Of Shoes And Ships And Sealing Wax And Hoarding Stuff And Things

My dad was a hoarder. When he died, they had to cut through the outside wall of his house to remove his remains. There simply wasn’t room for the coroner to get him through the packed hallway, the corridors lined with stuff. They cut a hole in the wall and pulled out the contents of the room. Including my dad.

Someone thought to board the wall with a piece of plywood, afterward.

The coroner said to me, if you don’t have to go there, you maybe shouldn’t. Someone else said, see if the insurance company will hire cleaners. Someone else said to me, if you go, you have to remember, this is not who he is.

I went. I was afraid, but I went.

My mom came with me. When we got there and went inside, she cried. I stood in his kitchen and looked at the boxes and the books and the electronics and the crocheted wall hangings and the computers – the dozens of computers – and the tools and the CD cases and I ran my fingers over a stack of disemboweled laptops and I thought, oh, Dad.

I might have actually spoken the words aloud. I can’t recall. Oh, Dad, I thought. You had nothing to be ashamed of.

He didn’t. He doesn’t.

***

My dad wasn’t always a hoarder. I probably wouldn’t even call him that, were it not for the ubiquity of the term, a ubiquity reinforced, in large part, by the television show ‘Hoarders.’ He was a pack-rat, an eccentric, a recluse, a collector, an artist, a dreamer, a devoted recycler and a fanatic tinkerer. In the sunny years of our suburban bliss, before mental illness and infidelity and divorce shattered what seemed a domestic dreamworld, his collecting was contained to basements and attics and sheds, his tinkering and inventing activities that occurred in his den or workshop or some other such sacred space. When the dreamworld fell to pieces, he shed the costume of suburban professional and grew out his hair and devoted himself to the things that he loved: collecting, making, building, inventing, thinking, worrying, dreaming. And he became a hoarder.

Dreamers don’t necessarily accumulate lots of stuff. Collectors do. So do tinkerers, builders, inventors and, sometimes, worriers. My dad was all of these. My dad accumulated a lot of stuff.

And so his home became like an overstuffed wunderkammer, a vinyl-sided cabinet of curiosities (2 bed/1 bath) filled to the ceiling with treasures and would-be treasures and could-be treasures (once the wiring was fixed/the batteries changed/the hard drive replaced/the surface polished/etc) and papers and photos and all the ephemera of a life spent dreaming and imagining and writing and building and fixing and keeping, always keeping. It wasn’t particularly dirty; his treasures, especially the electronic ones, the computers and the media players and the robot – yes, the robot – needed to be kept dust-free, and so the effect was more storage locker than junkyard. But it was crowded, so crowded, and I could see why the coroner and the friends that came that night to usher him, finally, out of his home, might say, you know, that – all that – was not your dad.

But it was. It was. My dad was deep piles of stuff: he was a wunderkammer, a cabinet of curiosities filled to bursting, dusty around the edges, the core hard to reach, impenetrable depths but so much fascinating stuff spread across the surface that you could spend a rewarding eternity just exploring his superficialities. And as I stood in his space that first day – in his Fortress of Solitude, his lifeworld – I felt utterly at peace with who he was and how he lived and all around me I saw treasure, the rich treasure of him and the material world that he created for himself and I whispered a silent prayer that he hear me when I said, oh, Dad, there was nothing to be ashamed of.

****

So, yeah, the show, ‘Hoarders:’ I sometimes see people talking about it on Twitter and Facebook and wherever and the tenor of the discussion is always the same: oh, my god, can you believe that? Oh, god, ew. Oh, GOD: a dead cat! Feces! Oh, my god! Ew! EW! And, sometimes: I totally have the urge now to clean my house, oh my god.

(how can people live like that?)

(thank god they’re getting help.)

(oh, god, ew. EW.)

I have not said these things. But I have thought them.

The cases that are featured on the show are, to a one, extreme. Someone’s cat is crushed under debris. Someone’s home is littered with human feces. Someone’s goats are chewing through the walls to pilfer through the mess and abscond with litter. Everyone is sad, pathetic, shamed. Their families weep. How can they live like this? They’re sick. They’re sick. They’re dying from their stuff.

The show aims to shock, to appall. It works to provoke our horror, our fear, by parading the people it features as freaks, and then reassures us with that very freakishness. There but for the grace of Clorox and a well-organized closet go you, it warns, before quickly whispering, ah, don’t worry, these people are sick, they’re freaks, this is totally different from your laundry room, ssshhh…

And we all sit back, reassured, and go back to tweeting – oh MY GOD, did you see the DEAD CAT #hoarders #omfg – while we wonder idly whether hoarding is genetic or contagious and didn’t Aunt Beatrice have a whole lot of stuff? and, ugh, I really do need to call the cleaning lady, like, soon.

I watch, and listen, and read, and am ashamed. For myself. For my dad.

The cat-crushers do have a problem, of course. So does anyone whose feces accumulates on their kitchen floor, or anyone who, like the infamous Collyer brothers, gets squashed by a mountain of old newspapers. But raising awareness of hoarding as a mental illness (which is problematic to begin with, because the hoarding is likely to be a symptom of some other mental illness – my dad was clinically depressed – and not simply an illness in itself) by presenting the most extreme cases – as spectacle, to shock and horrify – is no more effective than raising awareness of post-partum depression by creating a reality show called DEPRESSED MOMS and featuring only women who are struggling with psychosis and failing and shouting things about INTRUSIVE THOUGHTS. You know, the sick moms, the moms who have had their kids taken away, the moms who freak us the f*ck out, even those of us still taking meds.

Shock doesn’t create awareness. It just shocks.

And it shames.

***

I don’t think that there should be any shame in mess. Nor in mental illness. To the extent that we are repulsed by disorder – literal or figurative – we are, I think, repulsed by that which we do not understand, that which we cannot make sense of, that which challenges the eye and mind. Neatness, tidiness, is easy: gaze upon a manicured lawn, a minimalist room, where there is nothing to disrupt or offend one’s line of sight, and there is nothing to think about, nothing to provoke the imagination. As one writer pointed out in a New York Times article a few years ago, “mess tells a story: you can learn a lot about people from their detritus, whereas neat — well, neat is a closed book. Neat has no narrative and no personality (as any cover of Real Simple magazine will demonstrate).” So it goes with spaces, so it goes with minds and personalities and character: as the old office poster used to say, a clean desk is a sign of a sick mind. Although, perhaps, not sick: rather, just, less interesting.

This overstates things, obviously: we wouldn’t wish that all the world were mentally ill, just so we could all be more interesting. And to equate mental illness with interestingness is, arguably, to romanticize it, and I freely admit to wanting to romanticize my dad’s story, to make him the hero, to turn his mental illness, such as it was, into a compelling narrative, one that captures just how wonderful and fascinating he really was. But why not; why shouldn’t I do this? Why shouldn’t I look for the beauty in the complicated wiring of his brain, the mysteries of his personality, the clutter of his material world? Why shouldn’t we all do that? Why do we insist upon categorizing everything that is messy and different and strange as bad, as wrong, as disordered? We can acknowledge the dead cat and the piles of feces as problematic while still acknowledging that messiness – in our homes and in our minds and in our hearts – exists along a spectrum, an interesting spectrum, one that does not run from ‘healthy’ to ’sick’ but from ‘blank’ to ‘overfull.’

***

Wall-E was a hoarder. He totally was.

***

My dad was, I used to joke, the patron saint of lost electronic causes. He couldn’t bear to see a computer – or a video recorder or a VCR or an 8-track or a CD player or an old Atari gaming system – cast aside as junk. Everything old could be made (as good as) new again; revived, reinvented, renewed. He was, in this, Heideggerian: our appropriate relationship to technology was, for him, one that engaged material things, one that put us, literally, into meaningful, active relationship with things. Casting things aside, disposing of things, living a life that viewed the material world as ephemeral, disposable, transitory, rejectable was to deny relationship with things, to insist upon a lifeworld based on mastery over things, a lifeworld based on putting-things-to-service and then casting-them-aside. The sterile, tidy world of the person who ‘minimalizes’ would be, for him, one that denied our essential dependence upon things, much as if one were to decide against the emotional clutter of long-term committed relationships because of the essential complicatedness, the necessary messiness and crowdedness that comes with plus-ones and -twos and -threes (or more). Yes, one could keep one’s emotional life tidier by minimizing relationships and treating these as disposable where possible or necessary, but it would be, obviously, emptier.

So with things. So with things. We might object that embracing things, surrounding ourselves with things, loving things is the very root of our environmental problems, the overburdening of our planet. But  who is the better steward of the earth: the person who keeps and treasures and tinkers with things, who refuses to throw things away because so many things have value, or the person who treats ‘things’ as disposable, who regards the broken, the busted, the tarnished, the torn as junk? Why do we always need to sweep everything clean? Why must everything always be shiny and new?

We have problems with garbage because we are constantly throwing things away and replacing them. Maybe if we all did a little more keeping, a little more junk-treasuring, a little more hoarding, we’d be better off.

As I said, Wall-E was a hoarder.

***

It took me – and my mom, and, later, my husband – a little over a month to go through my dad’s stuff and clear away what needed to be cleared away, and even then we only got about halfway through. We’re going back over Christmas to – we hope – finish the job. I’m dreading it. I’m dreading doing it, and I’m dreading finishing it. Because doing this work does mean sweeping things clean, gathering up the mess of his lifeworld and throwing it away or packing it away and with every item that gets tossed or trashed or discarded there’s a tug at my heart, a resistance, a reluctance to let go. (I could tell you, perhaps, about climbing into the dumpster that I’d arranged to have parked outside his home, to facilitate cleaning… climbing into the dumpster in the heat of August and sobbing, sobbingsobbingsobbing, while I looked for his false teeth. I just couldn’t bear that any part of him be discarded like junk. I’ve had to struggle to resist regarding all of his material things as extensions of him. It is difficult to talk about. I’m trying to talk about it now.)

And this is what this is all about, isn’t it, not wanting to let go? I don’t want to let go of his things because I don’t want to let go of him; he didn’t want to let go of his things, I think, for similar reasons. There’s no shame in that. There’s no shame in admitting that there is comfort in stuff, in the things that participate in defining us and the people that we love, and that that comfort exerts a powerful pull. That releasing oneself from the embrace of that comfort (me, in his bedroom, after it had been scrubbed clean, surrounded by his shelves of books and paper and photos of wife and children and grandchildren and cough drops and pens and magnifying glasses and a few dead butterfly specimens, looking at the stuff he looked at before he went to sleep every night, hugged by his spirit) (him, before death, surrounded by the artifacts of his past, the building blocks of his future, his amusements, his dreams, looking at these before he went to sleep every night, hugged by his memories) is hard, so hard. He had to let go, of course; you can’t take it with you. I have to let go, too, because his lifeworld, his things, are just that, his, and he’s gone now and I have a life and a lifeworld and my own illness-or-not-illness and my own deep piles of stuff.

Of which I am not ashamed. I refuse to be ashamed.

And I refuse to ever again watch Hoarders.

Posted by Her Bad Mother on December 8, 2009 3:32 pm • Dad, depression, fearless, heavy • 157 comments  

157 Comments

1. daysgoby Said,

   December 8, 2009 @ 3:39 pm

   Damned straight.
   daysgoby´s last blog ..hazy shades of winter

2. Annika Said,

   December 8, 2009 @ 3:39 pm

   No shame. This is beautiful.
   Annika´s last blog ..The Saga of the Stove.

3. Melissa Said,

   December 8, 2009 @ 3:41 pm

   Beautiful. Thank you.

4. jenB Said,

   December 8, 2009 @ 3:42 pm

   I totally understand your problem with Hoarders. Perhaps I do watch it partially for the OMG factor, but I watch it to understand myself, I have hoarding issues. And I watch it to silently give empathy to people, or watch people break through the disease, it is satisfying. Heartbreaking. I watch Intervention as well, for similar reasons, and because I lost a friend to addiction. I often cry when I watch. Part of me is glad that is had been brought out in the open and that people will watch and UNDERSTAND and sympathize with those who are afflicted. Many people who have been hiding and ashamed and not aware they aren’t just “messy” or disorganized, dirty or lazy. Perhaps my watching it contributes to ratings and enable people who watch it to enjoy the horror of it all. I suspect, like alcoholism and addiction, almost every family has been touched by Hoarding. I am sorry the show and us watching it makes you feel such an intense emotional response. I am going to reconsider my addiction to watching it and think about the irony there.

   love

   xo
   jenB´s last blog ..Thing I did in NYC while alive

   

   Her Bad Mother Reply:
   December 8th, 2009 at 5:16 pm

   xoxox, Jen, really.

5. Jen Said,

   December 8, 2009 @ 3:45 pm

   For reasons I won’t go into, this post spoke to me. RIGHT TO ME. Thanks for putting it out there.

6. Carrie Said,

   December 8, 2009 @ 3:46 pm

   That is a wonderful WONDERFUL post. I hope I can bare my soul half as much as what you have done here.

   Your dad would be proud
   Carrie´s last blog ..Follow Friday: Just when you think you’re a bad mommy…

7. Jessica Said,

   December 8, 2009 @ 3:48 pm

   Good for you. Great Post.

8. Hollie Said,

   December 8, 2009 @ 3:49 pm

   Hun,
   I so get and understand and agree, by the way I had the same kind of father. After his death the things I found…and found out as we cleaned. Some shocked me, and some left me in awe. When it was all said and done I walked away with a deeper appreciation for my dad.
   Hollie´s last blog ..Becoming a Grandmother of Sorts and Wanting Tips

9. ljpock Said,

   December 8, 2009 @ 3:51 pm

   You loved your Dad as he was, for who he was – may we all be so lucky to have people to love us so completely in our lives.

10. Leah Said,

    December 8, 2009 @ 3:59 pm

    Rather than say whether I agree or disagree, I’m just going to say you’ve made me think, and sometimes, I venture, that’s even more powerful than swaying someone one way or another (either to change her mind or to defend more adamantly her dissenting position). So, thanks for making me think, C.

