Woe, Is Me
I get hate mail. Not as much as Dooce, I’m guessing, but enough. I get hateful e-mail – and comments, and Facebook messages, and tweets – about how depressing I am, about how I’m exploiting my children, about how I whine too much, about how I’m encouraging women to take anti-depressants and so contributing to the global drug problem, about how it’s terrible and selfish of me to look for my long-lost brother, about how nobody wants to hear about my Frankenvulva, about how I’m setting the feminist movement back by complaining about motherhood, about how I should just stop writing about my grief over the death of my father already, about how I only write about Tanner to get attention for myself, about how I’m an attention-whore who really should just shut up already, because, please.
I get correspondence that addresses one or another or some combination of those issues and others left unmentioned with some regularity. It’s why I sometimes close comments; it’s why I sometimes just don’t look at my e-mail: because I know that at some point I’m going to read something really hateful. Something like this:
You seem to love to play the role of martyr. The world is always out to get you, whether it’s for nursing, having a blog, neglecting your kids, or just generally “being”, right? It’s always someone else’s fault, according to you. Your “woe is me” tone is getting pretty sickening. Woe is you because you don’t get enough sleep. Because your kids drive you to “need alcohol” regularly. Because there’s not enough Ativan in the world. Because your girly bits got mangled giving birth. Because your husband finally had the brains to cut his son’s hair so he didn’t look like a daughter. OH EM GEE, ITS ZE END OF THE WORLD.
But then on the other hand, you try to champion for women’s rights, and how women are strong and awesome. Except you whine all the damn time. Your kids are your constant source of whining; that is, until someone insults motherhood and then you’re ready with a pitchfork and torches because you’re so proud of it. How are you proud of something you constantly bitch about?
You capitalize on your kids, there’s no way around that. You use them for your own financial gain, just like you did when your dad died. Let’s see the revenue jump from blog ads when people were coming to your blog when that post went up. Never mind that you didn’t take care of him when he was alive. Never mind that he was alone when he died. How many days did he lay there alone? But you miss him so much, right? And love him so much? Yeah, as long as it makes you money.
And your project for your dying nephew is just as bogus. “Tutus for Tanner”? FYI: Tanner’s a boy. You really went with tutus? [ed. note: Tutus for Tanner is not my project, although I do whole-heartedly support it, obviously] Oh right, its all about you, not him. And then your first idea is to take your kids and your friend and her kid down to Disney, without the boy this is supposedly all “for,” all on someone else’s dollar in the name of your nephew? You want to do something to help your dying nephew? Drive yourself out THERE to see him with your kids. Raise money to help with research for a cure. [ed. note: donations to organizations I'm supporting with 100 Miles For Tanner can be made at the project's main page] But that’s not as fun, right? That’s not Disney and sparkles and tutus with your kids for free, so why do it?
You honestly make me sick. Keep making money off your dead dad, your dying nephew and your kids. Keep taking trips for free while your 15 minutes are still here, because eventually, people are going to see the scum money grubbing famewhore that lies underneath the fake exterior, and you’ll be yesterday’s news. Here’s hoping that’s sooner than later. Go take another Ativan, cause that’s how you cope, right?
God, it’s awesome being a mom-blogger.
You wonder why I get testy about mom-bloggers – about women who blog, generally, who share their stories and open up the space of discourse for these narratives, for our narratives – being dismissed or belittled or snickered at or even just being called ‘charming’? Because of this. Because I am not alone in this. Because, for some reason, us telling our stories – us telling those stories, us making a living telling those stories – is regarded by some – many? – as vile and reprehensible and toxic and because those some – those many? – would have us shut up. Because as women, as mothers, as women-who-are-mothers and women-who-are-not-mothers, we are still denied a voice by those who think that our stories should only be shared behind closed doors, behind the veil of privacy, in secret, in whispers.
Because this sucks, that anyone thinks that it’s okay to tell any one of us what kinds of stories we can tell, and how, and under what terms. Because although one might think that hate mail is just what comes from exposing one’s life in the public sphere, that someone like me should be prepared to just suck it up as part of the cost of doing this, of telling these stories, I say no, no, it’s not; no, it shouldn’t be; no, I shouldn’t have to. I think that it’s sexist and it’s hateful, and it doesn’t matter whether that kind of mail comes more from women or from men – I’m pretty sure that this one came from a woman – it’s still a sign of a bigger problem, of a more serious ill.
Our voices aren’t free so long as we’re subjected to hate when we raise them. But I don’t know what to do, other than to keep writing, and to keep taking the blows, and to hope that I – that all of us – can outlast and outspeak the hate.
Is that enough?
(My reaction to the Tanner-specific hate is over at Their Bad Mother. I’ll just say here that this came at a bad time, and that there were many tears last night.)
Posted by Her Bad Mother on March 17, 2010
Filed under: Being Bad, blogging
Tags: hate, hate-mail, misogyny, trolls
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."What is done out of love always takes place beyond good and evil." (Nietzsche, Aphorism 153, Beyond Good And Evil.) Not, unfortunately, beyond Dora dolls that shout 'WE DID IT!' when you step on them, but you learn to cope with that.
About me...
© 2010 • Her Bad Mother • All Rights Reserved
Mar 17, 2010
That letter made me cry. Because there is so much vile hate in this world. Because someone out there is so wounded that she would want to wound someone else in return. Because that angry, angry person may well be someone’s mother.
It’s a horrible cycle and nobody wins.
I’m sorry Catherine.
Mom101´s last blog ..Victory of the Spoon
Issa Reply:
March 17th, 2010 at 4:40 pm
I’d like to ditto what Liz just said. Even thought I already commented. Sigh.
Issa´s last blog ..Issa makes a cake…also see: Issa has lost her mind
Elizabeth (@claritychaos) Reply:
March 22nd, 2010 at 10:15 pm
I just don’t understand why someone who has that much anger and hate from reading your blog would CONTINUE TO READ YOUR BLOG?? Honestly, people. If you don’t like what you’re reading, click the effing X.
I’m sorry you have wound up as the punching bag for someone’s misplaced aggression. That sucks.
Elizabeth (@claritychaos)´s last blog ..on comfort zones and teaching our kids
Mar 17, 2010
Oh, honey. The fuckers.
People ask why I always air out and call attention to the hate, and it’s for all the reasons you say. That I shouldn’t have to bear it all alone. UG.
So sorry.
Her Bad Mother Reply:
March 18th, 2010 at 4:15 pm
I think that sometimes, we have to air it out. Expose it to the air and light and talk about it and be horrified by it and call it what it is: HATE.
So that we can fight it. I don’t think that there’s any other way.
Mar 17, 2010
I love that you posted this. I fully and completely agree with you. It’s just not okay. I get some and it makes me sad. I can’t imagine how much of it you receive. It’s just horrible the things that people will say to a stranger, especially if the person has posted something personal and hard. Somehow though, we keep doing what we do, despite them. Maybe sometimes in spite of them.
For what it’s worth? The person who wrote that, is a mean, spiteful fool. Someone who wishes that anyone cared what they had to say.
Issa´s last blog ..Issa makes a cake…also see: Issa has lost her mind
Mar 17, 2010
Ugh Catherine. I’m so sorry.
There are days when I am thrilled with the popularity that my blog has attained because it means I can make a difference.
There are other days when I feel like calling it quits because I can’t handle the craptastic and unfair accusations of others. And that is just from the ones who say it out loud. I don’t even want to know what others might be thinking and not saying.
The traffic/ad revenue one makes me cringe and laugh at the same time. Every hour I spend on my blog, I’m not spending on my other business. My other business makes an awful lot more money, but the blog helps me feel like I’m making a difference for someone. I do it for that, not for the negative revenue that it generates.
Annie @ PhD in Parenting´s last blog ..Does the world see moms the same way the New York Times does?
Annie @ PhD in Parenting Reply:
March 17th, 2010 at 4:49 pm
I should also say that my hate mail is not nearly at the level of what you described above. I’m appalled that anyone would have the nerve to write something that like.
Annie @ PhD in Parenting´s last blog ..Does the world see moms the same way the New York Times does?
Mandy Reply:
March 17th, 2010 at 5:22 pm
The nerve to write it anonymously. *sigh*
Mandy´s last blog ..Exposition
Annie @ PhD in Parenting Reply:
March 17th, 2010 at 5:36 pm
The nerve to write it anonymously and the nerve to write it at all. What gives people the idea that they have the right to attack people that way whether they do it to their face or not.
Annie @ PhD in Parenting´s last blog ..Does the world see moms the same way the New York Times does?
ParentopiaDevra Reply:
March 18th, 2010 at 12:30 pm
A side not on “anonymous” comments on blogs. Aviva and I once received a hateful vile comment on our blog. It was an ad hominem attack and vicious and outrageous. Defamatory, you name it. What the commenter must have forgotten is she had commented previously on the same post As HERSELF, which meant her IP was recorded in our stats. It only took seconds to know exactly who it was behind The Hate. We weren’t surprised at the source as we were plenty aware of her reputation and tactics- she had done this before to other bloggers. She may think she’s getting away with something by registering as “anonymous” but often these folks are anything but.
Instead of wasting any more time on her, we went hopped right on “Route Mom-101″ and determined she must not have a very happy home circumstance, or successful business, to be able to spend so much of her time online stalking blogs and writing vitriol.
It’s human nature if we have 500 wonderful comments, we will focus on the one that tells us we suck, but my advice to Catherine, and anyone else, is concentrate on the positive, go back and reread positive comments and emails. Use your energy finding The Love to restore yourself.
Her Bad Mother Reply:
March 18th, 2010 at 4:18 pm
This e-mail wasn’t entirely anonymous. There was a name on it. Not one I recognized, and not necessarily a real one, but still. And the person who came after me on Facebook wasn’t anonymous. AND so many of the others who send me mail about getting over my grief or mad at me for looking for my brother aren’t anonymous either. But they have the veil of the screen, keeping them at a remove, so it makes it easier to be cruel. They don’t have to see my face.
Mar 17, 2010
I don’t even know what to say. It APPALLS me that someone feels it necessary to say these things to someone, ESPECIALLY a MOM, who shares her stories.
However we tell our stories, we will tell them. Don’t let this little nobody get to you. There will always be trolls (I’d say “critics” but they don’t warrant the use of that word, they are just simply scum) who try to knock the good down.
Don’t.
Let.
Them.
Carrie´s last blog ..OLD…and short
Mar 17, 2010
I find this incredibly appalling. I do NOT want to believe you have to deal with THAT regularly.
I am so sad for this. And I must ask- do these people email you anonymously or do they sign their (legit) names? I don’t know which would be worse, really.
Steph
Adventures In Babywearing´s last blog ..little voices in my head
Kate Reply:
March 17th, 2010 at 5:01 pm
I was thinking the same things just as I read Steph’s comment – was this email anonymous or was this person bold enough to actually use her name?
And for disliking your “whiny” blog so much, she sure knows a lot about it. You’d think if she disliked you so much, she’d stop reading.
Just bizarre. Sorry you’ve had to deal with this.
Kate´s last blog ..Disposable
Jessica Reply:
March 17th, 2010 at 7:57 pm
“And for disliking your “whiny” blog so much, she sure knows a lot about it. You’d think if she disliked you so much, she’d stop reading.”
I was just thinking the same thing.
Catherine, I am so sorry you have to deal with this. I can only think that the writer must be so sad and miserable that the only way she can even interact with others is to try and make them hurt as much as she does.
Jessica´s last blog ..Pride and Prejudice and Zombies: Dawn of the Dreadfuls — A Review
Her Bad Mother Reply:
March 18th, 2010 at 4:19 pm
It was an email with a name, not one that I recognized, and I didn’t reply so I don’t know if it was real. But plenty of the stuff like this that I get is NOT anonymous. Much of it is, but more than you’d think is not.
Mar 17, 2010
Other than just being a generally disturbing letter on the whole, from someone whom I imagine is herself disturbed (for whatever reason), I don’t understand his/her obsession. Why does s/he keep coming back and reading more? If at all possible, I honestly feel more sorrow for the author of that note than I do for you in receiving such a nasty piece of mail.
Mandy´s last blog ..Exposition
Mar 17, 2010
it’s as if in front of her she had a laundry list of every one of your raw wounds and was checking them off like an SEO-expert as she rubbed them with alcohol.
I am so sorry.
Catherine, don’t forget what the wise Katherine Center said in the Defining a Movement video:
“But you must always remember this: What you’re doing matters. And you have to be brave with your life, so that others can be brave with theirs.”
Her Bad Mother Reply:
March 18th, 2010 at 4:20 pm
Katherine Center is a goddess. Thank you for reminding me of that statement.
Mar 17, 2010
You know that little red X up in the corner of the screen? That person who wrote that email needs a lesson in how to use it. And maybe a swift kick in the pants.
Of all the things I associate your blog with, whiny isn’t one of them. Smart, funny, heartbreaking, frustrated, opinionated and thoughtful. That’s what comes to mind when I read your words. I cannot begin to tell you how many times I’ve referenced your blog when talking to others, how often I come back and re-read what you’ve said and pass posts along to other people. You have, in my opinion, one of the best blogs out there. Not one of the best mommy-blogs (and sweet jebus, I am starting to HATE that word) but one of the best blogs, full stop.
The bile that some people feel it’s ok to spew at others is really astounding at times. I’m so sorry you’re on the receiving end of so much of it.
Major Bedhead´s last blog ..And Just Like That…
Mar 17, 2010
If people don’t like what you are writing, why would they read it? I guess that is the biggest thing I don’t understand, they are making the choice to keep reading, even though they don’t like what you are saying… smart.
The point of a personal blog is it is personal.
Erin´s last blog ..101 in 1001 – the Day Zero project
Mar 17, 2010
How interesting that a person so filled with disgust at what you post seems to know the topics that you write about so well. Obviously they follow you (and have done) for quite awhile. Why would they bother if this blog upset them so much?
