Coloring Between The Lines

February 21, 2011

There are things that one knows about one’s self, and things that one doesn’t. I know, for example, that words make me happy and that I love my children and that I can, when I try, be very funny, and that I am introverted (yes, really) and that I am good at philosophy and at making soup and that I love the smell of lilacs. I know, too, that I am prone to anxiety and depression, but that I am able to cope with these with the help of the love and support of my family and by writing and with a certain quantity of pharmaceuticals. What I don’t know is how big a role my proneness to anxiety and depression plays on the stage of my psyche – whether it is a starring role or a bit part, whether its strutting and fretting defines the production in some critical way or is just a nuance, just theatrical flair – and whether, or the extent to which, it shapes who I am. What I also don’t know: how much it effects how my children regard me, and how they will remember me. Keep reading…

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The Monster In The Closet

August 18, 2010

It was just one night, and one night, measured against the course of a lifetime, doesn’t seem all that significant. But it was a dark night, and I have never been able to shed the weight of the memory of it. I have never been able to put it, as they say, in perspective. I [...]

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Rock, Meet Hard Place. Hard Place, Meet Naked Astronaut.

April 19, 2010

I was scared to come back to the Internet this week. I was scared, because I thought that I couldn’t come back unless I explained why I’d had to take a break, and explaining why I’d had to take a break was something that I did not want to do, because it was just too [...]

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On The Flip Side

April 15, 2010

(No, really. It’s an actual holiday. You should probably take the day off.) (I’m taking the day off. I’m actually going to take a couple of days off. I need a little break from the Internet. My heart is heavy and my head is full and I just don’t know how to put it into [...]

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April 8, 2010

I am struggling to remind myself that it is spring. I can smell it in the warm rain and hear it in the call of the robins plucking earthworms from my garden and see it in the green shoots pushing their way up out of the earth, but I am having trouble feeling it. My [...]

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Camera Lucida, Sad Kitteh Edition

March 30, 2010

This image pretty much sums up how I’m feeling these days: Smashed Kitteh, Found Curbside On George Street One Early Spring Morning (mixed media, 2010, artist unknown) I don’t whether it’s the shattered glass, the intimations of alcohol dependency, the desecrative wad of gum stuck to the frame, or the fact that someone had a [...]

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I Measure Every Grief I Meet

February 12, 2010

Alexander McQueen died this week. He committed suicide, and he did so, in part, it seems, because of his bereavement over the death of his mother earlier this month. This is going to sound awful, terrible, extreme, insane… but… I think that I know – maybe, a little bit – how he felt.

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What A Girl Wants

January 27, 2010

My husband had a vasectomy last year. There was a lot of discussion around it – another baby would not have been unwelcome, and so I wasn’t eager to close off the possibility – but we both knew that it would be madness for me to risk repeating the more or less pretty awfully terrible [...]

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We, Who Need Such Great Mysteries

January 8, 2010

I think that I’m stuck in the denial stage of grief. It’s not that I deny the fact that my father is dead – his ashes sit in a box on my mantle, surrounded, at the moment, by a few Christmas ornaments and my kids’ picture with Santa and Emilia’s bardo-drawing – it’s that I [...]

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What A Difference A Snow Witch Makes

January 4, 2010

I wanted this year to start with laughter and smiles and cookies and fizzy soda. I didn’t want confetti and champagne and fireworks and streamers – I just wanted smiling. I just wanted this year to start happy. I’m still trying to find the happy. Yes, my heart lifts when I hug my children and [...]

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