    

    Her Bad Mother Reply:
    December 8th, 2009 at 8:33 pm

    thanks for saying so

11. Rhia Said,

    December 8, 2009 @ 3:59 pm

    Lovely. Thank you.

12. Julie @ The Mom Slant Said,

    December 8, 2009 @ 3:59 pm

    I have not watched Hoarders.

    I have been a pack rat and a slob. I’ve had people express disgust at my living conditions (college dorm room was particularly awful). Every year, my mother gave me a birthday card that poked fun at what a disaster my room always was.

    It hurt. Maybe it helped push me to clean up my act, but it hurt anyway.

    Shows like Hoarders make me sad for the very real people behind the program.

13. Amy @ Muddy Boots Said,

    December 8, 2009 @ 4:17 pm

    Of all your posts about your dad, this is the one that will stay with me the longest. Wonderfully written, thoughtful and thought-provoking. Gosh, your dad must be proud of you!

14. Amy @ Muddy Boots Said,

    December 8, 2009 @ 4:17 pm

    P.S. “Mess tells a story”… HOW TRUE.

15. Elizabeth Said,

    December 8, 2009 @ 4:19 pm

    Bravo.

16. Kendra Said,

    December 8, 2009 @ 4:19 pm

    Thank you for saying this better than I ever could. My grandmother was the same way, except her mental illness revolved around money and you had to have that stuff to sell in case something happened to the money she hid in the house. I was ashamed when we had to clean out her house of 60+ years…until I remembered how fun grandma’s house was when we were kids. It was a treasure hunt and I never knew what I might find and grandma would always let me keep whatever I found. Remembering that made me not ashamed of what issues she had and remembered her for the wonderful woman she was.

17. JaniceNW/CrazedMom Said,

    December 8, 2009 @ 4:20 pm

    Never be ashamed of your dad. I bet Einstein collected. Alexander Graham Bell. Most everything on REALITY tv is hyperbole. Many hoarders have OCD or depression. I have thousands of books because I adore books. Not because of instability. I have kept many of my son’s socks, outfits, blankets because he is gone but these remind me of the sweet baby I was blessed to know for 10 months outside and 9 months inside me.

    So many reasons for keepsakes. Sad that ‘they’ try to make us feel guilty for keeping memories and our life stories.

    GREAT POST!

    Hugs.

    PS I still miss my mom and my son even though they’ve been gone for over a decade.
    JaniceNW/CrazedMom´s last blog ..Note to Self

18. Michelle Said,

    December 8, 2009 @ 4:22 pm

    I’ve been watching hoarders. I don’t know why, because every time I watch it, it makes me sad. It makes me sad for these people that are basically being called out on national television for doing the only thing they really know how to do. For hanging on to things that belong to them and watching people that are completely disgusted throw their STUFF away. It makes me think of my grandmother who was definitely a hoarder to some extent. And it just makes me so sad. While most people can’t understand living in conditions like that, or hanging on to things that don’t make sense to them….for MANY many people it’s a reality. I realize that these people agree to be on national television, but it seems so forced. While I think the idea behind helping people clean up the mess that is toxic and a health hazard, I feel like they are also taking away a part of those people when they make them throw away THINGS. Feces, and dead cats – obviously NEED to be thrown away. But it breaks my heart to see these people having to part with things they aren’t ready to part with.

    Again, I don’t know why I watch it because it makes me sad. But I do.

    I hope that when you go over Christmas to finish at your dad’s house that it brings you some closure. While I know it’s got to be hard to throw away things that you know were dear to his heart, I hope that some sort of healing can come out of it. I’m so sorry I don’t think there is anything that anyone can say to lessen the blow. *HUGS*
    Michelle´s last blog ..♥Merry SITSmas!

19. Casey Said,

    December 8, 2009 @ 4:24 pm

    great post! I never watch that Hoarders or any other show like it, I did once and it angered me so very much. All I saw were people getting yelled at and being shamed about the way they were living, I don’t see that as being much help at all. The people who live that way actually need help not someone to just clean for them once and then leave them. I had a friend who’s mom I suspect now is most likely a hoarder, when we were teenagers we didn’t realize that it was anything but a big mess, we cleaned up the place for her multiple times but it always went back to the way we found it eventually.

    anyway, back to why I commented, this was a really well written and heartfelt post! Thanks for sharing
    Casey´s last blog ..christmas ornament swap #1

20. Gina Said,

    December 8, 2009 @ 4:29 pm

    My aunt is a hoarder (though also not the dead cat variety). She never married or had kids – I am all she has. And I know someday the time will come for mew to have to deal with her house and her stuff, and I am afraid.
    Gina´s last blog ..NEOL

21. baltimoregal Said,

    December 8, 2009 @ 4:39 pm

    Catherine, I feel for you that you have gone through this and I am sorry if I contributed to this in any way.

    I go back and forth on it- this show, the premise of “help” or “problem” shows. On the one hand, it’s an invasion and allows mockery of troubled peoples’ lives. On the other hand, if it weren’t for the show, I doubt these people would have gotten the help they’re getting. I also feel Jen’s point about Intervention. That show is, in many ways, my life and when I watch it I am often sobbing. And it has the same effect that Hoarders does on its subjects. That said, I think it gives people who have not experienced the disorder (either one) an opportunity to learn about it and perhaps sympathize with it? To look for warning signs in those they know and love? Even those who may joke about it as a way of coping with what they can’t initially process.

    Love to you.

    

    Her Bad Mother Reply:
    December 9th, 2009 at 11:09 am

    No worries, friend.

    As I’ve said a few times here, it’s the extremeness of it that I find challenging. It *may* sometimes show less extreme examples, but for the most part it’s all the far-out cases and it makes it seem like hoarding *is* all dead cats and feces, such that I feel like, WOW, how could I ever tell anyone my dad was a hoarder, when all anyone will think now is oh, EW, did he kill his cats or shit on his floor?

    Obviously, I overcame that. And maybe I should thank Hoarders for provoking me. But, yeah.

    xoxo

22. Jessi Said,

    December 8, 2009 @ 4:40 pm

    I can’t describe how this post makes me feel. I actually watched my first and last episode of Hoarders this week. For the same reasons, sort of. I have known and loved hoarders. Hoarders who did not have dead cats or feces in their living rooms. Hoarders who surrounded themselves with the things they loved, for reasons that can’t be easily explained. I feel a tug on my sanity when I am faced with it. I do feel that there-but-for-the-grace-of-God feeling every time I see someone struggle with it.

    Thank God for people like you who love someone, anyone, so completely and totally and in spite of/because of the things that turn others away.

23. jen Said,

    December 8, 2009 @ 4:55 pm

    My mom is a hoarder. I haven’t been to her house in about 2 years, because she lives several states away and it is not safe for my kids to be there. She come to visit us.

    She has decided to move to be closer to her children and grandchildren and she is overwhelmed with the idea of packing up her house. Her eyes fill with tears when she talks about it. “How bad is it, Mom?” I ask her. “Not THAT bad,” she says. But she’s ashamed to talk about her clutter, her stuff, and I don’t know how to break through, to convince her it’s okay, I don’t care, I will help her dig out. It’s so hard.

24. verybadcat Said,

    December 8, 2009 @ 4:57 pm

    My Mom hoards. She is a “clean horder”, as you describe your father, who collected but did not allow his living conditions to be unsanitary.

    It has always seemed to me that Mama clings to things because they give her a comfort and security she cannot reliably receive or give to others. Things do not judge. Things do not forget to call. Things do not take harsh tones or use harsh words. Her things give her a sense of safety, of potential, of possibility.

    Over the years, we have gently weaned her from huge collections of purses and the nice bags you get when you make a purchase at a department store. I spent three whole days organizing her photo collection for her.

    What remains are her bits and bobs for future craft projects (that will never see the light of day), memories and mementos, odds and ends. I would sooner gouge an eye out than take them from her. Not because it would be World War Three. Because those things are as much a part of her as her toes and elbows.
    verybadcat´s last blog ..Surrender

25. Megs Said,

    December 8, 2009 @ 5:01 pm

    Wow. Thank you for this. You have articulated so much, so close, to what I would love to be able to say about my own father, accumulator of televisions, builder of robots.

    My father lives in a small, low ceilinged, 2 bedroom house stuffed to its poorly constructed gills with stuff. Mostly old television sets, taken apart, re-worked into frames for collages or dioramas. His front, side and back yards are filled with “robots”–junk sculptures made of mainly electronics/appliances, most of them portraits or shrines to family members. My dead brother is the most often featured person in his TVs or robots, but I am there too.

    Yes, the stuff can get in the way. Literally, my son and I cannot stay with him when we visit. And the stuff edges things, things I want to talk about, things I need to talk about, out of the conversation (let us not discuss unpleasant, personal things…let us talk about a lot of 37 TVs with o speakers inherited from a demolished prison).

    But he is who he is. A collector, an artist, my father. I am not ashamed, either.
    Megs´s last blog ..Working on the night wean.

26. Bridget Said,

    December 8, 2009 @ 5:03 pm

    I am so often moved by your writing. But this? This is the most amazing thing I think you’ve written(at least as long as I’ve been reading).

    Grace and peace to you.

27. Kristabella Said,

    December 8, 2009 @ 5:06 pm

    I watch Hoarders. And honestly, I don’t watch it to think “now I feel better because at least I’m not THAT badly off! WHEW!”

    I have to say, it has been a very enlightening show. I had no idea that there were such extreme cases of hoarding. And while I agree with you that they sensationalize the show, I think they are also shedding light on a subject that no one knows about until it gets to be so extreme.

    What I want to know is if you feel the same way about Intervention? Because shouldn’t that fall into the same category? Those addictions are the same as mental illnesses, but I don’t see you rising up against all the people who watch Intervention and say “I’m glad that’s not me.”

    My dad died of alcoholism. So watching shows like Intervention are HARD for me. It hits very close to home. But it also makes it a lot easier to talk to friends and family about it because until you see it, see the damage it does, see how hard it is to love someone who is an addict or who has mental health issues, you just don’t know. With shows like Intervention and Celebrity Rehab, people had gotten an insight into what my childhood was like and what kind of life I had and how hard it was.

    So yes, they sensationalize it for TV, but I think it also serves an educational purpose and shines a light on illnesses and disorders that aren’t so common place. And if these shows can help even one person with their disorder, addiction or mental illness, then it is worth it to me.
    Kristabella´s last blog ..End Of An Era

    

    Her Bad Mother Reply:
    December 8th, 2009 at 5:15 pm

    I’m not rising up against anybody. I was just expressing how it felt to see the commentary. And I can’t speak to Intervention, because I haven’t watched it.

    What I can say is this, Hoarders – in its current incarnation – makes it harder for me to talk about ‘hoarding’ because it does only present the extreme of hoarding. Because it does that, I’m afraid (was afraid) to even whisper the word ‘hoarder’ because Hoarders has made it synonymous with dead cats and filth. Hoarders doesn’t show ‘clean’ hoarding. It doesn’t explore the mental illnesses that might undergird various forms of hoarding. It shows extreme hoarding and presents the hoarding itself as the illness. And it usually presents it in a shocking way. So someone watching Hoarders *doesn’t* get any insight into my father, or into the experience of having a hoarder as a father. It’d be as if Intervention only showed *violent* alcoholics – not all alcoholics are violent, after all, and if the show suggested that they were, well, mightn’t one have a problem with that?

    My issue isn’t that there is such a show, it’s that such a show plays the issue for shock value. It hurts anyone for whom the issue is not a matter of shock and horror and disgust. It hurt me. That’s all I’m saying.

    

    Kristabella Reply:
    December 8th, 2009 at 5:26 pm

    Actually, not all the episodes of Hoarders are about the extreme filth. It is about people who are compulsive hoarders in all senses. Some hoard food, some hoard animals and some just hoard stuff. There are plenty of episodes that aren’t like the ones last night, where people live in the house, these “clean” hoarders you speak about.

    But it is still an issue. And it is an issue a lot of people don’t understand. And it doesn’t just tell the story of people coming in to clean. It shows that it is indeed also a mental illness and that people need more than just someone to take their junk away. And that it effects more than just the person hoarding the stuff.

    I think the show does some good. This is an issue that is largely misunderstood. And the people who have been featured, they want help, they need help and for a lot of them, they don’t have any other options.

    I’d rather see those women from last night both sensationalized on TV because both of them had major breakthroughs and got help. Finally. And had it not been for this show, the woman from last night would have died in her house.
    Kristabella´s last blog ..End Of An Era

    

    Her Bad Mother Reply:
    December 8th, 2009 at 5:56 pm

    Not all of the episodes, but *most* of them, at least this year.

    The fact that so many people who discuss the show talk about the hoarding itself – and hoarding in general – as the mental illness is part of the problem, for me. Hoarding can be a symptom of OCD, of depression, of bipolar disorders, of many things. It can also be a symptom of nothing at all. Not all hoarders are ’sick.’ Not all hoarders need to be ‘cured.’ My argument in the post was for a more nuanced view of what we call hoarding, an exhortation to *not* reduce it to ‘all those poor sick people WHO MIGHT DIE.’

    I don’t mind that people watch it – *I* watched it. I mind that it’s skewed.

28. Bevin Said,

    December 8, 2009 @ 5:11 pm

    What a beautiful tribute to your father. Thank-you for writing this. I wish you peace and closure.
    Bevin´s last blog ..No report this week

29. slynnro Said,

    December 8, 2009 @ 5:17 pm

    I, for one, am with Kristabella here. My granfather was a hoarder and he died this May. I know the toll it took on my family, especially my mother, and how hard it was for her to go through that stuff after his death.

    She dealt with it initially when he was a live, and it was a horrible horrible process. But I didn’t understand HOW BAD it truly was for her, and for him, until I saw this show. And it explains so much to be about the person he was and the person he helped make my mother to be.
    slynnro´s last blog ..In the. . . Spirit of the Season?

30. slynnro Said,

    December 8, 2009 @ 5:20 pm

    One more thing- People’s reactions to things don’t define what they are. Just because you are angered by these reactions doesn’t make them what the show is about. To end on the same note as Kristabella, if it helps anyone understand their mental illness, or that of a family member, it has served a purpose.
    slynnro´s last blog ..In the. . . Spirit of the Season?