She’s obviously got some issues and I know that it’s not likely you can just brush this crap email off but I do hope you try.
I agree with Mom101. It’s terrible to think that this person may well be a mother herself. I feel for her kids if that’s true.
I know this is trite to say but I think through the hate I spied a fair amount of jealousy. I really do think she’s jealous of you.
Marilyn @ A Lot of Loves´s last blog ..Makeover!! : Wednesday of Few Words
Mar 17, 2010
When did people stop using the if you can not say nice do not say anything at all? Or do people not think that rule applies on the internet?
I believe in karma so that person will get the nasty back that they give to you.
Mandi Bone´s last blog ..Sick
Mar 17, 2010
Oh, Catherine. I’m so sorry. I know you personally and I know that you are one of the sweetest people out there and…sigh.
The problem with us putting our lives online is that people think it gives them the right to draw conclusions and judge us.
Swat it to the ground, and walk away.
xoxo
Angella´s last blog ..My Side Of The Story
Mar 17, 2010
I know exactly who wrote that. And she is a fucking lunatic. And I would say that right to her face, if only she were here, so I could punch it.
You know and I know and everyone else who knows her knows that she represents all that is loathsome and hateful and ill, and I am so angry right now I am shaking. How dare she. How dare anyone write something like that. How unhappy do you have to be, how miserable, to play upon someone’s personal losses like that. I have never seen anything like it, and maybe that’s some consolation–you’ve been attacked by the absolute fucking bottom of the barrel.
I am so, so, so sorry it had to be you. Of course it makes sense. Get the person who’s the most vulnerable.
Oh my god.
Alice´s last blog ..They just kissed, you guys.
Her Bad Mother Reply:
March 17th, 2010 at 4:56 pm
I wondered whether it might be her, but the e-mail is not directly traceable to her (it bears another name, although I suspect that it’s a fake account), so I wasn’t sure. The her of whom you speak was on me on Facebook last night, publicly, so I wondered why she’d bother being anonymous on e-mail.
Anyway. It’s just pure evil either way.
Alice Reply:
March 17th, 2010 at 5:04 pm
It’s definitely her. The wording is similar to stuff she wrote on CleverTitleTK. It happened right after you blocked her. It’s got her grimy fingerprints all over it.
Didn’t someone else have it out with her recently and discovered that she had a criminal record? I have to look into that…
Alice´s last blog ..They just kissed, you guys.
Issa Reply:
March 17th, 2010 at 5:27 pm
It sounds like the same person. The same, hateful person who has been sending emails like this for years, who has called CPS and the cops on more people than I can count, who has run off some really amazing bloggers. Yet, for some reason, she keeps reading. Four years later and she’s still reading. Jealous would be my guess. Doesn’t make it okay though.
Issa´s last blog ..Issa makes a cake…also see: Issa has lost her mind
Annie @ PhD in Parenting Reply:
March 17th, 2010 at 5:44 pm
Oh the CPS threat…those are fun. Love having people threaten to call CPS because I happen to dedicate the time when my kids are sleeping to blogging about issues I care about.
Annie @ PhD in Parenting´s last blog ..Does the world see moms the same way the New York Times does?
Her Bad Mother Reply:
March 18th, 2010 at 4:21 pm
It’s not her, or so she claims. Has been sending me mail shouting all kinds of vitriol, accusing me of encouraging people to believe that it’s her. Is AWESOME.
Mar 17, 2010
I’m pretty amazed by Mom101’s reply because, honestly, I wasn’t thinking about the anonymous hate-writer’s feelings or past hurts. All I could think was, “what is WRONG with some people? Why do some people think they have the right to reach out and sucker punch another person? Why?” Apparently, there is a *lot* wrong with that hate-filled person, and hopefully he or she is able to seek help for it in a healthier way than taking it out on innocent people.
I’m sorry for the crap you have to put up with, Catherine, merely for writing about your beliefs, feelings and life. It’s not right. Just know that for every hater out there, there are a hundred more people who love you.
Lynn @ Walking With Scissors´s last blog ..It’ll feel better in the end… (Alternate title: “That’s What SHE Said!”)
Mom101 Reply:
March 18th, 2010 at 11:57 am
Healthy, well-adjusted people don’t write anonymous hate mail.
They walk among us!
It makes me sad.
Mom101´s last blog ..Victory of the Spoon
Her Bad Mother Reply:
March 18th, 2010 at 4:21 pm
She’s pretty obviously fucked up, I think.
Mar 17, 2010
Douchebag. Ass. Monkeys.
Screw em lovely, because you know what indignant comments like that are fueled by sheer jealously and little else.
Its easy to say don’t let it get to you, so I won’t because dealing with some of the same issues via my own blog I can’t even begin to fathom how I would feel should someone say something like that to me. I would most likely take them out and I’m not talking about dinner…
Stay true to yourself, that’s all that matters!
Stephanie´s last blog ..Disjointed fragments
Mar 17, 2010
Even though I don’t actually know you, I feel like i know you for years through your great blog. My heart goes out to you for having to read hatemail like this – especially at a time of personal hardship. Don’t pay it any heed.
My favourite part of the hatemail is, “How are you proud of something you constantly bitch about?” In addition to my kids I would personally add to this list: my post-graduate degree, my job, my garden, my husband, my dog, and my Mediterranean heritage (love the food, will whine about having to sahve my legs twice a day until the day i die!).
Keep up the good – and honest – work!!
Mar 17, 2010
Simply reading that email brought tears to my eyes, especially the parts about your Dad and Tanner – I’m so sorry.
It makes me even sicker to realize that this person is probably reveling in the attention…so freaking sad.
Mar 17, 2010
I truly do not understand why people feel the need to spew that kind of hate. I can only assume that they feel so bad about themselves that they must take it out on someone else.
I don’t often comment, but I enjoy your writing very much. I can relate to a lot of what you’re dealing with, espcially the death of family members. It helps to know that I’m not alone.
Keep doing what you do so well and try not to let the haters get to you.
Mar 17, 2010
Keep writing. Keep fighting the good fight. They are your stories. Your stories. To share, keep, and own.
Mar 17, 2010
I think this would have been a whole lot more effective for cleansing of the soul if you had published the douchecanoe’s name.
I know the argument can be said that it’s not worth it, blah, blah, blah, but sometimes a person (or in this case, a douchecanoe) needs a smack on the nose with a newspaper (or rather, a blog post) so they can learn what they did was WRONG. Like a puppy. Only bigger.
Perhaps I’m bitter and jaded from my own tired pile of hate mail sitting in my inbox but also because I’m fiercely protective of those I love.
Which, in this case, would be you.
And not the douchecanoe.
Tanis Miller, RNM´s last blog ..What a Girl Wants
Her Bad Mother Reply:
March 18th, 2010 at 4:22 pm
They’d probably only revel in the attention. Posting their letter was attention enough.
Mar 17, 2010
The joy of anonymity makes some people feel as if they can speak with impunity. I have received a ton of hate mail and threats to myself and my family.
The threats always come when I blog about politics. Anyhoo, we are all different in how we take things. Clearly you and I don’t know each other, but my two cents is simple.
Keep writing. If they don’t like what you write and are dumb enough to keep reading that’s their problem. it just means that you own some real estate in their head. And best of all, it is rent free.
Jack´s last blog ..Words on a Page
Mar 17, 2010
Oh Cat, my love.
I’m so sorry.
Keep going. Ditto to Cecily, and Liz and Meg.
Yes. Keep going.
Loves to you.
Mar 17, 2010
I don’t have anything deep. I just want to say that I’m really sorry that exists in this world. I’m really sorry you had to open it and read it.
anymommy´s last blog ..Too Much
Bridget Reply:
March 18th, 2010 at 4:26 pm
ditto.
Bridget´s last blog ..I’m the grown-up here.
Mar 17, 2010
If this person is who I think she is and that you and Alice are referring to, from what I understand she’s been pulled due to a lawsuit since she harasses a lot of bloggers and it always goes too far? I hope she gets what she deserves.
My stomach churned reading that and I can’t even imagine how I’d feel if it were directed at me. I’m just so so sorry.
Her Bad Mother Reply:
March 18th, 2010 at 4:23 pm
Not her. But someone on the level of evil, obviously.
Mar 17, 2010
Am still trying to pick my jaw up off the floor. Oh my gosh. The note says more about the person who write it than anything else. (Looks like they’ve got alot of anger and took it out on you.) Am so very sorry you got a letter like this. My heart hurts for you. Please don’t take any of that seriously. Not for a split second!
Mar 17, 2010
one of the (few) reasons I almost quit blogging recently was because of hate mail that I received. That was directed at my children. Someone out there hates my children and loves to email me to tell me how awful they are. Talk about hurting my heart.
Sorry you have to deal with such hatred. So sorry.
Y´s last blog ..Mom 2.0 Auction is Live!
Her Bad Mother Reply:
March 18th, 2010 at 4:24 pm
xoxoxoxoxo
Mar 17, 2010
As if we aren’t hard enough on our selves…
Toxic.
Mar 17, 2010
Funny, this discussion is going on over at @MaggieDammit too. I’m amazed at the number of people out there who think it is their number one job in life to continually take the inventory of other people. That’s usually a sign that they’re so deep in denial of their own issues that the only way they can comfortably survive is to tear other people down.
I don’t see personal blogging as anything different than, say, publishing an autobiography. And yet somehow I don’t picture this asshole as sitting down and penning a poison letter to Nancy Reagan or Erma Bombeck. For some reason, this nutbag has decided to give you their focus. Its a little unnerving, and entirely hateful. I’m so sorry to see anyone be on the receiving end of that kind of vileness, but more than that I’m pissed off as hell that someone would take jabs at Tanner and the efforts that are being made by you and countless others to raise MD awareness. That’s about as sick and low as they come.
Mary P (BarnMaven)´s last blog ..Sunday Scatology
Her Bad Mother Reply:
March 18th, 2010 at 4:24 pm
“I don’t see personal blogging as anything different than, say, publishing an autobiography. And yet somehow I don’t picture this asshole as sitting down and penning a poison letter to Nancy Reagan or Erma Bombeck.”
Or to David Sedaris or any MALE memoirist. There’s a big element of sexism here, I think.
jdg Reply:
March 20th, 2010 at 7:03 pm
I am MALE and get the same sort of thing. It’s the medium, not a gender issue.
jdg´s last blog ..Stalemates
Her Bad Mother Reply:
March 22nd, 2010 at 8:26 pm
You’re totally right, of course. It *is* the medium. Am just feeling sensitive about, you know, the WIMMIN issue after all that NYT stuff.
Mar 17, 2010
SO wrong on SO many levels… but let’s just start on a basic human level. I know this kind of stuff goes on, but… it is impossible to believe. Utterly impossible.
It is beyond my mind’s comprehension, and it is absolutely heartbreaking how evil, yes EVIL this correspondence was. From a black heart intent on destruction. I am truly sorry your heart was subjected to such vile words and corrupt soul.
jennyonthespot´s last blog ..Beauty IS as Beauty is Made to Be (a.k.a Natural Beauty, Schnatural Beauty, Let’s bring Sexy Back!)
Mar 17, 2010
I was on usenet when my Dad died. He and I did not have the ideal relationship. Due to too much vodka and a lot of flailing about, I posted my real relationship with him in one of the newsgroups. I got a lot of sympathy. But 6 months later some cretins came along and blasted me for blasting my father.
When I started a blog I thought about that because I was still going through the aftermath (and always will) of losing a parent. Did I invite the criticism and ill will? I posted the story anyway.
Suzy´s last blog ..It Has Been Brought To My Attention That I’m Not As Funny As I Think I Am
Her Bad Mother Reply:
March 18th, 2010 at 4:25 pm
(((hugs)))
Mar 17, 2010
Whilst I read you almost daily (although I don’t comment because I have some sort of inability to leave coherent comments), I don’t “know” you or run in the same blogosphere related circles as you – but I’m still a member of the same community – the one that gets trashed almost daily. At this point, I don’t care. I know enough to know that I love you for saying this and all the other things you do on a daily basis, and for not standing down in the face of what has to be a lot of vitriolic feedback.
Thank you Catherine.
Mar 17, 2010
Wow. That is some serious vitriol. I always wonder about the backgrounds of the people that can say these things with such conviction, as if they’re so sure of who you are, so sure of who they themselves are, so sure of what’s right and wrong and authentic. I imagine them, in general, to be a certain way. I may or may not be right. Either way, it’s disgusting. I’m sorry you were the object of that shit.
Alicia @ bethsix´s last blog ..To Archer Gene, 10 Months
Mar 17, 2010
Mean people suck.
Rita Arens´s last blog ..Burying the Bad Stuff
Mar 17, 2010
Holy crap. I mean … wow.
It sucks when people who simply disagree with you take it too far. I’m also a fellow “antidepressant pusher”. I’ve had people write internet articles that say I’m addicted to drugs, that my blog is paid for by the pharmaceutical industry and that I want all mothers to be diagnosed with postpartum depression and drugged forever. They spread those complete falsehoods far and wide simply because they disagree with me. These are articles that will never go away. Articles that my children could someday read.
On any given day we have the power to help others. To share our truth. And to bring light to darkness. I’ve decided I’m not going to stop just because someone is mean to me, and I know you won’t either. Keep letting your light shine, sister.
Katherine from Postpartum Progress Reply:
March 17th, 2010 at 5:21 pm
And one other thing, and I probably shouldn’t say it, but it sounds like this person could really use an antidepressant.
I’m just sayin’.
Katherine from Postpartum Progress´s last blog ..LA County Perinatal Mental Health Task Force Featured in LA Times
Her Bad Mother Reply:
March 18th, 2010 at 4:25 pm
Xanax would do nicely, I think.
