “You’re so lucky! That baby probably just flew out. Did you even feel him?”. It makes me want to scream. First off, yes I felt him. It was still three pounds of a human being coming out of my vagina. Second, seriously I was lucky? That my child was on the verge of death on his first weeks of life? That I spent many months visiting my child in the hospital without even getting to hold him? We have very different views of lucky I guess. Sorry! I get very passionate about this. Once again thanks for bringing up this topic!

Lisa Reply:
January 18th, 2010 at 9:12 pm
Since you get this a lot, I’d think by now you’d realize that people DON’T get it, they don’t get what it means to deliver a preemie. Don’t get mad or scream, don’t make them feel like an ass. Educate them. A simple, “Actually, he spent months in the hospital and I couldn’t even hold him. I’m lucky he is alive, but I’d trade any kind of labor to have carried him to term.”

People just don’t understand unless they hear about it. Save some poor woman some future comments by letting them know how it is.
Megan Said,

January 18, 2010 @ 5:28 pm

You know what? This is fabulous. I am so glad that you posted this. Now is there any way that you can get every mother everywhere to read this? Because they need to. They really do. And they need to shut up with their criticism and rude comments about who had a better birth, because births are all either good or bad. There is no in between, no grading scale, no right or wrong way to give birth. Every birth that produces a healthy, living baby is good, no matter how that baby got out!
Megan´s last blog ..Confessions
caramama Said,

January 18, 2010 @ 5:36 pm

Another thank you for writing this. I really needed to read it, and probably will reread it a few times.

You are absolutely right. I have run the gamut of emotions about my failed VBAC. I have been accepting and thankful; I have been disappointed and regretful. I can feel all those things at the same time, even.

But mostly? I’m extremely happy that I have two beautiful, healthy children.
caramama´s last blog ..Question of the Week – Parenting Style

Brittany at Mommy Words Reply:
January 20th, 2010 at 3:16 am
Caramama you make a good point that we so easily judge ourselves too! I so get that! Thanks!
Brittany at Mommy Words´s last blog ..Introducing Violet Grace!
Mouse Said,

January 18, 2010 @ 5:43 pm

One of my great-grandmothers had picture-perfect pregnancies that ended in stillbirth in all but one case–my grandfather. It seems likely her labor would stall out and the baby would go into distress. But they didn’t have all the monitoring capabilities 100 years ago.

I seem to have inherited whatever it is that causes this and can’t imagine not birthing in a hospital. Every time I see/hear someone go on a rant about how delivery doesn’t need to be medicalized and we all just need to trust our bodies, I want to scream. My son probably would have died had I not been at a hospital, and I fully expect to have a similar experience this time.

There’s definitely something about having one of those “unusual” experiences to make one back off of “the right way” to give birth.
Cecily Said,

January 18, 2010 @ 6:13 pm

I woke up the day my daughter was born thinking I was having menstrual cramps. When I stood up, blood gushed down my legs like a horror movie. My placenta had abrupted, and was hanging on by 30%. We got to the hospital in 20 minutes, my daughter was born by emergency c-section ten minutes later. By some miracle, she managed to not suffer the most common side effects of abruption — cerebral palsey. Even though she was only 35.5 weeks along, she was fine, and never spent a minute in the NICU.

Do I have trauma from that? Yes. Not from the c-section, but from coming so close to losing my daughter, after having already lost my sons two years early when I was six months pregnant.

Toward the end of my pregnancy, I handing my doctor a piece of paper with our birth plan on it: it said, “Get baby out alive.” That was all I wanted. And by some miracle, I got it.

I am so grateful for my c-section, horrible recovery and slow healing (I had a hole for six weeks after I could put my finger in!) and all. And I wish others could see that side of it, that gratitude.

Her Bad Mother Reply:
January 19th, 2010 at 9:41 am
xoxoxoxoxo
Her Bad Mother´s last blog ..A Good Birth

megan Reply:
January 27th, 2010 at 11:58 pm
I have given birth 8 times. The first was the medicated, induced because my labor stalled, then I had 6 natural, in the hospital cildbirths. I was (and am, to a certain extent) the pusher of natural childbirth (the first medicated birth was HORRID!) and do do believe that we need to trust our bodies. But I also know when my body needs help. My 8th birth was an emergency c-section, and while I hated the idea of it, and how fast it had to happen (baby not moving, heart rate way down, no fluid and meconium aspiration), I rapidly made peace with what I always considered the dreaded c-section. I still hate that it had to happen, but I am SO, SO thankful that my baby is here and healthy, because they told me that he would not have been in another hour.
I will always marvel at ladies who truely choose a c-section for convenience or avoidance of labor, as my recover from that was the worst thing I have ever been through, physically. But I am so grateful that the possibility of getting a baby out quickly and safely exhists.
My sister has to have c-sections, she is one of those girls who would not have survived childbirth 100 years ago. She has three kids, and wants more… I admire her so much because her desire to mother is so strong, she is willing to endure what a c-section does to you in order to have more children. I really don’t know that I would go through it again, purposefully. Blessings to all of you, I have learned a thing or two here, today!
megan ´s last blog ..I’m Still Learning
Sarah Said,

January 18, 2010 @ 6:16 pm

You always say things so nicely. I completely agree. My own three were via c-section. I was so happy to have them survive until they were delivered especially my boys who subjected me to the pregnancies known as absolute hell #1 and #2. I don’t think that having a c-section was a disappointing experience in anyway. I don’t understand why people get so upset if their births don’t go according to plan. (Big shocking secret here – I have never made a birth plan) Isn’t the ultimate goal that your baby is born healthy? But that’s just my opinion. Giving birth is a scary, messy, painful experience no matter how you do it. We all deserve a medal!
Sarah´s last blog ..Confused
Kaleigh Said,

January 18, 2010 @ 6:28 pm

Someone once told me that even the worst wedding – the cake falls off the table, the minister gets the bride’s name wrong, the caterer’s food tastes awful, the groom faints, the best man makes a stupid toast, etc. – means nothing compared the marriage that follows it. I had two rotten births (I almost died in the first, and the second was a homebirth transport ending in a c-section), but I’m so lucky. I have wonderful kids who make me proud every day. They were healthy babies, and now they’re half-grown. The birth day? Doesn’t matter a whit compared to today.
Kaleigh´s last blog ..Day One revisited

Her Bad Mother Reply:
January 19th, 2010 at 9:42 am
That’s a perfect analogy. Perfect.
Her Bad Mother´s last blog ..A Good Birth
ame i. Said,

January 18, 2010 @ 6:32 pm

I didn’t chose to have a c-section with my first daughter (and don’t judge anyone who voluntarily chooses a c)but I would have gone through the experience 100 times b/c she is alive. The epidural failed during surgery, but I would go through that agony another 100 times.
My 2nd daughter was a VBAC. I didn’t realize I had enough surface area down yonder for that many stitches.
For any woman who chooses to go c-section, unassisted home birth, vag. birth without an epidural, epidural, squatting out in a forrest somewhere, I say: “Good for them and good for me.”
The important thing is the mother and child(ren) surviving the birth & living a happy, healthy life is all that matters.
Duchess Said,

January 18, 2010 @ 6:34 pm

I wish I could just copy and paste Heather’s response, I am weeks away from my second c-section in 15 months, and I take flack almost daily from women I know who think less of my birth story because I was a scheduled C-section the first time (and am not a candidate for a VBAC) but in the back of my head I think thank god my birth plan (live healthy mother, live healthy baby)worked because not so far away in the distant past I would not have survived child birth and my child would not have either.
Al_Pal Said,

January 18, 2010 @ 6:35 pm

Great post. I’m so glad we live in a place and time where and when so many babies are able to survive and thrive.
jodifur Said,

January 18, 2010 @ 6:37 pm

When I was pregnant and the dr. asked me for my birth plan I said, my birth plan is for you to keep the baby and I alive. And I ended up with an epidural and a vaginal birth after an incredibly difficult pregnancy. And it was just fine, because in the end there was a baby.