    

    Her Bad Mother Reply:
    December 8th, 2009 at 5:35 pm

    I’m not responding just to people’s reactions. I’m responding to the show itself, and to the reactions. Because the reactions *do* say something about how the show presents things – if the wide general response is horror, doesn’t that suggest that the show is presenting something horrifying?

    My argument is that – based on my own experience of knowing and loving a “hoarder” – the show doesn’t aid in understanding, because it presents what is a broad spectrum of behaviors in only one extreme form. Maybe it helps understanding one kind of hoarder, but its presentation obscures understanding of – and arguably imposes shame upon – another.

    As I said in the post, if there were a show about PPD that only showed extreme cases of psychosis, we might say, oh, good, it’s *educating* people about PPD – but we might also (and rightly) say that it was also distorting the truth of PPD – which is that it takes many forms. As someone with PPD, I’m acutely sensitive to being seen as ‘crazy’ – I would deeply resent any show that chose to focus on the extreme, crazy-seeming cases and so made the whole world of PPD seem a bizarre, sick one. Deeply.

    That’s my concern with Hoarders. I’m not angry at anyone for watching it. I’m frustrated that it’s shaping views on what hoarding is about, because hoarding *isn’t* all dead cats and feces. That’s all. I’m just arguing for more nuance.

    

    sisterofahoarder Reply:
    December 29th, 2009 at 7:30 am

    I get what you’re saying, but I don’t get it. My oldest sister is a hoarder, and she’s miserable and unhappy. I do watch the show Hoarders because I want to find out what makes these people tick. My sister has been miserable since as long as I can remember. She wasn’t happy just to be miserable in silence. Oh no! She had to bring us all down with her. Yes, it is a mental illness! Yes, it’s very hard to over come. But if I can watch Hoarders, and perhaps glean some information from it that might, just might, perhaps help my sister, then I’m going to watch. Personally, I’m really sick and tired of being brought down by my sister’s unhappiness. I honestly can’t stand it. Good for you that you can be so understanding. It literally gives me the dry heaves after 30 plus years of watching the destruction. Everything about the Hoarding show is true! Hoarders do blame their unfortunate lives on everyone else… I mean, my poor mother! My sister used to yell and scream and tantrum at my mother (I was probably only 10 at the time when it started) about how my mom RUINED my sisters life. My sister was only in her early twenties at the time. I mean, dang it, that’s when I started to live. So I’m sorry for your troubles, but Hoarders do affect those around them. Those around them want the Hoarder to be happy. From what I’ve seen, Hoarders like to wallow in their own self misery. I’m still trying to decide if I have the courage and where-with-all to cut my hoarder sister out of my life. WAY TOO MUCH wasted energy. And, may I ask, where were you while your dad was hoarding? I’m living it. Sounds like you were able to live your own life? I’m not given that option.

31. Stone Fox Said,

    December 8, 2009 @ 5:32 pm

    it saddens me that people do not understand that hoarding is a mental illness, a symptom of other mental illnesses, and an addiction. the addiction to “stuff” is just as powerful as drug addiction. i have watched the show hoarders. i disagree with you that it is all about the OMG factor – i think A&E does a good job of showing that these are real people and overcoming the addiction to hoard is a real struggle. anyone who can watch that show and see NOTHING except, “there are people in this world who are so gross! like, EW!” are shallow.

    the idea that anyone could watch hoarders and *not only* congratulate themselves for not being mentally ill, but also to shame people who are, is just.. wow.
    Stone Fox´s last blog ..Technically, I only "misplaced" the baby & Why sleepovers are awesome*

32. Alison Said,

    December 8, 2009 @ 5:34 pm

    We don’t have Hoarders here in the UK (but we have something very, very similar) which uses people as fodder for shock value, for people to gawp at and chatter to each other over the water cooler (or Twitter etc). I personally think shows like that don’t serve any educational purpose because there is no underlying message, no on-screen helpline after the show, no explanations, no after show psychologist. Just gawping.

    I found this post so moving Catherine that I barely know how to express it. My Dad too is a collector and inventor, especially of electronic stuff. He is like Heath Robinson (Rube Goldberg equivalent – don’t know who is comparable in Canada) – he made a fantastic gadget to wallpaper the ceiling out of my old upturned hamster cage, tricyle wheels,and a broom handle.
    Alison´s last blog ..Dress Your Family in Corduroy and Denim (with apologies to David Sedaris)

33. Nic Said,

    December 8, 2009 @ 5:35 pm

    I watch Hoarders. I gawk and converse with other folks on twitter doing the same.

    To be honest, I find the way Hoarders is presented, and the way the participants appear to be treated, as exceedingly respectful. I understand that the show hits too close to home, we all have those issues. What I have found disconcerting, however, are the admonitions to not watch something so sensational, or aim higher with my choices in entertainment. It’s quite incongruous when we live in a world dominated by discussions, gawping and goggling of Tiger Woods’ marriage, Britney Spears’ rise and fall, Rock of Love, The Bachelor, et cetera, et cetera to choose only what affects us and scold others for looking. If we need to aim higher, let’s also choose to elevate discourse surrounding mental illness, antidepressants, antipsychotics and benzodiazapines to be respectful, accurate depictions of mental illness,the issues surrounding it and the people it affects.

    I understand that this was difficult for you. I’d also encourage you to look at other episodes which have featured people along the lines of clean Hoarders. However, if we’re going to start a dialogue of respect, it needs to be mutual.
    Nic´s last blog ..God is Love

    

    Her Bad Mother Reply:
    December 8th, 2009 at 5:44 pm

    I didn’t admonish anyone to stop watching the show. I said that I wouldn’t watch the show anymore, but I didn’t say that anyone else had to stop watching. I’ve watched it for awhile, because, yeah, it’s relevant to me. I’ve never seen the less-extreme cases. That I haven’t seen them suggests to me that the show is skewed in favor of the shocking cases. Which, if we’re talking about elevating discourse – how does restricting our understanding of a condition elevate discourse of that condition? The only discourse that I tend to see is of the OMG variety, which isn’t surprising, because, OMG, *dead cats*

    I guess I don’t see where I’ve been disrespectful here? Expressing my discomfort with the discourse that has swirled around this show, expressing my discomfort with how the show portrays something that I have some experience with – how is this disrespectful?

    

    Nic Reply:
    December 8th, 2009 at 7:30 pm

    I think I felt uncomfortable with it because you were expressing your dissension, along with some others, during the show, while people were talking about it. It came across as you trying to sound superior to those who were watching it, and when saying things like, “it’s the character of the discourse that matters. a show that provokes all watching to go OMFG EW EW doesn’t help,” it certainly appeared that you were commenting on the discourse happening at that time.

    Your post here is a beautiful tribute to your father and I am truly sorry you were touched by this.

    

    Her Bad Mother Reply:
    December 8th, 2009 at 7:40 pm

    I wasn’t trying to sound superior. I actually made a point of not commenting directly in my own feed, and only in response to others, so that it wouldn’t come off that I was finger-wagging.

    I meant to express frustration at the show, not the viewers. I don’t know that one can help going ‘ew, ew, ew’ when the camera is lingering over soiled adult diapers

    Thank you for the sympathies.

34. ClassyFabSarah Said,

    December 8, 2009 @ 6:17 pm

    Reading this brought up this tiny little bleep in my brain that suddenly became a a waterfall of memories I didn’t even know I had.

    My grandma was a hoarder. Having grown up in the great Depression, her hoarding was a symptom of her fear – fear that she would once again be without and that she would have nothing.

    Her house was actually mostly clean and fairly “normal” looking. It was only when you opened the cabinets and closets and storage rooms that you noticed it – the obsessive piles and boxes of random stuff.

    To combat her hoarding when she was a young mom, I know that she moved her family a lot. I think my dad went to something like 10 different schools. They would up and sell their house, on a whim, basically – when her instincts told her that it was all becoming “too much” – and move. Across the country or literally across the street, leaving a lot of the “stuff” behind.

    When I think about hoarding and my grandmother – I sometimes think I have her tendencies. I like my stuff.

    Have you seen the show Clean Sweep? The host is Peter… well I can’t remember his last name but he’s much more understanding when dealing with what caused a person to become a hoarder in the first place – he acknowledges that a person doesn’t just become a hoarder because they like to shop or collect things.

    Either way, I just think that hoarding is so misunderstood. So misunderstood – and painful.
    ClassyFabSarah´s last blog ..Biggest Loser

35. SJ Said,

    December 8, 2009 @ 6:23 pm

    I have to admit that I had never seen an episode of Hoarders until just recently and the lovely social media tool known as Twitter is what had me tune in. All the comments about the shock, the horror; I had to see it for myself. Was I curious? Absolutely. I wasn’t prepared however for what I was about to see.

    Yes I was shocked. Yes I was disgusted. But most importantly, I was horrified. I was sad.

    When I watched the show I saw through all the clutter and the dead animals or whatever it was that they chose to hoard and I saw the mental illness. I saw the despair that the hoarders themselves felt, that their family members felt. I had no idea that people lived this way, or even worse, I was ignorant to the fact.

    I’m not so ignorant anymore.

    And while these people spotlighted on the show have become spectacles in peoples living rooms, I’m glad they are getting the help they need. Without the show I don’t think they’d over come their mental illness.

    And with all that said, I commend you for having no shame. I commend you for facing this and opening up this commentary for everyone to think about.

36. Heather of the EO Said,

    December 8, 2009 @ 6:27 pm

    “in our homes and in our minds and in our hearts – exists along a spectrum, an interesting spectrum, one that does not run from ‘healthy’ to ’sick’ but from ‘blank’ to ‘overfull.’”

    That right there really resonated with me.
    Just saying.

    I didn’t take you as disrespectful, just expressing an opinion, one that makes sense to me. My husband’s father is a hoarder. He’s also a genius and socially appropriate and funny and good to us. When the focus is on his hoarding, then the focus of WHO HE IS as a person becomes a bunch of negative things…sick, dirty, wrong…people’s judgments. But if the focus is on the man, there’s so much more to see. He really is just fine. He’s perfectly fine with how he lives and isn’t in any danger. (he mostly hoards newspapers and VHS tapes and TVs, not cats or poo)

    He is the reason I’ve never watched that show. It just hurts my heart to think that he has that label and now that show will be what people think of when they hear his label. And he’s not that label. He’s just not.

    I really appreciated this post.
    Heather of the EO´s last blog ..My Christmas (COUGH) Card

37. Johnny Anonymous Said,

    December 8, 2009 @ 6:33 pm

    My mother is a hoarder. I remember once in high school deciding to do something about it. I dedicated a Saturday to trying to clean up the house. I managed to clean the dining room… in 8 hours. A month later, it was like I hadn’t done anything in there.

    My folks moved to a new house a few years ago, since the house they had built for us all was too big after the three kids moved out. It sat there, unoccupied, except for the cats that they wouldn’t take with them to the new house. Finally, my brother, who has been trying to find an affordable place to live, offered to move in and renovate it.

    When he went to move in, he rented a trash skip to help with the cleanup. The contents of just the garage filled the first skipload. This included refrigerators and washing machines from her father’s house, stacks of old newspapers – “for recycling” – that hadn’t seen the light of day this decade, and enough furniture to populate the house.

    I don’t know how many more times he had to empty that skip to clear the house. At least three more times, from what I understand. And there Mom was, rummaging through it for stuff that was “worth saving”. She threw a fit after finding ONE knitting needle, because “it’s still usable”… without the other needle, and by someone who hasn’t knit in over twenty years. She pulled bags of garbage from the skip and put it in her car to take it back to their house to look through it later.

    Their new house has quickly turned into the old house. The first Christmas, we were happy to go over and celebrate with them. This year, we’ll be at the old house with my brother and his family, since my parent’s house is too much to bear again. She’ll buy multiple tubes of cookie dough because it’s on sale, and then never use it or give it to family who could use it. Boxes and bags of things she’ll never eat or put to use fill the house, alongside the new piles of newspapers for “recycling” that never gets delivered and balls of yarn for “knitting” that never gets done.

    She’s never really gotten over her father getting sick and dying, and that was twenty years ago. I’m sure this hoarding is a coping mechanism, but I can’t understand it to the extent she takes it. I wondered if I wanted to watch this show, but it sounds like I don’t. It’s hard enough dealing with my mom’s behavior; I don’t think i could bear seeing someone worse off than her. I really do wish there was something that could be done to help her, but she’s another one of those “this isn’t a problem” people.

    

    sisterofahoarder Reply:
    December 29th, 2009 at 7:41 am

    Maybe do watch the show. You might find that you are not alone with your feelings of resentment. According to the show, over 3,000,000 people are hoarders. Personally, I think it’s a lot higher. Tinkerers and electronics junkies do not count as hoarders, in my humble opinion. The sad fact is, whether mother or father or sister or brother, a hoarder WILL affect your own life… and although I DO understand it’s a brain chemistry thing, a mental illness… I’m still really angry! OMG! I mean, just recycle your G.D. newspaper for goodness sake!

38. MOAM Said,

    December 8, 2009 @ 6:36 pm

    I did this — the cleaning out of a hoarded home — and it’s such a monumental task. The difficulty is that absolutely everything is there. Every love note, every baby shoe, every piece of junk mail, every calendar for the last 50 years, because they can’t bear to part with it and now you have to decide what you can part with, and that is something that will wake you up in the middle of the night. But I have to say, if nothing else, the disorder and STUFF had its own charm, and at no point would I have called the stuff or the cleaning up of it uninteresting. Exhausting (emotionally and otherwise), yes. Uninteresting – never.
    MOAM´s last blog ..Snow Day

    

    Amanda Reply:
    December 9th, 2009 at 12:59 am

    Oh, man. I would have the last four calendars still saved up if my husband hadn’t tossed them. Luckily he hid them for a trial run first, so I could throw a fit and then spend an hour photographing all the pages… in case I needed to look up when something happened. More and more, my hard drive is where my hoarded stuff goes to die… but without my husband in the house, we wouldn’t be unpacked from moving four years ago.