Katherine from Postpartum Progress Reply:
March 18th, 2010 at 5:22 pm
Precisely.
Mar 17, 2010
Does this bitch not realize how many people you HELP by being so open and candid about things many of people are scared to talk about?
Seriously, what a HUGE HUGE HUGE douche bag. I feel sorry for someone filled with so much hate. But not sorry enough to junk-punch her.
LOVE TO YOU! Keep doing what you are doing!!
XOXO!!
Allison Zapata´s last blog ..Four years and counting…
Mar 17, 2010
Only someone mentally unhinged could write something so vile and hateful. Sane people walk away if they don’t like someone.
I hope writing the post was at least a little cathartic.
Susan Getgood´s last blog ..Blog with Integrity news
Her Bad Mother Reply:
March 18th, 2010 at 4:26 pm
It was cathartic. It made the mail less scary, less ominous, to shake it out in the daylight.
Mar 17, 2010
People who follow you just to spew forth such vile diatribes aren’t people at all. Sure they wear the same shell but the part of them capable of love and support has been sucked dry (probably due to their own actions). What a miserable world that writer must live in and I’m truly sorry she took it out on you.
katie | motherbumper´s last blog ..She gives me this look no less than forty times per day. Apparently I deserve all the sass in the world.
Mar 17, 2010
that terrible email/comment is almost verbatim (but fill in the blanks where it pertains to my life/losses/whatever)to one I got recently when discussing my wrestling with the notion of my father living with his new girl friend after my mother being gone for only 6 months – the nerve I have for still grieving! and why I have of written ANYTHING of substance in ages because I just can’t deal with the hate it seems to produce
I don’t understand why they do it
Kathryn´s last blog ..anthropomorphisings-R-us!!
Her Bad Mother Reply:
March 18th, 2010 at 4:29 pm
Grief seems to bring out a lot of hate, and I just can’t understand why.
Mar 17, 2010
What does the letter writer get out of writing that kind of hatred down and devastating someone else with it? I hope that person can sleep at night knowing they are perfect in everyone’s eyes, right? Bullshit.
If that were me getting those letters, I think I’d probably quit giving my email out. That viciousness shouldn’t be borne alone.
Andrea (@shutterbitch)´s last blog ..The Ride of a Lifetime
Her Bad Mother Reply:
March 18th, 2010 at 4:30 pm
That person is probably a sociopath, and sleeps just fine.
Mar 17, 2010
Really, I have no words. But I want to say something opposite to that hateful spew sitting up there.
I guess there will always be people who attribute to everyone else around the hatefulness that is in themselves. They can’t believe anyone would act out of a better motive than the slimy self interestedness curled at the center of their hearts and will always resent those who have the success they covet and can’t understand how they are unable to have it, esp. in relationships, because they can’t see that not everyone is as black inside as they are.
I sometimes wish reading you that we lived close enough for you to stop for tea, and so I could volunteer to watch your kids for a while so you could sleep. Now I just wish I could give you a hug.
carrien (she laughs at the days)´s last blog ..7 Quick Takes Friday
Her Bad Mother Reply:
March 18th, 2010 at 4:30 pm
I would take that hug
Mar 17, 2010
So, I ran that dumbass hate letter thru the Google language translator, and it came out the other side all:
“I AM JEALOUS OF SUCCESSFUL BLOGGERS. Most especially of the brave, intelligent ones who write really well.”
I know it’s got to be over-the-top painful to read stuff like that, but please do consider the source. You are an incredible human being and a wonderful writer; you inspire people (and not just women-people) to help themselves, to offer a hand, and to share their experiences. And the writer of that letter? What, exactly is she doing for anyone when she goes on the attack like that?
yeah.
exactly.
jenijen´s last blog ..In a world that keeps on pushin me around, but I’ll stand my ground. And I won’t back down.
Mar 17, 2010
Oh I’m so sorry for that. I’ve gotten my share of hate mail and I haven’t been so brave as you to be forward about it. All I did was add my husband as a writer on my blog so he can approve comments. That way he sees the hate and gets rid of it without me knowing. It’s kind of the cowardly solution. Maybe I’ll take a page out of your book and be more brave.
TopHat´s last blog ..Not an Issue
Mar 17, 2010
Jesus H. Christ.
Right there is an example of why it takes great courage to do what you’re doing. To do what so many of us are doing.
Catherine, I’m so sorry. I know that true, dear friendship doesn’t undo the hurt caused by hatred like that, but I hope you know how lucky I feel to have you as a friend – a friend I wouldn’t have without blogging.
Julie @ The Mom Slant´s last blog ..Politicians make me feel like a better person
Mar 17, 2010
I love you. I’ve loved you ever since I discovered your Bad Mother Manifesto. And, in keeping with my own bad-motherhood, I have never read another so-called mommy-blog and do not plan to start. Anybody who hates you hates all women (and there are more than a few of that type out there). I’m sorry you are a target for such bullshit.
Mar 17, 2010
I know that airing out these horrible things may encourage assholes like that, but never be afraid to share them with us. At least then, in a small way, we can all stand shoulder to shoulder with you and help you stand tall and keep on keeping on. For every horrible comment you get remember that there are people out here standing by you. Unfortunately, it doesn’t make them go away.
I’ll never understand people like this. Something about the anonymity of the internet really brings out the worst in the hordes of stupid humanity. If you don’t like it and don’t want to read it, GET THE FUCK OUT!
Jamie´s last blog ..post night two recap
Mar 17, 2010
How someone could say such awful things to anyone is beyond me. I’m so sorry you were sent that and have to deal with hate mail.
Rest assured, there is a special place in hell for people like that. My faith might be shaky in other areas, but it is rock solid in that regard.
Amy @ The Bitchin’ Wives Club´s last blog ..Not Another Post About That NY Times Article…
Mar 17, 2010
That letter has nothing to do with you. At all. NOTHING. AT. ALL.
First of all, people see what they want to see. Bitter, angry people are going to find something to be bitter and angry about. Rather than look at themselves and addressing the real issue, they look outside and shit on everything in sight. Because they’re cowards and because they don’t have the balls to look within to see the real source of their pain. And to these sad souls, it feels good to inflict pain–it deflects from their own. I’m sure you know all this, but I really want to emphasize/remind you this this hatred has nothing to do with you. AT ALL.
By the way, have you read Eckhart Tolle’s “A New Earth”? It may sound too “out there” to some, but it really, really, really helped me in dealing with stuff like this. In a very common sense way, it really explained what this vitriol really is (egos feeding themselves), and made it much more easy for me to let all that BS go. I highly recommend it!
Also, I think that just about everything on the internet is subject to some degree of disproportionate outrage. Honestly, have you seen the comment section on a run-of-the-mill article on Yahoo!? It’s nuts. The anonymity makes it all too easy. So I think that while so-called mommy blogs manage to field a lot of crap, they’re not alone. It’s just that they are more personal and therefore more vulnerable.
Anyway, sorry for rambling. I just really felt for you after reading this and wanted to reach out with a virtual pep talk and hug.
Check out “A New Earth” if you haven’t! You’ll thank me!
Amber´s last blog ..Confident Mom Interview #3: Lenore Skenazy of Free-Range Kids
Her Bad Mother Reply:
March 18th, 2010 at 4:31 pm
Thanks for the recommendation; I’ll check it out
Mar 17, 2010
It is so easy to give an opinion when hiding behind a lap top! Especially easy when it is something rude or negative. Writing an open blog puts you out there and maybe you know you have ‘made it’ in blogdom when you get hate notes? I know the blogger on http://www.mckmama.com gets her fair share of rude comments and hate mail too.
Andrea from Mama in the City´s last blog ..Showing Gratitude
Mar 17, 2010
Oh Catherine, Saying such awful things should be against the law. Honestly, if a child received a note from another child with such hatred, I would think there would be serious consequences.
I don’t blog because I don’t feel that I am that creative. I also have thin skin. Seeing such vitriol affirms my belief that I am not strong enough to deal with the scum.
Know that that person is seriously deranged. I really worry for her children if she has them. Stay strong, and keep blogging. We all appreciate that you shared her b/s. I hope that you will sleep better tonight after sharing and hearing all of our comments.
Mar 17, 2010
Who is the fucktard? Seriously. Let me at him/her/it.
xoxo
K
katie | motherbumper Reply:
March 17th, 2010 at 6:30 pm
Listen to the man. He sounds smart.
katie | motherbumper´s last blog ..She gives me this look no less than forty times per day. Apparently I deserve all the sass in the world.
Kami Reply:
March 18th, 2010 at 12:52 pm
I like the word fucktard. I think I’ll use it in my next blog post!
Kami´s last blog ..Grounded
Tanis Miller, RNM Reply:
March 18th, 2010 at 9:39 pm
No, you won’t use it for your next post. Cuz I wrote an entire post about why words like that hurt. May I suggest douchecanoe as an alternative??
Tanis Miller, RNM´s last blog ..Why I’m too cool for the iPhone
Her Bad Mother Reply:
March 18th, 2010 at 4:31 pm
LOVE YOU.
Mar 17, 2010
Oh. My. God.
I normally keep my mouth shut about things like this, for a whole slew of reasons–but I just have to say something here. C, this person? People like this person? They are incredibly sick. How appalling, to have such a lack of self-awareness that you obsess over another person so much, stranger or not. The incredible gall, the outstanding self-righteousness, the hypocrisy! I am honestly aghast.
You know what? I’m gonna pray for this person. For this sad, pitiful person and his/her obviously empty insides.
I don’t know what else to say. Love to you, C.
Maggie, dammit´s last blog ..Who do I think I am?
aidel Reply:
March 17th, 2010 at 9:51 pm
Pray all you want but it won’t do a damn bit of good. If you know who this wackaloon is, then banish him/her from the ENTIRE BLOGGING COMMUNITY, over and over again, in all his/her different guises.
Her Bad Mother Reply:
March 18th, 2010 at 4:34 pm
We don’t know who it is. And for every one of her, there are so many more, if the evidence of my inbox alone is anything to go by.
Mar 17, 2010
I’m just starting out in the blogworld and one thing that terrifies me about it is haters. I’m afraid to tell personal stories or say inflammatory things (that I believe in) for fear of retaliation. But to see how you’ve dealt with this MEGAhater is inspiring for me. Thanks for being so much stronger and more graceful than I would have been. <3
Ellie Di´s last blog ..Wholestyle Icon: Sandra Bullock
Mar 17, 2010
Seriously? This person has nothing more to do in life than to tear someone else down? I love your blog, my heart goes out to you for your loss and your nephews illness, and you make me laugh, regularly. Please don’t take this shit to heart, there will always be someone raining on everyone’s parade. My thought is, why would you read a blog if you feel this way? This person obviously reads regularly, they know an awful lot about you, why not STOP READING! Blogging is something we all do, for our own reasons, you don’t need to justify to the idiots why you do what you do. Come over, we’ll have wine and whine together. Fuck the haters baby, you are better than that!
Carol´s last blog ..Slacker McFly!!
Her Bad Mother Reply:
March 18th, 2010 at 4:35 pm
And I would drink it all up. Thanks, lady
Mar 17, 2010
The sad thing is that if this had been sent to me, I would know who wrote it. It is my experience that people who don’t write do not understand those who do.
They don’t understand that the way we cope is by writing and that the way we “figure things out” is by writing.
I’m sorry that any person feels they have the right to be so personal and so insulting and so rude. I mean, if s/he doesn’t like your blog, s/he can close the window, you know?
Beth´s last blog ..Twelve Years Old
Mar 17, 2010
Catherine, as I’ve mentioned to you a time or two via email and comments here, as well as on my own blog (including my most recent post, oddly!), your lovely and fun pictures of your kids, especially the amazing child formerly known as WonderBaby
have gotten me thru more than a few rough patches at my previous job. So I personally am grateful for all you’ve shared with your readers of your life and your kids and your search for your brother, and all of it.
And that said, if a particular post doesn’t interest me, I just… move on. Sheesh, how hard is that, nasty troll-writer??
Gurukarm (@karma_musings)´s last blog ..I’m Not Going to BlogHer’10
Mar 17, 2010
Good lord! That made me cringe and want to hug a puppy! I can’t even fathom that level of meaness…
Thank you for sharing your stories, in spite of the spite.
Catherine´s last blog ..Pearfection or Brown Butter, why are you so delicious?
Mar 17, 2010
Just today I was wondering what people like this (and others who spew their idiocy not so anonymously on their blogs and twitter) would tell their kids about what they’re doing – when they’ve got them school or front of the tv or at daycare while they’re at work because how ridiculous does “Well, I’m taking away time from you or my job or washing dishes or whatever other waaaay more important things I SHOULD AND COULD BE DOING so I can write a nasty hate letter to another mom” or “I make money by antagonizing other moms on the internet – I make them feel bad for their choices and I laugh at them.”
How proud their kids will be. How sad and pathetic that existence must be.
Pity the fool.
madge Reply:
March 18th, 2010 at 9:36 am
TOTALLY.
I would 100% ditto this comment and the admonition for giving your hate mailer so much proverbial ink.
If I am at a point in my life when reading someone’s work is not enjoyable or frustrating to me, I stop reading them for a while. I am aware that a reaction I have to someone’s writing is entirely MINE. And, if I’m going to use my precious few minutes in the day to read blogs, I would be insane to choose blogs that irritate me.
Too bad nobody has invented a filter for irrational.
