What A Girl Wants

My husband had a vasectomy last year. There was a lot of discussion around it – another baby would not have been unwelcome, and so I wasn’t eager to close off the possibility – but we both knew that it would be madness for me to risk repeating the more or less pretty awfully terrible anxieties and stresses and mental and physical health concerns that I endured in my pregnancy and delivery and post-partum experience with Jasper. “You can’t go through that again,” my husband said, repeatedly, last spring. “We can’t go through that again.

He was right, of course. The pregnancy with Jasper wreaked havoc on my mind and body, as did his birth, as did the post-partum aftermath of that pregnancy and birth. In many ways, I’m still recovering. But still, I have moments in which the loss of the possibility of another pregnancy, another birth, another baby weighs so heavily upon me that it’s difficult to breath, in which the closing off of that future feels a little bit like heartbreak.

It’s a visceral, irrational thing, this feeling – a little bit like thwarted puppy love, like an unrequited crush – I know that I don’t need to have this desire fulfilled, I know that it’s probably better for me to not have this desire fulfilled, I know that the reasonable thing, the rational thing, is to reject this desire and put it in its place, but that knowledge is powerless, in those moments when that knowledge doesn’t stop the desire from pulsing and aching and drowning out everything but the want.

(I think about what we would name this child, I ruminate over whether Emilia and Jasper would prefer a little brother or a little sister or whether they’d care, I push aside the anxieties around another difficult pregnancy and birth and think about that feeling of fullness, I think about how we’d need a new vehicle, perhaps a new house, and then I think about how we couldn’t really afford it, anyway, and about how hard the depression was, this time around, and, really, we had a vasectomy, so it’s moot, this issue, and it’s all for the best anyway.)

And I have another moment, and I think: Beatrice. Oliver. Olivia. Alice. Theo. And my heart flutters, a little sadly.)

I don’t know whether, in those moments – and they are only ever just moments, sometimes protracted, sometimes not – what I’m yearning for is another baby, or just for the possibility of another baby, for fertility and promise and the experience of knowing that my body can do this, that it can grow and nourish and bring forth and nourish new life. I don’t know. I do know that when I look at my children I feel grateful and whole; I look at them and I don’t feel any lack, I don’t feel that anything’s missing, I know that we are complete as a family and that everything about us is good.

But then I have these moments, these utterly destabilizing moments of want and I’m confused. Just, confused.

Does this ever happen to you? How do you make it stop? Do you want make it stop? Or do you just keep your running list of baby names and make it a little game make-believe where you pretend that you have infinite abilities of baby-making and infinite resources for baby-sustaining and you can have as many or as a few babies as you like and you never wreck your body and you never get depressed and your boobs are glorious, resilient fonts of nurturing liquid gold that never ache or scab and you just get to live out the fantasy of motherhood as it never, ever is and then you have a shot of vodka? Or what?

Posted by Her Bad Mother on January 27, 2010 2:10 pm • Being Bad, Flamily, ask the internets, body talk, breastfeeding, depression, heavy, her bad crazies • 150 comments  

150 Comments

1. Forgotten Said,

   January 27, 2010 @ 2:25 pm

   My mom has always told me that I will know when I am done having children. She said that I will know in my heart of hearts that I am finished. I have 3 little ones. When I was signing the paperwork for the c-section for the third, they brought me papers for them to tie my tubes. I was pissed. I had specifically told my doctor that I was not taking that possibility away because I didn’t know if I was done yet or not. The nurse was the one who decided to bring them. She figured since I had 3 that I MUST be done. She now definitely knows better than to make that assumption about anyone ever again. I’m getting divorced and I don’t know that I’ll ever have any more children but it does warm my heart to know that I can still try later if I want. When I was little, I always said 2 would be my limit because I grew up as one of 3 and I thought it was too many. I was soooo wrong. Be happy knowing that you still have the ability and that if need be, you can have some little swimmers forcibly evicted from his roadblocked tubing and relocated to your baby-making girly parts if you guys change your mind later…

   

   Rose Jane Reply:
   January 28th, 2010 at 2:07 pm

   With all the anxiety of past pregnancies and post-partum, I think one has to also consider the possibility of being able to handle miscarriages. I know that some may consider this another kettle of fish, but I think it’s a reality of jumping into the, “trying to have another baby” game. I have two healthy, happy children, but just had two miscarriages, trying for our third. I never thought it would happen to me. But as I am discovering from others, it’s a reality and something that happens to many who have had successful pregnancies in the past.

2. Forgotten Said,

   January 27, 2010 @ 2:27 pm

   My mom has always told me that I will know when I am done having children. She said that I will know in my heart of hearts that I am finished. I have 3 little ones. When I was signing the paperwork for the c-section for the third, they brought me papers for them to tie my tubes. I was pissed. I had specifically told my doctor that I was not taking that possibility away because I didn’t know if I was done yet or not. The nurse was the one who decided to bring them. She figured since I had 3 that I MUST be done. She now definitely knows better than to make that assumption about anyone ever again. I’m getting divorced and I don’t know that I’ll ever have any more children but it does warm my heart to know that I can still try later if I want. When I was little, I always said 2 would be my limit because I grew up as one of 3 and I thought it was too many. I was soooo wrong. Be happy knowing that you still have the ability and that if need be, you can have some little swimmers forcibly evicted from his roadblocked tubing and relocated to your baby-making girly parts if you guys change your mind later…
   Forgotten´s last blog ..From the inside looking out…

   

   Her Bad Mother Reply:
   January 27th, 2010 at 9:33 pm

   If my husband reads the last line of this comment, that will NEVER happen.

   

   

   Forgotten Reply:
   January 29th, 2010 at 4:36 pm

   Sorry.

   Maybe I should say gently coaxed out with sharp pointy objects…wait. That won’t help either.

