Princesses Never Give Up, Until They Totally Do
This past weekend was a weekend filled with tremendous, heart-busting joy. It was also one of the most personally disappointing weekends of my entire life. My head is spinning a little from the existential contradiction that this represents.
I took the brood to Disney World, and one of the objectives of the trip was, of course, to have a good time, and having a good time at Disney World is not a particularly difficult thing to do, what with the spinning teacups and fireworks and pirates and flying carpets and pixie dust and all, and so to say that we – and more importantly, our coterie of pixie-loving badgers – had fun is to understate things dramatically. But having fun was not the only objective of the trip, nor even the primary objective of the trip. The primary objective of the trip (which saw us drive from Toronto to Florida in a vehicle provided by GM Canada) was me tackling the Disney Princess Half-Marathon, aka the Tiarathon, as the first race in my year-long quest to run 100 miles for Tanner. I’ve been training since last year to do this run and all the other runs – runs that will cover a total distance, I hope, of 100 miles – to follow. I had my tiara and tutu packed and ready.
I never got the chance to wear them.
The night before the race I had a series of dizzy spells, the last resulting in a nasty fall while carrying Emilia – herself a little broken from falling on the monorail off-ramp – across the resort grounds. I wasn’t badly hurt by the fall – just sore knees and neck – but the fact that I’d been dizzy enough for black spots to distort my vision and skew my balance and send me careening to the ground, child in arms, was enough to sound the warning bells. “You’re not running,” Katie said, as she helped me back to the room. “I will stop you.”
So. I did not run the Disney Princess Half-Marathon.
In hindsight, I can speculate that my dizzy spells and my fall and my consequent failure to run was due to a lot of things that were more or less beyond my control. Doing a week-long long-distance road trip with small children who do not sleep prior to running a half-marathon is, perhaps, something that I could have controlled – simply by not doing it – but then we wouldn’t have had our adventure, and who’s to say that it was the seven nights without sleep that brought me down? It also might have been the Florida sun, or the food (Mickey-shaped waffles have been proven to cause light-headedness in tutu-clad lab rats), or the fact that I’m only about a month past a bout of pneumonia and have bad lungs and ignored all of that when I resumed training a few weeks ago and didn’t pay any of that any mind while carrying a 35 lb toddler through the Magic Kingdom and Animal Kingdom and Epcot Center under the decidedly un-Canadian sun for two days. It could have been due to a lot of things, most of which were almost certainly my fault.
Which is why I’m having a hard time clinging to the joy from this weekend. The smalls had a deliciously wonderful time, chasing Space Rangers and splashing down mountains and racing race cars and goggling at pixies zipping through the sky, and their joy was contagious but still: we were supposed to do all this – we were supposed to be pursuing joy and chasing pixies and princesses – for Tanner. I was supposed to do this for Tanner. And I f*cked it up before I even got started.
It’s kind of hard to not hate myself for that.
(I ordinarily close comments for this kind of post, because I hate being sucked into the temptation to seek reassurance and back-pats from the Internets for my own twisted issues, but you know what? This shit sucks so bad that it is taking all of my limited self-restraint to not out-and-out beg everyone, everywhere, to tell me that I am not, in fact, all total fail and a disappointment to humanity. So. If you feel like telling me that I don’t suck, I will totally take that. Please excuse my neediness.)
Posted by Her Bad Mother on March 9, 2010
Filed under: Being Bad, Flamily, Road Trip, heavy, tanner, the gods hate me
Tags: Disney, disney princess half-marathon, disneyworld, fail, gm canada, Road Trip, tiarathon
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."What is done out of love always takes place beyond good and evil." (Nietzsche, Aphorism 153, Beyond Good And Evil.) Not, unfortunately, beyond Dora dolls that shout 'WE DID IT!' when you step on them, but you learn to cope with that.
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© 2010 • Her Bad Mother • All Rights Reserved
Mar 9, 2010
I say this as someone who was once, actually, a fairly decent competitive long distance runner, until the day I KNOWINGLY pushed my young stupid self farther than I ought to have and caused myself a permanent injury that eventually forced me to quit competitive running for good:
There is always another race.
There is not another you.
Tanner needs a happy, healthy aunt more than he needs a race run in his name.
Run again another day.
Her Bad Mother Reply:
March 9th, 2010 at 7:29 pm
Thank you for that, lady. It helps. A lot.
Mar 9, 2010
You totally don’t suck. You bit off more than you could chew, but that’s generosity and compassion, not suckitude.
After Words´s last blog ..You Be the Parent: Manners
Her Bad Mother Reply:
March 9th, 2010 at 7:30 pm
I suppose. Suckitude would be not biting in the first place? Or not chewing?