Mar 17, 2010
Catherine, I’ve received very similar comments from one particular reader. The thought process and lack of humanity that is required to go from reading a post to THINKING such things is mind-boggling to me, on its own, but then taking the time to write them down publicly? Amazing lack of empathy for another human being. Just amazing. And I, like you, am always wondering if I’m doing the right thing by blogging X, or by being a working mom, or by going to grad school, etc etc. I always wonder/worry if I’m doing the right thing about X, I’m always wondering if I really am a bad mom just a lilttle bit, so that when someone comes out and says YOU ARE A BAD MOM it just cuts me to the quick. It is precisely because we have those fears ourselves, have thought them late atnight after our kids are in bed, that those trolly comments can hurt us so. Your stories help get me through. It’s about community. Clearly your mean commenter doesn’t understand empathy, or what it might be like to find a like-minded person thinking the same thoughts as you, to make you feel less alone. It takes a special type of person to write such candid, personal, self-deprecating comments on the internet and sign one’s name to them. You are a hero. You are wonderful. And by not being anonymous, you are not a pussy. Your mean comment lady can suck it.
Mar 17, 2010
I don’t usually comment but I have to on this. I’m sorry someone sent that to you and sorry you had to read it. So incredibly hateful and nasty…and WRONG.
Mar 17, 2010
Wow. People suck.
Mar 17, 2010
I just don’t understand. I really don’t.
I’m so sorry that people can be so ugly.
Mar 17, 2010
I don’t understand how people can be so cruel.
I don’t understand where the disconnect is between what I see on these blogs (yours and others) and what they see. How can they not understand the simple fact that you can both love something deeply and complain about it and be frustrated by it? How can they not understand the concept of story-telling, of finding the humor or the sadness or other core feelings in a situation and pulling them out to share with others? How do they not understand the very basic human need to connect with people and share and compare and find things we all have in common and discover things that are different and interesting?
Either they are the most fulfilled people in the world, who have no more need to reach out and touch the lives of others and be touched by others, or they are the lonliest people in the world and they don’t even know it. I suspect the later, and that makes me sad.
I’m sorry you and others are subjected to this. Maybe when work frees up I will start a campaign of writting anti-hate mail to the bloggers I love. You deserve more positiveness to offset that sort of negativity being sent your way.
Anne´s last blog ..A New Header, Green Beer and Shoe Shopping
Mar 17, 2010
I’m not you but the pity I feel for someone who sees the world that way makes me sick to my stomach. A lot of people see someone in a wheelchair or what have you and then use that mentally to cheer themselves up…The ‘at least I can walk’ method. It’s rather an iffy method because it sort of projects onto someone and objectifies them–I am 100% sure there are plenty of disabled people who are vastly happier than non-disabled people–but it is also sort of human and understandable.
But I don’t do that–partly because I’m too negative and my mind never goes in that direction. Also, because I really think whatever sorrows I have are in my head anyway.
But when I read something like THIS, different story. I can’t imagine how horrible it would be to live as a person who takes that interpretation of another person. Who could take such a random bit of life information and spin into such a demented tale of human malfeasance.
I pretty much think the person that wrote you that email is the most miserable human being on earth. You can’t wish anything bad on such a person because it’s kind of obvious they must live such an unimaginable hell that there’s almost nothing worse you could do to them than hope they go on as they are. Seriously, reading this I THANK MY LUCKY STARS I can just live my life of quiet neuroses and am not boiling away in that sticky vat of bile. That makes normal unhappiness look like a cakewalk.
Mar 17, 2010
What a nasty, nasty note. So sorry that you have to deal with stuff like this. I wish there were some tool to filter out all the anonymous mean people on the internetz.
Natalie´s last blog ..Are you wearing green?
Mar 17, 2010
I like Jenijen’s comment:
So, I ran that dumbass hate letter thru the Google language translator, and it came out the other side all: “I AM JEALOUS OF SUCCESSFUL BLOGGERS. Most especially of the brave, intelligent ones who write really well.”
It is bloggers like you who have demonstrated the power of women’s stories, the power of sharing our voices online. Your words clearly move people, though I can’t imagine being moved in the way that letter-writer was.
kim/hormone-colored days´s last blog ..Why I Nearly Fainted at the Housewares Show
Mar 17, 2010
Wow. I can’t imagine having such an empty life and being so filled with anger and hate that I make the time to write that kind of spew.
I am so sorry that being open and honest has made you a target. You have many approving/supportive readers who never comment at all.
The hateful messages come from those who hate themselves. I wish there were a way to screen out all the crap. Don’t let them stop you from writing.
laurie´s last blog ..happy news
Mar 17, 2010
Grasp the First Amendment tightly–you don’t owe the trolls of the world anything. Nobody has a gun being held to his or her head, forcing them to read your blog. If you want to write, keep writing. Those of us who are interested in what you write will keep coming back. Tell the rest to fuck off.
Mar 17, 2010
I’m sorry you’re hurting. And I’m sorry this person hurts so much that she has to take her own pain out on you. It’s not your fault.
And now I’m going to yell at you. Because you basically let this person guest blog in your own home and you don’t need that. You are a good person, through and through, and I’m guessing that you’re posting this because in some small way you think you deserve to be yelled at. You don’t. I would tell you if you did. Privately and quietly. You would be getting all sorts of emails from friends sweetly telling you that you are fucking something up and my guess is that you haven’t gotten any of those emails because there’s nothing for you to fix. There’s nothing you should feel guilty for. There’s nothing you need to change. Except to never, ever promote the ideology of angry people who feel the need to hurt others. No wins in that scenario.
Sending you hugs and love and clarity. And xanax. Just say the word.
Jenny, Bloggess´s last blog ..I’m on a lot of painkillers
Kyran Reply:
March 17th, 2010 at 11:02 pm
Can I second this? You need people you can share this stuff with who can suck the poison out (and please, add me to that cc list), but my intuition is that we are giving this person a hate hard-on with all the attention. She is clearly in the grip of a shadow complex, and beyond shame.
I hope she gets help, and you get a good night’s rest. xo
Kyran´s last blog ..The Household Goddess
Dawn Reply:
March 17th, 2010 at 11:49 pm
I second that. Add a God-complex, a superiority complex and quite possibly a bad complexion (hate induced) and I think we have this person defined. Please do not let her neurosis cause you pain. It is seriously HER problem. You my dear, are lovely.
Dawn´s last blog ..Ch-ch-ch-changes
Dawn Reply:
March 17th, 2010 at 11:50 pm
OK, I can’t count. So…. I guess I third that. Or the motion carries. Or some shit like that.
Dawn´s last blog ..Ch-ch-ch-changes
Her Bad Mother Reply:
March 18th, 2010 at 9:44 am
I get a lot of this kind of thing, although this particular one – with its close summary of everything evil – is the worst. But it felt good to purge it, you know? Expose it to the light and air and let it sizzle away into dust. Like a vampire. Or something.
(Also? WORD.)
Mar 17, 2010
What I just don’t get is if somebody doesn’t like what you have to say, why don’t they just not read your blog anymore?
And if a commenter doesn’t have the balls to leave a name, then they don’t have the right to state their opinion. Otherwise it’s just bullying.
jennie w.´s last blog ..The curious case of the cupcake
Mar 17, 2010
Sometimes I imagine hell as the place where you get to experience first hand all the pain you’ve intentionally inflicted on others.
I like my version of hell.
I hardly ever comment but I commented over on your other site, telling you why one particular subject you write on matters to me so much. But I just want to say that what you write has helped me personally, on many different levels. Please don’t stop- you hurt no one and you’ve helped so many.
Ariel´s last blog ..Multimedia message (I love having a child in kindergarten!)
Mar 17, 2010
Just makes me want to say oh baby I am so sorry. Why in this short life would anyone take even one second to write that kind of message?
LPC´s last blog ..On The Ground Retail With Style Statements And Cheerful Prep At Target
Mar 17, 2010
I’m so sorry… this whole thing makes me glad my little blog is small enough still not to attract this sort of hatred. This sucks, and no one should have to deal with hate like this. I don’t get why people have to be so awful. =(
Marcy´s last blog ..Wordless Wednesday: winter wonderland
Mar 17, 2010
One life we have. Just one. So, to worry so very much about what someone else is doing (and in such detail) is such a waste of time. I do hope that person sees that sooner than later.
And just because that much negativity needs a positive response, I’m going to go over and make a donation for Duchennes in Tanner’s name.
Mar 17, 2010
You know what’s really creepy? If you walk into a room full of normal looking people, there’s a chance that at least one of them writes hateful bizarro comments. Some of my acquaintances, maybe even friends, may be those bile-filled freaks who vomit up their sickness into an email and send it off to someone who deserves better.
palinode´s last blog ..The Twilight Saga Saga: Chapter 4
Wow Reply:
March 18th, 2010 at 9:39 am
You think one of your friends wrote this? Then you need new friends.
Mar 17, 2010
It’s things like this that make me want to run away from the internet after blogging for 7 years.
But then I realize that what all of these amazingly talented writers like yourself are saying is important, and I need to wade through the crap to get to the good stuff.
You are the good stuff.
torrie´s last blog ..LOVE
Mar 17, 2010
What I do not understand is why if this reader hates you and your prose so much, does she/he continue reading? It’s pretty simple – stop reading! I do not have the energy or time in my day to devote reading things (or watching or doing) that I hate. Nor do I have the vile anger that would prompt me to attack another person in this manner.
I read your blog because it is honest and heartfelt. Being a mother is such a myriad of things and yes, the challenging moments are a huge part of that. I, too, hope that we as women can support each other more. (I also read your blog because you’re Canadian!)
Mar 17, 2010
I have read your blog for a few weeks now and have never commented. Several have been recommended by Google based on others I follow and if I don’t like them I just don’t follow them. I couldn’t imagine writing something like that to someone in their own space. It seems crazy to me! I started blogging as an online reminder to me, not anyone else. If someone reads it then ok…but again, WOW! People are NUTS! I’m sorry.
Leslie´s last blog ..TGIF!
Mar 17, 2010
It’s very easy to spew hate and venom from behind a computer screen. What’s not easy is being as open and honest as you always are. You’re the stronger person in this equation. Never forget that
Stepjh´s last blog ..Dream Big
Steph Reply:
March 17th, 2010 at 7:26 pm
Woops! I spelled my own name wrong! LOL
Steph´s last blog ..Dream Big
Mar 17, 2010
I imagine one of the reasons people cling to their hates so stubbornly is because they sense, once hate is gone, they will be forced to deal with pain. ~ James Baldwin
Pity, prayer, and patient kindness. Not easy to do after someone just called you every name in the book. But it’s the only thing that will ever, ever help.
Mar 17, 2010
I’m saddened by the poison that some people feel compelled to share. I do believe the devil is searching for a foothold. I’m glad you’re rising above it. Stay strong. Keep the faith.
Fran´s last blog ..Mommy Power by Dr. Sheila Schuller Coleman: Book Review & Giveaway
Mar 17, 2010
“Hatemail” doesn’t bother me. If I don’t like the comment, I just trash it. Don’t even read it all the way. If it doesn’t contain the words “I like your blog” or “You are great”, in the trash it goes….
Lindsey Petersen´s last blog ..Her PTSD caused MY PTSD
Mar 17, 2010
if the people didnt read to send hate mail the world would be a better place . but these people have no life in order to a troll to satisfy their desire to hate on people because truthfully they are nothing more then miserable bastards who need a good hard core kicking to understand that life is all effing roses and unicorns… life is about mistakes, about pain, loss, love and tears.
humanity is life..
keep on writing girl and screw those losers.
hugs to you!
Mar 17, 2010
ment to say life isnt a;; effing roses and unicorns LOL
tonya cinnamon´s last blog ..164th day..
Mar 17, 2010
Wow, I am mystified by people who take the time to write such poison. To what end? I mean, apart from the sheer stupidity of the content, what drives a person to perform such a despicable, hurtful action?
I try — and, though I don’t presume to speak for you, I think that you too — strive to live an authentic life. It’s the best we can do, as human beings. You also strive to share that life and to reach out to a community, to strangers like me who find your stories hilarious, poignant, smart, heartbreaking. I for one hope you are — or will — make a ton of money from this blog, because writing is work, and writing honestly is very important work that should be richly rewarded.
Mar 17, 2010
Long time lurker – just wanted to say how I hate that. And just wanted to pipe in and say how much I enjoy your blog, and your writing, and your openness, and your sharing. Just wanted to say THANKS.
Mar 17, 2010
I’m new at blogging. So new, in fact, that I didn’t know I was in a genre (mom blogs). I sent my kids outside, wished I had a bottle of wine in the house, and found this.
My first thought was that the author of that ‘comment’ doesn’t have the wits to figure that if they didn’t like what they were reading they could click on something else.
I’m looking forward to following your blog.
Mar 17, 2010
p.s. Why the hell shouldn’t we be making money on all this strife? Lemonade from Lemons!
Mar 17, 2010
Social comments and analytics for this post…
This post was mentioned on Twitter by herbadmother: A certain kind of hate: http://bit.ly/c1KWBV…
Mar 17, 2010
Two things:
One: If it is a woman who wrote that letter, it has to be an instance of internalized sexism.
Two: He/She must not read books, watch movies, listen to music, etc, because otherwise, she would be contributing to the reprehensible institution of people making money from sharing their personal experiences.
Oh yeah, and sounds like He/She is also homophobic.
Mar 17, 2010
People like the writer are simply demonstrating their neuroses for all of the world to see. It doesn’t even really have anything to do with you -s/he is angry with the world, with something in their own life, etc., etc. Online anonymity provides a way to vent without accountability. I know it’s impossible NOT to take it personally, but know that it’s really all about them, not about you. And I know this because I used to be one of those people. A long time ago – more than 10 years and a lot of therapy ago.I wish to God I could get into a time machine and undo everything I ever wrote. I have learned to avoid this poison – if I start reading hateful comments, I just stop. As soon as they appear sour, I jump right past them. It’s not worth it; you can’t change anything about them and it poisons you. You deserve better.
Mar 17, 2010
WOW! That is the nastiest email I’ve seen. The fact that this person took the time to write that says a lot about them, not you.
Keep writing! Keep sharing stories. It’s important for us, as moms, to be able to vent, to freely express ourselves.