   Well, there would be some numbing stuff involved! Does that make it better?
   Forgotten´s last blog ..Fortune…

3. danish Said,

   January 27, 2010 @ 2:33 pm

   My husband says he only wants one kid. Our son is almost 4 and I recently have changed my mind and would now like another. I am in the southeast with pretty much no social network and no family close by. My parents and newly pregnant sister are in the northeast. I do not want our child to be an only child. My husband is an only and insists he is fine that way.

   I have been spending a lot of time fantasising about a daughter or another little boy. And the chance to nurse again! I nursed him for 16 months and would love to be able to do it again.

   Then I think about my son and how it was a relatively easy pregnancy, and he is a great eater and sleeper, and do I want to risk the polar opposite?

   Also, I am 37 and my husband is 39 so we sure are getting up there in age.

   As you can see, I go back and forth. Three of my coworkers are expecting so it is really on my mind often these days.

   

   lo glo Reply:
   February 8th, 2010 at 1:23 pm

   Biggest regret – not enough kids. I have two, growing amazingly fast, now thinking of fostering – if you can do it, I would seriously think of more, those tough days of raising little ones go by faster than you think and who would your son have to complain to (about his parents) if not another sibling? Mine are attached at the hip and I am happy that I have at least given them the gift of each other. That said, all kids should be wanted in the home -

4. Angie@The Crew Said,

   January 27, 2010 @ 2:43 pm

   This is the most natural feeling. I am actually in the midst of that same feeling because of a dream I had of the birth of a new baby(a girl)a couple of nights ago. We have discussed more children but I will be 40 in July and hubs is going to be 42 in June. Hubs hasn’t done the vasectomy yet so I think we are both battling it together. The fears of course are money and the idea of never having all the kids out of the house. My other fear is that lil man who was my last one was 11lbs. 1oz at birth and although delivered vaginally left behind bad hips and minor other isses, would the next one be bigger yet? EEEK

   Just wanted after all that to let you know that it is so normal and to me it comes and goes and probably won’t go away until I can no longer bear children. Hugs to you and LOVE the names

   

   Her Bad Mother Reply:
   January 27th, 2010 at 9:33 pm

   It IS good to know, thank you

5. Linda Said,

   January 27, 2010 @ 2:45 pm

   I was able to have just one child and even that was a stroke of good fortune (and much assisted reproductive technology). Subsequent frozen embryo transfers failed and I (we) decided to let it go and not try another fresh IVF cycle.

   My longing for another child hasn’t stopped and I don’t expect it to. I could argue both sides for having tried again, so I know I’ll always have some lingering regrets and doubts.

   How to make it stop? I dunno. I suspect it won’t really stop, so I just reconcile myself to it. I guess I just get on with it, be grateful for the good fortune in having my daughter (a dear friend is making her peace with knowing she’ll *never* have a baby) and occasionally muse about that child who will never be. (Incidentally, I’ve named her Beatrice or Alice, too.)

   It’s part of the story of my life and it can’t help but inform who I am. I feel determined not to wallow in it, but it’s a sweet sadness just the same.

   

   Her Bad Mother Reply:
   January 27th, 2010 at 9:35 pm

   *SIGH* That sadness must be so much tougher than mine, no less for being sweet.

   *hugs*

6. beanski Said,

   January 27, 2010 @ 2:57 pm

   Dude, I cried signing Christmas cards this year because in my mind “someone is missing” from our family of four. I think about names too, probably more than I should. It is pure insanity considering how miserable I’ve been for the last fifteen months. Like, I know I SHOULDN’T have more kids for the sake of my current kids and my marriage but I still WANT to. I do not understand the such contradictory feelings. I think part of it is that I want a do-over. I want another chance to prove to myself that I can be a good mom. I feel like I got cheated with my second baby; a hard, never sleeping baby that tested every single inch of my patience. A baby that was not planned and was born too soon after his big sister.

   If you find out how to get over it, I’d love to know.

   

   Her Bad Mother Reply:
   January 27th, 2010 at 9:35 pm

   Right back at you. Whoever figures it out first, shares, deal?

7. Jessi Said,

   January 27, 2010 @ 3:01 pm

   I had my tubes tied at the end of my last pregnancy, because I knew that even though I would love to have a house full of kids, I don’t want another pregnancy. I don’t want to do that to myself again. I think alot about being a foster parent or even adoption, but it’s not in our cards right now. Mostly, I’m okay with that. (Of course Maren’s just one, so we’ll see if I’m still okay with that in about 3 years.) That longing is so bitter and I don’t miss it. I hope you find peace with it.

8. K-Line Said,

   January 27, 2010 @ 3:03 pm

   I have only one child (my choice, my husband wanted more) because I had a very challenging pregnancy (daily vomiting for 7 months) and terrible post partum anxiety that lasted far too long – and likely rewired my brain chemistry, to be perfectly honest. Nonetheless, occasionally (very infrequently) I wonder about having another child. It’s completely theoretical. I do believe it’s about knowing that I could do it, that maybe it would be different and better this time. Because early parenting of my child was so horrible I don’t remember much of the first 3 years.

   Thing is, whether you have 5 kids or none, eventually you make a decision that the “having children” phase of your life is closed to more additions. I mean, if you’re single at 40 and wanting kids but convinced that parenting in partnership is necessary – you’re still making that decision. If you can’t have (more) kids and you opt to stop trying with interventions (if you’ve used them) or to adopt (if you tried this), you still have to come to terms with the end of that potential experience. We take ownership of closing the door / opening a new one that brings us to a new (and hopefully equally if not more fulfilling) stage of our lives.

