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7 Jul

A Hysterical Pregnancy Is A Wish That A Desperate Uterus Makes

Last week, in a fit of confusion and something that tasted a little bit like desperation salted with hope, I wrote what follows. I didn’t publish it, of course, because even though I tend to be pretty confessional in this space, I am, at the end of the day, loathe to post anything that makes me look insane, or idiotic, or both:

I am convinced that I am pregnant. The thing is, I can’t possibly be pregnant. You see how this could be confusing.

I can’t be pregnant because my husband had a vasectomy. Sure, there have been cases where vasectomies have failed, but those are extremely rare. So rare, that when you google ‘vasectomy failure rates’ you come across eleventeen thousand variations on jokes with the punchline vasectomy failure — or did the postman ring twice, *nudge-nudge-wink-wink*?? Also, I’m old, at least within the context of fertility. Late maternal age and all that. Which is one of the reasons why we had the vasectomy, which involves snippage of the internal man parts, which is why it’s a pretty good bet, contraception-wise. So I can’t be pregnant.

But that’s not stopping me from feeling like I am.

17 Jun

I Have Heard The Mermaids Singing

After four days of being confined to bed, feeling as though one’s lungs are collapsing under the weight of a thousand stepdancing leprechauns who, when their legs get tired, relax by stabbing one in the ears with the pointy end of the rainbow, it’s hard to avoid feeling glumly reflective and moodily obsessive about, say, what many things have I failed to accomplished, lo these long years? and what will be my legacy, whensoever I am dragged from this bed, a bedraggled, lung-crushed heap? and shouldn’t I have a better mattress at this stage in my life? and why are there cracker crumbs in this bed? and why won’t anyone bring me tea in a nice china pot, with biscuits and sugar lumps on the side?

I grow old, I grow old.

I am consoled, only, with this, the knowledge that my children may someday find their place in the firmament that is Awkward Family Photos:

28 May

The Darndest Things

It’s been a bad week. Jasper got sick, and then Emilia got sick, and now everyone is sick and I haven’t slept in days and I’m way behind on everything and have no idea when I can even begin to catch up because SICK CHILDREN and NO SLEEP make Catherine a DULL GIRL and I feel like a sucky whiner for wallowing in self-pity while my sister copes with the slow process of losing her son, a boy who is able to keep a smile on his face even as his ability to do his favorite things – draw, strum guitar – fades away, even as he faces death, and meanwhile I am crabby because I had to wash toddler puke out of my hair and because I live in a universe where there is a second Sex and the City movie and all that just makes me feel worse about myself, so.

I need to take a page out of Emilia’s book. No, really, her actual book, in which she writes stuff like this:

7 May

The Story’s The Thing

sowagirlMy mother was and still is an inveterate teller of tall tales, especially in conversation with children. She delights in the wide-eyed fascination of children with all things fantastic, and decided very early in her career as a mother that it was part of her job to keep the eyes of her own children and those of any children who accidentally wandered into range of hearing as wide as possible.

Accordingly, I grew up in a home in which it seemed entirely possible that there were sea creatures living in the plumbing and gnomes hiding in the closets. There were fairies and elves and imps and other magical creatures in the woods behind our house, and they lived in harmony with the animals there – the squirrels and birds that I saw every day, and the raccoons and skunks that I saw less often but knew well from the tracks in our backyard, tracks that my mother was very careful to point out and explain as evidence of the late-night forest creature moondances that occurred a few times each month. I knew that the forest creatures maintained harmony in their community through the frequent town-hall meetings that they held in a mossy stump – I knew this because my mother showed me exactly where they all sat during these meetings and held up various broken twigs and branches (used as benches) as evidence. I knew that I should never, ever pick toadstools, because if I did so I would be destroying the shelter of the littlest creatures of the forest.

I also knew that my sister and I came from a cabbage patch, and that if we unscrewed our bellybuttons, our bums would fall off. When I got old enough to start doubting these tales, I would confront my mother upon each telling: are you telling me a story?

Of course I am, my darling, she’d reply. But that doesn’t mean that I’m not telling you the truth.