For years, women have been told to “smile and look pretty.” It’s important for us as moms, as women to use our voices. To write how we feel.
Please don’t let that email get you down.
Mar 17, 2010
Shame on you for holding a gun to that reader’s head and forcing your hysterical and sometimes heart-wrenching life down her throat.
But there are others, like me, who depend on you and your peers to entertain me and know that I’m in good company in this whole motherhood crap shoot.
Because if we can’t laugh at ourselves and each other and sometimes cry a few tears together and possibly drunk tweet together, then pass the Ativan my way.
Cass´s last blog ..Postcards for Satori!
Jennifer Reply:
March 18th, 2010 at 3:37 pm
AMEN
Mar 17, 2010
Lurker here, just adding my two cents. Ditto everyone else – why don’t they just stop reading? There are blogs I’ve stopped reading because I didn’t like their style/message/attitude/whatever.
But the same goes for comments too right? Don’t like the message? Stop reading Catherine! Ignore them, just like you wish they would you.
btw – loved the article in Canadian Family today!
Mar 17, 2010
So I tweeted you this morning, and read this and then left it alone for the day when work interupted. I’m glad so much support has come to you during the day. You deserve every lovely statement that has been made.
As a journalist at a community paper I happen to have a great editor who simply never lets me see the letters from the nutters – tough of me huh? When I asked why he told me the following, “Every time I tell you to ‘carry on’ it is because I value honesty, quality and clarity. The idea that I would let some one else’s issues effect any of things this paper needs most is ludicrous at best.”
I am sorry you have to deal with the crap, and yes it hurts – so there is no denying it has an effect. But your voice remains yours, including honesty, quality and clarity, it is ludicrous on the part of the person throwing the crap to expect to be able to steal that.
Mar 17, 2010
Sometimes I want to be a super-awesome blogger with tons and tons of people reading my blog and all, and then I read a post like yours about the hate mail, and I think that relative anonymity is pretty cool.
I am sorry that people are so hateful when you are so gracious about sharing your life.
Another Suburban Mom´s last blog ..Random Dozen
Mar 17, 2010
I’m so sorry.
I’m wondering why the writer seems to think you “whine” about your kids all the time. That’s certainly not how I see it. I love this blog and I’m not even a mom.
I don’t know how or why someone would sit down in front of their computer and take the time and energy to write a letter like that. And it seems to be written by a somewhat intelligent person. I mean, they know how to spell and use commas. I think this letter stings because it’s well written. (I don’t mean the theme.) If someone had written, “Your a stupid bitch and need to get a life!!!11!!” it would be so much easier to shrug off.
For what it’s worth, I think the majority of your readers adore you. I do!
Cristin´s last blog ..Oops
Mar 17, 2010
I come at this as a blogger, and as a mother. Sometimes my story is all fluff. Sometimes it’s really really hard. Sometimes it’s tragic, and sometimes it’s whiny, and sometimes it’s great. But it’s my story to tell, if I choose to.
Sometimes, I don’t read blogs. In fact, sometimes I don’t read you! Sometimes what you’re writing about is emotionally too much for me, depending on what’s going on in my own life. But that’s OK. I simply close the browser and move on until I’m strong enough to come back. My choice as a reader. With others, I may hate what they’re saying, and so I close the browser and don’t come back. Also my choice. But I don’t belittle their experience. I don’t belittle their choice to express it. Unless they’re truly being hateful (as opposed to expressing an opinion I don’t like) I don’t comment – because I understand that they’re doing the exact same thing I am – whether I agree with what or how they’re saying it or not.
All this to say that I don’t *get* people who write these things. I don’t. I try to get in their heads and try to see their version. But I can’t – especially with that example. I cannot fathom what they hoped to gain from that. Or why they even continued to read your blog to know enough about your stories to send it. It boggles my mind. If I disagreed so heartily with something I was reading – I wouldn’t add to the “ad” dollars. And what gets me is that in many cases, these charges of exploitation etc. come from bloggers who also are monetized. But of course, they only tell “proper” stories. Who decided what was a proper story? Yes, sometimes my life is about cute kid antics. Sometimes, however, my life is about my biological mother dying. Who gets to decide for me how I express either of those things?
I’m sorry Catherine. You get this way more than I do (a LOT more readers, means way higher shit ratio.)
P.S. – I’m submitting this – but this is why I never comment. It turns into an essay.
Michele´s last blog ..A Request
Mar 17, 2010
My gods. I don’t understand it. I simply don’t.
Even when I read a blog written by someone with whom I disagree, whether on matters of opinion or on fundamental life issues, it never even OCCURS to me to write such a vile e-mail. Even when a blog really, really pisses me off, I couldn’t bring myself to be that conscienceless and nasty. FOR NO GOOD REASON. What purpose does that e-mail serve? How in the world could that be the result of someone who simply needs to unburden their soul of weight?
I’m sorry. I don’t agree with a word of that e-mail, but even if I did? I would be offended by the delivery and intent. That’s way out of line.
Mar 17, 2010
First, I will never, ever understand why people read blogs that piss them off so much. I could never allow that kind of angst into my life on a regular basis—it a blog bums you out, don’t read it!
But, to read a blog and keep a litany of “issues” and then spin it into such a hate-filled, angry, evil tirade, that is really scary.
Catherine, you are doing great things with your blog and you seem like someone who really, really looks out for other people. Don’t let the haters get you down. Don’t let the anger that fills their pores spill over onto you. Let them seep in it.
Fairly Odd Mother´s last blog ..Wordless Wednesday: Have a sweet St. Patrick’s Day
Mar 17, 2010
I am a lurker here-have been for a long time and I have never commented on any blog before but the hate mail has made me.
You see my son who is 2 and a half couldn’t sleep or wouldn’t sleep at all. His bed caused a crying fit that ended in tears for everyone. Our bed worked but he would spend all night with his hands in my hair slowwwwly ripping my hair out all night long. You brought me comfort during those dark periods, comfort to know that someone else on this planet was loosing sleep and going bald. You see my aunt died a few months ago and her death destroyed me, still is destroying me. And so I find comfort in your posts about your father and the questions and the hurt that lingers there.
I just wanted to say both of those things so that you know that you do make a difference. Hate mail is hate. And it is a shame that you have to get any. It really is a shame.
So thank you for being real and honest. Don’t let the hate stop the honesty because then the hate wins.
Mar 17, 2010
GAH. Just GAH.
And re: exploitation for financial gain, all I can say is that thank god you are monetarily compensated even A LITTLE because anyone subject to that kind of abuse (even once, not to mention regularly) should be able to buy herself some new shoes when all is said and done.
Thanks for continuing to weather the blow in order to do the work you do in and for this community (of bloggers, of mothers, of women).
agirlandaboy´s last blog ..W(h)ine Country
Mar 17, 2010
People in pain find solace in hatred. I think we will get some form of hate mail or another no matter what we do – just living life elicits hate mail. Sometimes hate mail comes through emails or comments, but sometimes phone calls, letters, post-it notes on a computer monitor, or even the good old fashioned scream-in-your-face hate mail. It’s the product of our broken world.
I’m so sorry, C. I think you’re a wonderful woman, fully real, fully human, a beautiful mix of mourning and whining and celebrating and challenging and growing and learning and loving. Just like we all should be.
Lara´s last blog ..In Which I Remind You All That I Am Totally Messed Up
Mar 17, 2010
A few weeks ago I got my first real dose of hate mail after the crazy US Airways flap. I killed the nastiest comments before they ever made it onto the blog – like the one that referred to my kids as “crotch-fruit” – but I still had friends and strangers writing me for weeks to reassure me that everyone can see how crazy those trolls are.
They’re crazy and small-minded and sick. They should be deleted from the Internet, and when I am Queen of Everything that is how it will be.
In the meantime, I’m so sorry you have to cope with that nonsense and drama.
Here, have a feminist screed – not written by me – about trolls and how they like to pick on powerful women: http://childwild.com/2010/02/23/misogyny-and-the-just-world-fallacy-together-again/
Sierra Black´s last blog ..Speaking Of A Room Of One’s Own
Mar 17, 2010
Catherine, I’m so sorry. This person is obviously very angry and miserable, and in his/her desperation is trying to spew venom anywhere he/she can, so that they can spread their pain and see other people suffer as a result. And I agree with so many other commenters: if she hates you so, why does she read you so frequently so as to know every single detail of your life? Sounds like a love/hate relationship. As in, this person is green with envy and can’t take seeing you succeed and thrive, so in turn, he/she emotionally vomits all over you. See, you were just the target, but everything that was said was just a mirror into this person’s insecurities, fears, regrets, etc. I’d say this jerk-off is just another miserable schmuck that refuses to see that their position in life is in direct relation to how they treat others. I wouldn’t be surprised if this person put hate mail in other people’s mailboxes, just because her hate overflows so fluidly, so heavily, she can’t even stand to keep it to herself. I don’t know why I changed the pronoun to a “she” in the comment, but something tells me this is a woman. I hate to say that, but it is only too often true.
Catherine, keep doing what you’re doing. You will get this because you are doing good things, positive things, life-changing things. And demons come out in droves to destroy the good. The enemy, whatever enemy you believe exists, thrives when people like your nasty emailer writes those emails. He wins. But we take it back when we say we’re not going to accept it as truth, and fight back, and protect one another, and stand by those we support and love. I say…take down that email after tomorrow. Don’t give that venomous snake anymore publicity. That’s what she wants, after all. A piece of your prosperity, your joy, your success. Take it away from her and throw her garbage where it belongs: in the trash bin.
You are loved. So much.
Tricia´s last undefined ..Response cached until Fri 19 @ 2:09 GMT (Refreshes in 23.08 Hours)
Mar 18, 2010
Are you kidding me?
SERIOUSLY.
I read because your honesty is what makes us human. Every one of us. Human.
Mar 18, 2010
I am using my real name for a real post. That hate-letter made me cry. Not for you, nor for its writer. It made me cry because of the mean-ess involved. It was cutting and meant to be cruel… and I am sad that the world has people like this in it and yet, oddly, I am beginning to understand why we, as a world, are so messed up… and I have no idea where to begin to help fix it.
But I can start here. Write at the top of your lungs my friend! You are here and alive and therefore HAVE earned that right. Let no bitch (or man) put asunder. I will share your words every chance I get even more than I do now, in some small way, to karmically counter the hate-letter you shared with us today.
I, for one, love your words and I continue to be in awe that you share as you do. Thank you.
Mar 18, 2010
There’s no excuse for that kind of cruelty. Someone who doesn’t enjoy reading should just click to close her browser.
Catherine – I’ve admired your thinking, feeling, and writing for many years. Much love to you and your family.
Lady M´s last blog ..Taking Casual Fridays a Step Too Far
Mar 18, 2010
I am constantly astounded at people who have so much anger and hate in them. How could someone seriously type that many hateful words?
I love your writing, laugh mightily at your funny stories and cry along with the sad ones. You help moms and women feel less alone in the world.
I just don’t understand why people need to be so mean. Are they jealous or just so inherently unhappy and permanently 10 years old that they need to make someone else feel bad in order to feel better.
Don’t like it? Then don’t read, jerks.
We love you – and one good vibe should erase at least 10 nasty trolls.
RachelB´s last blog ..Ninety One
Mar 18, 2010
Catherine, you more than any other blogger have made me feel less alone with my complex (check it – you can love something and not at the same time, woah) feelings about new motherhood. Your writing has been a gift to me and many other women. If I ever received his kind of hate I’m pretty sure I would be unable to sleep for days, die a thousand deaths and, also, vomit. I hope you have developed enough of thick skin (woe is you that you have to) that this doesn’t become the narrative for your day/week. It’s cruel and she’s wrong.
Mar 18, 2010
Why can’t people realise that if they don’t like what you are writing they can just stop reading. To knock someone else down is just childish. When I repeatedly don’t agree or like what a fellow blogger is writing I stop following, there is always others that may fit your interests better.
Complete BS is what that kind of hate mail is
Mar 18, 2010
This hurts all of us and I’m sorry that it happened. And as a lifelong feminist, I can vouch that whining is one of our most important calling cards. It what keeps us not going all Yellow Wallpaper on the world.
Thinking of you.
Marinka´s last blog ..I Took A Physique 57 Class and Lived To Blog About It
Mar 18, 2010
I don’t know if I can say anything else, that someone hasn’t said. I know you are a lovely person, spending time with you, and while getting hate mail is not a pain I know, and I can easily say to brush it off and ignore it…..I know that I probably wouldn’t be able to do so.
Honey I am so sorry….much love.
domestic extraordinaire´s last blog ..Flashback Friday-The Closet Edition
Mar 18, 2010
sending you a hippopotamus hug. (that’s what my son calls the biggest hug ever)
your blog is real. not some fictional waspy wife who sh#ts sunshine all the time. YOU are real. you feel all of it. you share all of it.
I’m so sorry you are getting blasted for telling the truth of you and for sharing your truth. Please continue and know that you are appreciated.
Mar 18, 2010
Catherine,
I’ve never commented before, but have enjoyed both your blog and the basement too, which I think is a vitally important kind of space for women.
And may I say, with all respect — oh, for fuck’s sake! Do people have nothing better to do than to attack other people? Heaven FORFEND that you should write your reality with such clarity and honesty. Must you be punished for being real??? For admitting that motherhood is challenging and sometimes painful? For feeling devastated about Tanner’s illness? For grieving your father? This, in particular, burns me up because I lost my mother right after you lost your dad — and it’s hard enough to walk through each day in this supposed “after grief” time where everyone but your closest friends has seemed to forget that you feel like you’re walking around with a simultaneous hole in your heart and a heaviness that makes it hard to move your limbs. I admire your great writing and your even greater realness.