   Wow, this comment went on…
   K-Line´s last blog ..I Want To Go To There

   

   Her Bad Mother Reply:
   January 27th, 2010 at 9:37 pm

   I think that I’m mostly at peace with it. Mostly, most of the time. And when I am at peace, I’m totally at peace. It’s just those few, intermittent moments when I’m not…

9. Issa Said,

   January 27, 2010 @ 3:05 pm

   I have no advice. Heck, I’m in the beginnings of getting divorced and I still want one more baby. Tristan, Addison, Beckett, Charlotte….sigh. I still dream about being pregnant again. Of holding one more tiny newborn at night again.

   I think one day we get over it? Maybe? Not sure. I think some of it is hormonal. We see babies and think oh just one more. Looking at say, Annabel Spohr, makes me want one in this instant. Then eventually we remember reality.

   Maybe one day, the reality takes over? Like I said, a guess. Just really wanted to say, it’s not just you. Promise.
   Issa´s last blog ..I’d like to be this strong one day

   

   Her Bad Mother Reply:
   January 27th, 2010 at 9:39 pm

   Oh, I know. Heather having Annabel, other friends having babies, anyone breastfeeding… it doesn’t take much to trigger that desire. I just have to remember that desire is not necessarily *need*.

   And yeah, reality. SIGH.

10. Bec Said,

    January 27, 2010 @ 3:12 pm

    I always say, if I was younger and richer, I’d have four.
    Alas, we’re sticking with two.

11. Kate Said,

    January 27, 2010 @ 3:16 pm

    As a biology professor, I might suggest that some of this is hormones. Doesn’t make it less real, but maybe it will help if you realized that probably, no matter how many kids you have, you’d always still have a little of these twinges. That’s part of what hormones do to some women (many? most?)

    Good luck with it! I know I’ll be in the same boat once we decide we’re done. (We have two and are pretty sure, but not completely sure, that we’re going to have one more only.)

    And, sometimes vasectomies fail (yes, very, very rarely) but maybe you can justify your daydreams by calling it ‘planning’ in case a very rare event happens someday.

    

    Her Bad Mother Reply:
    January 27th, 2010 at 9:41 pm

    I know that some of it is hormones. It’s no accident that the worst of it happens at a certain, ovulatory times of the month.

    And yes, I do try to frame the possibility as possibility of (divinely sanctioned? fated?) accident. MAYBE.

12. kate Said,

    January 27, 2010 @ 3:17 pm

    I worry about this too. I was so finished during my third pregnancy – always wanted three, had three, boom, done. And then the feelings started creeping in. Feelings of a job left incomplete. Feelings that someone (actually TWO someones) was missing from our family. in my head I know that what we have is perfect. That what we have is enough. That we cannot afford more children financially. That it will stress our emotions and patience and time as well as our bank account. But I just don’t feel done. And I worry that if we were to have two more, I STILL wouldn’t feel done. Maybe I will never feel done, and if that is the case perhaps we should stop at three. Stop before we have stretched every resource beyond its limits. But oh, the yearning! I just don’t know. For now we are holding off on the vasectomy while we figure out if more would even be possible. After that, we’ll see.

13. kdiddy Said,

    January 27, 2010 @ 3:18 pm

    I want to have another baby (kind of…mostly…I think…I don’t know), but my husband does NOT. We are still young enough to have time to reconsider, but it bugs me that he’s not there with me. but I definitely have those moments where the yearning is overpowering. It’s scary how strong that urge is.
    kdiddy´s last blog ..recent failures

14. Nissa Said,

    January 27, 2010 @ 3:20 pm

    It seems like we’re just wired to be mothers (most of the time). I am currently NOT a mother (unless my dog counts) but I am happily married, and I feel the sadness in my heart that there is someone missing from our family (I suppose that’s a whole ‘nother post all together, right?) Often, when something is happening (dinner, a road trip, a visit to the museum, etc) I imagine doing it with a child. I can see the kid. It’s scary. We’re young, extremely busy and nowhere near a good “place” for a baby, so I wish that I could stop these hallucinations!

    Anyway, it seems like we all are just wired this way. Loving those babehs.

    

    Her Bad Mother Reply:
    January 28th, 2010 at 10:59 am

    I know what you mean, and I find it disconcerting, that I am so tied to my biology, that my body gives me urges that my mind doesn’t quite understand.

    Will never get used to that, I suppose.

15. Gwensarah Said,

    January 27, 2010 @ 3:21 pm

    I had to delurk for this because it hits so close to home. I very foolishly consented to a tubal last March and have regretted it every single day since. While another pregnancy could be extremely life threatening (I had CHF after both my deliveries) I still cling to the failure rates and chart my ovulation hoping against hope that I’ll fall into that .04% and get pregnant.
    Maybe someday I’ll accept things but so far not even close. Someone else mentioned Annabel Spohr, I cried the day she was born out of sheer happiness for Mike and Heather, she is proof of joy after heartwrenching loss..a loss that I can understand and we’d like to be three again too, that makes it all the more difficult.

16. kenandbelly Said,

    January 27, 2010 @ 3:21 pm

    Given Jasper’s entry in to the world, it absolutely makes sense that it would be hard to discern the feeling of wanting another child from (not) wanting to be fertile– they’re going to be so tangled for you. Maybe one way to parse this for yourself is to think about fostering or adopting…

    

    Her Bad Mother Reply:
    January 28th, 2010 at 11:01 am

    I have thought about adoption, a lot. It might be something to consider later on, if the urges are still there. But part of this ambivalence involves kinda wanting an ‘accident’, for the decision to be made for me (which, post-vasectomy, is unlikely). Also, this weird urge to be pregnant again, even though I HATED the last pregnancy.

17. Amanda Said,

    January 27, 2010 @ 3:32 pm

    I don’t have any kids yet, but this post caught my attention. As the only unmarried and unengaged of my friends, I feel left out often and I dream of what my life will be like when it happens to me.