    

    sisterofahoarder Reply:
    December 29th, 2009 at 8:36 am

    Honey, I hope you seek professional help. Remember, we’re all ants in this whole big universe. You can’t take it with you! I’m not being mean. But really, you can’t take it with you. It’s what’s in your heart and soul that matters most.

    

    sisterofahoarder Reply:
    December 29th, 2009 at 7:43 am

    Don’t waste your emotions over this! It’s not good for our little brains. If need be, hire someone just to chuck it all. Don’t allow yourself to be saddled with it. When it doubt, THROW IT OUT! What you don’t know is sometimes better…

39. Robyn Jones Said,

    December 8, 2009 @ 6:44 pm

    Beautiful ode to your father- thanks for sharing it out loud.

    I come from a long line of what people now call ‘hoarders.’ I tend to be spartan- hate piles and am constantly cycling stuff out of the house. That being said, I was in a gorgeous house this weekend- multi-million dollar showhome that everyone else was absolutely gaga over. It made me so sad because there was no magic, no soul in it. Beautiful everywhere, but made me think I might prefer a little of the hoarding creativity to the bland Real Simple.

40. Blaine Said,

    December 8, 2009 @ 6:56 pm

    *hugs*

    This was beautiful, and I agree wholeheartedly about the show being a shock factor, but kind of see a different side of it. Some of those families had their children taken away, and on their own, could not ‘clean’ their house out, throw away things that are not just things to them. Some of them would not have their kids back if it were not for the show, so… there’s that.

    It doesn’t justify the shock and awe campaign the show is obviously aiming for, but it does at least make me feel a little less disgusted, even though these people are obviously being exploited for ratings.

    I wish we had a system in place (I’m in Canada, but it should be there in the US) to help out people MORE, people who have disorders/diseases/illnesses. Whatever the name, people need help and should be able to get it.

    The show might also give someone who does have a hoarding problem the courage to do something about it, to ask for help. Or it might trigger something in someone who knows someone and may want to offer to help.

    Either way, the show sucks, I don’t think people should be filmed during some of the most psychologically demanding/trying times of their lives. They should get the help, camera-free.

41. Cairelle Said,

    December 8, 2009 @ 7:08 pm

    This is one of the most amazing blog posts I’ve ever read. It brought tears to my eyes, for more reasons than one.

    *hugs*

42. all things BD Said,

    December 8, 2009 @ 7:22 pm

    I really appreciated this post. My mom took in a woman and her adult daughter who are neighbors. The mother had surgery, and they couldn’t get a wheelchair/walker into their mobile home. I didn’t realize until later that it was because they were hoarders.

    They are still there after a year, and have turned a room in my mom’s house into a version of their home, as well as the fridge and freezer. They can’t move back in because now they have even MORE stuff, and my mom can’t bear to kick them out, but it’s getting to her.

    I appreciate your post because it reminds me to really try and understand what they’re going through, rather than being horrified or angry at the visual.
    all things BD´s last blog ..Snow Day!

43. Moses Said,

    December 8, 2009 @ 7:48 pm

    Catherine,

    Your passage was very moving. My late father suffered from paranoid schizophrenia and he hoarded, too. As the years wore on it became more and more bizarre. He collected everything. The basement brimmed with tools and pieces of machinery that he found left for garbage pickup on the street. He bolted the basement windows as he forever feared the possibility of robbery. I thought this absurd. The place was a firetrap.

    In the months before his suicide he hired youngsters to bury the machinery in the backyard instead of putting it out for garbage collection.

    I could not have a rational conversation with him ever. It took years of seeing a psychiatrist for me to get a grip on the situation without feeling very upset and angry and powerless in dealing with his behaviour. He was not diagnosed until approximately 6 months before he ended his life.

    Anyway, I’m rambling. I thought that your piece was very moving. It also points out that we are not alone in dealing with the vicisstudes of life — many of us share common experiences and you lucidly have done that.

    Many thanks and my thoughts are with you.

    Moses

    

    sisterofahoarder Reply:
    December 29th, 2009 at 7:46 am

    May God watch over you, Moses. What a terrible ordeal you’ve been put through. Yes, hoarding is often associated with Paranoid Schizophrenia. May God lead you to happier times without focusing on the things in your life that are NOT your fault.

44. Andria Said,

    December 8, 2009 @ 7:53 pm

    I feel like an absolute ass. I watch that show. I’m one of those saying “ew!”, “OMG!”, and the like. And now, I am deeply ashamed of ever coming close to making fun of mental illness.

    Deeply ashamed.
    Andria´s last blog ..Do As I Say, Not As I Did.

    

    jonniker Reply:
    December 8th, 2009 at 8:09 pm

    I think you can still say “ew!” and “OMG!” about some things without making fun of the WHOLE THING, and without losing respect for the issue at hand.

    I don’t mean to be flip about this, but feeling ashamed for liking a reality TV show is ridiculous, I’m sorry, and you should not be beating yourself up. I have been depressed. I have had forms of mental illness. But that doesn’t mean that when people have EXTREME versions, that I don’t sometimes recoil in horror or even, gasp!, LAUGH a little. It’s part of how we cope, how we learn, and not everyone who reacts that way is cruel or unfeeling in some way, is what I’m saying. Like Slynnro said, people’s reactions to things are not indicative of the entire scope of their feelings on the topic. Go easy on yourself. You’re obviously an empathetic person.

    To be ashamed at enjoying a little schadenfreude now and then is beyond hypocritical of ourselves. None of us is perfect. Everyone does it, I don’t care who you are, and every single bit of schadenfreude can be spun as a form of cruelty, and of stereotyping.

    I have a good friend who is a celebrity of sorts and has dealt with all the weirdness that comes with it, including having nasty stuff written about her in industry rags. Does that stop me from reading Mamapop and occasionally gasping at the horror that is Katie Holmes and her weird pants, even though I KNOW that is only a FLASH of who she is? No. I snicker at her pants.

    I don’t watch Hoarders, only because it’s, uh, past my bedtime (LAME). But I am smart enough to realize that, like all reality TV of any sort, including the much-lauded “Biggest Loser,” it is an extreme version of the situation at hand. And I think most people are, given by the tone of this thread and just how many people know a hoarder of sorts. Just like I think people can recognize the difference between mild PPD and Andrea Yates, you know?
    jonniker´s last blog ..Vampire Forest Fire

    

    Her Bad Mother Reply:
    December 8th, 2009 at 8:30 pm

    I agree – Andria, you shouldn’t feel ashamed. My issues are my own, and I don’t mean to imply that the whole TV industry should be taken down so that no-one is ever stereotyped, ever again. This particular stereotyping touches a nerve for me, but there is so, so much more that goes on.

    Be gentle with yourself. We all should be. I think that’s my general point.

45. Kathy Klinge Said,

    December 8, 2009 @ 8:03 pm

    Simply beautiful post. A wonderful tribute to your dad and his life. I watch Hoarders because I see symptoms of hoarding in myself. It opens my eyes. But I totally agree with you that the hoarding is often sign of a deeper, more complicated issue. I don’t want to hoard because I want to give the things I create from fabric and yarn to the people I love, and so I watch the show to make myself aware of my own behavior. Thank you for writing this thought provoking post.

46. cagey Said,

    December 8, 2009 @ 8:13 pm

    I have a hoarder (let’s call her Aunt!) in my family. I have written about her several times in my blog and genuinely, I am concerned for the family member (let’s call her Grandma!) with whom the hoarder lives. The hoarder has taken over all the “extra” rooms in the house and the basement. My autistic nephew is terrified of the “flood of stuff” coming out of what used to my grandpa’s room. Now, this aunt has started in on the rooms they use.

    I know how all too easy it is too judge. And yes, sometimes I do judge. But I also know that my aunt cannot help what she does – there is a deep-seated need in her to acquire and keep things. All the critical comments directed towards do not help her – even those comments that come from me.

    Folks think that all you have to do is get rid of the stuff and all will be fine, but the problem is so much more than “just cleaning.” The hoarder is a person who needs help with decision making, possibly depression and a whole host of other issues – a cleaning service will not cure the hoarder.

    Nice post, Catherine.
    cagey´s last blog ..Have a Heart, Tinman.

47. cagey Said,

    December 8, 2009 @ 8:20 pm

    Now? I am commenting on the show itself. I do watch that show and yes, I am grossed out by what I see. I do think the show is sensationalistic, yet I watch because I relate to it because my life is directly and personally affected by a hoarder.

    While the show goes over the top, I do think they have helped in some way in educating folks who do not understand that it is not just about the cleaning – it is a PROCESS of learning how to deal with stuff – emotional or physical. Hiring a crew to come in and dump things does NOT solve the problem.

    So, yes – Hoarders is a bit over the top. But really, the folks who should be criticized are the likes of Oprah and Dr. Phil who truly, make a mockery of hoarders with their live studio audience visibly and audibly expressing their outrage and disgust.
    cagey´s last blog ..Have a Heart, Tinman.

    

    sisterofahoarder Reply:
    December 29th, 2009 at 7:58 am

    I absolutely agree with you!

48. Marinka Said,

    December 8, 2009 @ 8:26 pm

    I don’t watch Hoarders because I don’t find mental illness entertaining. I couldn’t watch Grey Gardens for the same reason, actually. But there is a lot of things that I’m sure are offensive to others that I do find entertaining.

    And yes, I do realize that it would be better for the purposes of this comment if I could think of an example.
    Marinka´s last blog ..

49. yknot Said,

    December 8, 2009 @ 8:28 pm

    Thank You. For this wonderful post! Your connection with your father and your knowledge of his internal world & Motivations is Awesome! I’ve read that the Root cause of Hoarding is the replacement of connection with people to connection with things. Hoarders are embarrassed and ashamed about their problem. Calling attention to it isn’t necessarily the best way to go about things. The A & E show tends to look at the stage 5 or Extreme Hoarders- those whose self-care deficits are all too Apparent: Home falling apart, no heat/hot water/toilet, no bathing etc… Hoarding Animals & Food. Not all people are like that.

    I loved the connection to the Interesting-ness of clutter over the sterility of minimalism. Yet who among us looks at clean, uncluttered surfaces and are in some way pleased. I wish you sucess in your journey as I do for my own struggles. Know that you aren’t alone and that many folks out here Understand, all too well.

50. Bree Said,

    December 8, 2009 @ 8:45 pm

    I’m so glad you wrote this. It is amazing. I have watched Hoarders 3 times. Mostly I wanted to watch because everyone kept talking about it like it was a car wreck they couldn’t get away from. The first one I watched was the one with the dead cats. And more than anything I just felt BAD for this lady. And I was so disappointed in the show itself. I felt like all they did was gross you out but never addressed with the hoarder themselves why they felt the need to hold on to everything. So what did they get out of it other than their house being cleaned and utter humiliation on TV. I don’t understand the need to hoard per se but I do understand the need to hold on to things. It wasn’t until this year that I was able to let go of ALL the stuff I had collected around 9/11. I don’t know why I felt the need to collect so much but I did. Two boxes worth (which in context probably doesn’t seem like a lot but in reality it was) of things that I couldn’t bear to open and look at at but couldn’t throw away.

    Last night I deleted Hoarders series off my DVR. I just couldn’t take it anymore. I don’t want to see someone made fun of, I just want to see them helped. I’m really glad you shared this.

51. Jen Said,

    December 8, 2009 @ 9:26 pm

    This is so lovely, and bathes the reader in your love for your dad.

    I’m a bit of a hoarder myself. I go into a thrift store, for example, and I see these odd things I don’t need, but I imagine how or why the previous owners loved them or used them and I feel called to rescue these items. I don’t understand why certain things call to me, but they do. I haven’t seen “Hoarders,” but I’m fascinated with the stories of people with hoarding disorders because I completely get the way value begins to cling to things that maybe shouldn’t be valued, or to things that should be momentarily valued, and then discarded.

    Please don’t be ashamed. I hope your dad was not ashamed. It sounds like he kept his place tidy, just full of stuff. Who is to say how much stuff is too much? Since when are we to arrange our homes to accommodate gurneys wheeling through?

    Anyway, thanks for writing this beautiful post.
    Jen´s last blog ..motherhood: a study in contrast

    

    Her Bad Mother Reply:
    December 9th, 2009 at 5:48 pm

    I’m a bit of a thrift store treasure-hunter myself. I actively try to avoid thrift stores sometimes because I know that I won’t be able to resist the gems inside. *sigh*

52. Sheila Said,

    December 8, 2009 @ 9:28 pm

    The love and pride you have for your father shines throughout this amazing piece.
    Thank you.

53. deb@birdonawire Said,

    December 8, 2009 @ 9:29 pm

    Thank you Catherine for bringing the “mental” illness avenue to light. For what ever reason, our entertainment industry has found that spotlighting peoples issues is entertaining. I say not! It is not entertaining. Much like we watched Jon and Kate fall apart and continued to gawk, and the latest issues with Tiger Woods. They are human, every bit as human as you and I and every bit as in pain as your dad and my folks. I love you for writing this more than you know. Thank you again. And no, there’s nothing to be ashamed of!
    deb@birdonawire´s last blog ..Wednesday Sessions Filling Fast

54. Angela Said,

    December 8, 2009 @ 9:44 pm

    I am so glad you posted this. Beyond how I’m sure it was a release for you, it surely resonates with many of your readers. Me included.

    I find nothing funny, nothing entertaining about mental illness. My mother is bipolar and I’ve grown up with mental illness my entire life. This one does have a genetic component, so it’s very possible, maybe even likely that I or my sisters, or my children will be affected personally by this disease.

    Yeah my mom did some funny stuff when I was a kid. Sometimes she’s pretty funny now. But you know what? It’s not anything I’d share with outsiders to allow them to poke fun AT her.

    My sisters and I have stuck by our mom. She is a wonderful, loving person. And while we can all giggle sometimes over her quirkiness together, it’s not the same as watching strangers struggle with their own mental illnesses as entertainment.