And again, if someone truly doesn’t like a blog, why is there need for such meanness? Just don’t read the blog. Christ.
Know that for every mean person, you have 100 more that are in your corner. Keep doing what you do. It matters.
Mar 18, 2010
Oh my god, woman. Please know that for every awful letter like this you receive, there are dozens–probably hundreds–of women like me who didn’t spend the time to send you a personal note about how much love in our hearts we have for you and what you are doing every day on your blogs.
Mar 18, 2010
Please ignore the haters. They are everywhere all the time. I read your blog almost daily & have never commented before but I think you are a wonderful human being. Don’t stop just because of a few losers who are so miserable in their own lives that they feel the need to spread the misery. Hold your head high & continue to do what you love.
Mar 18, 2010
Catherine – I don’t write blogs, but I love reading yours!! I’m a mom to 2 little ones and step mom to 2 teenagers…. My girls are close in age to your kids, so I can TOTALLY relate to most of your tales.
My mom and I were talking the other day about mommy-bloggers, and generally how different it is raising children today as compared to when she was raising my sister and I. Reading your blogs – and others like it – provide ideas and potential solutions for similar problems we may be experiencing; it provides a small justification to know that my kids aren’t the only ones to draw all over themselves with an uncapped pen; and provides a source of entertainment & insipration to moms everywhere – and I really think that’s a concept only another mom would get.
Please don’t let vile hate mail like that letter get you down – instead look at it as you must be doing something right… because if you weren’t they wouldn’t have anything to write to you about!!
Please know that you are loved and adored and have MANY, MANY supportive fans & firends!!
((hugs))
Mar 18, 2010
I’m speechless. I can’t imagine that someone would write such a thing. So damn harsh and uncalled for.
Mar 18, 2010
It’s so easy for people to make judgments from the outside. If he or she only really knew you they would be ashamed of what they’d written. I’m sorry you deal with this so often.
Assertagirl´s last blog ..A theme song for Nate.
Mar 18, 2010
I’m sorry.
That’s a harsh e-mail.
And wrong in many ways. I read your blog for many reasons. But, one of the reasons is because it lets me be okay with the shit that comes with life (and mothering).
And, if you can make money writing and sharing yourself so openly good for you. But, I’m also guessing that if you had no ads, and very few readers, you’d still be writing all of this because it’s real.
Life is messy. I wish I had your courage.
LD´s last blog ..Irish
Mar 18, 2010
I’m delurking to say that I read your blog regularly, and all I read is evidence of a truly compassionate, intelligent, and thoughtful woman, writer, and mother. I quit my own blog five years ago because I didn’t want to continue dealing with the trolls. You are braver than I, and what you share with the world is so vital. Thank you for putting up with hatemail like this so I, and obviously others, can be comforted and enlightened by what you have to say.
Mar 18, 2010
“Because although one might think that hate mail is just what comes from exposing one’s life in the public sphere, that someone like me should be prepared to just suck it up as part of the cost of doing this, of telling these stories, I say no, no, it’s not; no, it shouldn’t be; no, I shouldn’t have to.”
Not to get all religious, but tell that to Jesus. You know, people are fucked up. Always have been, probably always will be. So yes, we do have to find a way to process the outer world that is fucked up. We’re here on earth to play the human game, this is part of it.
But hey! At least there is progress. You may be figuratively crucified, but not literally, like Jesus. Lucky you. It’s only taken over 2000 years to get there, who knows how accepting humans will be in 2000 more years, Yay for optimism!
Heather, Queen of Shake Shake´s last blog ..Marry for Love, Not Money. I Think.
Mar 18, 2010
Catherine, I’m so sorry. The venom is beyond despicable … and not even understandable to most. You really have to wonder about someone who is not only continuing to show up and read something they claim bothers them so intensely, but then take the time to write and send such a disgusting, thorough, vile email when they know you’re hurting, they don’t have to read, it’s really none of their business…
I’m so sorry people like this exist. I truly hope you can find a way to just hit delete and not read the comments that roll in like that.
Mar 18, 2010
Some people are so miserable they just can’t let anyone live their own life. This person is obviously an idiot and a loser. It’s sad,really.
You don’t deserve that kind of hate mail – hell, no one does. Ridiculous that people think it’s ok to hide behind their computer and say such vile things.
pgoodness´s last blog ..Protected: Just venting
Mar 18, 2010
Please keep doing what you’re doing. Do NOT let this clearly unstable person get to you!
Mar 18, 2010
Is that the letter from Margalit?
If it is, you need to shrug your shoulders, take your pointer finger and twirl it around your ear in the universal fashion for coocoo bananas and move on.
That bitch is crayzay. You’re better than her. A lot of people are.
Katy´s last blog ..Guesting
Mar 18, 2010
Well, one positive outsome of the horrible hater’s post is that the Tweets (@maggiedammit, you) drew me to look at your blog, so now I can follow it.
I am not as connected to the wonderful women blogger world as you are (yet) so I know nothing of who might be the hater. As I was reading, I pictured one of those pinch-faced mothers whose children are quiet and well-behaved, who insist that they love having children but spend most of the time punishing, or who buy sale-quantities of enemas at the drugstore.
Now I am sounding like a hater, and that wasn’t my intent. Only that this kind of cruelty comes from somewhere, and it sure isn’t from reading your posts.
I, too, wondered why anyone would continue to read and spout venom rather than staying away? Sad, angry victim/abuser syndrome.
So sorry you have to hear that. So glad that somehow it led me here, and that you go on telling your story in spite of it. Thank you.
Barb´s last blog ..About Hope
Mar 18, 2010
You’re a fucking inspiration, and I love you.
sweetney´s last blog ..(Everyday Is) Halloween
Mar 18, 2010
There will always be mean people in this world. Most who’s lives suck, so they want to trash others. You do a great job and I’ve enjoyed reading your blog. Chin up chicka!
Mar 18, 2010
I just don’t understand people. If you don’t like what someone is writing on their blog… stop reading. Unsubscribe. Unfollow. Unfriend. What do you really get out of writing a letter like that?
Colleen´s last blog ..My Little Gymnast
Mar 18, 2010
Just yesterday my son, who is learning about the human body in school, said to me, “Guess what? The heart is a muscle!” And I had to turn my face away when I replied, “Yes, yes it is,” so he wouldn’t see me blinking back tears.
Because you see, that post you wrote once about Tanner seared itself a permanent mark in my muscular heart. And I’m not sorry about it. Hearts are prettier with scars.
To write so beautifully about Tanner that people like me, who have never met him, will never forget him – will never forget that there are children like him all over the world right now, waiting for a cure – I don’t believe that can be called exploitation by anyone with a properly beating heart.
jaelithe´s last blog ..Conversations with a Five-Year-Old: The Pain and the Pedant
Mar 18, 2010
Your post and these comments made me write about the time I was a troll. Maybe my post will help explain.
http://redstapler23.blogspot.com/2010/03/true-confession.html
Suebob´s last blog ..10 things that should be illegal
Mar 18, 2010
I haven’t read you for all that long – you were pregnant with Jasper when I started, but you come across to me as a loving, gentle person. Sure, there have been times when I have wished you could come to grips with your demons – but I wish I could come to grips with MY demons too. The thing is, a blog is personal. No matter who reads it, your blog belongs to you. If someone is offended by it, they should leave. Don’t come back. Don’t bother reading something that offends you. Certainly don’t bother writing a bunch of vitriolic crap to the person whose blog offends you. It’s not up to us, the readers, to criticize or condemn you. This is YOUR blog. You allow us to visit. We don’t have to always be supportive, but we have no right to condemn.
Mar 18, 2010
If this woman hates you so much, why do they even read your blog? I just dont fucking get it man! Let the haters just go away. Tell them that they dont need to read your blog. This is YOUR space. They can go suck it.
just know- the majority of us DO NOT feel that way.
Mar 18, 2010
Hi Catherine, I’m not big on commenting, but this post just really touched me and I had to reach out and say something. I’ve been thinking a lot about my daughter and fearing for her as I was teased and bullied horribly in middle school. I want to somehow teach her to protect herself. This letter reminds me of middle school, of how mean some of the girls could be–how they could find your weakest point and pick at it until you became raw, bruised and so self-conscious about all your flaws. Most of us grow up and heal, but obviously, some don’t.
The only thing I’ve come up with to teach my daughter is the simplest lesson, but so hard sometimes– to love herself. Love every bit of herself. These people who are so cruel were never taught that, they are sad and miserable and just need to drag some unlucky target down with them. If you can shrug and say, “You know what? You’re screwed up! I’m awesome!”, then they lose and go on to find another target. Your misery is their gain. It is so hard, I know. But know this, Catherine, I don’t know you, but I know you have an incredible mind, a beautiful family, a huge heart, a sensitive soul, an amazingly intelligent brain and so much to give this world through your writing. I think of all the blogs I read that are about difficult situations–The Spohrs, for example, and I cringe to think anyone would send them hate mail accusing them for writing for their own gain. They have turned an awful situation into something beautiful. Everyone who reads loves and knows and supports Maddie, in the same way (most) people who read your blog love, know, and support Tanner.
I’m sorry for the mini novel, but I just had to say something. May this sad person go away from this blog knowing her miserable soul has found nothing to feed on here.
Mar 18, 2010
Delurking and wiping some of the toxicity from my screen to tell you how sorry I am for the woman who sent you that vile letter.
Unlike yours, her life will never know the restorative powers of blogging, not to mention healing, faith or joy.
Hang in there.
Liz@thisfullhouse´s last blog ..I Was Vlogging, Before Vlogging Was Cool
Mar 18, 2010
So much hate. It’s disgusting. The time it took to expel such anger and press send on their email boggles my mind. But. So. Why do we keep doing it? Why do we continue to blog? Is it for your 15 minutes of “fame”? Your free stuff? Please. We don’t blog for any of that. Even some fabulous salary for blogging would never be WHY we do this, dropping our asses out in the wind for the world to see and judge. Its the WRITING. The freedom to express. Its where we find sanity when a parent passes (my mom passed 9 months ago and the sanest I’ve felt about losing her is when I’ve posted about it). Its the community that has your back when you do dare to press publish. Lordy, I know I’m a broken record here, we say this stuff over and over. But I am so discouraged to see successful bloggers who continue to keep on keeping on, and who new bloggers look to, be treated like this. NYT condescension one day, vile hatred another – mom bloggers certainly live the life.
Caroline´s last blog ..Securing Your Mask
Mar 18, 2010
i’m so sorry.
and grateful, for once, that i’m a blogger with a small, known audience. because i don’t get that kind of mail.
love to you.
slouchy´s last blog ..In the Third Month
Mar 18, 2010
What happened to being polite? Why can’t ideas be respected even if they aren’t our own?
I’m sorry so many of you wonderfully expressive and intelligent women get feedback spewing with hate. Not only is it a waste of your time and energy, it is for the writer as well. She could be a nice productive person if all that initiative wasn’t focused on the dark side.
Rise above, friend.
Lizzy´s last blog ..Play hard, or go home
Mar 18, 2010
Big hugs.
Mar 18, 2010
What is wrong these days with people feeling the need to blast out such negative comments on others blogs?
I don’t think I’ve ever read anything as mean as that person’s comment.
Nobody deserves that… You don’t deserve that.
I am sorry for you… you have every right to be upset and angry.
Mar 18, 2010
I lurk around and stop by and read and laugh and cry over your blog a lot, but rarely comment. Then I figured, if someone takes the trouble to read everything you write just so they can send you a nasty email like that.. the least I can do is raise my voice and just say- Ugh. People like that, there’s only one answer worth giving them.. Stop reading!
If they dislike what you write so much, why bother coming back ?!
Please, its your blog, your stories and your voice- and for each silly email like that, you know there are five others who come back because we LIKE to, and we look forward to your words. So just ignore them, really, and give yourself a happy hug thinking of the rest of us
Mar 18, 2010
C, just keep doing what you’re doing. The positive comments grossly outweigh the negative for a good reason—you touch people’s hearts AND you make them think.
I know it’s hard when someone intentionally hits below the belt as this person did but the vast majority of your readers (and your true friends) know it’s pure nonsense.
Keep on with your bad self and chalk this email up to being a sad testament to the author’s own unhappiness.
xo
J
IzzyMom´s last blog ..Let the Sun Shine In (Before I Bite Someone’s Head Off)!
Mar 18, 2010
I’m just adding my support and virtual love to you, Catherine. We’ve yet to meet, but you are one of my blogging heroes, and I’m sorry that being big and interesting (and popular) have made you a target to jealous, petty, mean people.
It’s times like these that I’m so thankful to be a “little” blogger. *hugs*
red pen mama´s last blog ..Lost: Recon
Mar 18, 2010
Mental illness comes in all shapes and sizes. And I’m not being facetious. And I’m not kidding.
To spill so much venom, to directly try to wound and tear up (or down) someone out in the world, whom you believe you know when you really don’t (or even if you DID, for that matter)…it’s just, you know, not adaptive behavior. Not appropriate.
And whether there are sadness issues or true mental health issues (I’m going for the latter) comments and input like this are ALWAYS more about the speaker than they are the listener. Or, the writer/reader…you know what I’m saying.
You know what I’m saying?
The New Girl´s last blog ..Oh, Here We Go.
Ariel Reply:
March 18th, 2010 at 2:04 pm
I have to agree, mental illness is exactly what I think it is.
Ariel´s last blog ..Multimedia message (I love having a child in kindergarten!)
Mar 18, 2010
Wow….she’d love the name of my blog. What I find interesting is if she finds you so vile…. Why does she apparently know SO much about you and your blog? Loyal reader who doesn’t have the balls to admit the truths about their life?
Mrs. Schmitty´s last blog ..A Mother’s Anxiety
Mar 18, 2010
I…hmmmm. So I admit that I tried to find this person from clues given in tweets, and facebooks, and posts…however I could only find one blog and it was shut down.