    Now that I’m an aunt I cannot stop thinking about having a baby. Though I’m not really at a place in my life where a child would be the best things I suppose. I just moved out of my parents house and I’m not done with college yet. When these thoughts flood my mind I often think about how my hormones are doing this to me and that when the time is right I’ll have a baby and be married.
    Amanda´s last blog ..Weekend Recap

18. anonymous Said,

    January 27, 2010 @ 3:37 pm

    I have 3 kids, and I think about having another every day. I think it’s hard to let go of the idea of another baby, because it means the end of a chapter in your life. Everything else you decide to quit doing, you sort of always know that you could really go back to it if you suddenly changed your mind. Choosing to stay home (you could go back if you really had to), quitting smoking (well, if I’m desperate I could have one more) etc. But since we’re aging, to stop having kids now pretty much means to stop forever. For 10 years my clock ticked before I started having kids, now I hear it ticking as I get to the end of my fertility. It’s all very sad.

    

    Her Bad Mother Reply:
    January 28th, 2010 at 11:04 am

    I think that that’s absolutely a big part of it, that feeling that certain decisions, certain options, have just become closed (or soon will be) and that that’s beyond my control. Ugh.

19. Suzie Q Said,

    January 27, 2010 @ 3:49 pm

    I never felt that I was “done” but alas, (at the time) I wanted the boyfriend more than I wanted more children, so I had my tubes tied. Here I am 7 years later, married to the love of my life – not the boyfriend, and cursing myself for doing it. I know I’m going to sound stupid for not knowing this, but I had no idea insurance will NOT pay for a reversal. Now, I don’t know what to do, do I spend the money (and for us it is A LOT OF MONEY) for the reversal or IVF when there is no guarantee?

    I worry that my wonderful, beautiful husband will end up resenting me for the choice I made before I knew he existed – even though he swears that he won’t.

    

    Her Bad Mother Reply:
    January 28th, 2010 at 12:53 pm

    You don’t sound stupid at all. So many of us make decisions early on without really fully investigating what those decisions will mean for us later (ALL of us, I’d say.)

    There’s never a guarantee of pregnancy, no matter how it’s done (as some of us find out to our shock, after years of trying to avoid it ). I’d look into IVF if that’s what I really wanted. Some things are worth the risk/hope/money

20. geena Said,

    January 27, 2010 @ 3:50 pm

    I had my tubes tied after my youngest was born almost 6 yrs ago now. At the time it seemed like the right decision to make. My husband had only wanted 2 kids and I talked him into 3, but we have been blessed with four…four kids in 3.5 yrs, three of which occured in 11 mos. So I did it, I had them tied. Oh but is the longing there for another child, when my period is late I talk myself into a fantasy of believing my tubes have somehow reconnected and I’m pregnant. I regret the decision I made so much. Hubby on the other hand is still quite content to be done. I suppose I’ll get there with him someday
    geena´s last blog ..

21. Mrs F with 4 Said,

    January 27, 2010 @ 4:01 pm

    I, too, have four (amazing) children. My head says STOP, my heart says GO. I don’t think I’ll ever quite get over it… but I am now over 40… and Mr F went sprinting to the urologist when number 4 was one year old. Apparently, we are done.

    I still have that yearning though.

22. Carrie Said,

    January 27, 2010 @ 4:02 pm

    I definitely consider the possibility of more. My husband always said he only wanted 1 but when we were unexpectedly expecting #2 HE was the one super excited and happy initially.

    I’m happy with our life now with just 2 but sometimes I get those twitchy feelings and I wonder if a 3rd isn’t in the future…it would be such a change lifestyle wise. Need a new car for sure, possibly a new house with more bedrooms…only time will tell. I have about 4 years before I have to make a decision

23. Joy Said,

    January 27, 2010 @ 4:05 pm

    No, I don’t think that we ever really stop dreaming about the children that we didn’t have, that might have one day come to us…

24. Trish Said,

    January 27, 2010 @ 4:07 pm

    I got mono and CMV when I was pregnant with our fourth (third was a miscarriage). There was fetal growth restriction going on, heart issues (hole? murmur?). Weekly ultrasounds, blood draws. Her cord delivered before her and I was wheeled to the OR on all fours with the nurse’s hand all up in my stuff holding the baby in place. The baby was born with CMV and is behind in development. She’s doing great though, catching up!

    We decided before that three was enough for us. Our 7yr old has Autism and our 4 yr old has attitude, who knew what the hell would come out this time. My OB removed part of my tubes and poof done.

    I regret it every day. I know I wouldn’t have another one, too dangerous for me and the baby but still. God, do I want another one. Even when I was up every 1/2 hour w/ my sick 9 mo old last night. I would totally do this again and again.

    Thankfully, my husband and I talked about adopting and he’s still on board for that. Whew.

    I don’t know that the feeling goes away, I don’t know that it *should*. It makes us who we are: human, emotional, real.

    

    Her Bad Mother Reply:
    January 28th, 2010 at 12:55 pm

    “I don’t know that the feeling goes away, I don’t know that it *should*. It makes us who we are: human, emotional, real.”

    Perfectly said.

25. sandy Said,

    January 27, 2010 @ 4:18 pm

    “great comments,” she says, wistfully. I personally never had the chance to go there myself, and now I’m 47, parenting my partner’s 6 and 9 yolds… Life is beautiful, yet/and, I still wonder sometimes what it might have looked like to have had my own. Like so many have said, I don’t know if that twinge ever goes away completely. Even when you know you cannot, anymore.

    and yet. It is also a beautiful moment when you know the moment for what it is, and you are allowed to say goodbye to a thing/circumstance/person. Think about it, the many times in life when something happened and you think ‘I wish I’d known that it would never be that way again.’ So now for you, with this particular choice, you know it for what it is, you can honor that choice, grieve it the way you’d wish to, and then let it go and move towards the next adventure in life.

    just a thought.