And I say the same thing about weddings. Something always goes wrong, but at the end of the day if you are married, it is just fine.
jodifur´s last blog ..Forever in Blue Jeans
Lawyer Mama Said,

January 18, 2010 @ 6:45 pm

Jasper’s birth does sound scary as hell, HBM. About as scary as my first c-section, which happened about 20 minutes after I walked onto the hospital L&D ward.

All of us go into motherhood with all these preconceived ideas of what it will be and what will happen. And it can be hard to let go of that picture perfect ideal. Sometimes I think that a lot of judgment comes from that.

After that first scary experience, anything that gets the job done works for me.
Lawyer Mama´s last blog ..Pot, Meet Kettle – I Mean Harry Reid

Her Bad Mother Reply:
January 19th, 2010 at 9:43 am
It is hard to let go of those preconceived ideas. They’re such a comfort, after all.
Her Bad Mother´s last blog ..A Good Birth
Catherine Said,

January 18, 2010 @ 6:46 pm

Hear friggin hear! oh yes. A natural, drug-free birth was incredibly, weirdly important to me when I was pregnant — *before* I had the baby. *After* I had the baby (by C-section), I didn’t care at all. If I were so lucky as to have a second baby, I will have the same birth plan as a previous commenter: “Get the baby out alive.” Nothing else matters. I put birthing strategies down to “shit that matters a great deal before you have any perspective.” To me, that is. Before I was a mom, I didn’t really know what would matter. Now, having spent the afternoon playing crocodiles with my lovable, goofy 5-year-old, I know that he could have been pulled out by pulleys attached to a wagon train, and I wouldn’t care. As long as he was all right, and I was all right, to hold him close as long as I can.
Catherine´s last blog ..Independence, inter-dependence

all things BD Reply:
January 18th, 2010 at 10:57 pm
“shit that matters a great deal before you have any perspective.”

Genius. Someone needs to write a book/start a blog with that very topic.
all things BD´s last blog ..16/365 No Pics Today
Issa Said,

January 18, 2010 @ 7:11 pm

My birth plan with all of mine included yes on the c-section option if needed. Basically, I just wanted to make sure I got to take home a baby in the end. No c-sections…although I’ve had the 2 hour labor, no meds, almost delivered in the hallway baby and yeah, I wouldn’t wish that on anyone. Scared the ever loving shit out of me.

Without c-sections, I wouldn’t be alive. My mom and I would have died. Nothing else matters in my head except that. Without the invention of c-sections, I would not be alive. The end.
Issa´s last blog ..Monday random: things I don’t understand
RookieMom Whitney Said,

January 18, 2010 @ 7:35 pm

You said it.
RookieMom Whitney´s last blog ..Join a museum with a friend
coffeewithjulie Said,

January 18, 2010 @ 7:50 pm

I’ve been following this storyline. Your post is such a well-articulated expression of what I WISH I could have articulated!

I was in a similar situation to you, but with a very different doctor — he was the one who advised that I have a c-section due to my son’s size. I was so scared to have the surgery (had a vaginal for 1st baby), but in the end all I focused on was the healthy baby at the end. I did get the healthy baby and I am so thankful to have had this luxury.
Tara Said,

January 18, 2010 @ 7:57 pm

Kudos, Catherine for adding to the “rich narrative of motherhood” with your birth story and for insisting that there’s room for everyone. For every woman who gives birth, there is indeed room for her unique experience and story. Best wishes to Jasper and to you and your family.
Another Suburban Mom Said,

January 18, 2010 @ 7:58 pm

I hate to judge, but I hope you SUED the pants off of the doctor for your trauma, mental distress and the frankenvulva.

2nd of all, I hate the way women can get mean towards each other about pregnancy, delivery and nursing.

Its feels like to some people that if you don’t hugely suffer it does not count.

I had two reasonably sized kids at different times (7.6 & 8.2) naturally. That was not my choice, by the time I got to the “Hey, its drug time” it was too late. Believe me, if they could have unleashed the whole damn medicine cabinet into my woo woo, I would have been a happy camper.

I also hate when people act like the C-section people don’t suffer. Dude, they are cutting into your abdomen for christ’s sake. You don’t realize how much you use those muscles until someone slices into one.

Also, I hope that all of the ladies know that when you become a mommy, no matter how, you are entitled to a little present. Nothing huge, maybe a nice pair of earrings of something a little sparkly to celebrate.
Another Suburban Mom´s last blog ..And the Winner Is….

Lisa Reply:
January 18th, 2010 at 9:21 pm
Sue the doctor? She wasn’t drunk or impaired. She followed sound medical guidelines and she used her best judgment which is all we can ask from our care providers. There are no guarantees. C-sections can have their own complications.

Annie @ PhD in Parenting Reply:
January 19th, 2010 at 12:41 am
Sue the doctor? Really? Now I understand why healthcare is so expensive in the United States. All that extra insurance doctors need to carry so that their legal expenses will be covered if they get sued over something like that. I don’t want to diminish what Catherine went through, but if the doctor was acting in good faith based on the best medical evidence available, suing really isn’t the best approach.
Annie @ PhD in Parenting´s last blog ..The Big Fight

Another Suburban Mom Reply:
January 19th, 2010 at 7:52 am
Based on Catherine’s description the doctor did not listen to the patient and seemed to completely ignore her concerns and belittle her opinion.

This not listening caused her to have an experience that nearly killed her, deformed her woo-woo and left her traumatized.
Another Suburban Mom´s last blog ..Redecorating and Randomness

Her Bad Mother Reply:
January 19th, 2010 at 9:48 am
I wasn’t angry with her for not doing the c-section – I respect that she wanted to hold a line against doing one unless/until it became absolutely medically necessary.

The hospital’s policy (Women’s College in Toronto) is to consider c-sections after the baby hits a certain measurement – we were, just before the weekend Jasper was born, *right* at that measurement, so it was a toss-up. She wanted to protect me from having a c-section I might regret; I had a strong intuition that the birth was going to be a hard one. That my intuition didn’t win out over her ethical sense is not grounds for suing, I don’t think, and I still respect her for wanting the least-invasive experience possible for me. And in any case, I wasn’t upset with her. All’s well that ends well.
Her Bad Mother´s last blog ..A Good Birth
Kim @ Beautiful Wreck Said,

January 18, 2010 @ 8:02 pm

Excellent post, much better than my tongue in cheek one about having a tight vagina, which essentially ended with the same point. A baby in the end.

I was someone who judged other women for having cesarean sections. That was never going to be me. I was not going to do XY and Z that would land me in an OR. I wasn’t going to let some doctor coerce me or trick me into getting a csection. No not me!