Mar 9, 2010
Oh, dear. You are most certainly NOT a failure. Princesses don’t give up and you will run your 100 miles for your sweet nephew, but princesses are also loving, compassionate people who are even able to forgive themselves. Not that you need forgiveness, mind you. Princesses do realize that they cannot care for anyone else if they are not also taken care of.
If Disney is Tanner’s favorite place, wouldn’t he want you to fully experience its magic and joy, rather than pushing far past your limits while possibly harming yourself? Please don’t let the incidents of this one weekend discourage you. Also, don’t let them taint your memory of the fabulous vacation you were able to spend with your family.
You can and will run your miles, but don’t be so focused on the end goal that you miss all the magical steps– and missteps– along the way.
Lindsey´s last blog ..Hubba Bubba Chewdown
Her Bad Mother Reply:
March 9th, 2010 at 7:31 pm
“If Disney is Tanner’s favorite place, wouldn’t he want you to fully experience its magic and joy, rather than pushing far past your limits while possibly harming yourself?”
Yes. YES. Thank you. So important to remember.
Mar 9, 2010
So moved by your post, your dedication and your compassion. You didn’t run this race but you will run your 100 miles and reach your goal. I’m sure of it. Count me as one of the many who’ll be cheering you on from the sidelines.
Run.Catherine. Run.
Her Bad Mother Reply:
March 9th, 2010 at 7:31 pm
The cheering helps. Thank you, thank you.
Mar 9, 2010
I offer a hug. I have a million ideas in my head how to “fix” this, but the one that seems to make the most sense is “Keep Going”. Yes, it is a rough start, but it is not the end. Dust yourself off, get some rest, and start again.
The goals here are to raise money and awareness. Just by going, just by talking about the Tiarathon and Duschene’s you raise awareness.
This is the beginning, not the end.
Lee Laughlin´s last blog ..Pierced Ears
Her Bad Mother Reply:
March 9th, 2010 at 7:34 pm
“Keep Going” is important. And although I know it, I need to hear it. So, yeah. Thank you.
Mar 9, 2010
WARNING: THIS COULD GET A BIT PRECIOUS.
Friend…you know that I say this having been in “the realm” of what you all are facing with that sweet boy.
Has it occurred to you that you just gave Tanner an amazing gift?
He is trying to pack an awful lot of life experience and exposure and knowledge about humanity into a MUCH TOO BRIEF time.
You showed him that sometimes despite our very, very, very best intent and effort it just doesn’t work out. We “fail”. But sometimes the reaction…the true sorrow and regret that we let someone we love “down” (even if only in our minds) shows them how much we love and care about them.
That it is ok to not be able to make it to the finish line and let it go because you did your best. Whether it is due to a fall or a horrible, horrible disease that makes you not be able to finish the race.
Maybe he is too young to comprehend fully what that means but I guarantee he knows that you love him. And I guarantee that all the other people around him aren’t to young to see and read this and feel gratitude that you even showed up for him.
It speaks so much about you and your heart.
Please don’t feel like a failure.
You love that boy fiercely and that matters more than a thousand miles you could ever run.
I love you.
xo
Loralee´s last blog ..Far Away Face Girl
Her Bad Mother Reply:
March 9th, 2010 at 7:35 pm
You just made me cry. Hard. Messily. But in a good way.
Mar 9, 2010
We were really worried about you and am glad you’re okay.
I hope you get those kids to sleep. For your own sake. You need it, sister.
Her Bad Mother Reply:
March 9th, 2010 at 7:51 pm
Tell that to my kids. Please.
Mar 9, 2010
This is Auntie Suebob taking you by the shoulders and looking you in the eyes: Stop it. Just stop it. You are a great aunt and you care more than anyone and you are doing great things for Tanner just by being you and by raising awareness and by standing up for him. You are good and strong and I could not admire you more. Take a deep breath and relax.
Suebob´s last blog ..Oh what a feelin’. Peel me off the ceiling.
Her Bad Mother Reply:
March 9th, 2010 at 8:57 pm
Thank you, Auntie Suebob. It’s just, it feels yucky, you know? To have gone all that way, done all the work, made all the announcements, and then pfft.
Mar 9, 2010
I agree completely with Loralee. We teach our kids to do their best and to be satisfied with that. You did yours and you now have to accept that you’re human and that things don’t always work out perfectly. Now: get up and get going and show the young uns how we big girls do it! You’re an inspiration.
Mar 9, 2010
You promised to run 100 miles this year. You wanted to do the Tiarathon, but you couldn’t. So what? It’s the execution of the promise that counts, not how you execute it.
And, what Loralee said. Failure is as much a part of life as success, perseverance, etc. Getting off your rear to try again after failing is just as important as succeeding.
Find another half marathon and wear your tiara and tutu. Or run a mile every day in that get-up. You’ll probably make more people happy that way.
a´s last blog ..Show and Tell
Her Bad Mother Reply:
March 9th, 2010 at 8:58 pm
“It’s the execution of the promise that counts, not how you execute it.”