    

    Her Bad Mother Reply:
    January 28th, 2010 at 1:01 pm

    Beautifully put. Thank you.

26. Chelle Said,

    January 27, 2010 @ 4:24 pm

    …do you just keep your running list of baby names and make it a little game make-believe where you pretend that you have infinite abilities of baby-making and infinite resources for baby-sustaining and you can have as many or as a few babies as you like and you never wreck your body and you never get depressed and your boobs are glorious, resilient fonts of nurturing liquid gold that never ache or scab and you just get to live out the fantasy of motherhood as it never, ever is…

    YES. yes yes yes. I have no children (yet – most likely starting my first IVF cycle in the near future though – eek!), but I play similar mind games & ask myself similar questions all. the. time. How many, what if it’s twins, what if it’s MORE than twins, girl name, boy names, boy & girl names (for the twins you know), will we need a bigger car, will we need a bigger house… it goes on and on. And I haven’t even gotten to start having the kidlets yet. God help me once we’ve got a kidlet or two…
    Chelle´s last blog ..SU supports Haitian Relief efforts

27. Amanda Said,

    January 27, 2010 @ 4:24 pm

    I quiet those thoughts of another by remembering how my youngest, now 3, would only sleep for about 20 minutes at a time and ONLY while I held him. Not anyone else – ME. He screamed if I even left him with my husband, his dad, to go pee for all of a minute for the first 9 months of his life. I just can’t handle being that sleep deprived and having another human being be that clingy to me again. He didn’t sleep through the night until he was a little over 2. We still can’t travel anywhere because he can’t seem to sleep anywhere but home. Mother Nature was a mean bitch to me. I got a nice baby who slept and traveled well the first time around.
    Amanda´s last blog ..Graphics Sale

    

    Her Bad Mother Reply:
    January 28th, 2010 at 1:02 pm

    Ah, I still struggle with it, even though Jasper still doesn’t sleep through the night (we’re making progress – which is maybe why I’m feeling this way now? – but still.)

28. Parent Club Said,

    January 27, 2010 @ 4:43 pm

    I remember when I was last in labour – in the moment of labour – thinking “I’ll do this again – I can do this again”.

    That was a miscarriage and a fetal demise ago.

    Another child is not unwelcome…but the idea of having to be strapped down, I.V. in, on view to a bunch of doctors and other magical creatures for “intervention” for another demise…that…that…I hesitate at.
    Parent Club´s last blog ..Blaming January

    

    Her Bad Mother Reply:
    January 31st, 2010 at 8:26 pm

    Miscarriage is a big fear for me – in the fantasy world where I get pregnant despite the vasectomy, there’s still that fear, and the fear of genetic issues (which we faced with Jasper) and all the scary things that I know can happen.

    *hugs*

29. LD Said,

    January 27, 2010 @ 4:48 pm

    Nope. I’m done. But I don’t yet have the heart to make it permanent (i.e. vasectomy).
    Admittedly, it’s not the idea of another pregnancy that I don’t want. It’s the idea of another toddler that could kill me.
    But names … yes. Always the names. Here’s my confession (and it’s pathetic). Since my daughter is not quite 2, and has a million dolls, I have named them all. For me that is enough. I dread the day that she gets to name her own dolls!
    LD´s last blog ..Finding Yourself

    

    Her Bad Mother Reply:
    January 28th, 2010 at 1:03 pm

    I worry that I’m going to start adopting kittens and puppies, just so that I can name them.

30. Laura (Nahbee) Said,

    January 27, 2010 @ 4:59 pm

    I struggle with these thoughts too. I have two, beautiful, healthy boys and I adore them, but dream of having another one. Honestly, I dream of a little girl. Not because my boys are not enough, but because it is the one thing in my life I do not have.

    Should we? Will we? I don’t know. I have no urge to be pregnant. No urge to go through that horrible first year again. No urge to dable in the insanity of PPD again. And I am not over the sleep deprivation of this baby, who is almost two now.

    And yet, my period is late and there is possibility…and my brain goes there too. I am not even sure which result to wish for. You post is timely.

    

    Her Bad Mother Reply:
    January 31st, 2010 at 8:27 pm

    (you’ll let us know what the result is, maybe? if you want?)
    Her Bad Mother´s last blog ..I Love The Smell Of Activism In The Morning

31. Elizabeth Said,

    January 27, 2010 @ 5:00 pm

    My daughters are 18 and 22 now, and I remember with crystal clarity the process of deciding we would stop after 2. Our girls were 6 and 2.5, and we were both 40. It was such a hard decision for both of us, discussed over the course of several months, and we finally decided that we were done.

    Then THREE couples in our circle of friends, all of whom were about our age and each of whom had 2 children about the age of our two ALL got pregnant at about the same time. We were so very torn, and kept going back and thinking about our decision and trying to decide if it was the right decision for us or whether we should reconsider.

    That summer we went camping with Bob and Laurie, their 2 boys and their new baby who was about 2 months old. Bob and Laurie appeared to be very, very happy, but they were also completely exhausted. The baby cried and screamed and didn’t sleep and oh my god I’d forgotten how completely and utterly exhausting the whole baby thing can be.

    After that we felt much better about the whole thing!

32. Heather Said,

    January 27, 2010 @ 5:04 pm

    I’m glad to know that I am not the only one that questions whether or not to have another child on a daily basis. I have 2 beautiful girls (4 and 6) and know in my head that we can’t do another child right now. The child care we had with our girls would not be there for the third and we’re not in a position financially for me to be a SAHM. I’m not sure that my sanity could handle a 3rd child with a full time job, but I still think about it every day and wish for things to be different. I always thought it was just me that felt this way because my friends who are done seem so confident in their decisions. I guess I think I would have that same confidence if I just had one more, but now I’m not so sure that confidence would ever come. Thanks for talking about this on your blog.