    Sometimes I think there are two last areas where making fun of someone is still “okay” (as in the Politically Correct police won’t track you down): mental illness and being fat. It’s like the media and the public think it’s fine to knock people with these issues around when they wouldn’t be caught dead making fun of someone for being in a wheelchair or of a different race these day. I look forward to the day when everyone stands up and says that it’s not ok to mock anyone, including those with weight or mental issues.
    Angela´s last blog ..Someone gently tapping…

    

    Bill McNutt Reply:
    December 10th, 2009 at 12:12 pm

    And men. You forgot men. It’s still okay to mock men and portray them as buffoons.

    Bill
    Bill McNutt´s last blog ..Ship’s Log: September Blue – Ooops! Part II

    

    jenni Reply:
    December 16th, 2009 at 7:24 pm

    and southerners. it’s fine to poke fun at poor, uneducated, filthy, kid-and-dog-ridden southerners. because all people from the south are like that. but i digress…

    just started reading this blog, and i’m hooked.

    this post truly is beautifully written.

55. Maria Said,

    December 8, 2009 @ 9:51 pm

    I love that even through difficult words, you infuse a wry smile. Masterful.
    Maria´s last blog ..Darcy

56. Parent Club Said,

    December 8, 2009 @ 10:02 pm

    Bravo!
    Parent Club´s last blog ..Visa Canada – Review & Giveaway

57. Donna Said,

    December 8, 2009 @ 10:20 pm

    That was wonderful. Thank you for writing and posting it for us to share.

58. Peggy Said,

    December 8, 2009 @ 10:30 pm

    My MIL lives like this, and I know quite a few others… heck, we are messy and have a hard time throwing things out that can be made into something else. This is a beautiful tribute to your dad. Honest, kind and full of love. Thanks for posting.

59. ame i. Said,

    December 8, 2009 @ 11:02 pm

    I’m not a hoarder, but I have things in my closets and attic that are not worth keeping, yet they are still there.
    I married in 1988, had 2 children(1998&2000), lost my late-husband in Oct.2003. I STILL have some of his college textbooks & spiral notebooks in the attic (sp?). I understand, kinda, that I’ve kept the spirals b/c he wrote and doodled and drew in them, but why I haven’t brought the outdated text books down & tossed them in the trash…I can’t justify.

    

    sisterofahoarder Reply:
    December 29th, 2009 at 8:02 am

    You’re not a hoarder unless you have GOAT PATHS through your house and the floor to ceiling garbage in EVERY room of your house. Don’t worry about the spiral notebook thing. You will get to it when you get to it. Grief is one thing… Hoarding is a complete different thing. Trust me.

60. Issa Said,

    December 8, 2009 @ 11:06 pm

    Sigh. Honey, I’m sorry. Last night, for the first time ever, I watched the show. I tweeted what I saw. Honestly, I was curious about it, I wanted to see how they help people, because my aunt is a horder. Not where it’s trash, but it’s her treasures. Treasures found over 40 years of loving antiques, of traveling over the world for more antiques. She has so many, you can’t walk in her house. Or barn. Or six storage units. She will one day…never mind.

    Anyway, I’m sorry I said anything last night. It isn’t funny, I didn’t find it funny. I think in some ways it’s human nature to make jokes when we are uncomfortable. There is nothing funny about any mental illness.

    Huge hugs to you Catherine. I’m glad you wrote this. Maybe it will help people understand.
    Issa´s last blog ..Issa’s assvice. What? It’s better than saying, here’s some answers, right?

61. Rebecca (Playground Confidential) Said,

    December 8, 2009 @ 11:06 pm

    Thank you for that. I look at my mother’s bedroom closet and I know that if she were living on her own her attachment to her possessions and her disdain for waste would manifest itself far beyond the bedroom. I also think labeling every quirk and eccentricity with some brand of mental illness is sad and, yes, uninteresting. We increasingly live in a society where any deviation from the norm is viewed as a treatable condition. And it needn’t be. So thank you for reminding me that there is nothing to be ashamed of.
    Rebecca (Playground Confidential)´s last blog ..Self-Reliance

62. Lisa Said,

    December 8, 2009 @ 11:14 pm

    You really got me thinking. I found myself wanting to argue/discuss/counterpoint with a lot of what you said about “stuff” but you really have me thinking.

    And then I read the comments and isn’t it weird hw people get into defensive mode, or all into a discussion of the show or a discussion of watching the show, which all just seems to miss the point.

    I really enjoyed reading your piece and getting my thoughts provoked.

63. MorgansDead Said,

    December 8, 2009 @ 11:19 pm

    Your post moved me. I don’t like watching those shows either for many of the same reasons. I watched one episode of Hoarders and did not even make it to the end because I was disgusted by it. I wasn’t disgusted by the hoarders themselves, I was disgusted at the network for exploiting these people.

    I know how hard going through your father’s things is. I’ve gone through my share of belongings to those close to me. It is never easy, and you never want to let go. It’s ok to hold onto a few things though. Remember that.
    MorgansDead´s last blog ..Mmmm My Foot Tastes Good

64. Elissa Said,

    December 8, 2009 @ 11:21 pm

    I’m glad you posted this – it’s beautiful and powerful and true, and I’m glad I got to read it. Mental illness is hard to understand when you’re not in it, but writing like this helps to make it a bit more comprehensible to people who haven’t experienced it – and that’s what we need if we as a society are ever going to have a healthy relationship with mental illness. Thank you.

65. psumommy Said,

    December 8, 2009 @ 11:31 pm

    I’m glad you wrote this. I know it was hard. It’s fantastic and wonderful, and I hope it helped ease your hurt, even a little.

    I’ve never seen Hoarders. I have no desire to see it. I also have no cable or dish, so…yeah. I do have a question (don’t we all?)- those people, the “hoarders” themselves- don’t they have the final say in whether or not they’re on the show? I could be wrong- I don’t know that much about reality tv- but…I don’t know. It just doesn’t stand to reason that something that invasive and personal would be legal without their consent.
    psumommy´s last blog ..Farewell, Breastfeeding

    

    sisterofahoarder Reply:
    December 29th, 2009 at 8:07 am

    Cleaning up a hoarders house is NOT cheap. I would suspect they would have to sign a contract before hand that they could film, etc. However, if my sister, who is a hoarder, does not change, I’m sure it will cost my family upwards of $25,000 to clear out and clean her house. I’m sorry, but I don’t have an extra $25,000 in my back pocket to pay for the removal of rubbish. In fact, it would probably cost more. So yes, the show is a little exploitative… however, I’d rather watch this where some good is done than the exploitation of Jon and Kate’s eight children, for example.

66. Hally Said,

    December 9, 2009 @ 12:41 am

    This was a beautiful tour de force. I hope getting it out has helped you release some of the complex feelings you must have experienced while cleaning out the first half of your Dad’s house.

    We don’t have the show Hoarders here in Tanzania. But having worked with TV “reality” shows in the past I can testify that their purpose is to entertain and get a reaction out of viewers. Getting the subjects help is part of the entertainment. I’d love to know how the subjects of Hoarders are followed up after the show.

    Good luck with the second part of your cleaning efforts.
    Hally´s last blog ..Living While Fat – An American Crime

67. Angela Said,

    December 9, 2009 @ 12:53 am

    Thank you. My mother cannot let go…and I see tendencies of that in myself, the desire to keep, to look at something like a mundane receipt for shoes and think “Oh, I bought those on the first vacation we took as a family, just the three of us, how fun it will be to go again, now that we are the five of us…”
    But my mother, she drives me crazy with the collecting and the keeping and the suffocating stuff. I understand a lot of it, her mother died when she was three, and her stepmother made every attempt to eradicate the existence of a first wife that was so dearly loved. Now, anything that my grandmother may have touched is, to my mother, sacred. My mom has a tendency to bring her “stuff” to me, and so often I wonder why she thinks I would want this stuff – yet feel trapped with it, unable to dispose of it. But for the first time, tonight, I thought differently of a box in my closet that contains a 50+ year old breast pump and a ceramic baby bowl. These items were my grandmother’s, tangible evidence that at one time, though she cannot remember any image but the polka-dot dress in the casket, my mother had a mother. And these truly sacred items…my mother gave them to me. And now, having considered your post, I feel the magnitude of such a gift, and sit here crying with grief for you, and my mother, and the gaping hole that all the “stuff” in the world couldn’t fill.
    Thank you.

68. Susannah Said,

    December 9, 2009 @ 2:52 am

    Oh thank you. Thank you thank you.

    My mom & step-dad are hoarders. Varying degrees, both of them, resulting in a house dense with plants and masks and bills and treasures found on street corners. Check out the new rattlesnake skin, they say when I come over, and so I look around and around and then up because they have nailed it to the ceiling.

    I just came home from a long weekend spent at my brother’s house. We talked/half-joked about what we will do when the day comes. Hire someone, he said, and I agreed. The half-burnt candles and hats on mannequin heads, the books, envelopes, broken phones and old clocks that ding at different times because they are all set to different times, the rubber chicken, the rubber iguana, the frog, the dinosaur, the maps to places they’ve never been or will ever go. It makes me sad, so sad, because I know the stuff is nothing. It’s what’s beneath it all that cannot breathe.

    Like I said, thank you for this. For understanding and more so. Thank you.
    Susannah´s last blog ..Two Things

    

    sandy Reply:
    December 9th, 2009 at 9:27 am

    “It’s what’s beneath it all that cannot breathe.” That is a beautifully insightful comment to a blog that is also beautifully insightful.

    I loved the rest of the comments, and just had to share the one thing that scares me about the behavior, and that is the danger. My best girlfriend has an aunt who is a hoarder, to the point of having narrow walkways through the house. She came home one night about 3 months ago and smelled smoke (the stove had been left on low with a pizza box inside of it). Called the fire department and they came out to check everything. They told her that, with the accumulation of items that she had, they could not be sure they had eradicated the fire.

    She spent the night at her sisters house. When she went home at 9am the following day, her entire house had smoldered completely away. Thank god she didn’t stay there with her nephew and go back to bed, they could both be dead… It was just horrible to contemplate. Is horrible.

    So, if anyone here reads this and hears a warning, and thinks maybe help is in order, please, don’t wait.

    

    Her Bad Mother Reply:
    December 9th, 2009 at 10:15 am

    There is danger in extreme hoarding, yes. Even with “clean” hoarding – as in my dad’s case – there’s danger. A wall had to be cut out of his house, after all, to remove his body. If there’d been a 911 call, they might not have gotten to him.

    So, yeah.

    

    Hazel Reply:
    December 9th, 2009 at 4:33 pm

    “It makes me sad, so sad, because I know the stuff is nothing. It’s what’s beneath it all that cannot breathe.”
    Suzanne – I started changing only when I found it hard to breathe. I rationalized my piles when the real problem was a tendency to delay decisions. I saw too many possibilities and how could I file anything if it could go under parenting, crafts, rainy day activities, or a dozen other headings?
    Piles never helped me and led me to label myself disorganized, when really I had very strong abilities to see patterns and create workable systems. Some of the methods I learned through a professional organizer help me decide whether I will ever take action on an item. If not, then throw, recycle, or give away.
    The things I choose to keep are smaller, bring me much joy simply because I can see them now. They are not hidden by so much clutter.

    My brother called while I was reading “Of Shoes & Ships…” He is an artist who broke his heel and could not move a walker safely through his collection of artistic tidbits. I enjoy his creativity and pray for his safety.

    Catherine, Thanks for a loving tribute to a father who saw value in many things. I want my own children to wade through a limited quantity of my favorite stuff. I am helping my mom downsize now and am grateful she is healthy enough and strong enough to make those decisions herself. I am around only to tote, haul, and dust the corners.
    May you and your mother have strength for the next session at your dad’s place and may you continue to find love and joy.

69. Maya Said,

    December 9, 2009 @ 3:54 am

    This post really resonated with me. I know it was hard for your to write, but thank you for doing it. While my father was not a hoarder, he had several mental illnesses. I struggle to find a balance between finding the beauty in who he was and what he accomplished and romanticizing his illness. I blog about him from time to time, stories I think he would want shared, but even 3 years after his death too much is still too raw for me to feel like I can share his Story.

    So anyway, thank you for recognizing the beauty and humanity in mental illness and being brave enough to discuss it, for better and for worse.
    Maya´s last blog ..Merry Christmas!

70. Maggie, dammit Said,

    December 9, 2009 @ 8:50 am

    Beautifully written, my friend.

    And the comments are fascinating.
    Maggie, dammit´s last blog ..In Memoriam (cross-posted at Violence UnSilenced)

71. Katherine Stone Said,

    December 9, 2009 @ 10:17 am

    Wow. Beautifully written and brave. Thank you for sharing this and for helping to reduce the stigma of mental illness.
    Katherine Stone´s last blog ..Are Natural Methods Safer and As Effective When it Comes to Treating Postpartum Depression?

72. Emma Said,

    December 9, 2009 @ 10:22 am

    My heart is in my mouth a bit, starting this comment. You have hit a raw nerve with me, that I can’t let go without responding. I hope you will see where I am coming from.

    I understand this post, how Hoarders has made you feel, because of your dad.

    I do not think there is shame in mess or clutter or holding onto to things because they have meaning. And no shame in mental illness either.

    But neither should there be shame in being neat, or tidy, or minimalist. I try to be these things, I actively choose to be like this, I am more relaxed in my home when it is not a mess,
    and I am hurt by your labelling of this as sterile, not intersting, blank.

    My mother is a hoarder (and a fairly dirty one). She has her own issues, I know this, but nevertheless her stated plan that I and my brother will have to deal with her stuff once she dies because she won’t, well, it annoys me. I see a perfectly capable woman who is too lazy, or unwilling, to deal with this aspect of her life, and who expects her children to do it for her. I resent it.

    I do not want to be like this. I like being able to find things, I like not having a buildup of dust and grease and grime on every surface of my home and all that is in it.

    I do not want my children to have to deal with more than they need to once I am gone.

    I have also found it cathartic to give away what I do not need, and throw away what cannot be reused or recycled. My memories are enough, I have found I do not need physical reminders of everything. Plus I know myself well enough that I will not get around to all the projects I have ever planned.