Yes. Yes. Thank you for reminding me. And maybe I will start just running in that tutu.
Mar 9, 2010
Five years ago, I signed up to do the 3 day walk for breast cancer research and awareness. I raised $3,000 and trained for months. Two weeks before the walk, I found out that I was pregnant. My doctor advised against the walk and so I did not do it. I told myself that the whole point was to raise money and awareness, and I had done that through all of my contacts and pleading for donations, but I still felt guilty. In my 20th week, I lost the baby ( a girl). I am forever grateful that I did not do the walk, because I may have been STILL second guessing myself about the decision.
You are not a failure. You are sharing Tanner’s story, run or no run. Pushing yourself too far does not do anyone any good. You are responsible for yourself and your children, making responsible decisions. Continue to run if you wish, continue to write, wear that tiara. We understand. Tanner understands. (so does Mickey.)
Her Bad Mother Reply:
March 9th, 2010 at 8:59 pm
Oh, lady. I’m so sorry. Thank you for sharing that. ***hugs***
Mar 9, 2010
Near Native Floridian here. You do not suck. Florida does that to the unsuspecting. There’s nothing you could have possibly done to avoid it and you should not feel one iota of guilt.
Beyond that, I was supposed to run a different local race on Saturday. I ended up not able to do it because I pushed too hard, too fast, and didn’t pay attention to my knees when they said, please, no more.
As the other commenter said, There is always another race; there is not another you.
You are awesome. You made the best memories ever for your kids. Be proud of that. I am.
Mar 9, 2010
Don’t beat yourself up about it. As a runner, I know that there are some days that you just aren’t supposed to run. You’ll be able to get your 100 miles – and not succeeding on your first attempt is maybe just a good reminder to all of us that life is tough – and some people never get to run.
Now, that said, take care of yourself, girl!!! How are you supposed to be taking care of other people in your life if you don’t rest and take care of yourself first!
You’ll come back though, and I’m sure you’re going to be a kick-a$$ “ballarin-ee” (my daughter’s term) and runner on your next race! Good luck!
Mar 9, 2010
don’t beat yourself up about it. sh*t happens, and then you move on. there will be other marathons (and whatever cutesy partial marathon names they come up with), it’s not like this is the only one in history. if the rug-rats had a good time, that’s all they will remember. there’s plenty of time to run!
Mar 9, 2010
They already said everything I was going to. Sending you hugs and love and the knowledge that there is another race to run.
liz´s last blog ..I would say something if I had something to say…
Mar 9, 2010
Hi! This is Marta, from Barcelona. I just wanted to say that it’s the thought and the generosity that counts. Your blog is really inspiring. Love,
Marta
Marta´s last blog ..Awards!
Mar 9, 2010
when you say you effed this all up for tanner before you even got started, it kind of makes me want to punch you in the head.
i mean, i love reading you, you REALLY make me think, but you’re kind of a maroon (as bugs bunny would say) about taking care of yourself. as in: you don’t. not really.
what if you had run? what if you had IGNORED YOUR BODY (because *that’s* always the better choice) when it was telling you, oh so clearly, “I need rest,” and run anyways? what do you think would have happened? do YOU think you would have made it through the marathon? i don’t. i suspect you would have passed out before you got halfway and scared everyone and yourself a whole lot more and possibly done serious damage to your body that could have ended your running career.
so what were you saying about effing it all up?
Stone Fox´s last blog ..OUTED!!
Issa Reply:
March 9th, 2010 at 4:04 pm
When someone asks for caring individuals to help hold her up and let her know that there is another chance..they do not need to be told that someone would punch them in the head. Not helpful at all.
You could have made your point without that.
Issa´s last blog ..Funny, but I thought I had lost my mind
Stone Fox Reply:
March 9th, 2010 at 6:06 pm
it was meant as a JOKE. as in, a humorous attempt to say, “Hey, you’re not thinking this through; let me help you with that.”
i could have made my point without it, but i didn’t. don’t take it personally.
Stone Fox´s last blog ..OUTED!!
Issa Reply:
March 9th, 2010 at 6:59 pm
That’s all fine and good. I? Didn’t take it personally, but it’s also not my comment section and I didn’t just say that I was feeling bad. Catherine did.
I just don’t think it read as a joke.
Issa´s last blog ..Funny, but I thought I had lost my mind
Her Bad Mother Reply:
March 13th, 2010 at 11:58 am
I got the joke. Even in my over-sensitive haze
Della Reply:
March 10th, 2010 at 2:24 pm
I certainly won’t borrow the words, but Stone Fox does have a point. You tend to put others, particularly your kids, ahead of you.
I know what that is like. My husband does not understand that I am compelled to take care of my kids before taking care of myself. COMPELLED, related to the word COMPULSION or COMPULSIVE. Even when I resent it, I am still compelled.