33. Dani Said,

    January 27, 2010 @ 5:05 pm

    My husband always wanted children and I was meh.. Then I came around and we decided that we would have one maybe two. Definitely no more. Now #2, sweet little girl is ten months old and my heart and my body yearns for another. I know it’s hormones and that financially we can’t afford to put another in daycare. Not to mention once again facing the specter of preterm delivery and months in the NICU. It was awful with no babies at home but would be worse with two at home.
    In short, I know exactly what you mean.

34. BMom Said,

    January 27, 2010 @ 5:12 pm

    I am from the “I don’t think I’ll ever get over it” category. We had three and then my husband had a vas. But the longing, it’s always there. And I don’t know if it’s a true longing to have another child, or so much like what you wrote, knowing my body can do this, we can produce life, more life of the two of us together, more of these little people we already have & treasure so dearly and how wonderful it would be to have another in our lives. But then I reason with myself, knowing our family is complete, the logic of our house is full just right, we can take bigger vacations with the kids now, financially it’s best for us.

    For me I think it’s just simply that my heart gets into a tug-of-war with my mind. My mind has logic, my heart has longing. I think that will always be there, it’s just part of who I am, the mother in me will always long to mother another. So for me its good my husband took over and had things done, because my heart tends to win out over logic around here.

    All the best to you.

    

    Her Bad Mother Reply:
    January 28th, 2010 at 1:04 pm

    “So for me its good my husband took over and had things done, because my heart tends to win out over logic around here.”

    Yeah, that. DITTO.

35. Gourmet Fury | Food, Travel, Vancouver Blog » Mushroom Cardamom Rice Pudding with Dulce de Leche + Disasater Said,

    January 27, 2010 @ 5:33 pm

    [...] I work my butt off on a recipe and only get 13 comments while mommy blogs I’m up against get 50 comments for showing her lowerback tattoo (aka —stamp) or snipping her husband’s privates? [...]

36. Liz Said,

    January 27, 2010 @ 5:45 pm

    My husband’s vasectomy failed. We found out when the pregnancy test turned out positive 18 months later. I ended up miscarrying 10 weeks into the pregnancy.

    When I found out I was pregnant, I absolutely freaked. We already have two kids; we made the decision not to have any more; I was 40 at the time; a new baby was not going to fit into our lives. But at the same time, a part of me was so happy. There was joy and hope in a new baby.

    The miscarriage sucked. It took a long time to get over it. I can’t imagine having a 12 month old right now. But (sometimes) part of me still wants another baby.

    Husband has had vasectomy number two (that lucky guy), and now I’m a foster mom for kitties for a animal rescue organization. Whenever I get that maternal pull, I focus those energies on the kittens.

    

    Her Bad Mother Reply:
    January 31st, 2010 at 8:29 pm

    vasectomy fail! I don’t know whether that possibililty is good news or bad news…
    Her Bad Mother´s last blog ..I Love The Smell Of Activism In The Morning

37. red pen mama Said,

    January 27, 2010 @ 5:54 pm

    I just wrote about this too. (Tick Tock, I called the post. I’m so clever.) Right now, potty training (or lack thereof) is convincing me, almost, that I do not want to do the baby thing again. But then, you know, I see a baby. Husband has not been snipped, but we are on the “advanced maternal age” of things, and we’ve lost a baby, and pregnancies are hard at the end.

    Right now my mantra is “never say never”. I don’t really know how to make it stop. I suggested in my post that menopause would take care of that for me, and got lambasted by women by POF, so, uh, don’t mention that.

    Your children are beautiful. I think the biological overrules the logical in this arena.
    red pen mama´s last blog ..Public Service Announcement: Reprint

38. Megan {Velveteen Mind} Said,

    January 27, 2010 @ 6:07 pm

    When I was waiting to find out if Olive would be a boy or a girl, I wrote a post about mourning the daughter that may never come to be.

    I think it’s natural to mourn the loss of something that you never had. It’s final. This imaginary baby will never arrive for you to meet.

    That said, I’m pushing my lovely husband to finish the job that we were looking into when Olive decided to crash the scene. I can’t do this again.
    Megan {Velveteen Mind}´s last blog ..Babywearing Culture and My Bjorn Identity

39. Shannon Said,

    January 27, 2010 @ 6:10 pm

    We also made the decision for the hubby to get a vasectomy after we had our second child. For many similar reasons you did. And while I know in my gut that it was the right decision, and mostly I don’t ever want to be pregnant or deal with the newborn stage again, I still have twinges every so often. Holding a newborn still makes my ovaries ache. I’m not really sure that will ever stop for me, even when I’m past my childbearing years. That’s why I truly believe that people need to make the decision about whether or not to have more children on facts and not feelings. For me, the facts were that pregnancy and childbearing were extremely hard on me physically and mentally, as much as I love a squishy newborn. I guess it helped that we had always discussed adoption and now we are proceeding with that. But there will not be any more newborns for us and in some ways I will always feel a little sad, although I know it is the right decision for us. Bottom line? You’re not crazy.
    Shannon´s last blog ..The Blues

40. Jen Said,

    January 27, 2010 @ 6:22 pm

    This is so very, very timely. I have two boys, 8 and 5 1/2 and just had a miscarriage at 10 weeks of a very surprise pregnancy. I am not good at pregnancy and we can’t afford another one and wouldn’t have reliable childcare. My kids sleep and and can do things for themselves. BUT, my husband is talking about getting a vasectomy in March and the thought of it is making me so very, very sad. I don’t know how to get over it either but it’s nice to hear that I’m not alone.