I’ve had four cesarean sections. All the planning and preparation for a natural vaginal Bradley styled birth went completely out of the window when I had an emergency c-section with my first child. My very necessary cesarean section that gave me a very healthy baby in the end due to a uterine anomaly. No babies were ever going to come out of my vagina. Period. I was humbled and grateful. As we all should be when that little person is here.
SaltwaterMom Said,

January 18, 2010 @ 8:21 pm

I attended a prenatal class last Thursday and was happily absorbing all the info (ie: did you know a newborn’s stomach is the size of a chick pea? By 4 days it is the size of a cherry!) until the public health nurse quip:

“But hopefully everybody here will have no problems and nobody will have to have a c-section.”

It happened so fast I wasn’t sure I heard her correctly until my partner and I were talking about it on the way home. It makes me SO ANGRY when people dismiss C-sections as ’second-class’ or ‘easy’ births, or worse. I’ve got 12 weeks to my due date, and all I want out of it is a healthy Baby, come hell or high water.

Lisa Reply:
January 18th, 2010 at 9:23 pm
See, you are reading into it. She didn’t call it “easy” or “second-class.” A c-section means something went wrong. Why would you HOPE for a c-section? While there is nothing wrong if you have to have one, it would be crazy to hope that you have a medical condition that requires it.

Amy Reply:
January 18th, 2010 at 11:26 pm
I think she meant to say she hopes no one has to undergo major abdominal surgery because of a medical emergency. Lisa is right–c-sections are for when there is a medical reason your baby can’t get out the way your body is made to. Everything about your body is specifically designed to make a baby and get it out on its own. That doesn’t mean things always work perfectly, though, and that’s why we have an emergency procedure available to us.

Beth Reply:
January 19th, 2010 at 1:41 am
Ahh, that happened at our pre-natal class, too. One where we were more than 90% sure that I was going to be having a c-section because my body was not cooperating.

I honestly thought my husband was going to deck the woman. Fortunately, it was an old building and I started having an asthma attack, so he just took me home.
Beth´s last blog ..Katie is Cleared for Landing
Jennie Said,

January 18, 2010 @ 8:36 pm

Thank you so much for this thoughtful post. I really appreciate it. I spent a lot of time mourning the “lost birth experience” as I had two c-sections with my sons. Your perspective helps me appreciate what I gained, instead of what I thought I lost. – Jennie
Cait Said,

January 18, 2010 @ 9:05 pm

I gave my child up for adoption when I was 16. I have never tried to hide that or been ashamed of the choice I made. I have however had people try to negate my experience because of that choice. I appreciate that you include adoptive mothers in your sentiment because I know the woman who is now the mother to my son is a remarkable woman and amazing mother who is no less a mother because she didn’t birth him, and I am no less a mother because I didn’t raise him.

Her Bad Mother Reply:
January 19th, 2010 at 9:49 am
You ARE no less a mother, and SHE is no less a mother, and we are all lucky – children are lucky – that there ARE mothers like you both out there.
Her Bad Mother´s last blog ..A Good Birth
Assertagirl Said,

January 18, 2010 @ 10:01 pm

You know, after 2 hours of pushing, when the doctor suggested I may need a c-section, I was exhausted enough to say, “Just get him OUT,” and would have been quite happy to be wheeled down the hall to the OR. I didn’t care how he got here, I just wanted him safe in our arms.

So interesting now, reading posts like these now that I have a birth experience of my own under my belt.
Assertagirl´s last blog ..A big day for Nate (and for me).

Her Bad Mother Reply:
January 19th, 2010 at 9:49 am
Changes everything, doesn’t it
Tanis Miller, RNM Said,

January 18, 2010 @ 10:05 pm

This whole debate was silly and pointless and quite frankly, a waste of energy.

Regardless of whether your nethers are shredded, your stomach is sliced, the story is yours. The BIRTH is YOURS.

It shouldn`t make a lick of difference whether or not someone had a different story because they didn`t have YOUR story.

The only thing that is important is having that baby to love and cherish after giving birth.

Some mothers aren`t so lucky.

And some babies aren`t so lucky to have mothers to love after they are born and their momma dies.

We are ALL lucky bitches if we don`t fall into either category.
Tanis Miller, RNM´s last blog ..First Base
Adventures In Babywearing Said,

January 18, 2010 @ 10:16 pm

I’ve had four very different birth experiences and they were all good. With each one I tweaked my wishes for the next time, because isn’t that what we always do with most things in life? Hindsight and such?And so in the end, at my last birth I did get what was in my
opinion a dream home birth. Everything went as it should. But we prepared in case it didn’t. You just can’t predict those things. (Highlighted at the bottom of my very natural birth plan was my declaration that I have the right to change my mind at any time. Because until you get there, in the thick of it, plans can get thrown out the window.)

My births are personal to me, so there really isn’t any comparing with another Mom- she’s not me.
Carter was supposed to be “about a 7 pounder” & came early at 9lbs 12oz. I was fine, didn’t need a stitch, but he broke his collar bone.
Of course we could tell these stories until the end of time!

I’m glad when the audience for any story we have to tell is open and willing to hear, without little jabs at their heart, condemnation of their own story, or judgment, or ridicule of the story teller.

Steph

Steph
Adventures In Babywearing´s last blog ..Everything that happens is from now on.
Heather B. Said,

January 18, 2010 @ 10:16 pm

Odd reading this immediately after watching The Business of Being Born (uh, it was on Netflix and I was all eh, whatever). Anyway, this is another one of those women vs. women things that I will never understand. I ask this anytime something that inevitably pits women against each other comes up but why would the way you choose to give birth matter to me? Of course we should all be informed and interested if we so choose to have children but that’s where, I believe, it should end. When you made that ‘frankenvulva’ comment the other day, I smirked but then many took it so seriously. Why? Is it just in a woman’s nature to be competitive? Is birth akin to a sporting event? Really, why does it matter?

And full disclosure: I have this awareness in birth only because my mother was on the New York State Board of Midwifery. But still, I find it annoying and a bit ignorant for one woman to judge another woman for the way she gives birth. Something that is and should be an intensely personal experience.

So, ok then! The end.
Mr Lady Said,

January 18, 2010 @ 10:19 pm

I have three kids. How I managed to get those three kids is A) no one’s business and B) irrelevant to the discussion. I’m just as screwed as the next mom.

Fab post, C
Mr Lady´s last blog ..The War of the Roses
Miss Grace Said,

January 19, 2010 @ 12:46 am

I have precipitous labor. But I thought of it as blessedly quick, with a baby less than an hour after my arrival at the hospital, despite the no midwife in site (yes, at the time scary, and I have some strange made-in-the-moment stretch marks). Although, I never thought our lives were in danger, and it wasn’t particularly horrifying. I just wanted ANYONE to believe me when I said I was having my baby NOW (what I got was a lot of eye rolling and ‘first time moms always think that’ that ended up with me having my child in the bathroom down the hall with only his father in the room, so yes, as I said, at the time scary).
Anyhow, yes. Everyone’s experience is different, and now I don’t quite remember where I was going with this. Le sigh.
Miss Grace´s last blog ..Save to Draft

Her Bad Mother Reply:
January 19th, 2010 at 9:53 am
Another example of how seemingly similar experiences can be so different – I had an intuition of trouble, and sure enough: cord around baby’s neck, hemorraeghing, badness all around. We would have been in trouble at home.

But if everything had been safe, if there’d been no trouble with baby, if I hadn’t torn so badly… it would have been very different. We can never know.