The relevance here is that if you are going to do something, I suspect that you, like me, determine you’re going to do it “Regardless of the cost.” And I submit that you, like me, need to start being “regardful” of the cost – to YOURSELF, not just the cost to others (which seems to be in the currency of disappointment, most times).
Her Bad Mother Reply:
March 13th, 2010 at 11:59 am
I agree on the point made – and that it was a point worth making. Sometimes we do just need to give our heads a shake. Or two.
Mar 9, 2010
Uggghhh! I can see how that would be majorly disappointing. But yes, as previous commenters have said, you could have done serious harm to yourself if you’d run anyway. At least you got a nice family vacation and a good story out of the deal. We’ll be rooting for you next time!
Mar 9, 2010
Oh Catherine, you are not a failure. Chalk this one up to things beyond your control. Seriously. The bad lungs/pneumonia is enough of a reason for it to have not worked out. The rest of it just added to it. Next time honey, there is always next time. Next time you’ll know that Disney & running a race, probably aren’t a good idea in the same week. But you had no way of knowing. Try not to be too hard on yourself okay?
Goals are just that, goals. We can’t always make them. What’s important is trying. You took care of yourself, that is what matters this time.
Also? Your kids got the trip of a lifetime. That is worth something too.
Issa´s last blog ..Funny, but I thought I had lost my mind
Mar 9, 2010
You did not eff up. You tried and you failed, but isn’t that what we try to teach our children about anyway. Reaching goals is important but not at the expense of ourselves.
You are raising awareness. You are getting out Tanner’s story. You will run your 100 miles. You also are smart enough to pay attention to your body and not seriously harm yourself.
So take care of yourself, take care of those kids, and then go run. I’ll be cheering you on.
Dani´s last blog ..Love Thursday -Scrapping
Mar 9, 2010
It’s sad that you didn’t get to run this weekend but you did not fail Tanner. Even if your goal had only been to run this race and it was not the start of a year long goal you would not have failed Tanner. You would have done your very best and accomplished a LOT.
So, hold your head high, show the world you’re not going to let one setback keep you down and move on to the next challenge (or next step of this one).
Now all that said, you’ve had a hell of a year so far and I do believe a lesser woman (like me for instance) would still be curled up around a large bowl of ice cream. I also think that part of the reason you’re able to accomplish so much is that you do feel like you’ve failed when you don’t meet your own expectations. So while I want you to be easier on yourself, I also you to not change too much
Mar 9, 2010
Catherine, when I saw your tweets about the blackout and then not running I was heartbroken for you. And also impressed by your courage in sharing immediately.
It sounds trite, but shit happens and you will do well to allow yourself forgiveness and take peace in the fact that you got your family to Disney in the first place. And you will always have other opportunities to run. It was good that you didn’t because you could have done far more damage than that to the insides. -Christine
Boston Mamas´s last blog ..Cambridge’s Community Hub
Mar 9, 2010
You didn’t give up. And the year is young. You will run 100 miles, whether you do it in a tutu or not. I have confidence and faith in you, my friend.
And I really hope that you’re feeling better.
Julie @ The Mom Slant´s last blog ..Another reason to delay family air travel
Mar 9, 2010
You lived to run another day! That rocks, just that in itself. Keep going.
Karen´s last blog ..A week of dinners through the eyes of my tween boy
Mar 9, 2010
Dear HBM –
Reiterating – there is only one you on the planet. Your children have only one biological mom.
With this being womens’ month, please remember to start caring for your whole self more. Also, note the other women who share stories of caution learned the hard way.
Sacrificing self-care to maintain what others think you ’should’ do is not going to keep you on the planet longer to appreciate the joys of being your little people’s mom and auntie to Tanner.
Quality of life in the now, HBM. Receive the blessings of our life on earth.
Eliza´s last blog ..2010 Aries Ingress aka Spring Equinox
Mar 9, 2010
You are quite the opposite of a failure, babe. Quite the opposite.
Mar 9, 2010
YOU DON’T SUCK!! Although I do understand how you would feel disappointed after so much hard work. BIG points for training and having such amazing intentions. Not to mention for knowing when to take care of your health first. As others have already commented, there will be other opportunities to run. Feel better.
Jennie´s last blog ..Please observe…
Mar 9, 2010
Not a failure. Nope. The end.
Lona @ I am THAT mommy´s last blog ..Another reason why we may end up on C.O.P.S. someday …
Mar 9, 2010
You are a Queen, not a princess. To quote a friend of mine (www.beaqueen.com):
We are Queens, not princesses. Queens are sophisticated and responsible. Princesses are either little girls or the Britney/Paris Hilton types. Big difference. Queens still have a lot of fun, but Queens have matured beyond the princess phase and understand that people count on them every day and they bear great responsibility.