41. Assertagirl Said,

    January 27, 2010 @ 6:23 pm

    Graham and I have already discussed whether or not we’ll do this again. I don’t think my “parts” could take the birth experience again. But my mind and heart aren’t certain that I want to close the door to creating another little life. It’s hard.

    

    Her Bad Mother Reply:
    January 31st, 2010 at 8:32 pm

    You’d be amazed at how readily your psyche forgets about the damage to your parts
    Her Bad Mother´s last blog ..I Love The Smell Of Activism In The Morning

42. Sarah Said,

    January 27, 2010 @ 7:07 pm

    I had my first child when I was 18, my second when I was 19, and an abortion and a divorce when I was 20 (yes we used birth control, just very fertile). It took six months to convince my doctor that I really, truly wanted a tubal at 22. Now I’m almost 35 and happily remarried to a man happy to be a step-father. I still get those feelings. Whenever I’m a little late, I think, “Wouldn’t that be something?, Wouldn’t that be cool?”. But really, this is the way it should be for us, and those moments are fleeting. The idea of another baby can be a powerful fantasy. I love playing with my friends’ babies. They are fun, cute and go home with someone else!

43. Scout's Honor Said,

    January 27, 2010 @ 8:12 pm

    Used have this self-doubt all the time, then we really did get pregnant after husband’s vasectomy failed. What! 10 lb awesome baby later, we had vasectomy done again. Now? No doubts at all.. If we aren’t done (pretty sure we are), we’ll adopt…

44. Fairly Odd Mother Said,

    January 27, 2010 @ 8:12 pm

    My third was only 8 weeks old when my husband got a vasectomy, and I honestly have never had even a twinge of regret. However, I do wish I had the chance to adopt, but I think another child would do me in right now. So, yeah, I kind of wish we had gone for 4, but I wouldn’t have wanted a fourth pregnancy. We would’ve made great adoptive parents. That is what will weigh on me for a while, I think.
    Fairly Odd Mother´s last blog ..No room at the inn: why it sucks to travel with a party of five

45. Marilyn Said,

    January 27, 2010 @ 8:25 pm

    I had a tubal ligation with my second c-section (and second child). Both of my pregnancies were extremely tough and my husband and I were sure – SURE – that we didn’t want any more children. And really I wasn’t sure a third pregnancy was something I could handle mentally or physically.

    Now that my youngest is 15 months and she’s in that really great stage of still being cuddly but also able to go out and explore on her own, I’ve found myself wistfully thinking of what a third baby would have been like.

    I think it’s hormones. I’m trying to ignore it.
    Marilyn´s last blog ..Virus Infected

46. mamatulip Said,

    January 27, 2010 @ 9:06 pm

    Yes, this happens to me. And as much as I feel like I am done, it still catches me off-guard a bit. Which is probably why neither of us have moved too fast to make anything ‘permanent.’

47. jodifur Said,

    January 27, 2010 @ 9:39 pm

    I only have one, and I medically have been advised not to have more, but I sometimes think and dream and wish what could be. I think it is natural.
    jodifur´s last blog ..It Is Official

48. Beth Said,

    January 27, 2010 @ 9:41 pm

    I had my tubes tied after Katie’s birth. When I went in five weeks-ish after my near death experience, my doc looked at me; I looked at him, and I said, aren’t you glad we tied those tubes off. He laughed and said, I would never have said that to you, but to be totally honest, I would live in terror of you getting pregnant again.

    He made the lab triple check what he excised to make certain that he had tied me off completely. Any chance that he hadn’t and I would be on birth control.

    I never imagined having more than two, so this is complete for me. My husband had to be convinced to have the second, but as much has he adores Katie, I don’t think he will ever admit that he had doubts.
    Beth´s last blog ..Top Ten Priorities for 2010

49. edenland Said,

    January 27, 2010 @ 9:44 pm

    Oh I could write a book on this topic.

    My husband and I had one child, and he had a vasectomy not long after. (He already had three previous children.) I was fine with this, but soon the Wanting came. Slowly but surely … my whole world was coloured in the desire for another child. I had never, ever wanted something so badly in my life. Every month I would time intercourse to coincide with ovulation, in the vain hope one of his swimmers would escape the blocked tubes.

    They never did.

    It grew into a rabid hunger within me … pregnant bellies made me cry, I had an ache so badly. Eventually my husband relented … he had a sperm aspiration, I did IVF, and the first go I got pregnant. (So damn lucky).

    Five days before the baby was born my husband got diagnosed with cancer, almost died, chemo, bald, etc. My baby (who is almost the exact age of your beautiful Jasper) cried. A lot. And wouldn’t sleep. And cried. I went out of my fricken mind.

    IN CONCLUSION: My husband is in remission, the baby is bigger (hallelujah!!!) …. I see pregnant bellies now and feel sick. Scarred by the experience, I will never ever have another baby and I am so glad to be done.

    I feel guilty … that I forced my husband into having a child, and that caused his cancer. Irrational, maybe.

    Women are programmed to feel this deep desire, it’s primal, we need to procreate to ensure the survival of human beings on the planet. I don’t know what your decision will be around it – but you do have options. I don’t know how much my strong longing was because a vasectomy is so FINAL. The choice had been taken away from me.

    Oh, I did write a book Catherine – sorry!

    Take care,
    Eden
    edenland´s last blog ..My son.

    

    Her Bad Mother Reply:
    January 31st, 2010 at 8:33 pm

    no apologies – it’s an extraordinary story.
    Her Bad Mother´s last blog ..I Love The Smell Of Activism In The Morning

50. Andrea's Sweet Life Said,

    January 27, 2010 @ 9:50 pm

    I call them my ‘wonder children’. I know I’ll never meet them, because my 2nd birth nearly killed me and a 3rd would finish the job.
    I’m happy with my 2, but yes I do get that ache… But then it’s gone and I move on.