Le sigh indeed.
Her Bad Mother´s last blog ..A Good Birth

Miss Grace Reply:
January 19th, 2010 at 10:56 am
Yes that’s the point I think. Even if on paper experiences seem similar, they can be so different for the people involved. I felt like the hospital was torturing me for my speedy birth (health baby and mother not discharged for 5 days because they had to ‘monitor’ us-we hadn’t been monitored during actual birth after all), and left with the decision made that I was having my next baby at home on purpose, because at least it’s be more likely that I had a midwife there.
Obviously, your experience was very different, although I imagine that would be hard to determine by our medical charts.

Have I mentioned that I love this post? Because I do. You have such a clear way of writing about things.
Miss Grace´s last blog ..

Miss Grace Reply:
January 19th, 2010 at 10:57 am
‘health’ should read ‘healthy’
Miss Grace´s last blog ..
Beth Said,

January 19, 2010 @ 1:47 am

What a great post and what wonderful responses! I’m so glad you’re getting such great support for the post.

I’ve had two c-sections. Both necessary. The second of which had complications that nearly killed me. I just have a bum arm and no feeling below my belly button to the hip bone, and a scar that has guaranteed my bikini days are behind me. And your experience has made me eternally grateful for those things.
Beth´s last blog ..Katie is Cleared for Landing
Melissa Said,

January 19, 2010 @ 2:30 am

I remember being fascinated by your birth story with Jasper because it was so similar, yet so different from my experience giving birth to my son. Like you, I had a precipitate labor and delivered a 9+ pound baby. Unlike you, I didn’t make it to the hospital in time, so I gave birth at home with no birth attendant except my husband. I thought it was interesting that we took such different things from our similar experiences. What you found traumatic, I found thrilling and empowering.

It’s easy for me to say it was empowering because nothing bad happened to me or my baby. But the reason I gave birth to him at home is that I was terrified of going to the hospital. I don’t begrudge anyone giving birth the way they want to, but I do resent that most U.S. hospitals are set up for only one kind of birth. I wanted medical attendants nearby in case of emergency, but otherwise I wanted to be left alone to labor and give birth in a way I was most comfortable with, and that’s just not possible in a hospital.

Her Bad Mother Reply:
January 19th, 2010 at 9:57 am
I found mine traumatic because there *was* trauma involved – it wasn’t just the speed at which everything was happening, it was the intution that things were going to go badly, which they did: the cord was around jasper’s neck, and there was massive bleeding, such that if I’d not received immediate medical attention, the loss of blood would have been life-threatening.

but as I said above – it *could* have been different. My doctor was banking on me being able to do the birth without damage. So hard to know how these things will go. We only know what we know after the fact, and even then…
Her Bad Mother´s last blog ..A Good Birth

Melissa Reply:
January 19th, 2010 at 7:47 pm
Just wanted to clarify that I didn’t mean to imply that you were overreacting. There was definitely trauma involved, although for some reason I had glossed over the scarier details and just remembered the speed. (And the Frankenvulva, because I had my own issues in that area with my first birth.)
apprenticemom Said,

January 19, 2010 @ 2:31 am

You are right that what matters is that the baby and you are OK at the end of it. I had two unmedicated hospital births, the first involved three and a half hours of PUSHING. No, I am not joking. And no, they would not give me a C-section, which of course after 2 hours I was asking for. Anyway.

Number 2? During the ultrasound the tech comments, “hmmm, the baby has a large head” Great. Just what we all want to hear. Fast forward to 5 days before my due date when I didn’t think I was in labour, but went to the hospital because I was feeling a bit off…had the baby, oh about an hour later, after 11 minutes of pushing. You just never know how things will go even if you have been there before.
Teresa Said,

January 19, 2010 @ 7:10 am

Medical personnel who impose their own agenda over the patient’s (in any situation) are a disservice to the medical community.

I wanted an unmedicated midwife-attended home birth. I got a hospital birth that resulted in IV’s, pitocin, an epidural, and eventual c-section. Then it resulted in watching my healthy, happy baby being carried out of the operating room while I detoxed from the all the meds.

It was everything I wanted to avoid. It was horribly traumatic, considering that I had done my homework with the hospital, made my preferences known to my doctor, and then just got stuck with an impatient nurse who wanted to make sure my son was born before her shift ended for nobody’s benefit but her own. She got to see a beautiful, healthy baby boy. I went nuts, and it took over a year for me to finally pull out of the postpartem depression.

Her Bad Mother Reply:
January 19th, 2010 at 9:59 am
That’s another issue that we ignore at our peril – how certain birth experiences *can* contribute to PPD (in my case, PTSD was a contributing factor in the intensity of my PPD.)
Her Bad Mother´s last blog ..A Good Birth
Daffodil Campbell Said,

January 19, 2010 @ 8:00 am

I am still in the process of “getting over” my birth experience. It was not what I wanted, and I felt powerless and angry for a long time. It took away some of my joy at giving birth to a beautiful baby. However, he thrived, survived surgery, and is now a wonderful 9 year old. But still…..and yet. I felt like I had missed out on an empowering rite of passage. My entire conception, pregnancy and delivery were manufactured by drugs and doctors and scalpels. I had always hoped that when I had a second child, I would have a “good birth” of some sort. Instead, I had a hysterectomy.

I have been able to appreciate someone else’s “good birth” – meaning, a birth that ended up being something the mother can look upon with a mixture of relief, pride and joy. I felt none of that – it was buried in resentment and regret. I am almost to the point, all these years later, that I can let it go for good, and move on.

And so, the healing continues…..
Daffodil Campbell´s last blog ..World Traveler Part 4:In which we arrive relatively unscathed

Her Bad Mother Reply:
January 19th, 2010 at 10:00 am
I can understand how that would be hard on the heart. It’s such a powerful experience, however it goes – and as I’ve said, so deeply personal – our feelings around it necessarily reach deep.
Her Bad Mother´s last blog ..A Good Birth
Teresa Said,

January 19, 2010 @ 8:14 am

Another note: like with breastfeeding, the people who push natural birth have good intentions, if not tact.

C-sections are major surgeries that damage the body (not just the tummy scar, but the underlying muscle tissue and the uterus), and they can cause complications in future pregnancies. The “too posh to push” movement makes light of a very serious decision.

But in the early- to mid-1900’s there was a movement on the part of the medical community (at the time, still largely uneducated about women’s health) to hospitalize births: to make them safer, to speed them up, to make the experience itself as painless as possible. The methods that have been developed for the latter two create a greater need for c-section interventions in order to remain safe.

Ideally, doctors educate expectant mothers without bias, and nurses are informed and supportive of whatever decision is made by the mother and her doctor. Unfortunately, that is not always the case, and that is why there is a vocal minority pushing aggressively for natural birth.

Many of the notable proponents are part of the radicalized Feminist movement, and I think that’s the issue that’s really being discussed with all of this: now that the radical movement has made its impact and women’s lib is turning into women’s equality, does Feminism need to be a polarizing term? Can you be a feminist even if you choose not to work? Not to have a natural birth? Not to breastfeed? Isn’t choice the ultimate form of female empowerment?

The medical community as a whole does not embrace homebirths. It does not embrace homeopathic remedies. It is only because of radical campaigns that have become mainstream that Wellness is becoming a topic of discussion among Western doctors. It’s easy for activists to feel discouraged in their struggle to create options when women casually embrace medical interventions and glibly dismiss natural birth (hence the hostility toward elective c-sections).