You met your circumstances head on with grace & dignity. There is no fault to be found, no guilt if there is no fault. Accept with strength you did your best & that is all that matters. That is what you teach Tanner & your kids.
Elizabeth´s last blog ..Homemade Sugar Body Scrubs
Mar 9, 2010
This is simple – you did the right thing. It would have really sucked if you had run and something worse had happened
Laura (@chambanalaura)´s last blog ..Summer Camp 101: What Are We Going To Do?
Mar 9, 2010
As a runner and mama and someone who has been touched by Tanner’s story and your love, caring and devotion to him, I had to comment. You. Do. Not. Suck. You are ambitious and pure of heart. You were sadly thwarted by the earthly realities of this corporeal prone-to-breakage body that we all have to lug with us. You did the right thing. You did. Please don’t give up. There are lots and lots and lots of races out there. You can wear tiaras and boas and anything you damn please in any damn one of them, and make the race your VERY OWN and Connor’s VERY OWN Tiarathon. You could even gather your friends and family and make your own race. The April issue of Runner’s World had an awesome story about someone diagnosed with probable lung cancer who did just that.
I know. I know! Post-non-race letdown. All that anticipation and preparation for what seems like nothing. But your desire to do something for Connor – that’s really something. Channel it. Fuel it. Please keep running. Log that 100! IN A TIARA!!
Roberta´s last blog ..Digging out
Mar 9, 2010
How many miles have you already run just practicing for the race? Count those! Those are runs, those are miles that you have run just for Tanner. And we all know about them because we read you, so we know about Tanner and we know about Duchenne’s. You’ve already won, even before you’ve run the races. So I know you feel bad, but forgive me: you’re being ridiculously hard on yourself. Stop it.
Katherine from Postpartum Progress´s last blog ..A How-To Manual for Getting the Best Help for Postpartum Depression & Anxiety
Mar 9, 2010
What would you say if this happened to Katie? You’d say:
This was NOT your fault. That was not a “dizzy spell.” You passed out. PASSED OUT. That is not just being tired or lack of sleep or anything but your body screaming at you that something is very, very wrong.
Listen to your body. Well, you did listen, so good for you for doing that. All of those things you say might have contributed to this – that’s a bunch of hooey. None of those things make a person pass out.
Look, if you had stayed up drinking the night before, then I’d say you can whip yourself and be disappointed in yourself. But you did nothing of the kind.
Please, please be proud of yourself. Please, please be gentle with yourself. You have still put in all the training, all the work, all the sacrifice to get to this point. That all still counts.
Mar 9, 2010
You SO do not suck.
Danica´s last blog ..
Mar 9, 2010
I think you rock because you set such a good example of a woman LISTENING TO HER BODY and not pushing yourself to the point of detriment. I can only imagine your disappointment but please let it just be over this first missed opportunity (that I know you will make up) and NOT in any way a reflection of how you feel about your amazing self.
Eagerly awaiting your next adventure.
Michelle´s last blog ..Little Einsteins
Mar 9, 2010
You gave Tanner (and his mother) the best gift of all.
Your love and devotion. You acknowledge his struggles and you continue to support him.
Not every aunt would do this. And you know I speak from experience. I *know* Tanner would tell you, so I’m just going to nod my head and tell you what Tanner will: We love you for caring so much.
Tanis Miller, RNM´s last blog ..Let’s Talk About Sex
Her Bad Mother Reply:
March 9th, 2010 at 9:25 pm
xoxoxoxoxoxox
Mar 9, 2010
You can’t help being ill. You are probably not far enough past the pneumonia to even consider something like a half marathon anyway – pneumonia saps you for a long time. It’s only March. Plenty of time to run that 100 miles later in the year when you are more yourself. Don’t beat yourself up, you tried, you had good intentions, it didn’t work out. Tanner loves you anyway.
Mar 9, 2010
Oh Catherine, you certainly don’t suck at all, you didn’t choose to be sick. I get your disappointment though. Get well soon.
Mar 9, 2010
I still wish I could have met up with you while you were in my neck of the woods down here. (I was totally waving in your general direction from Gainesville, FL.)
Psht, don’t sweat the small stuff. And it’s all small stuff. Isn’t that the cliche? We’ll it’s true.
Just wear that tiara and tutu proudly at the next run. And take photos for us
We love you!
Angela´s last blog ..25 weeks
Mar 9, 2010
You do not suck. You SO do not suck. You did an amazing thing- you WENT. You were responsible enough to recognize that you shouldn’t run.
It’s ok. You did the right thing, even if it broke your heart. And, you know, if you feel like putting another half marathon in its place, there’s always the Pittsburgh half on May 2nd. You know. Just sayin’. Not because I’m running it and would adore meeting you. Or anything. I’m not selfish like that.