    I am not obsessively neat or tidy. I do not need everything to be shiny and new. There are things I have kept that I do not need. I do have mementos. But I try and keep things reasonable, try to think about what I actually need, try not fill my house with clutter.

    So yes, I am down the other end of the spectrum. But in your defence of your father’s end, why has my end become bad? Can’t a spectrum be a spectrum, without a value attached? Maybe in person you would find me uninteresting and lacking in personality, but I would have hoped it was on the basis of what I think and say, not on how I prefer to have my home and the possessions I choose to keep.

    And what of the people who are obsessively tidy through mental illness? Is that manifestation of mental ilness not OK, while untidyness is? This is unfair too.

    As I said at the beginning, I completely understand where your post comes from. You most definitely should not feel ashamed of your father. I just don’t think you needed to swipe at what he was not, to strengthen him. His story is strong by itself.
    Emma´s last blog ..Leaf dance

    

    Her Bad Mother Reply:
    December 9th, 2009 at 10:33 am

    I think I tried to express the idea that it’s a spectrum. Tidiness needn’t be an extreme; tidiness needn’t be entirely uninteresting (that was actually a quote from another article – and the reference point was a sterile magazine cover.) There’s the empty sterility of a doctor’s waiting room, or an extremely minimalist hotel. There are characterless hotel rooms. And there are tidy homes, which are different from sterile spaces, somewhere further along the spectrum. And there can be tidiness *and* clutter – real wunderkammers were, after all, well-organized. So I’m not slamming neatness as a general rule. (And, for the record, when I was growing up my father went through an OCD phase that manifested as obsessive cleanliness, so believe me, I know that side of things all too well.) My mother is very tidy. She’s fascinating. Neatness needn’t mean ‘devoid of character’ any more than messiness need mean ’sick.’ Which is why I argued for viewing things on a spectrum, which implies a sort of balanced mean somewhere between obsessive minimalism and human feces on the floor.

    But, but… in a world of Real Simple magazines and Martha Stewart and Clean Sweep and whole television networks devoted to evangelizing NEAT, I don’t know that it needs a whole lot of defending. Messiness, on the other hand, is almost always labeled bad and disordered, and I sought to counter that.

    Sorry if I offended. I didn’t mean to.

    

    madge Reply:
    December 9th, 2009 at 11:31 am

    I had a similar response as Emma’s and hadn’t been able to crystallize my discomfort until I thought about my daughter’s issues.

    I appreciate your response because there are certain people (myself and my daughter) who simply could not function with so much stuff around. It’s not a judgement, but a physical, emotional, extremely visceral response. The sensory overload I get even in the home of a neat but enthusiastic collector proves it.

    I think I’ve found a way to have a home that reflects my personality without overwhelming visitors with the public display of it. And that includes very little “stuff” and frequent purging.

73. pamela Said,

    December 9, 2009 @ 10:48 am

    beautifully written and very real. I love it. Thank you. We all have shit we dont want to part with, why the hell should we?
    pamela´s last blog ..Friday, I’m In Love!

74. gail Said,

    December 9, 2009 @ 10:49 am

    Thank you for your insight. Hoarding is such a misunderstood situation. Your love for your father shines through and I thank you for letting us in to your experience.

    For fresh ideas for a fresh start, visit http://www.afreshstartorganizing.net/blog

75. Brittany at Mommy Words Said,

    December 9, 2009 @ 11:06 am

    I have seen parts of the show a few times but it makes me want to get up and deal with some of my own collections, to be honest. When I start to feel very stressed or my mild depression starts to reaslly kick in I definitely start to keep more things around me, to accumulate. I actually have, at this point, almost gone the other way to avoid hoarding and am ridding myself of things at a rapid pace. I can directly see a link between my feelings and my things and I too, would not want to be seen as crazy for my coping mechanisms.

    I get why the twitter conversations would be painful. I have “listened in” on some painful ones about issues I have that I do not have full closure around. While we are all thinking #OMFG we are not all thinking about someone who lives the experience and it can come off as being insensitive to the greater issue. The few episodes that I have seen have been very sensationalized – even when there were no dead animals or feces. They seem made to make you want to tweet #OMFG.

    I think you hit it on the head when you said that there was SHAME in the show. The hoarders are on tv with their whole life and all of their issues literally displayed for everyone to see. I find it painful.

    I get why people watch and I hope that it helps some people avoid this behavior or recognize that someone in their life is struggling and may need some gentle help to avoid a dangerous situation and identify their illness if they have not already.

    I do not think you were judging people for watching. I hope the rest of the process goes as smoothly as possible. It sounds difficult to sift through so many years and reminders of your dad. He sounds like an intensely creative, interesting and loving guy. He would not want you to suffer, so hopefully you will be be able to find some good memories of him in his remaining collections.

    Thanks for such a heartfelt post.

76. YkNot Said,

    December 9, 2009 @ 11:12 am

    Everyone collects things they don’t need- Hoarders just select many more items then the rest of us. Interestingly, when Hoarders are asked to sort other people’s things and are given catagories to put them into, they show No problem! However, if left to make their own catagories, they form many groupings with a few items in each, rather than more generalized groups such as: Food, Clothing , etc… Meaning that the connection with the items is Personal. As for those in the other side of the equasion, no offence is implied or intended.

77. Adventures In Babywearing Said,

    December 9, 2009 @ 11:22 am

    Catherine, I’ve never seen the show and admit I don’t want to because I have seen your feelings about it. It makes me want to cry, this post has me in tears. I understand.

    And how you describe your Dad- “before” is just like my Dad. And what could be of my Dad. And honestly, me. And you’ve shed light in my mind on some of my own issues. Most of all I want to say again, I’m sorry for the loss of your Dad.

    Love,
    Steph
    Adventures In Babywearing´s last blog ..Sakura Bloom Triathlon: Round Three WINNER! *Updated!

78. Supa Dupa Fresh, the Freshwidow Said,

    December 9, 2009 @ 11:36 am

    Catherine,
    Thanks for this post. Widows are pretty fascinated with the meaning of “stuff” in general and your thoughts on grieving your father and his particular relationship(s) to stuff are very insightful.
    Thanks for your courage and big, big heart. My father died 14 years ago and I am still, slowly, lumpily, processing it. Maybe you’ll spark a related post from me (though my Mom is the hoarder).
    X
    Supa

79. Val Said,

    December 9, 2009 @ 11:46 am

    I do watch Hoarders – but agree that the “horrifying” factor is overplayed. What I am interested in, and what they touch on in varying degrees depending on the episode, is what happened. How did this person get to this extreme place? What makes them so different from me, with my anxiety issues? Was it a single breaking point – or a slow accumulation of eccentricities, or a giving up? What is the history? And are there cracks of hope shining through? Or is there only resignation?

    A similar show, called Obsessed, touched on this more by focusing on 12 weeks of cognitive therapy. I cried at the end of nearly every episode. Sometimes there were small victories that showed the “afflicted” that there was hope for dealing with their symptoms. And sometimes there were heartbreaking backslides. But, as someone who is always just on the edge of OCD, this show really helped me toe the line and see how patterns of behavior can become compulsions.

    Thanks, as always, for your thoughfulness. I don’t always agree with you Catherine, but I always appreciate hearing a thoughtful opinion that I can respect.

80. Eliza Said,

    December 9, 2009 @ 3:21 pm

    Aloha –

    Yes, hoarding is among us. More than we realize. Truly, the show Hoarders is all what you write about. Remember, TV programs have to have a buzz factor to gain publicity for their advertisers. Reading how each show generates tweets and commentary indicates that the sensationalism of the week’s presentation is working to generate interest.

    Compassion is definitely an acquired emotion for many.

    I went down the path of cleaning out a hoarder’s house. My parents’ home; it was more mother’s issue than dad’s. Two stories, plus full basement. Most of it boxed up as they had a 2nd home to move to, which they never did get to. I cleared enough room to have the stuff in the 2nd house come in for further removal work.

    It took close to 4.5 years of heaving stuff out of the house to appropriate recyclers to get the house empty. Had to give up my prior life to do it. No help from only sibling. No husband. It was the worst years of my adult life. I am now close to 100% recovered from all that dragging-on time. It was more than just a little emotionally devastating.

    I hope someday you can be glad you are moving through your father’s items speedily. Having time to do things ‘right’ is not necessarily better.

    Blessings always ~ Maluhia (peace)
    Eliza´s last blog ..Sun enters Capricorn aka Winter Solstice 2009

81. Linda Said,

    December 9, 2009 @ 3:24 pm

    Best thing you’ve ever written.

    I’m a packrat, my late dad was a packrat. I have contemplated the whys, hyper-analysed the value in the keeping, and wondered about my attachment to things *for years.* I suspect I’ll never quite plumb the depths of it.

    I often wish I were different, but I just know that these bits of ephemera are touchstones for me and that without them, that moment in time would be lost. I think, for me, a lot of this keeping is about stopping time, holding on to moments.

    Once, in emptying a seldom-used purse, I came across a receipt from a grocery store near my parents’ house. (I don’t deliberately keep receipts as a rule; it was just a bit of crumpled garbage in the bottom of the bag.) I recognized the date from one of my fly-in visits to my parents, accompanied by my then-baby. I actually remembered that mundane, perfectly blah trip to that grocery store!
    The receipt was for some baby cereal and jars of sweet potato baby food that she loved… I looked at that receipt and remembered so fondly the very ordinariness of that day: visiting my parents with my baby, picking up a few items for her at the store. Silly, I know, but because that moment was crystallized in the finding of that bit of paper, I couldn’t bear to throw it out. In holding on to it and remembering a simple event — when my daughter was an infant and when my dad was still alive — I had stopped time.

    I also haven’t been able to throw out an unfinished crossword puzzle of my dad’s that I came across after he died. I completed the clues he hadn’t finished, and then hung on to it, comforted by his printing and mine meshed on a piece of newspaper, as though we had worked on it together.

82. pgoodness Said,

    December 9, 2009 @ 4:24 pm

    I know you didn’t write this to get me or anyone else to justify watching or not watching, but I just wanted to share my thoughts…

    I think there is a big difference between being a hoarder using the tv show definition, and your dad. What you said makes the difference – once the dream was over, he had no one, no reason to keep his stuff confined to sheds and basements – they were his projects, his things, pieces of HIM. Did he have too much? Well, it’s none of my business…to him, obviously not. We ALL have too much…we’re probably all a couple of garbage strikes away from being in a really bad spot, you know?

    I think I watch the show because, even sensationalized, it is a little bit of insight into something I had never really heard of before, let alone seen. And of course they focus on the dirty, and of course we freak out with EW and OMG because it’s shocking, just like they intend. But I watch that in the same way I watch other reality type shows – for a glimpse, not a definition. All Hoarders are not the same, the people on Intervention or any other show are not a definition, they are merely a glimpse into a world that most people are not aware of.

    Kind of like that whole “I Didn’t know I was pregnant” show, you know? heh

    Anyway, bottom line is that this was a lovely post about your dad; very touching. xo
    pgoodness´s last blog ..{W} Amelia

83. A Meerkat A Day Keeps The Psychotherapist Away | Her Bad Mother Said,

    December 9, 2009 @ 6:02 pm

    [...] am so emotionally spent from having written – and moderated discussion in – yesterday’s post that I may not be able to post anything more than pictures of meerkats or toddlers for a couple of [...]

84. Catherine Said,

    December 9, 2009 @ 6:07 pm

    When my father – an unhappy, angry man – but also a man I reluctantly admired for his tenacity, his restless intelligence and his sense of honour – died far too early of cancer, my sister had a dream.

    She was sitting at a table at a sidewalk cafe in Paris, when my father (six months dead) walked past. “Dad!,” she called. He came and sat at her table and they had a lovely chat, sitting in the sun. He showed her photographs of his travels. “When are you coming home, Dad?” she asked, reaching across the table for his hand. It was firm and strong and dry. “Oh, I don’t think I will,” he thoughtfully replied. “I’m having too much fun.” With that, he got up, kissed her on the cheek and strolled away.
    I offer for this for all of us who miss our Dads.
    Alexander Anderson Hope, died October 12th, 1985. RIP.

    

    Her Bad Mother Reply:
    December 11th, 2009 at 8:57 am

    Oh, oh. THANK YOU.

85. Marya Said,

    December 9, 2009 @ 6:35 pm

    I call us (me, my mom, my dad, my uncle, my grandmother)”collectors” and realize that it’s definitely part of family history and mental illness/distress/depression to be sure. My mom and dad collect and save in different ways- buying buying buying, saving, saving, saving. My maternal grandmother was definitely a collector- my parents basement and hers look like bomb shelters- enough food and paper goods to survive anything. I try to thread through my things when I move, but I can’t rely on that for solution…and I had this epiphany while reading through the commments- my house I try to pare down, minimalize, but then I have my classroom….ohhhhhh yes.

    That is my space- my space that’s actually overflowing into the empty classroom across the hall. In fact, now that I think about it, every single spot in the portable classroom(s) is MY space. I have things everywhere. My classroom is where I use my tag sale finds, where I have things tucked away to use later, multiples of items. The kids in my class notice it when there are accidently multiples of books, and I say my mom must have bought them unknowingly.

    I do watch Hoarders, although it has become increasingly uncomfortable because they say at the start that it’s stage 5 and that it’s a mental illness, but they do little to address the fact that it is a mental illness as they’re showing the homes/cleaning. That is problematic for me- mental illness, not so good for a tv show I guess. I’m all for therapy and medication and will advocate that till the cows come home but the tv aspect seems so unnecessary and unhelpful for healing.

    Thanks for sharing your life so openly. Keep writing!

86. Unexpected Said,

    December 9, 2009 @ 8:09 pm

    Thanks for writing this. I hadn’t watched “Hoarders” until I read this post, but afterward I went to Hulu to see for myself (it happened to be the cat episode). The combination of your insight and the show led me to recognize some hoarding/collecting behaviors in my mother. Our house was always more than cluttered as I was growing up and it seems to have only increased since I moved out. I sometimes guiltily regard it as a laziness or lack of motivation on my mother’s part (even though I recognize she has plenty of other obligations and stressors in her life).