No matter.
I hope that this person does not, as my investigating seems to point to, have twins. I hope that hate like that would be sterile. Would not be able to breed.
There is no reason for hate such as that. That- that is pure, vile, black, inky hate.
This post taught me to never use the phrase “I hate it when you…” b/c now I know what real hate looks like on paper. Souless, stone cold hate.
Catherine, I love your blog. You have taught me lessons, challenged me to think, to grow up, to live, to call my mom who I did not talk to for a long time. To forgive.
For those things I will defend your honor.
So, HATER WHO SHALL REMAIN CHICKENSHIT AND NAMELESS, I ask you to pick on someone in your own class, someone who can shut out emotions and attack places that should never be attacked. Catherine- catherine WOULD NEVER BECAUSE SHE IS GOOD, BETTER THAN YOU WILL EVER BE.
Michelle M´s last blog ..Tobacco Stains and the Snow Plow
Mar 18, 2010
I just wanted to tell you that I find you inspiring and honest and brave. The sad person who sent you that reprehensible letter – was just being hateful. I am sorry that this is causing you more grief – goodness knows that you have had enough of that.
Mar 18, 2010
Oh good grief. I’m so sorry, Catherine. That is sickening to read. Just horrible. Please, don’t take it to heart. Just throw it away, and forget about it. You know yourself. You know your worth, your love, your commitment the things you love. You love your children, you are a good daugther, and you do a lot of good for causes that are near and dear to you. People can be pieces of shit, truly. And you didn’t deserve that. I find that people who don’t get blogging will never get why we complain or bitch about our kids online. At the end of the day, we know how much we love them. And we know humour. And we are all here together. SIGH! SORRY! HUGS!
Mar 18, 2010
i am new to your blog. i just started reading a few days ago and i am someone who is VERy grateful for you doing this. i suffered from SEVERE post partum. didn’t know i even had it until my son was 17 months old–i’d been diagnosed something else, but even though i’m 1 year past that now, there’s still a real need for support and the knowledge that there are people out there who didn’t turn out to be the mom’s they thought they would be and are gentle with other moms who find themselves on that path. and i personally love the humor!
anyway. that comment would have been a hard one for me, too. i hope that you’re feeling better today.
once again, thank you for blogging. it really helps me.
Mar 18, 2010
I don’t understand people. On any given day, I read about 20-30 blogs. Sometimes, a blogger starts to annoy me, or I lose interest in the story they are telling, or I discover that their opinions about a particular subject are so divergent from mine that I just can’t read them anymore. When that happens, I don’t send hate mail…I just stop reading. Why do people feel the need to unload on someone like that writer did to you? It just doesn’t make sense to me.
I’m not a mom, but I am a blogger (with a really small readership), so I can imagine that it must be very difficult to deal with responses like this on a regular basis. It makes me feel bad for you. I’m sorry that people treat you that way.
Mar 18, 2010
Way down here, are you still reading? I haven’t read through all of these comments, but my Lord, what a tragic waste of energy for someone to pen all of that. I just do not understand why someone would get so caught up in righteous indignation over things that have no relevance to their own life. Why? It can only have one intention: to hurt. I’m sorry that it worked.
Mar 18, 2010
The whole thing just pisses me off. If they don’t like what you write then don’t read it!! I find you refreshing. Keep being open and honest….your good at it!!
Mar 18, 2010
What the hell is wrong with some people? What has made this person such a vile, hateful, human being? Is their life so damn shitty that they have to try to berate and belittle somebody else? Really??
I blog, I am proud of my kids, but I have every right to bitch and whine now and then. It’s part of the job. What sane person doesn’t rant now and then about their kids pouring chocolate syrup all over the dog or whatever, and to attack you about your intentions regarding your nephew? Despicable!!
I am sorry that you had to endure such a vicious attack regarding your character. If this person doesn’t appreciate your humour, opinion, or feelings then why are they reading your blog?
Mar 18, 2010
I basically can’t agree with the conclusion to your post, because while it might – and I stress only might – be easy to get a broad consensus that certain kinds of statements are “hateful”, there are many more that are in a gray area. I’m not saying that makes them alright, necessarily: there are some things that I’m certain are hateful but I’m equally convinced others don’t see that way; and there some things I’ve said that I was convinced weren’t hateful that I’m equally aware others heard that way. Other times I’m really not sure. Other times it seems to come to down to “who started it”, but then the problem of an infinite regress of responsibility sets in. Bottom line I think is that if you say that “our voices aren’t free so long as we’re subjected to hate when we raise them”, you’re obviously also saying that other voices shouldn’t be free, but those voices won’t necessarily see themselves, or be seen by others, as hateful, and so they will at that point only hate all the more righteously. Not to mention the fact that while hateful comments are certainly troubling, people will often be more deeply wounded by less hateful, but no less incisive, criticisms – precisely because those can’t be written off as merely “hateful”, but at the same time can cut much more deeply. So then is the issue simply “hate” or feeling “free” to speak (in which case a lot of non-hateful, but deeply critical, commentary might have to be ignored or censored or stigmatized). What’s the point of all my ramblings? Well, not much to do with most of your post, really. Just as far the conclusion goes, I’m not at all convinced that invoking “hate” as a (negative) discursive standard gets us anywhere. I don’t have a good solution myself. I think its just a problem, and one which the internet has probably brought to the fore.
Mar 18, 2010
You mean exploiting children with cancer can get my family to DISNEYLAND!?! I mean really, why isn’t everyone signing up for this!?!
What an asshat.
Mar 18, 2010
[...] the Internet is mean, and it makes me want to hold people I don’t even know [...]
Mar 18, 2010
Hi Catherine,
I just wanted to say that I enjoy reading your blog. In fact, I think that your blog is one of the better Mummy blogs out there. I find that it is an honest, truthful approach to motherhood. People who leave comments like the one you posted have too much time on their hands.
Keep up your great blogs! I want to hear more about your running, too. Once again, you should join us for a long run Sunday mornings at the North York Running Room
Her Bad Mother Reply:
March 18th, 2010 at 9:22 pm
I really should join you. When do you run? Early?
Jennifer Martin Reply:
March 19th, 2010 at 10:51 am
8:30 Sunday mornings at the North York Running Room (two blocks North Sheppard. Let me know in advance when you are coming. If that’s too early (as I know you live a distance from TO) we could arrange another run.
Mar 18, 2010
Catherine,
I’m not a mom nor a blogger, but I read your blog because your work is well-written, interesting, funny, thought-provoking. I don’t agree with every single opinion you have, but I don’t feel the need to send you emails belittling you when I disagree, because I am normal. And I appreciate you.
And that, Hater (the one who just commented, not the terrible email writer), is what is, yes, always hateful, constructs and relativism aside. Blasting an email out into the world with the purpose of hurting and belittling the author of this blog, or anyone, is not discourse. The writer wasn’t trying to debate or let Catherine know about different points of view. She was just being a dick, and that’s not free speech. It’s harrassment. I’m not saying that kind of behavior should be criminalized or anything, but it is wrong, because it violates the one moral all religions and creeds seem to espouse, that you don’t intentionally cause harm to another.
Hater Reply:
March 18th, 2010 at 9:24 pm
I sort of agree with you and sort of not. Basically, I agree with your characterization of the e-mail in question. However, I would say that even “intentionally causing harm” is a gray area: I mean, we’ve all probably had to say things we knew would deeply hurt people we deeply cared about. And at a more distant level, consider the massive power that certain film or theater reviewers have historically had, and yet how acerbic some of their writing was – they certainly knew the immense effect they could have on the lives and psyches of the people they wrote about, but they did it anyway. Same goes for much literary criticism (which is usually written by other writers), some academic work. Again, I’m not saying that it’s directly comparable to the e-mail in question. Personally, if I were to criticize that e-mail I would just say that the writer was wrong for assuming so much – even if you disagree with what Catherine is doing (which I don’t at all), it’s obviously specious to make such inferences about someone’s motives.
Mar 18, 2010
Why do they read your blog if they hate you so much? A normal person would stop reading and leave it at that. These are not normal people. These are people who tear other people down to build themselves up. And unfortunately the internet is such a great forum for spineless people like them. These people are so ridiculous — they don’t deserve a second thought.
Erin´s last blog ..That’s my ‘Who ate all the Cocoa Puffs?!’ face
Mar 18, 2010
People are assholes. But not all of us. You might get hate mail, but remember there are many more that respect and appreciate your writing.
Gina´s last blog ..Playing Favorites
Mar 18, 2010
Wow. It’s funny because I wrote a post today about hate mail I received regarding how I dress my child. I was annoyed/mildly amused by it, but then I read YOUR hate mail, and WOW.
People who attack others, for whatever reason, are people who are fundamentally unhappy in ways that have nothing to do with you. Look at the love and respect you receive by other women, and for the haters? I’d tell ‘em to go fuck themselves.
Because I’m mature like that.
Lona @ I am THAT mommy´s last blog ..Go ahead and laugh, you know you want to.
Mar 18, 2010
Hi, I read and enjoy your blog and your tweets. I don’t understand people who are cruel and vindictive, especially when the choice is theirs to read or not. I really appreciate your writing, will try to be better about commenting. Julie
Mar 18, 2010
I’ve heard it said that you know you hit the big time when you start getting real hate mail and trolls. Is it any wonder I like the little time?
Sorry that people who are like that feel the need to share.
patois´s last blog ..I Should Go into the Recommendation Letter Writing Business
Mar 18, 2010
I don’t get where that kind of cruelty comes from…but it’s definitely not a good place.
I’m so sorry you had to read that Catherine.
In the end, I think it boils down to others feeling threatened, jealous, bitter, sad, lonely, etc… and then feeling the need to take it out on someone who is asserted and brilliant, while being openly flawed (and comfortable with it).
I think some people are just really bothered by the fact that we can be completely honest about our lives, even when we’re unsure of ourselves.
I for one think you are awesome.
((HUGS)) to you lady. Keep writing.
You inspire me daily.
Haley´s last blog ..You Capture – Reaching
Mar 18, 2010
Wow! You know, I totally agree with freedom of speech. However, people like that, who have nothing but hatred inside them, should be put away somewhere where they can grovel in their own filth.
Big hugs to you.
Mar 18, 2010
I never understood how bad the hate mail/comments are until I talked with some of the “big” bloggers at Mom 2.0. I am shocked that people would spend time to be hateful and spiteful. Why? For what purpose? I keep going back to the old addage “If you don’t have something nice to say, don’t say anything at all.” I was excited to tell you in person and am still excited to tell you that your words are powerful and beautifully written. Thank you.
elz´s last blog ..Love Thursday-Love Cooks!
Mar 18, 2010
What the hell ever happened to “If you have nothing nice to say, don’t say anything at all?” To have taken the time to have written such an awful, hate-filled email. The thing that concerns me so much is how much they know, how much they filled that awful email with, because it’s quite apparent they read your every post – why bother if they hate you so much?
Unreal. I’m so sorry.
Lisa @ Crazy Adventures in Parenting´s last blog ..Brand New Again
Mar 18, 2010
Nothing but love for you, honey, nothing but love. Keep your chin up.
Tasha´s last blog ..Pesto Tortellini with Chicken and Veggies
Mar 18, 2010
Jesus Fack, that was harsh. I have gotten a smidgeon of that which sends me straight into a fetal position in bed. I am so sorry there are such angry creeps out in the world.
Peace, love & almost Friday!
S
Susannah´s last blog ..Luche Libre
Mar 19, 2010
Delurking? maybe? Can’t remember if I have commented before…but in any case, those haters deserve to be deleted, ignored, dumped. If people want to find something to criticize, they will. I read your blog because it is full of Good Things.
Love. Humanity. Humor. Thank you for all of it–for telling it like is and letting people know that they are not alone and for continuing in spite of the hate mail.
Mar 19, 2010
We are drawn repeatedly towards angsty and angry posts for one of three reasons. 1) We genuinely want to “be there” for the person; 2) Because we want to believe our own lives aren’t so bad; or 3) We want to get so riled up about something to channel the hate we feel inside ourselves.
Mar 19, 2010
oh god, it’s hard to understand why some people feel so much hate. I’m so sorry that you have to deal with such anger and bitterness.
Mar 19, 2010
[...] herbadmother, a blog I’ve been reading since it started, posted this and I urge you to go and read the rest of the post and the email she received that prompted her to post: Our voices aren’t free so long as we’re [...]
Mar 19, 2010
I wanted to let you know (via hate free comment) that I linked to this post in a new post I wrote.
For you, for the others, I am going to try, very hard, to not use that H word anymore…
Michelle M´s last blog ..Wipe your ass, then wipe this out from your life
Mar 19, 2010
[...] Bad Mother | Archives | Causes | Their Bad Mother | The Bad Moms Club | The Basement « Previous [...]
Mar 19, 2010
I came via Most/Least when Ella mentioned her own attack mail. I guess I haven’t been blogging long enough to draw the hater’s attention yet. But I have received some really nasty comments and emails as a result of a weekly parenting column I write. In fact, my very first column prompted some totally off-the-wall responses. People who comment online or send emails like this are just lonely people looking for some attention. They’re jealous of you and the attention you get. And this particular person is obviously jealous of the money he/she imagines you make in truckloads from your blog.
How come no one has accused Oprah of capitalising on her fat (oh, wait, they probably have) or Sidonie Smith of capitlising on women’s or colonial opression? Or how about those wish kids that aren’t actually dying, just really sick, getting those free trips to Disney where they get to skip lines? Why doesn’t anyone attack them? Perhaps because it’s foolish and ridiculous and only truly wretched people would do so.
Anyway, I hope you didn’t waste your time responding.
There are people out there who really feel they are better than everyone else; when you show them through your efforts and success that you might be better at something than them their only response is to try to tear you down. Why do you think King of the Castle is such an enduring childhood game.