HUGS! I’m glad you’re ok.
emily´s last blog ..It’s getting closer!
Mar 9, 2010
You are not a failure. The body can only take so much and many factors played into this. It’s better that you didn’t push through all of that, because you need to be there in the long run for your kids, your husband, and your family and friends–including Tanner. There will be another race under better circumstances at some point in your future!
Mar 9, 2010
You did the right thing not to race. You can probably still complete the 100 this year, but the most important thing is to look after yourself.
Mar 9, 2010
Oh, you so don’t suck; we’re so freaking hard on ourselves! Sounds like so many great things happened on your trip. And everyone has said it; there will be other opportunities. There were different plans in store for you this time, and they were beyond your control.
And it’s so okay to take some reassurance and pats on the back. Makes US feel good to give it too…
Maureen@IslandRoar´s last blog ..Trusting My Gut
Mar 9, 2010
Perhaps a list of what you HAVE accomplished will help you feel a bit brighter. When things make no sense, sometimes believing in the “meant to be”s can help. Perhaps that wasn’t the race you were meant to run for Tanner, and the right one hasn’t crossed your path yet.
With your full plate, take a deep breath, and know that when the time is right, you will be running, for yourself, for Tanner, for all that’s right.
Mar 9, 2010
I can’t find one hint of a sucky, lame mom in that whole recap. I second what Jaelithe said, there is always another race but there will never be another you.
Emily´s last blog ..Nothin’ like a fancy meal on family night
Mar 9, 2010
Terry Fox changed the world, and he didn’t put one foot to concrete in order to do it. Just sayin’.
Mr Lady´s last blog ..We’re Short A Girl, But We Have The Cup
Her Bad Mother Reply:
March 9th, 2010 at 9:12 pm
Terry Fox had mega-cancer and only one leg and he kept running, day and night, across the country, until he collapsed and died. I got dizzy and fell off of my two intact, non-cancerous legs. So.
Still, thanks. The spirit is well-taken.
(Wait: “didn’t put one foot to concrete.” Was that a dark one-legged runner joke? KUDOS.)
(
)
Mar 9, 2010
YOU DO NOT SUCK. Or maybe as a consenting adult you do, but that is not my business.
Shit happens, sometimes it’s our fault, sometimes it’s not… Go ahead and be completely bummed about not meeting this one goal you had set for yourself, but don’t let that make you lose sight of the bigger goal, the 100 miles. You have time, you’ll do it. And you had a fun adventure with your kidlets and that will be such a precious memory for you all. That’s the part you’ll all remember years from now.
Heide´s last blog ..quilting for the love of strangers
Mar 9, 2010
There will always be another time to run. Just because this wasn’t your moment doesn’t mean you’re a let-down, so that can go right away. You’ve definitely not let anyone down. Tanner needs your love, prayers, and happy thoughts more than he needs you to run. You made the pilgramage for him doing all those things, which I know you’ll continue to do. THAT’s what’s important. Keep wearing the tiara, keep training. You WILL run again. But that’s not what’s important. <3
Ellie Di´s last blog ..Never More Than I Can Handle
Mar 9, 2010
OH, my god, Catherine. No way. Don’t you do it. Don’t you listen to that voice. That voice is an ASSHOLE. It will try to kill everything good in you. (It’s been doing so with me for a few years now, with limited success, so I’m savvy and can speak to it.)
Don’t you let it. You tell it to shut the FUCK up. It’s a stupid, stupid voice that should be positively ignored. Unheeded. Stuffed full of fetid socks.
You’re a rad girl. You had a myriad of shit going on (as you’ve noted). You should not have run — Katie was right. You’d have gotten hurt. (Tanner wouldn’t have wanted his dear Auntie to get hurt for his sake.)
You’ll have another chance at the running.
Now go shove wooly items in that voice’s cake-hole. GO.
xoxoxoxo Debbie
Mar 9, 2010
You made memories for the children that were with you that will last them for a lifetime.
The kids are going to remember going to a magical place and having a good time. THEY are not going to ever remember it as “that trip where momma/auntie didn’t do what she was supposed to do”.
YOU should remember this trip as time you got to spend with people you love and who love you in a magical place having fun.
There will be other half marathons…and as many have said in comments before mine, there is only one you. You didn’t “give up”, you “gave out” and there’s a HUGE difference.
Take care of yourself. You’ll make your 100 miles. Forgive yourself and realize that the only one who feels you failed is you. The people who love you still love you, that’s what counts most.
MsDarkstar´s last blog ..Regrettable Liaisons
Mar 9, 2010
Pfft you let a little pneumonia, bad lungs, road trip, baby carrying, passing out knock you down? Wimp!
Honey you are CRAZY! If you had run, you could have ended up really hurting yourself. Take comfort in knowing you did what you could. You are awesome mama! YOU ROCK!!