Regardless of our own choices, we need to create support for all safe options, so that they are available to women when they want/need them.
Jenny Said,

January 19, 2010 @ 10:22 am

Thanks for yet another wonderful post. My best friend gave birth to her first child this weekend, and watching her go through the whole experience helped me so much. I always told myself that it didn’t matter as long as I had a healthy baby, but until this weekend, I didn’t believe it.
Jenny´s last blog ..Birfday Wrapup
Karen Said,

January 19, 2010 @ 10:25 am

Here is my thing: what happens to the baby matters. what happens to the mother matters – and you just don’t know how people are experiencing it, no matter how it sounds. We all say, the only thing that matters is a healthy baby, but in reality, we are allowed to have more than one thing matter to us, right? Isn’t real life more accurately represented by tons of priorities all shifting in and out of focus – sometimes one being given precedence and sometimes another? It all matters.

In my work as a doula, my gig is that women should have safe, supported birth. I believe wholeheartedly that we should all have it – even though unforeseen things happen – that we don’t all get safety and support sucks. I also believe that all kinds of birth can be safe and supported not just “natural” or whatever people are calling vaginal birth these days.

The other bit – and obviously three paragraphs into commenting, I need my own blog post – is that we all heal differently, because our make up is different. Some women are completely traumatized by something that others of us would not have bat an eyelash at! Fairly often, I find myself coaching women to feel okay they got the epidural instead of feeling like a failure. Other women would have raised their hand for the epidural and never looked back and reproached themselves. We have to stop warring on each other. It’s okay you would have preferred a c-section & would have done anything to possibly prevent the type of traumatic birth you did have. And it’s okay that someone else had surgical birth and thinks she’d do anything not to go through that again. It’s really okay both ways.

Everything is complicated. It’s life. We have to get comfortable being uncomfortable.
Karen´s last blog ..But Jesus is in Your Heart!!! and Other Words of Comfort

Her Bad Mother Reply:
January 19th, 2010 at 10:38 am
I think that you’re totally right – many things matter (although I don’t think that I said that the baby is the *only* thing that matters – just that end (baby) mattered *more* than the means (delivery) – which I think it does).

And, yes, how we heal – physically and emotionally – matters, because our own health is so important (for ourselves and for the baby). But that’s part of what makes these experiences so personal – we all heal differently, we all experience differently.

‘We have to get comfortable being uncomfortable’ is exactly the right thing to say here. Birth and babies are awesome, wonderful UNCOMFORTABLE experiences – and our differences in those can exascerbate the discomfort. But the discomfort is what keeps it rich and interesting.

Or something
Her Bad Mother´s last blog ..A Good Birth
Darcey Said,

January 19, 2010 @ 10:33 am

Hey Catherine – I rarely comment here, but this post really resonated with me. I’m not a mother (at least not at this point in my life), but my own mother nearly died having my younger sister, about 20 years ago.

My sister was born “sunny-side up” after 26 hours of labor after inducing, a mostly healthy child (slightly jaundiced with a bit of a cone-head where she’d been resting against my mother’s pelvis), and absolutely beautiful. When they went to birth the placenta, however, it had breached the uterine wall, and my mom started to bleed out. They rushed her into an emergency hysterectomy, and after several hours of surgery and nearly 40 pints of blood (yes, she was bleeding out faster than they could replace it), she emerged, worse for the wear. Since then, she has always felt a little less than a woman – missing an essential part of her anatomy that brings her the feminine “power”. (Also consider this was 1990, before there was a lot of AIDS screening for blood donors, so she dealt with that fear for a LONG time.)

Anywho… as I was 10 at the time, and have grown up knowing that childbirth is an awesome (and scary) and amazing thing. No matter how the child is born. As long as baby and mama are both healthy, that’s all that matters.
Darcey´s last blog ..Insert Foot

Her Bad Mother Reply:
January 19th, 2010 at 1:19 pm
Experiences like these are exactly why we need to remember how lucky we are to live in a society/culture where mothers’ and babies’ lives do get saved – and that so many women still live in conditions where this is not the norm.

Thanks for sharing your/your mom’s story
Corina Said,

January 19, 2010 @ 10:37 am

Thank you, thank you, thank you. I have often felt like I was looked down upon by others for having two c-sections and the fact that it was my choice to have the second one.

Here are the facts. My first baby was 9lbs. 8 oz. I went through 15 hrs of labor with pitocin MAXED out only to make it to 3 cm and need to have her by cesarean. I was EXHAUSTED, my recovery long and hard. The PPD was HORRIBLE, close to being one of the extreme cases. While I know that my history predetermined the PPD, I am convinced had things gone smoother and I wasn’t so exhausted, recovery so slow.

I wanted to try for VBAC with my second, but at 33 weeks when he already measured at 7 lbs 10 oz, I quickly changed my mind. I could NOT see myself doing that again. Trying, failing, and ending up just as exhausted, just as depressed. I never wanted that again. I was going to have kids now that needed me, and less of a support system than I had with my first. I chose what my KIDS needed me to choose. I chose the c-section. And while I still had PPD, it was MUCH less severe than with my first and my recovery was much quicker.

Things are not always black and white. Mothers are mothers regardless of method of birth. The choices we make, the love we give makes us mothers. My choice was to give myself for my kids regardless of how I birthed them. You are right. It is time to stop the judgments and simply let women be who they are and share their stories.
Corina´s last blog ..Holding their Hand…..
momtrolfreak Said,

January 19, 2010 @ 10:52 am

thank you for this. I thought the mominatrix’s comments were funny, even though I had a (rather horrific, anesthesia-free) c-section. As scary and painful and unplanned and did I mention scary and I-thought-I-was-going-to-die-and-so-did-my-husband, and I felt every single cut of the scalpel and felt them scraping me out and felt them putting everything back in and only THEN did someone figure out that to get me to stop screaming and begging to pass out that maybe they should put me all the way under because HELLO YOU DUMBASSES THE ANESTHESIA IS NOT WORKING, even after all that, I would still take that over anything else because THAT is how I got my son, and I would not do anything differently, because he is perfect and he was healthy and fine and HUGE (hence the c-section–we have big babies in my family, he was 9lbs 12ounces, and I am not a big lady), even after all that, I would still take that INSTEAD OF the natural birth my friend had that resulted in 6 inches of stiches and years of “issues” “down there.” If naything, I compare myself to other women and diminish my own experience, because I was totally going to TRY to have a natural birth (or at least, a vaginal birth) and it all went to hell in a handbasket, but if you’re going to have 4 inches of scar tissue and pain somewhere on your body and you have a choice between abdomen and lady parts, I’m not choosing lady parts. All mothers are amazing. All mothers are wonderful. Mothers are mothers and are the most important people on the planet because they love unconditionally, they sacrifice without blinking an eye, they are “home” to every human being on this planet. That is true no matter what kind of birth they had, or if they had no birth at all. All of that is just detail. It’s about the baby. If I want a vanilla milkshake (my favorite food), I don’t really care if I make it myself at home, walk into a restaurant and have table service, or go to the drive thru: in the end, I’m still drinking a vanilla milkshake, and it is delicious and cold and has a cherry on top and some whipped cream and sometimes–the best times–a tiny cookie on the straw, and that’s all that matters.

Her Bad Mother Reply:
January 19th, 2010 at 1:21 pm
Oh, my god, your STORY.

I barely made it through amniocentesis, and was terrified at the idea of c-section (until I began to feel that it might be a saving thing). UNANESTHETIZED c-section? makes my unanesthetized vulva reconstruction look like a walk in the park.