Anyway, this is my first time here and I love your blog. Thank you for contributing in this way to our collective experience.
Mar 19, 2010
I’m a 22 year old, with no children, working in New York City. My days are very different from yours. But I read your blog, not because you’re a mother, but because you’re a person with thoughts about this world we live in that I like and agree with. Because you make me think about things I wouldn’t normally, and shed light on things that used to be in the dark for me.
And this world we live in happens to includes children and mothers and fathers and that’s important. So it’s worth writing about. I’m sorry you get hate mail. But when I look at someone who hates me, I try and see the many faces that love me. Because, even though it’s so easy for me to forget, those people are there. Thanks for writing this blog: you’re courageous and maybe my hero.
Mar 19, 2010
I just don’t get it. Reading blogs is a choice. There are millions to choose from, so why bother reading one you don’t like? Your blog is your space to say whatever the hell you want to say. And no one has to read it.
Helena´s last blog ..Featuring You!
Mar 19, 2010
I just don’t get why people choose to spend their time on such negativity. Do these people not realize that they can spend their time doing other things? Like reading material they DO enjoy, or talking and befriending people they DO like? If you don’t like someone, why even bother. I just don’t get it. (Hugs)
Mar 19, 2010
Bit late to this party, judging by the comments above. Like the others, I think the criticism you have received is vile. The only thing I would say is remember you have a delete button. As soon as you realise it’s something hateful, delete delete delete. Don’t read it, just ignore it and delete it. I’m so sorry you’re upset. Your ‘normal’ readers think you’re fab, believe me xx
Mar 19, 2010
I wish I could add some new words that could erase that vile person’s horrible words.
I have never found one bit of whining in any of your posts. I found your blog just prior to you losing your father and found your writing fascinating.
I love the stories of your kids and it has always been evident that they have helped you find a bit of joy through a horrible grieving time.
No one who has experienced a significant loss could stand in judgment of your grief. It took me 3 years after my father passed away before I felt anywhere near normal.
For every one of those kinds of stupid emailers, you reach 10 other people and touch them with your magical words.
I pray you find peace regardless of the evil that some people thrive on.
Rita´s last blog ..Just Call Me Bruce
Mar 19, 2010
Well…. as dooce once said to someone else struggling with this crap: It’s not about you, it’s all about them.
That’s as simple and precient as it gets. I don’t even know if it’s worth thinking about the “why would someone do this”…. because you’ll drive yourself crazy.
It’s all about them.
Keep doing what you’re doing.
Habitual´s last blog ..Marble Stains.
Mar 19, 2010
I went through fertility treatments to conceive my son. I STILL bitch about how crazy he makes me sometimes. And I take Ativan and drink a beer a night, just to calm my fucking nerves from the sheer energy it takes to get through a day with two small kids.
I guess that makes me a shitty parent too.
statia´s last blog ..Under things, tumbling
Mar 20, 2010
Hey, I am late to the party too but I wanted to chime in to say keep doing what you do so well. I find your blog more thought provoking than most, which is why I keep coming back. I hope all these positive comments are providing you some comfort, because you deserve it.
Ginger´s last blog ..Hannah goes wild but does not take off her shirt
Mar 20, 2010
Oh DUDE. I was in your town today, only briefly, and thought about calling – now I wish I did. I’m so sorry this shit gets dumped on you. I’m here if ever you need anything – even if it’s a boozy girl’s night at my house, which is majorly overdue. xo
Karen´s last blog ..{Mildly NSFW} If You Didn’t Already Know What a Merkin Is…You Are Welcome
Mar 20, 2010
I’d love to see what this particular individual posts on their blog. Or do they even have a blog? Because come on – is their life all sunshine and rainbows all the time? Do they carefully script their page so that life appears happy and never a complaint? I don’t have a blog because I’m not as good at being open/sharing like this (and just plain stink at writing, as you can see by this rambling comment). Instead, I read several blogs and I enjoy what I read, the diversity amongst the many pages I read. But the one common thing I enjoy with each of the blogs I read? The honesty about day to day life, whether on hard or easy subjects. If I did have a blog, it wouldn’t be able to be all happiness and joy every day because that’s not REAL LIFE. Motherhood can be hard – you write that honestly. Death is brutal – you write that honestly. Such is life.
I’ll end with what I say each and every time I read some letter like that one you posted. WHY do they read your blog/any blog they dislike then? Don’t read it then! That’s the entire point of these blogs (IMO) = it’s your blog, you can write what you want to. And I and other readers out there can read what we want to. No one forces my eyes to go across your page and read the words. If they don’t like it, fine, I certainly don’t agree with everything I read. But I respect the authors in that it is THEIR PAGE and thus entitled to their own opinion/feelings.
Discussion is one thing, but complaining in such a harsh, bitter way is nothing but simply bringing unwarranted negativity.
As for me, I enjoy what you write, respect and like the honesty. Life is tough. It isn’t always pretty. Thanks for writing like you do.
Mar 20, 2010
as usual, i’m late to the party (blame work. that’s what i do.)
half of me wants to say, “water off a ducks back, babe. don’t give the haters time or space to get into your brain. tell em to blow goats and then forget em.”
the other half wants to say, “post it up and share the burden. post up the email address it came from, too.”
i think you should do what you feel like you need to do at the time. i think what would hurt me most is being slammed for trying to keep tanner at the forefront. as long as you know that whole letter, and ESPECIALLY the part about tanner, is fucking bullshit.
Stone Fox´s last blog ..Joining the 21st century
Mar 20, 2010
well, I think the person is truly mentally disturbed. Narcissistic personality disorder jumps to mind with its hallmarks of arrogance, patronization, and lack of empathy. And of course the need for audience that a narcissist must have in order to survive.
that, or obviously his/her momma didn’t teach him/her any better.
whereas you, HBM, are clearly the better in all of this. and CLEARLY undeserving of all that hate. and oh so CLEARLY deserving of every single one of the positive comments from myself and every one of the persons who has given you love and support here. karma, baby, karma (or as I tell my kids, “eventually there is justice in the world.”)
be kind to yourself. HUGS.
Mar 20, 2010
That is so disgusting – it’s beyond words.
Zoey @ Good Goog´s last blog ..Stop Crying Your Heart Out
Mar 20, 2010
I’m sorry I didn’t offer my support before, but I’m so glad you posted again and gave me the opportunity now.
Though I don’t always give comments filled with rainbows, puppies and sunshine, I do always admire your courage for posting your underbelly for the world to see. Bravo for that. That is a gift you give the world.
Mar 21, 2010
[...] then there was the hate letter that Her Bad Mother posted on her blog, a letter that was so hateful and shocking that I was surprised that it was [...]
Mar 21, 2010
First of all, I love your blog so much. I’ve never once thought you exploited your children, your nephew, or anybody else in your family.
Second of all, who cares if you’re making money from more traffic to your blog. I don’t know how that works actually, but something about ads? Again, who cares? We all need to earn money to survive.
You are all kinds of wonderful.
Sunny´s last blog ..Lists
Mar 21, 2010
Nice. Why do people not understand that they can exercise their right to click away from something they don’t want to read? Honestly. I’ve had a few such comments on my blog (one of which actually was in response to a link I made to your abortion doula post!) and they’ve all been left anonymously. There will always be people who love to dump and run. Can’t help that. Just know there are those of us who appreciate and enjoy your honestly and talent. Don’t stop speaking your truth.
Kristin´s last blog ..Readers I want to do
Mar 22, 2010
I don’t get it. That was a long letter; that took some time to write. It was obviously spell-checked (for God’s sake, “Tutus for Tanner” was in QUOTATION MARKS) and the punctuation was perfect. Someone took one hell of a lot of time out of their life to insult and attack you. Why?
Here are a few things I’d do if I found myself with 30 minutes of free time on my hands: find some blogs I like and want to encourage and leacve some nice comments there; stroll out to the local bakery and buy some fresh cheesecake; read a couple of chapters of that book I am dying to finish; tickle Alex’s tummy and kiss his eyes. I would NOT write a hate e-mail!
WarsawMommy´s last blog ..BREAKING NEWS!
Mar 22, 2010
You know, some people are just like that. And they really believe what they say. And they truly believe they are right.
I forget the name of the disorder: it’s not narcissism. Something else: where they can’t understand that there may be another side of things, I wish I could remember. But, anyway, she thinks she’s right…and the rest of us NORMALS!! sit there with our mouths hanging open going “whaaaaaaaaaaa?” b/c it is so truly unbelievable that someone would want to be that hateful and spew such garbage.
Why make the world uglier? I don’t understand it? We are here to encourage, uplift, communicate, share our lives…feel a sense of belonging, and make someone’s day lighter.
That’s what you’ve always done with your humor.
I’ve never commented before, but I had to with this one. You make me smile, and feel less lonely…so piss on the anonymous angry ugly emailer.
Mar 22, 2010
What kind of person writes that? Wow. I am so sorry this was even sent to you. I have no idea who you are or what motivates you – I guess I’ve never spent that much time analyzing you before. Maybe I’m too “simple” in that I believe if you don’t like it, don’t read it. Perhaps the writer of that rant should look at their life that way: if they don’t like your blog they shouldn’t read it. Seems like a simple fix to me. Keep writing!!
Phoenix Rising´s last blog ..Mmmm….
Mar 22, 2010
[...] are the anonymous trolls that live under the virtual bridges of the Internet, coming out to swat and bite and snarl. And then [...]
Mar 25, 2010
When I see something this hateful, all I can think is the person who wrote it must be miserable with herself and her life. Why spend so much time and energy spewing such venom when you could be looking at what’s wrong inside YOU that got you so riled up in the first place.
My mantra: I would much rather be happy than right.
Mar 25, 2010
Here is the thing I don’t get, and I said this on Sweetney’s post as well. Just don’t read blogs you don’t like. It isn’t hard. There is an x at the top of your screen for a reason.
Life is to short for hatemail.
jodifur´s last blog ..And The Decision Comes From A Bunny
Mar 26, 2010
I haven’t been online in a few days and just saw this. All I have to say is what a hateful bitch! If she doesn’t like what you have to say on YOUR blog then she should quit reading it and FUCK OFF! I don’t know you personally but from reading your blog for the last 2 years you are an awesome woman and your posts have helped me out of some pretty deep, dark, depressing shit…way too much to go into here.
I remember reading a quote that hung on the wall of my 5th grade english class everyday that still resonates with me…”What is popular is not always right and what is right is not always popular”. You write because it is RIGHT for YOU. What you write about is not always going to be popular and as hard as it is to turn away from the negativity (why do we as women torture ourselves with what someone else thinks?)you know yourself and you know your life and you have to (we all have to) live our lives for ourselves, for our children and partners and be confident in who we are. We are all on our own path. OUR OWN PATH. Others may not like the way we choose to live our life but it just does not matter what they think. PERIOD. Hit delete next time. You’re too good to give that jealous bitch or any others like her your attention.
Big hugs to you and all of the other Moms out there pouring their hearts out on blogs for us to read…it’s raw, it’s real, it’s comforting and it’s inspirational.
Mar 26, 2010
Seriously? That letter writer and all the others that cut you down are total asses. Keep telling your stories– they keep me sane. And to all those who would critique you for telling them– f*ck ‘em.
Mar 27, 2010
Not sure if I’ve ever commented before, but I’ve been following (read stalking) your blog for a while now. I don’t know you and neither does the person who wrote that letter, so how can they judge you? I’m sorry you and anybody else going through this has to deal with the haters just because you want to document your life. Keep on blogging, you are an amazing person, and surely you have a lot more supporters than haters.
Mar 28, 2010
[...] herbadmother, a blog I’ve been reading since it started, posted this and I urge you to go and read the rest of the post and the email she received that prompted her to post: Our voices aren’t free so long as we’re [...]
Mar 30, 2010
Catherine, I want to say ‘thank you’ for standing up to haters like this.
Unfortunately people like this keep scaredy cats like me from blogging. I don’t think I could cope with the negativity.
I am always gobsmacked by how horrible some people are – did you see some of the comments fairly recently on a news site about NieNie? The level of hate, from a few people, for a woman who has been disfigured and who will suffer for life, horrified me.
I think we should all have a policy of looking away from ‘trainwrecks’ instead of stopping to gawk and by that I mean, that I agree with an earlier commenter, that the minute ‘we’ see ‘hate’ in an email or a comment we should delete it and not read on. That way the hater and their poison are rendered impotent. (Not that you need my advice)
Mar 31, 2010
[...] crap down to the furthest reaches of my heart and to the very tips of my toes, and, also, who knows what kind of hatred such a post on friendship and beauty might draw, and, ugh, [...]
Apr 1, 2010
Hi, I don’t have a blog, but I read a few…yours being one…Redneck another one…and a few more…don’t even remember how I came to reading blogs, but here I am. I guess I’m just a simple country (canadian) gal that just cannot imagine how someone could be so mean and hateful to you for expressing your feelings…having lost my dad and my mom, I walked with you through your pain, and no, sorry, it never really goes away. I feel privileged that you would share that with me, yes thats what I feel, that you are sharing with me. Forgetting the hundreds…thousands..that read your blog also, sometimes it seems like you are only talking to me. No I’m not some kookie obsessed follower, just another lady who is living life, and my dear that is all I see you doing. If you start blogging about your kids shitting rainbows…well I am outta here…you blog about LIFE….we all live it, just sometimes what is blogged is so fake, you can see right through it. I have no idea how a blog works, what you get money for, and I don’t really care. If I like what I am reading I will stay, if I don’t I will move on, and believe me I have left some blogs in the dust…lol…..Carry on my friend, and know that some of us really do enjoy you, the good, the bad, and the ugly….SUCH is life…we all have to do it….good wishes & prayers for you, your family, and your sweet nephew…..and Redneck as well…xo