    There was always some level of shame that accompanied thoughts of home (having friends over really wasn’t an option). I really appreciate that you address and reject the shame. I’m not sure if my mother actually does fall into that category (though after discussing the show with her she said without my suggestion she thought she might have some tendencies like that) but if so she’s certainly on a different part of the spectrum than the woman I saw featured on the show. One episode may not be much for me to judge an entire series, but after watching it I have to agree with you. I have no desire whatsoever to watch again.

    Anyway…sorry that’s long but I really appreciate your bravery in continuing to tell your stories.

87. Bella Said,

    December 9, 2009 @ 10:00 pm

    I haven’t read all the comment, just the first few and I need to get over being irked that so many people are F*&^ing focused on the damn show. Yeah, yeah, I know you brought it up.

    I was incredibly moved by this post, your writing, your reflections, your insights, your sensitivity, the complexities that you invoke. I called my husband over, after reading this, and asked him to listen, saying: “THIS is why I’ve always told you that I learned WAY more about the human condition in my English Lit classes than I ever did from grad school in psychology.” We were both in tears by the end of your post. It’s not just an amazing tribute, it is a beautiful, inspiring piece of writing. This? “an interesting spectrum, one that does not run from ‘healthy’ to ’sick’ but from ‘blank’ to ‘overfull.’” Is FUCKING brilliant!! Really.

    There’s a lot more I want to say, but it’s late and I still have tons to do before I sleep… But I wanted to tell you how incredibly moved I was by this post. How real, right, true it is. THIS is why I keep coming back to this space. This is what I think writing should aspire to…

    

    Her Bad Mother Reply:
    December 11th, 2009 at 8:59 am

    Thank you so much. So much. This kind of feedback goes a long way to making the discomfort that attends this kind of writing worthwhile.

88. Karen L Said,

    December 9, 2009 @ 10:15 pm

    I grew up in a home of kinda hoarders/pack rats, kinda just slobs. Bordering on call CAS unclean. We were almost evicted twice (allowed to just leave without any legal action.) Wanna talk shame? It got better while I was a teen and could help keep things more under control. It got worse again when I left town for university. My brother and I openly talked between ourselves and ONE mutual friend about our THREE secrets: our mother’s alcoholism, our father’s mental illness, and our home. These three things are clearly related.

    The reasons are complex. But my mother even had some self-awareness about it. She grew up on military bases where her own mother had regular anxiety attacks about the frequent and random white glove inspections (literal white glove – like around the furnace – inspections). Her grandfather was a hoarder/collector. My father’s father was a control freak and domineered his mother into excessive cleanliness. [I've luckily but consciously swung the pendulum back to well within normal, lived-in tidiness and cleanliness. Hopefully the cycle is broken.] My mother also admitted enjoying the security of the mess that kept everyone else out and away – kinda like some people are with becoming overweight as a defense mechanism. However, she came to regret it when she was dying of cancer and would have welcomed the visitors. I regret being away at university and not being there to fix it for her before it was too late. It’s better now but to this day, my DH of 9 years has, at my insistence, never stepped foot inside of my father’s house.

    Obviously a different story from yours but I was touched by your story and admire your refusal to be ashamed. Thank you for sharing your story.

    I don’t have cable or a Twitter acct, so this post is the first I’ve heard of Hoarders. I don’t think I could bear it though.

89. Carrie Said,

    December 9, 2009 @ 10:45 pm

    Oh my – you know, I think the reason we humans are drawn to “reality” shows like these is because we see the extreme versions of ourselves. And that, along with the shock of “what could happen if you just let go” whether it be physically, emotionally or figuratively, holds a sick fascination.

    I haven’t watched very many episodes but do admit to letting my jaw drop to the floor when I saw the woman who piled adult diapers in her home…BUT I did not feel SHAME for her, perhaps a little shocked and definitely empathy, but no SHAME. Concern? Yes. And you’re right about so many, many things regarding shows like these, like this one.

    I have “collectors” in my family too, past and present – and the amount of stuff my loved ones left behind was staggering. I know I’m guilty of many of the same habits and although you wouldn’t notice it by looking in my home, it’s there. Under the bed, in the crawlspace, in the closets – tons of things that I just can’t part with.

    Nobody should feel shame. Nor should they be shamed.

    Thanks for opening up the curtains and breathing some fresh air into the mob mentality. Thank you Catherine.
    Carrie´s last blog ..Kick Ass Chicken En-a-la-das!

90. Al_Pal Said,

    December 10, 2009 @ 12:00 am

    Wow. Fantastic post. I’ve got a bit of a problem, myself. Not filth, but STUFF, clothes and books and paperwork. I’ve managed to get rid of some of it, and our house is quite nice and livable — but the garage and my closet definitely need a good going-through. It’s the mental process of facing the past, I think, and dealing with the feelings of how life was back when those things came to be.

    I want to write more, but it isn’t my place to put on a public webpage, so I’ll keep it to my own story.

    Great tribute.
    Al_Pal´s last blog ..My new creative outlet: Bread Puddings!

91. kootnygirl Said,

    December 10, 2009 @ 9:05 am

    Catherine,

    I don’t know if anyone has touched on this yet, but a thought came to me last night as I was drifting off to sleep.

    It’s about the letters. You have said previously that you hesitate to get rid of them because you felt they were part of your father’s history that he chose to keep, and you thought you had to honour that. But now that you have shared that he was a hoarder (I really don’t care for the label), I’m not sure that the letters meant that much to him. Sure, he couldn’t part with them, but it sounds as if he couldn’t part with ANYTHING, and that it had much less to do with the things themselves than with the parting.

    I don’t know if you are still conflicted about the letters, but if you are, I do think its okay to let them go. I don’t think you’d be dishonouring your father in any way.

    On another note, I don’t know you, or him, of course, but one of your blogger friends (Tanis, I think…maybe Shannon?) posted a lovely tribute to him not long after his death, and at the end of it she posted a picture. He was sitting in a back yard somewhere, on a patio, and he looked intelligent and peaceful, and he reminded me of Peter Gzowski. That is how I imagine him when you write about him. The rest is just periphery.

    Thank you for sharing such a private part of your life.
    kootnygirl´s last blog ..tis the season for regifting, 2009-style

    

    Her Bad Mother Reply:
    December 10th, 2009 at 10:05 pm

    It was Tanis . She met him a few weeks before he died. And yes, he did have a Peter Gzowski air about him. It’s a perfect description actually. Thank you.

    The thing about the letters (and other things) – there were obvious distinctions made in the value of things he kept – it was actually a fascinating archeological exercise, going through his stuff, because it DID have a sort of order to it, and you could tell what was more important/less important from where he’d put it, how he’d stored it. It wasn’t just the keeping that signified value – it was the keeping in certain places, the little treasure boxes, the fireproof safe, the lockbox, the ‘display’ areas in certain lines of sight. (I was actually, for a couple of weeks, VERY touchy about anyone touching ANYTHING because placement was obviously so important, and I wanted to understand it before anything got moved) (I know – I took this all excessively seriously. But it was important to him, and so to me.)

    

    kootnygirl Reply:
    December 12th, 2009 at 8:03 pm

    That makes a lot of sense; I hadn’t considered the possibility of order in his environment.

    In that case, you will know what to do with those letters (and all the other treasures) when the time is right.

    I really do wish you peace. It is so clear how much you loved, will always love, him.

92. Andrea Said,

    December 10, 2009 @ 12:49 pm

    All I can do is hug ya, kiddo. I know this post was cathartic … and I’m glad you got it out … and I feel privledged to have been allowed to read it.

    (((((((((())))))))))
    Andrea´s last blog ..Countdown to…. surgery

93. Reesie Said,

    December 10, 2009 @ 1:27 pm

    I love you in a very bloggy way. You are articulate and vulnerable and real. Hugs to you.

94. Bec Said,

    December 10, 2009 @ 1:56 pm

    I’m late to this and I read most of the comments but not all of them. This is a beautiful post but it left me wondering… why did no one in the family not know? Did you or your sister never visit him at home? Or do “hoarders” typically avoid such visits, or make up excuses to meet at a more neutral territory?

    

    Her Bad Mother Reply:
    December 10th, 2009 at 2:15 pm

    We knew. I knew. He refused visitors, although he did let my husband and I visit him there once. It was a regular topic of conversation between he and I, his shame about it, my insistence that I would never see it as shameful (also, my insistence that if he ever wanted it, I would offer my help to sort through things in a heartbeat.) We had, in fact, just had such a conversation a couple of weeks before he died – he was considering coming to live with us and I had told him that my husband and I would help him with the massive job of sorting and cleaning and moving. It was a cruel irony that we ended up doing exactly this, but that he was no longer around to hear – to know – that we didn’t mind at all, that we didn’t see any shame in it at all.

95. Emma Said,

    December 10, 2009 @ 3:42 pm

    So I was thinking about this some more in the shower this morning, because normally I am not so sensitive to be actually hurt by what a complete stranger has said, something that was in no way directed at me, so affected that I felt I had to defend myself.

    And I realised the hurt I felt is very similar to the hurt you felt – only yours came from your embracing of your father, and mine came from my rejection of my mother. Gave me a nice pause for reflection.

    And then I thought a bit more about your response, and your original post, and I can see that yes, a house full of things is more satisfying to rifle through than one that is minimalist, and so in that sense more interesting. And although I have never watched Hoarders, I am wondering whether – apart from evoking an ew response to the worst of hoarding – this is the attraction? The chance to snoop and wonder over the things that others have?

    I had lots of other thoughts too but won’t bore anyone by listing them here… my point is more to say thank you for a provocative post that made me think about a whole lot of things. And sorry if my comment contributed to your spentness.

    And just to say too, on re-reading your original post, I wonder too if I misunderstood. You said “…exists along a spectrum, an interesting spectrum, one that does not run from ‘healthy’ to ’sick’ but from ‘blank’ to ‘overfull.’” I took this to mean that the spectrum went from not interesting (minimalist) to interesting (clutter), but after your response I am thinking you meant the spectrum itself is interesting?
    Emma´s last blog ..Leaf dance

    

    Her Bad Mother Reply:
    December 11th, 2009 at 9:04 am

    I absolutely meant that it is the spectrum itself that is interesting. And that it IS a spectrum – not one with health at one end and sickness on the other, but nuances and degrees between two very different states/conditions. Blankness is not necessarily uninteresting (we can impose narratives on blank pages), but nor is extreme clutter necessarily fundamentally sick.

    I was just arguing for looking at the whole spectrum differently.

    Thanks for being so openly reflective about this.

96. Dani Said,

    December 10, 2009 @ 4:40 pm

    My aunt was a hoarder. And definitely not the clean kind. We once lost a chest freezer in her house. As a family, we tried not to be judgmental about it. It was just Hazel. It was who she was. We did our best to get help for her, ultimately having to have her hospitalized. We learned that she had outgrown her house and was living in a car in the driveway. When that car was too full of stuff, she bought another. Every week she would ask about her things and we would reassure her that we hadn’t taken any of her treasures away. It was long after her death that any of us were able to begin the long sort through her life.

    It is a spectrum and in a lot of cases it is a sign of some underlying mental illness. But it shouldn’t be made fun of or be ashamed of. We tried to love Hazel for who she was. She was, after all, an amazing aunt who loved us and cared deeply for her family. So what if she was a bit crazy as well?

97. clay Said,

    December 10, 2009 @ 6:12 pm

    I don’t comment here often, but I cried and cried reading this post. My own wonderful father died suddenly of a heart attack at the young age of 64.

    I was the executor of his estate. He also struggled with mental illness and was an unequivocal pack rat. Cleaning out his house (which was my grandparents before his) took 6 months. Your statement “I’ve had to struggle to resist regarding all of his material things as extensions of him” resonates so deeply with me.

    It’s so very hard. I’m sending hugs…

98. Taylor Said,

    December 10, 2009 @ 6:57 pm

    I just want to say this, to echo your post. My great-grandmother, whom I loved (and continue to love this day) was what one would call a ‘hoarder.’ As ClassyFabSarah mentioned in her comment, I suspect that her hoarding was symptomatic of raising her children in the aftermath of the Great Depression. She lived in Kentucky, where the Depression hit early and hard.

    She lived in a modest host with my great-grandfather in Frankfurt. They had two bedrooms and two bathrooms; to them, this was a mansion. And for me, as a child, their house was the most magical, wondrous place in the world. Every space was piled high with treasures. Every treasure was a piece of her past, her story. Her great and beautiful story. The dresser I now use was hers, and to this day it smells like Chanel No. 5 (the one luxury she ever allowed herself once her children were grown) as she stored all of the bottles there.

    Her attic was my favorite place in the world. It was a maze of interconnected rooms, full to the brim of old clothes, hats, pieces of furniture, books (oh the books!), and anything, really, that you could think of. My cousins and I played for hours and days on end in that attic. I would give anything to go back to the place now – to relish the smell of cedar and roses – if just to bask in everything my great-grandmother was one last time.

    When she died, my granddaddy’s brother (my great-uncle, I suppose) wanted to throw everything out. without a second glance or moment of trepidation. I remember watching him haul her things away and throw them into a dumpster, and I remember my 11-year-old self being so deeply saddened that I couldn’t even cry.

    Of course, I understand that there was probably not a point in keeping, say, 15 blankets with holes all over them. But it seemed like if those things mattered to her, that we should at least take a moment to treasure the things (all of the things – so many, many things) she left with us.

    i wish you all the strength in the world and am sending best wishes and happy vibes your way.
    Taylor´s last blog ..suitable for guests.

99. Boston Mamas Said,

    December 10, 2009 @ 10:12 pm

    Breaks my heart. In a good way. Unconditional acceptance is a beautiful thing. -Christine

100. Hilly Said,

     December 10, 2009 @ 11:53 pm

     My Mom was a hoarder too. When I moved into her house as an adult to help her tackle this disease, it was heartbreaking to watch her reaction to things leaving her home.