(Also, cookies? on straws? WANT)

Kami Reply:
January 20th, 2010 at 3:16 pm
Momtrolfreak, I have been wondering what the details were on your birth story since you first mentioned it to me in passing at some point awhile ago. Jeez Louise, Dude. I can’t even imagine. I think about that book The Good Earth alot. She gave birth in the middle of a rice paddy. While harvesting. She just squatted and had a baby. You would have died in that scenario. I would have died in that scenario. I guess traumatic births/c-sections/severe tearing etc don’t help at all with global population control but do allow those of us who encounter complications in the birth process to live to see our children grow up.
Birthdays « Ranting and Raving Said,

January 19, 2010 @ 10:56 am

[...] http://herbadmother.com/2010/01/a-good-birth/ [...]
Jo Said,

January 19, 2010 @ 11:41 am

Here’s the thing; you KNEW you needed a c-section. And in my opinion you should’ve HAD that c-section simply because you KNEW you needed it. You were obviously right.

In my opinion, that’s what’s missing in American healthcare…listening to the mother. We’re built to know what’s best for not only our babies but OURSELVES and I think in most situations our desires should be granted.
Jo´s last blog ..Are you gonna eat that?
Nikita (@RantingRaving) Said,

January 19, 2010 @ 11:44 am

Thank you so much for this, your timing couldn’t have been better…

I’m over 39wks pregnant and a month ago they estimated my “little” baby boy to be 8 pounds so now we’re waiting to hear if this baby will be born when he’s ready or if we’ll be doing induction or c-section. I really needed your post this week.

Again, thank you.

As an addition to the list of birth experiences people tend to unintentionally belittle or forget about; miscarriage. It can range from cramping and spotting to full on labour but no one ever seems to talk about it and people often forget that these women are moms too. Moms who lost their babies. Moms who had likely already been dreaming of the futures their baby would have. I miscarried my 14 week old baby after 8 hrs of labour, half of which involved contractions 2min apart or less. Trauma? check. Loss? check. Therapy? check.

We need to be sensitive to all experiences, to ask questions, to be careful that our comments aren’t judgmental. We may never understand what another woman went through or why she made certain choices but we can at least listen and support her.
Nikita (@RantingRaving)´s last blog ..Birthdays

Crunchy Reply:
January 20th, 2010 at 2:35 pm
8 pounds isn’t big! Mine were all over 9! and two were pushed out the ‘right’ way…won’t talk about all THOSE stitches!

And yeah…when I lost my son at 26 weeks….nobody clued in that I had to DELIVER him. Induced with HARD labour. Even the stupid nurses kept forgetting.

Sensitivity is the key. Being in other peoples shoes is the key. Getting that we are all different is the key.
Sierra Black Said,

January 19, 2010 @ 2:45 pm

THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR WRITING THIS.

I had two large babies, with ‘natural’ births. The first the second didn’t even rough me up enough to need a band-aid, so I don’t exactly feel your pain.

But. BUT. I totally get how hard these things are to talk about, and how much social pressure there is on women to have – or want – a certain kind of birth experience. My thoughts on this are running way too long for a comment, so I’m going to post about it over on ChildWild.
Sierra Black´s last blog ..Civil Rights Through the Eyes of a Five-Year-Old
Tiffanie Said,

January 19, 2010 @ 2:51 pm

I loved reading this! I was in labor for 19 hours & ended up in a c-section with my son. Planned on a natural delivery with my daughter but since my husband was deployed I wasn’t sure how well that would go over…I ended up with a planned c-section because I was so stressed about everything & my emotions were insane! Although it may have not been what I ever thought a “perfect delivery” could be…it was perfect for us! My husband was able to be on the phone with me the entire surgery & we heard her first cries together. If I would have had a natural delivery there was no way I would have talked to him, nor would he have been able to hear her first cries…he was on a convoy & since I had a set time & date he was able to call 15 minutes before & stay on the phone with me…it was absolutely unforgettable!!!
Tiffanie´s last blog ..Before & After
Cristin Said,

January 19, 2010 @ 8:30 pm

Beautiful. Well said.
And oh my goodness, I cannot imagine the horror!
Cristin´s last blog ..The Armpit Vagine
Cristin Said,

January 19, 2010 @ 8:31 pm

That’s really cute how my latest blog entry is listed. I have never seen that. Haha.
heaterm Said,

January 19, 2010 @ 10:59 pm

Once again, beautifully put! As a fairly new parent, I am also learning that this can be true too about parenting choices. Whether its breastfeeding or co-sleeping, or spanking…every parent has to make daily choices that no one else sees, knows about, or really understands. We have shared experiences as parents, but for God’s sake, its not as if there is a manual for this stuff! I’m learning to be less judgemental of other parents as well, for their choices are their choice, not mine.
Brittany at Mommy Words Said,

January 20, 2010 @ 1:05 am

Oh man I just spent 20 minutes tyoing out a very well thought put comment while breastfeeding Violet, who was born today, and then she moved and I shut the page by accident. I will have to re-learn breastfeeding and typing eh?

Anyway, I was able to avoid a c-section today because they were able to flip her this morning (she has been frank breech the whole pregnancy) but man I got jusgement from everywhere. I had to agree to be prepared for the c-section and so I had an epidural when I got to the hospital and I did all this today, at 38 weeks.

I had low fluid and this is the plan my OB thought was best for the baby’s health and mine. I delivered my first 2 babies VERY quickly and painfully and she was worried that I would go into breech labor on my own.

So, people judged my decision to get an epidural. Some judged my acceptance of an early delivery and said I should not allow my OB to induce labor. Some said I should have just gone ahead with the c-section and that would be the best for the baby. Everyone had an opinion.

My husband was again incredulous at the open judgement that moms heap on each other and it helped so much for him to say – who cares…you are a great mom who cares about your babies health and you made your choices with the help of your OB. They can back off. I kissed him. He is right – but more than back off – we should try to listen and support and get along.

Healthy babies are really important – how they get here is much less so.

Great post Catherine. I now must collapse in exhaustion from a very painful and quick labor once the epidural wore off (I let it go off after she successfully flipped). The plan worked oh judgy ones – healthy baby. Healthy mommy!

You win, btw, for labor drama. Not that it i a contest but Holy moly! I hurt (more) just thinking about it and I’m so glad for the big pack of ice they gave me for my yaya and the 800 mg Ibuprofren. I can’t even imagine what you went through!
Brittany at Mommy Words´s last blog ..Introducing Violet Grace!

Tacomamama Reply:
January 20th, 2010 at 2:59 pm
Wow, congratulations on your healthy baby girl! Sounds like you listened to your gut and your health care provider, and that was the right thing for you to do. Now, go get some rest!
Missy Said,

January 20, 2010 @ 3:58 am

I love your blog and have read it for a very long time. I don’t post much. I use to blog but had to give it up due to my husband’s job and privacy issues.

I try to never judge moms’ birth decisions, mainly because I know things can go very differently from what we plan or want. With my first I planned a beautiful unmedicated home birth with a team of women warriors (and the hubby). What I got was 10 hours of back labor (without meds) and then placental abruption and a C-section without an epidural. Yes, you read that right. They just tie your arms down and cut you open.

So, yeah, a C-section – piece of cake! LOL!

Sending xo from California to one of my all-time favorite writers.
Lady M Said,

January 20, 2010 @ 4:44 am

So wonderfully written, Catherine. I got the BABY out of the experience, and that’s what matters.
Lady M´s last blog ..No Lack of Movie Tie-Ins
pam Said,

January 20, 2010 @ 10:38 am

Been there, done that, sistah.