Mary Jo´s last blog ..Wedding Rings
Mar 9, 2010
Of course you don’t suck. You didn’t train for a year and drive down to Florida with the intention of not running. You can be disappointed, but don’t be disappointed in yourself.
Coincidentally, we were in Disney World two weeks ago, and I fell in Animal Kingdom. I was holding Cassidy and landed on Mischa. They were mercifully ok. The bruises on my legs are impressive, as were the ‘do you need a walker?’ jokes that went on the whole damn day.
Mar 9, 2010
Here is the #1 most important thing that I have learned about training for long distance runs: Go easy on yourself.
Go easy on yourself.
Did you hear me? I mean it. Go easy.
That goes for your physical self AND (most importantly, IMO) your emotional/mental/soul self. Those were not the only 13.1 miles in the universe. Miles abound, love. Some miles are much, much harder than others and some singular miles are all that can be covered some days. The key is to just cover them– as many or as few as you can. But never, EVER when you’re feeling dizzy. And with much more lung capacity than is normally available after a recent pneumonia bout.
I’ll say it again: Go easy on yourself. You still rock big time.
Jana´s last blog ..Scottsville Cemetery
Mar 9, 2010
You don’t suck. I will come over and hug you soon. xo
Assertagirl´s last blog ..Tips for Trimming Baby’s Nails
Mar 9, 2010
No suckitutde, I say whip out that Tiara & tutu and get on it. While the atmosphere would have been fun, the miles and where the feet go- do not matter so much!
Take care of yourself and then run your 100.
Mar 9, 2010
I’m sorry for my comments out there on Teh Internets. I was being goofy and trying to make you laugh. Sometimes I miss the mark horribly.
I don’t want to make you more sad. Please forgive me. You are, like, one of my favoritest people ever on the planet. Please don’t be sad. You are such a wonderful person. You’ll get to 100 miles. I know you will. xxxxxxxxxxooooooooooooooooo
Mar 9, 2010
Hi Catherine, It’s been a while since I have read your blog (I am a friend of Katie’s (Mother Bumper). I am also a runner (I have been running for 5 years with 1 marathon, 3 halfs, 6 10k’s and 2 sprint triathlons under my belt)
I know how disapointing it can be not run a race that you trained for, but your health is more important. Take care of yourself!! There will be other races that you can run in support of Tanner.
Hey, if you want some people to run with, you can always join us at the North York Running Room. I run with some great gals (ages 35 to 45 and all mothers) -we are not very fast but we love to gossip -it’s certainly worth the trip from where you live. Take care, Jen
Mar 10, 2010
There is plenty of time to get to 100 – as long as you stay healthy. You were wise to listen to yourself.
Donna´s last blog ..Schoolyard Bullies
Mar 10, 2010
I’m sorry you didn’t get to race, but I’m also glad that you didn’t. When I saw your tweet about the dizzy spell, I couldn’t help but worry.
But you didn’t fail Tanner. In this case, it really is the thought that counts. And I’m pretty sure that there aren’t many better ways to honor Tanner than celebrating the pure, simple joys of life at the happiest place on earth.
Bridget´s last blog ..Papa
Mar 10, 2010
Road trip to Disney=Champion Mommy
Training for anything like a half-marathon= Champion Woman
Give yourself a big, fat break. And please try to get some sleep.
KellyBurton´s last blog ..Winter Bubbles
Mar 10, 2010
Catherine,
First you do not suck.Anyone who reads your blog knows how much you love Tanner and would do anything for him. You are one of his champions. Even Champions have hard days. Even Champions can’t run every race they want to even with all the training done..
What do champions do they get up! They smile and encourage and then train again to run again and they don’t give up until they are done. You are the champion who will not let a little unrun race hold you back. You are a champion to many especially Tanner.
Mar 10, 2010
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Mar 10, 2010
I am sure it feels like a failure but you have step back and look at what you created in your trip and it far exceeds the run that didn’t happen. The memories are worth more with a healthy mom to remember them with than if something had god forbid happened to you doing the run. Another run is always there to make up the miles lost but the trip couldn’t be replaced for any of you.
Mar 10, 2010
Hey – at least you went there with a goal and your heart was still in it, even if your body wouldn’t let you. I actually thought of you last weekend, as I too was there for the Princess weekend! I admire you and all of the other princesses there with the courage to do the 1/2! I only went for the 5K, and decided to spend this next year training to run the half in 2011. I can promise you that I will always keep you and Tanner in mind during this next year. I hope you don’t get too down on yourself. Just keep positive… and next year you can put on that tiara and run run run for little Tanner!