     Thanks for this post.
     Hilly´s last blog ..The Pictures Are Mostly Worth A Thousand Words…

101. sam {temptingmama} Said,

     December 11, 2009 @ 9:46 am

     I love you, C. This post is absolutely amazing and completely and utterly heart wrenching.

     My grandmother is bi-polar and a *clean* hoarder. Her ups and downs are controlled by medications, but they are to the point it’s so severe the medications aren’t doing their job.

     Each time she is *high* she packs everything she can get her hands on into cupboards, bedrooms and her dining room. 2L pop bottles, newspapers, children’s books (she used to be a kindergarten teacher) and anything she thinks may be useful *someday* comes home with her from local church bazaars and accumulates in their home.

     When she is *down* the purging begins. She thinks she’s dying and everything has to go. My grampa convinces her that she doesn’t need these items (like month old papers and the 2L pop bottles) and then they recycle. Until the next wave comes.

     It’s heartbreaking to witness. I feel utterly and completely useless.

     Yet, I was one of those people gawking at the way those ladies portrayed were stockpiling their used diapers and allowing goats to eat through their walls. I was one of those people on twitter saying OMG, THE POOOOO!! #hoarders

     It is a Maury Povich / Jerry Springer trainwreck, but! it did also open my eyes to the extreme cases of which I would likely still be completely oblivious to. That was my first time watching the show and I was completely sucked into the sensationalized aspect of it,just as the producers had hoped for.

     As others had mentioned, I was a little put off by your tweets as they did come of as a superior and finger wagging. Now, after reading this post, I realize where those tweets were coming from. I am sorry my overzealous and melodramatic OMFG 4 TONS OF CRAAAAAAP! #hoarders tweets affected you so personally. (I know (or hope) that you’re not calling me out specifically, but I am owning up to the fact that I was one of those twitterers.)

     Lots of love,
     S
     xo
     sam {temptingmama}´s last blog ..Becoming a woman

102. sweetsalty kate Said,

     December 11, 2009 @ 9:51 am

     I watched Hoarders the other night for the first time and in true car wreck fashion, couldn’t turn away for that one episode. I won’t watch it again, but not for any ethical or moral reason. I’m just not much into TV.

     I will say that as distasteful as it felt to me, I don’t think the show has any staying power beyond that one hour. Television doesn’t have enough credibility in my world to inflict any lasting damage upon any particular group of people.

     It’s an equal opportunity medium – it slanders and sensationalizes everything and everyone it touches. Consider how television has capitalized on everything from brides to marriages to overweight people to pageant coaches to celebrities to drug addicts. No one is spared. Every possible category of person – no matter how superficial or how profound or how chemical the roots of their problem – is caricatured as the farthest possible end of their category’s spectrum.

     Hoarders prompted from me a big fat meh, and confirmation that TV really is the lamest, most predictable form of entertainment out there. That’s why I can’t take it seriously enough even to condemn it for its low blows.
     sweetsalty kate´s last blog ..scrooge is the new green, part two: the good grinch

103. Seeohel Said,

     December 11, 2009 @ 3:06 pm

     This was perfect. Just perfect. My family and I went through the same thing cleaning out my grandparents house.

     Just as their lives were tied to the things they cherished; things created by them, by children and grandchildren, things they’d grown and pulled from their gardens with their own two hands, my memories of them are tied to things, their smell left on things, their appreciation for things and pictures and knick-knacks from all over the world.

     We inherited a cabinet of things from them that they’d collected in their travels. That cabinet is on display in my parents house, and we’re still adding to it with our own little things.

     There are so many things we don’t need; things we value that we really shouldn’t. But there is never any shame in defining one’s life by the stuff they’ve accumulated along the way. It’s all part of the story; one that you tell so beautifully here.
     Seeohel´s last blog ..Cody :: {W}rite of Passage Writing Well Challenge #1: Character

104. Jude Said,

     December 11, 2009 @ 3:38 pm

     There’s something in your post that bothers me. You say you loved and respected your father. You appeared to be shocked when you went into his house after his death and saw the accumulation of clutter.

     If you loved him, where were you during the years he was accumulating his stuff and plunging into depression? What I hear in your post is a lonely man, a tinkerer, with a daughter that was absent until it was too late. I truly feel sorry for him.

     

     Her Bad Mother Reply:
     December 11th, 2009 at 3:47 pm

     I wasn’t shocked. As I said in response to a comment above (and as I tried to express) I was overtaken by the feeling that it was not that bad. As he himself feared. My husband and I were permitted entry once during the eight years or so that Dad lived in that location, but no-one else. We visited and stayed nearby and Dad came to us. He didn’t want us to see. I regularly insisted that it would not matter to me. It mattered to him.

     One post can’t tell a whole story. To assume that I simply wasn’t there is a HUGE assumption. This post was not about the years that we spent together, it was about me coping with his death. My dad and I were tremendously close. TREMENDOUSLY close. I can’t (nor need I) summarize every aspect of it here, but our closeness persisted despite his anxieties about his living space.

     But, hey, thanks for the gut punch.

     

     Becca Reply:
     December 11th, 2009 at 3:59 pm

     have you even bothered to read any of Catherines other posts? it’s so obvious that she loved her father dearly. no one who reads her blog on a regular basis could doubt that.

     

     Nora Reply:
     December 11th, 2009 at 4:18 pm

     Why would you write something like this?

     I realize that in blogging, she opens herself up to the world, criticisms and praise alike, and all that bullshit. But baring A PART of one’s soul online does not give others the right to say things that decent human beings simply do not say to one another. Would you ever, EVER question a friend’s loyalty to her deceased loved ones to her face? I’ll venture a guess – NO. What the hell gives you any right to do it here?

     I’m really appalled and disgusted with this comment. Really.

     

     Kizz Reply:
     December 14th, 2009 at 5:15 pm

     Someone who would write such a thing clearly has never been close to a hoarder. Even many of my closest friends I know think badly of me because I’m not saving my mother. To me, I’m saving my relationship with my mother by not forcing a (useless) “cure” on her. To my friends (and hers!) I don’t seem to care or I’m as sick as she is. Jude is one of many who has not a single clue what interacting with people we love who hoard is like.

     

     sisterofahoarder Reply:
     December 29th, 2009 at 8:14 am

     Well, I’ve been living with my sister’s hoarding for over 30 years, and I’m still trying to save her. She’s not just a tinkerer, or someone interested in electronics… She’s got a huge problem. Does it mean I don’t respect her hoarding? Oh yeah, you bet I do. She’s tantrummed on me more times than I know what to do anymore. She’s made sure that every one around her is unhappy as she is… Does that mean I am still not trying. Don’t get me wrong… I totally appreciate this post, if for nothing to get my own frustration out about how hard and trying it is to have a hoarder in one’s life… Yet I’m still trying! That’s why I’m a proponent of the show Hoarders. At least it’s brought to the public eye. At least it’s no longer a “dirty little secret.” At least it opens a dialogue with my sister…

105. Alison Said,

     December 11, 2009 @ 5:53 pm

     Just a coward. Does a hit and run. To stir up the pile? For attention?

     Not worth your time, Catherine.
     Alison´s last blog ..Why I’ll never be fashionable at Christmas

106. Suebob Said,

     December 11, 2009 @ 7:21 pm

     The way you dig beneath the surface and express your thoughts so beautifully and humanly takes my breath away, Catherine.

     I lived with a hoarder for a bit. The thing that shocked me was the depth of his emotional attachment to his things (he hoarded paper – newspapers, magazines, brochures, business cards, notes). Things that seemed utterly insignificant to me caused him real distress and sadness if they were tossed out (and believe me, I tossed a lot of stuff out). It was profoundly disturbing to him to be relieved of any of the paper that I saw as a mess and a burden.
     Suebob´s last blog ..Best Blog Challenge

107. Laura Said,

     December 12, 2009 @ 6:32 am

     Just found your blog, What a beautiful post. I saw Hoarders on Oprah and could hardly watch that, so I have not turned on the actual show. I really do not think they are helping there issues.

108. Hollywood Farm Said,

     December 12, 2009 @ 10:37 am

     All I have to say is, what an excellent sign of good parenting on your dad’s part. You brought me to tears. You are a wonderful daughter!

109. pixielation Said,

     December 13, 2009 @ 7:49 pm

     What a moving bit of writing. Great understanding, love and compassion.

     And it’s true, those shows are designed for primetime tv, to shock and generate viewers, but not necessarily to create better understanding or empathy.
     pixielation´s last blog ..happiness is a beach

110. Letting Go of Some Things « Princess Nebraska Said,

     December 13, 2009 @ 9:26 pm

     [...] Go of Some Things Posted on December 13, 2009 by ebj123 Did anyone else read Her Bad Mother’s recent post on the show Hoarders and why she doesn’t watch [...]

111. nicole Said,

     December 13, 2009 @ 11:03 pm

     I think you do a wonderful service to your father’s spirit each time you write about him. I can only imagine how cathartic it is for you…at least I hope it is.

     As for Hoarders, I’ve never seen the show. Stuff like that just doesn’t appeal to me. I’d rather watch American Idol where people are rushing to make their dreams come true-then to watch someone in the bowls of despair.

     As for mess, I agree we’ve all got it-in some form or another.

112. Kiki Said,

     December 16, 2009 @ 3:59 pm

     I don’t know if you’re still reading comments for this post, but I wanted to thank you for it. My father died almost three years ago and he was also a hoarder, although he had my mother to keep the house somewhat in check and a hundred acres of land on which to hide the rest. My sister dealt with the bulk of his accumulations, as I had a 6 month old at the time and couldn’t help as much, but when I was able to go up and help out it was with a combination of tears at his passing and anger that he would have left so much behind for others to clean up. This was not, for him, a sign of mental illness, more a personality trait of thrift mixed with excessive messiness that he had his whole life. But even when I was pitching mounds of crap out of the 6 old cars he kept around “for parts,” sometimes I’d come across an item that was just so much MY DAD that I would have to laugh. I read your post and thought to myself, why did I have to be so angry at him for this? I know that my anger at his stuff was mostly just me being supremely pissed off at the universe that he had died. But I wish I could have stopped for a minute to realize, as you did, that here was part of the puzzle that was my father and that could tell me quite a lot about him if only I paid attention and listened. That it wasn’t a burden, but a privilege, to be able to delve into his world that had been left unfinished. Things that he left behind precisely because his death was so sudden, he didn’t have time to clean up for it. I think I managed little glimpses of that world which I now hold on to.

     My mother recently sent me a picture she found in one of his piles of stuff. It was something I drew maybe when I was 8 or so, most likely after a fight with my sister. On one side of the paper was a drawing of a flower, with “Kiki is a flower” written underneath. On the other side was a drawing of a pig, with “[Kiki's sister] is a pig” underneath. Something I wrote in huffy anger and probably would have thrown away myself, he kept because… he thought it was cute? It epitomized me at the time? I don’t know, but I’m damn glad he kept it. It was an amazing thing to see after decades.

     Dad, I salute you. In your detritus I found pieces of you I didn’t know existed, and pieces of me that I had forgotten. Thanks for saving both for me to see.

113. Rita Said,

     December 18, 2009 @ 9:33 pm

     Catherine:

     Your post is a beautiful tribute to your father. Your words are sad and yet comforting all the same. I lost my father 18 years ago and I can remember those first few months when I read what you are going through.

     I am truly amazed at your ability to express your feelings in such a magical way.

     My thoughts and prayers are with you as you deal with your fresh grief.

     Have hope. You WILL get to the other side of this.
     Rita´s last blog ..You Ain’t Nothin But a Hound Dog

114. kittenpie Said,

     December 19, 2009 @ 10:50 am

     This made me think of this:

     http://adventbooks.wordpress.com/2009/12/01/makers-by-cory-doctorow-reviewed-by-sean-cranbury/

115. whollyjeanne Said,

     December 21, 2009 @ 10:36 am

     even after reading this amazing post 3 times, i know i haven’t fully absorbed it yet. and i just had to stop reading the comments because the frustration proved too big and too easy a distraction from the essence of your post.

     this is big – for so many reasons and on so many levels, this. is. big. but all i can articulate right now is what ran through me repeatedly as i read your words: my sister-in-law is 51 years old and, for reasons we will never know, functions at the level of say an 8 year old. her taste in fashion is juvenile. dolls are her #1 cherished possessions. the only female child in a family of engineers and doctors, she can’t solve the simplest math problem or read the simplest story. she likes tablets and pencils, though, and one day when i was cleaning out her bulging, overfilled drawers, i took the time to read her tablets and to my great surprise and joy, i discovered that she was keeping journals.

     she keeps journals.

     there is more to this woman than meets the eye, and so, i believe, it is with everyone. we make far too many judgments about people, sometimes without even realizing (at least i have to hope that is the case) what we are doing. we peg them, label them, judge and thus limit them because, in part, it’s so much easier that way. and sometimes, i fear, we do it because it is a shortcut to feeling better about and elevating ourselves.

     okay, i’m obviously getting mired down here, so i’ll just say this: thank you for being brave enough, willing enough to share.

     thank you.

116. Comfort And Joy | Her Bad Mother Said,

     December 29, 2009 @ 12:54 am

     [...] come west to try to finish the work of clearing out my father’s home, of getting closer to closure with the business surrounding his death. My husband is doing the [...]

117. sisterofahoarder Said,

     December 29, 2009 @ 8:24 am

     I’ve read every single post here. I do think it’s an excellent post. However, and I dare to throw out the bone… Don’t you ever wonder, just once… don’t you ever wonder what might your life had been like had you not grown up with a hoarder in your life? Did you keep it a secret? Were you ashamed? I’m asking because even though I knew my sister was a hoarder from early on (even if I didn’t know the term hoarder), I WAS ashamed. I WAS embarrassed. I DIDN’T understand. Yes, I loved my sister. Yes, I wanted her to be happy. At the same time, I wanted her to grow up and smell the coffee. Without the show Hoarders, these posts might never have been. Thank you for posting, and sorry to have been controversial. But my sister has caused our family and especially me A LOT of pain.

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