Baby #1 was 10 pounds. Putting humpty dumpty back together was like trying to stitch up hamburger. I know for frankenvulva.

Baby #2 was 9.5 pounds. Episiotomy to the south, random tear to the east, of all things.

Wouldn’t trade it for the world.
Colleen Said,

January 20, 2010 @ 1:49 pm

Ah! What a very eloquently written post.

I actually get to come at this from the other side– I SHOULD have been born via C-Section. I was 11.4 pounds. The Doctors at the time (28 years ago) had my mom push and try to do things naturally… then, as my head poked out, they realized I was turning blue. They thought it was because of the nuchal cord (cord around my neck), so they cut it… whoops, it wasn’t that. Turns out I had aspirated the muconium in the birth canal and collapsed my lung. SO, my shoulders were so big at this point that I was stuck. Not breathing, and no umbilical cord to give me oxygen. It then shifted into crazy-mode and they had to literally rip me out of my mother’s birth canal. They basically destroyed her nether-regions, and they ripped the brachial nerve plexus in my right shoulder. They were able to re-inflate my lung, but I had several bouts of pneumonia as a child. And, luckily, infants have the ability to regrow some nerves, so I got back a lot of my range of motion- but not all. There are quite a few things I am not able to do, mostly gym-related. If the doctors had given my mother a C-section, I might have a viable right shoulder, and she may not have had to have had multiple reconstructive surgeries.

Large babies run in the family. My mom was tested multiple times for gestational diabetes, all negative. She was 11.2 pounds, and natural and fine, thank goodness. Her mother, my grandmother, was 11.6 pounds- natural, and fine- BUT the 9th child so perhaps the others did some stretching for her

I am a medcial professional and understand all risks of natural, aided, and c-section births. I WILL be finding a physician who will give me a c-section when I do get pregnant- because I don’t want to go through all that my mom did worrying that she hurt me! I rarely tell people my plan, because people think it’s “wrong” to schedule… but I believe it’s right for me, and hey, do what’s right for you!
Zak Said,

January 20, 2010 @ 2:39 pm

Amen.
Andrea from Big Blue Momma Said,

January 20, 2010 @ 2:40 pm

I had two c-sections, one was unplanned and the other was kinda sorta planned. With my son, I begged to be induced. I couldn’t breathe, had headaches, swelling to the gills, so my OB took pity on me. I ended up with a two day induction and a kid that was turned sideways and wouldn’t cooperate when turned with the forceps. As I was pushing my BP started to skyrocket (like 180/120 and higher). Rushed in for a c-section with a nurse that made sure I didn’t feel a thing. I can barely remember seeing him being held over the curtain. The next morning, I was diagnosed with HELLP Syndrome and put on strict bed rest with padded rails. I couldn’t be left alone. Someone had to be in the room with me at all times. I had so many meds pumped in me to fix all the things going wrong in body that breastfeeding wasn’t even an option. I was in the hospital for a week.

None of that experience factored in my mind when we decided to have baby #2. My second pregnancy made my first seem like a cakewalk. I had a planned c-section, but ended up having the baby 3 weeks earlier due to more issues. This c-section was different, but still memorable none the less.

The important thing is that they are both here, no matter how they came in the world.
Kristen Said,

January 20, 2010 @ 2:42 pm

I think you illustrate very well how *deeply* profound and personal a woman’s birth experiences are, and even how jokes about various birth experiences can be (unintentionally) insensitive. As a doula, I’ve attended two precipitous births, and each woman experienced her birth radically differently: one was elated that her birth went by so quickly and without any complications, while the other was utterly traumatized by the speed of her labor, *even though* there were no complications for either her or her baby. One would have loved a joke about “the ease of a fast labor,” and the other would have been deeply hurt by it (and actually expressed to me that she *had* been hurt by those jokes and didn’t know how to express herself to those presumably well-meaning people).

I’ve also been with moms who have felt violated by their cesarean sections and those who were quite pleased with their c-section experience(s). Some might bristle at a joke about their “tighter vaginas” or their “easy birth” and others might give up a “high five” for the joke(s).

Birth is intimate and personal and can be the most empowering or the most traumatic experience of a woman’s life, but it is *her* experience to judge and process and celebrate and mourn. I think you point this out wisely here.

At the end of the day, I hope that all birth advocates ultimately push for these: for healthy moms and healthy babies, for care providers who give transparent and caring advice to the women they see, for care providerse who practice evidence-based medicine, and for women *and* care providers who trust a person’s intuition.

Miriam Reply:
January 22nd, 2010 at 5:04 am
Thank you for this comment. I found my first birth highly traumatic, and that was compounded by the way other people seemed to find it trivial.
monstergirlee Said,

January 20, 2010 @ 2:53 pm

There are so many thoughtful comments, its such a treat to read them, everyone is so civil. I like that.

I had my own ideas about how the births of my kids would be, and for the most part they went fine. Both 8 lb 15 oz kids (Hubby says my uterus must only cooks them to that size) came out healthy but tore me greatly and required an hour of stitching. Ah such is life. But in the end – I have 2 healthy kids, and thats all that matters. I would not judge someone for advocating to have their births go the way they want.
I have a medical condition that up until I went into labor, I could have ended up with a c-section, we were prepared for that too.
All I wanted was a healthy Baby. End of story.

Thank you for this post, and for the insightful replies.
Kelly Said,

January 20, 2010 @ 3:11 pm

I am late to this, but I have been thinking about this post for two days. First I was going to comment about my own unmedicated C-Section and how I am terrified of needing another if I have another child. (The epidural failed, might be something to do with my metabolism, or lack therof, of certain anesthetics and opiates…)And how my daughter was a-ok but I was readmitted to the hospital five days later with water in my lungs and around my heart. As I lay in the hospital bed listening to my heart’s irregular beating for the longest 12 hours of my life, I–atheist me–PRAYED for G*d, G*dess, ANYONE please don’t let my baby’s Mama die.

But, after reading the comments above, I think that one of the hardest things, at least for me, is forgiving myself for being so traumatized by the pain and subsequent suffering I endured. After all, it’s the vaginal birth that supposed to be painful, and we strong women don’t get *traumatized* by that, do we? But I guess one woman’s trauma is another woman’s empowerment. I am thrilled to have a happy, healthy, 2 1/2 year old girl, and I would relive the trauma of her birth to ensure her life and health, but I still wish it hadn’t gone the way it did. And I very much wish I was okay with it now, but I am not.

Thank you for a wonderful post.

megan Reply:
January 28th, 2010 at 12:47 am
I honestly cannot imagine an unmedicated c-section could be anyting but PURE TRAUMA. YOU have every reason in the world to have been traumatized, as do the other ladies on here who have made similar comments. I am very grateful for the amazing anethetist I had with my very rapid emeergency c-section. I felt ’stuff’, but no pain. Blessings to you, I pray that the trauma fades with time.
megan´s last blog ..I’m Still Learning
natalie Said,

January 20, 2010 @ 3:11 pm

I love the fact that you’ve replied to so many on this post. I too had a BAD bad BAD birth experience….(think 4 days of labor, then emergency forcep delivery and three teams of nurse/doctors who MISSED a three inch labial tear afterwards, which naturally, got infected, I was in vag. pain for almost 4 months) and YES it DID ultimately cause some real psychological trauma for me during that 1st year…and also caused me to re-think everything having to do with my own expectations about becoming a mother. I find that the more I talk/write about it, the more I let this go and the more whole I feel about the process and my disappointment.