FruitFly´s last blog ..Disney’s Princess 1/2 Marathon Weekend
FruitFly Reply:
March 13th, 2010 at 7:08 pm
Just a follow up to my prior comment….
although I do not know you, I enjoy reading your blogs and understand your frustration with not being able to run. I just wanted to let you know that next weekend I am spontaneously going to be in a race – and this one is totally for Tanner! I know I’m just a stranger, but I feel like its the least I can do!
Mar 10, 2010
I know exactly how you feel. Six years ago I trained for Team In Training to do the Disney Marathon to celebrate my five year cancer remission. While training in the winter in the Midwest, I found out I was pregnant, just weeks before the race. My OB did not want me to continue training, but I felt that I had to race, because of the donations from friends and family, and what it meant to me- beating cancer and all, getting pregnant so easily despite being a survivor that had both chemo and radiation treatment just five years before.
I went to the race in Disney, with my husband and two year old in tow. Right before I left, I saw my Dr. who said “Do not run” and I said “ummm, ok” with fingers crossed.
Got there, felt like crap, did not run. Felt even crappier because I did not run. Felt like a loser, and embarrassed, and not like a bad ass cancer survivor warrior mom at all but a big weak money-grubbing jerk.
And a few weeks, I had a miscarriage.
If I had run, I would have blamed myself for that loss for the rest of my life. Despite knowing that I would have not have caused it by running, it would have still felt like my fault (because what did my own mother say to me after the miscarriage? “what did you do to cause it?” nice.)
But I didn’t tell all the people who gave me money to run about the missing of the race, or the pregnancy, or even the loss of the pregnancy, because it just didn’t feel right. I just felt like an ass all around.
I sent out the thank you letters to those who gave donations while mourning the loss of my pregnancy.
Weeks later I got pregnant again. I was super-fit during that pregnancy and had my easiest delivery of a very sweet boy.
So, I know how you feel, and honestly it just sucks feeling like you let others down because we moms can do it all, and letting anyone down, even if it causes us harm, is just not ok.
But sometimes, it is.
Mar 10, 2010
Of course you don’t suck.
Mar 10, 2010
SO. NOT. A. FAIL.
i’m in orlando…ish. wish i could’ve met you! maybe another time
MommyNamedApril´s last blog ..Flashback Friday – The Land Before Kids a.k.a. The Orlando Shore.
Mar 10, 2010
It’s easy to be disappointed in yourself when things like this happen. But don’t be hard on yourself. You made memories this weekend. That’s worth more than any ‘ol marathon.
statia´s last blog ..Blades between my toes
Mar 11, 2010
Darling, I am a firm believer that everything happens for a reason regardless of whether we like it or not.
You did what you could, you are NOT a failure, in fact that’s quite the epic trip that you took. Instead of focusing on the negative (although being the uber over-protective aunt myself I know how you feel) focus on the positive instead.
Not only that, even though I am not a runner I will gladly sport a tutu for the simple fact that I need an excuse to wear one
Stephanie´s last blog ..PLEASE VOTE!
Mar 11, 2010
I think it is awesome that you went and seriously child wrangling for seven days on little to no sleep-that’s a whole different kind of marathon. Not one to take lightly either.
I am sure Tanner is proud….I know I am.
(((hugs))))
domestic extraordinaire´s last blog ..Weekly Winners-My baby sister is engaged Edition
Mar 12, 2010
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Mar 12, 2010
Why don’t you avenge that race and do the Mississauga Half Marathon with me on May 16th?
Janice @ Fitness Cheerleader ´s last blog ..If Trayce Can Do It, Then So Can You!
Mar 14, 2010
I am just now getting to read this, and let me add my voice to the chorus of congratulations, pride and admiration.
A good friend of mine is a widow raising a child whose father died on the finish line of a marathon he felt he had to run.
You totally made the right call.
Sierra Black´s last blog ..The Weekly Links
Mar 18, 2010
You do not suck. You rock. Your blog is still one of my all time favorites. The kind I read for the insights. The writing. The humanity.
What can we do to help? We, meaning your readers, including me, but also possibly the Bloganthropy organization?
You run marathons every day.
You don’t have to do it all alone.
I wanna help.
Candace @Bloganthropy´s last blog ..Bloggers Make Valentines for Veterans and Provide Sew Much Comfort
Her Bad Mother Reply:
March 22nd, 2010 at 8:57 pm
I’m going to take you up on this. Can I do that? I’m totally going to do that. Because, everything that you say here? YES.
Thank you.
Mar 20, 2010
I think the fact that you were willing to push yourself to the point of your body shutting up shop and saying ‘nup. not happening’ (by way of dizzy spells and the like) will be what Tanner (and everyone else remembers)
Zoey @ Good Goog´s last blog ..Stop Crying Your Heart Out
Mar 25, 2010
[...] his cousins to Disney and introduce them to his favorite characters (that he could not join them at DisneyWorld was hard for him), to take a trip on a train, to swim with dolphins, to meet an astronaut – [...]