In the end, although it took me awhile and some professional help, I have learned to let it go and have learned to consider it as the means to an end….a beautiful end. That end is named Felix and he is a healthy, spunky and hilariously blond 22-month old boy. And while his birth and its aftermath were horrific…I would do it all again in a heartbeat if it was the only way to get from there to here.

Thank you again, for this post.
Amelia Sprout Said,

January 20, 2010 @ 3:37 pm

I wish everyone could read this. I got judged by my family for my induction and medication, brought on by life threatening complications, even though it saved my life.
Most often I joke about it because that is how I deal with major things. If I can’t laugh about it, I would be more concerned. Instead I joke about it because then I don’t have to think about how high my blood pressure was, or how she got stuck with the cord around her neck, and how she was HUGE, even though she was early.
michellew_ (Mommy Confessions) Said,

January 20, 2010 @ 4:05 pm

My second child was born vaginally. She was 10 lbs 10.5 oz. Somehow, despite bedrest for 29 weeks, and oh, approximately 25 ultrasounds, they did not pick up on on her enormous size. During my pushing, the doctor actually said, “my God Michelle, this is a huge baby.” To which I replied, “thanks doc, that information would have been very useful to me YESTERDAY!”

Still, after pushing out a nearly 11 lb baby, having 40 stitches in my crotch, and not being able to sit right for about 2 months, I cried for a week when they told me that my third was breech, and that I would need a c section.

After trying every ridiculous online “remedy” for correcting the breech baby in utero, he turned on his own at about 37 weeks. He was born full term at 8 lbs 12 oz. It was a walk in the park after my previous experience.

I am still petrified of c sections to this day.
Dina Williams Said,

January 20, 2010 @ 6:04 pm

I had 2 very comfortable and uncomplicated (in comparison to Momtrolfreak’s) C-sections. I tried really hard to have a natural birth the first time around and it didn’t work out. At first I was disappointed, but I knew the most important thing was to have a healthy baby — and my son was and is healthy. The thought of torn lady parts and years of pain, or of a C-section without anesthesia, totally freaks me out! My heart goes out to you both! And I will never again complain about my failed induction and 2 days of 3-minute contractions, I promise!
momtrolfreak Said,

January 20, 2010 @ 6:16 pm

Dude, I just got a lot of attention on twitter from you mentioning me, wow. I have like 40 new followers. I’ve always said that you shouldn;t get uppity about HOW you give birth as long as the baby’s ok, because “no one stands at your crotch and hands you a trophy.” But the positive “press” I’ve gotten from you tweeting about my unanesthetized c-section comes pretty close to a trophy. Now that I’ve got all these new followers I’d better be interesting or funny or something. Shit.
Stephanie Said,

January 20, 2010 @ 9:45 pm

Wow, I am humbled by the horrific birth experiences described here, and absolutely in awe of the strength of women and what we all endure through childbirth (NOONE has said it didn’t hurt).

I have a funny circumstance in that I just assumed I would end up with a c-section as everyone in my family has had them (we tend to run small in the pelvis area). After getting to delivery with only gas to help with the pain, I pushed for 2.5 hours to no avail. I begged for the epidural at that point or for them to just cut me open and take her out. I got the epidural and a 15-minute warning that I could push for that long but she would be coming out the front way after that. Well, another 2 hours of pushing (4.5 hours in total) and she came out with the assistance of a vacuum extraction. However, she was blue and grey and dead looking, not breathing, cord wrapped twice, no sound. I watched them take her floppy, lifeless body to the table and work on her. 20 minutes later, she was breathing but no blood sugar to speak of.

Eventually all was righted but in that 20 minutes as I laid there watching, I calmly put together a message to friends and family in my head, describing how our child was stillborn. My husband and sister were bawling, but I had this strange calm. When they finally described what was happening, I was much relieved to know she would make it and she’s been a trooper ever since.

After all that, I wouldn’t give a rip (excuse the pun) how she came out. It so doesn’t matter. I have my sweet little girl now, when I thought I wouldn’t, but still have a hard time believing she came out vaginally and without any tearing whatsoever. I have to remind myself I didn’t have a c-section. Maybe I made up for the pain of recovery with the exhausting and painful 4.5 hours of delivery. Ugh. Here’s to hoping this one will have an easier route out.
MommyNamedApril Said,

January 20, 2010 @ 10:02 pm

i love this post. i’ve had three pretty awful deliveries… but the result was beautiful healthy children and that’s all i can ask for. that’s all any of us can ask for.
What A Girl Wants | Her Bad Mother Said,

January 27, 2010 @ 2:10 pm

[...] anxieties and stresses and mental and physical health concerns that I endured in my pregnancy and delivery and post-partum experience with Jasper. “You can’t go through that again,” my [...]
jerseygirl89 Said,

January 28, 2010 @ 6:21 pm

Best post I’ve ever read about childbirth.
Mimi Said,

February 3, 2010 @ 6:45 pm

Love this post. Love the comments (well most of them). And happy to find it via via some link.

I’m in my 2nd pregnancy, first one was an emergency c-section not nearly as scary as some of the others described so and yeah I was disappointed since I wanted to have the pain and brag about surviving it bla bla. And even apologetic. But in the end, it was the baby that mattered and hell with the rest.

#2 is likely to be a cesarian, only because it’s probably my last pregnancy and frankly, I’m not the waterbirth, at home natural, no drugs, surrounded by family romantic type. But the only reason I doubt having an elective C is because of the fear that the baby is not ready to come out yet and may spend some time in NICU.

Still, I’m thankful that I have this choice and am not on the street delivering. How horrifying in Haiti and my heart goes out to those women and children.
Cara Said,

February 5, 2010 @ 3:46 pm

This is a horrifying story. Just horrifying because all of these women are trying to birth in such incredible FEAR. There is so very much work being done to support such moms and I am torn apart in horror knowing that these women did not get any such support.
By all means, healthy baby, healthy mommy is absolutely the goal – the only goal. If you believed, as I do, that 95% of the babies born in this world do so without incident and that womens’ bodies are created to physically, spiritually and emotionally create and birth life (should a women choose to birth) AND that medical intervention is potentially harmful to our children, you would see natural birth in a different light.
The true problem is that our culture terrifies women (and men) with a contagiousness that makes medical intervention necessary. But ladies, doctors are not taught how to birth babies, they are taught how to handle emergencies. They are bound by hospital policies and their legal departments.
The author has heard countless horror stories but I know of many, many homebirth midwives who have assisted in tens of thousands of births without incident! Many more women in the world are birthing without fear and therefore without pain or complications than ever before.
I beg of you all to trust your bodies to do what mother nature intended (whether or not you choose to use drugs, etc.)and to trust your BABIES to know what to do when the time comes! Use guided imagery, use hypnosis, use whatever you have to to get into a state of relaxation to allow your body to do what it knows how to do! Get the epidural, get the demerol (or whatever sensation-relieving drugs they have), but embrace your innate gift – your powerful, magical gift of birth!!!!!!!
Joyce Said,

February 8, 2010 @ 3:38 am

I found your blog through a story on AOL about mom bullies. I chose to read this post because of its title and I wanted to see how you would describe a “good birth”. Having been involved in many family members & friends births (from home water births to c-sections), I have always said that the only thing that matters is that everyone is healthy afterwards. Even the best laid plans for the “perfect” birth can go awry and every woman should have the right to make the choices that are best for her and her baby! Thank you for writing such a compassionate, open-minded article on this touchy subject!