51. Carolyn Said,

    January 27, 2010 @ 10:04 pm

    I think of this often. My marriage broke up when my daughter very young. Now, in my late thirties with a young child and demanding career, and with the more immediate concerns of the break up fading, I’ve had to accept that it’s unlikely that I’m going to have more children.

    I try not to dwell, and focus on my kid. Be thankful that I get to be a mom at all, and enjoy the experience of being a solo mum to an only child.
    Carolyn´s last blog ..Spoiling The Child

52. Rebecca @ Playground Confidential Said,

    January 27, 2010 @ 10:11 pm

    Man. Does it never go away, the yearning? I was hoping (am still hoping) that we may have one more sooner rather than later. But will I still want another after that one? Does age matter? Do I still have a full decade or more of hormonally dictated baby craving? Because I’m really, really hoping that a third baby will knock that right out of me.
    Rebecca @ Playground Confidential´s last blog ..House Shopping, Toronto Style

53. Cristie Said,

    January 27, 2010 @ 10:21 pm

    I satiate myself with visions/dreams-whatever of fostering or adopting a houseful (not sure who’s house) of kids when mine are older/easier. Also, vodka is good too.

54. daysgoby Said,

    January 27, 2010 @ 10:25 pm

    YES. Exactly. I have little lists of names, share out the bedrooms in my head, all that stuff – while knowing that another surprise pregnancy would be welcomes (well, once we were over the SHOCK) but would be nothing but stress and worry the entire time. (My body does pregnancy well. Delivery?? NOT SO MUCH.)

    B was one of four. I was one of two. I always thought we’d have three. And now I miss the possibility of a three.
    daysgoby´s last blog ..rolling my eyes at myself

55. Jenny Said,

    January 27, 2010 @ 10:33 pm

    Sometimes I want another one, I have one little girl, but I know that my marriage can’t go through another round of post-partum hell, my baby girl doesn’t deserve a depressed mother, and really, I know my husband is really happy with the way things are, especially after we got the yearly statement from the daycare for our taxes! But sometimes, just sometimes, I want another baby, another little girl, but I think, if we can ever afford another child, we will adopt, it’s just better for our whole family if mommy is sane! But, I always just think, I have a healthy, wonderful, sweet girl, and a wonderful husband, this is enough, and anything else is a blessing.

56. Priscilla-wheelchair Mommy Said,

    January 27, 2010 @ 10:36 pm

    It does happen. We still havent done the big V but I know I shouldnt have another for my sake.

    It break my heart.

57. Elissa Said,

    January 27, 2010 @ 10:48 pm

    I’m super clucky, and have been for the last few years. I understand the painful side of this longing – I feel it too. I’ve still got my child-bearing years ahead of me, though, so the bitter is usually overpowered by the sweet. But if it can be this painful now, with everything looking good for this desire being fulfilled in a few years, I can understand how ick it can be from the other end – you have my sympathies.

58. Another Suburban Mom Said,

    January 27, 2010 @ 10:55 pm

    I have to admit, that I do not want to raise any more children. I do not have any more patience, and now that my youngest seems all done with potty training (don’t taunt me toilet gods, I’m not bragging) However I would love to be pregnant again.

    Lets just say that if I was asked to be a surrogate by a close relative who could not have her own baby, I would seriously consider it.
    Another Suburban Mom´s last blog ..Random Dozen

59. Mandy Said,

    January 27, 2010 @ 11:16 pm

    Every day I think about this. We wanted a third child. Ideally, I would have had four if I’d started young enough. So we decided to get pregnant with a third “if it happened”. And it happened right away in fact. And then we lost our 24 week old in-utero baby to a horrible, “so few people get it we have almost no statistics on it” genetic disease. And it’s scarred us beyond belief. We both want another child. But going through that experience again would kill us. Not the couple “us”, but the deep down who we are in our heart of hearts “us”. And that would be so unfair to our beautifully perfect two boys.

    So we sit in limbo. Unable to make the decision of a vasectomy. Unable to dive head long onto the path that has two or three living children.

    And frankly, it is eating me apart. On some days.

60. Tanis Miller, RNM Said,

    January 28, 2010 @ 12:22 am

    Oh honey.

    I know this pain.

    Jumby was a temporary solution. But the ache still rears it’s head more often than I’d like…
    Tanis Miller, RNM´s last blog ..Aiming High by Bending Low

    

    Her Bad Mother Reply:
    January 31st, 2010 at 8:34 pm

    I know. xoxo
    Her Bad Mother´s last blog ..I Love The Smell Of Activism In The Morning

61. Amanda Said,

    January 28, 2010 @ 12:53 am

    Guess I’m the outlier again. We’re trying for a second (I seem less fertile this time, could it be the turning-38-in-a-week thing maybe?) but I would have been so glad to stop at one… except for my irrational fear that we will lose him. I want a backup.

    I love my son, he’s a treat and the easiest child you ever saw, but I daily wish I could hand him over to somebody else for a while. (Hush, I know not of this thing called “daycare”.) I can’t face the thought of having to breastfeed again. I fear VBAC or a less-easy Caesarian than the last one. I dread getting a difficult non-sleeper as payback for this mostly-easy first child.

    I’m not a natural mother. Neither was my mom or my dad’s mom. If I suddenly come down with this more-babies craving after the second (if we succeed at a second), it will be a cosmic irony.

62. Cindy Said,

    January 28, 2010 @ 12:54 am

    One of the reasons I read your blog is that you so often describe exactly how I feel. You are certainly not the only one. I’d say more, but our little angel (who also refuses to sleep – but Jasper is making progress, right?) is waiting for me to snuggle her to sleep. Thank you for writing everything that you do.

63. Sharon Said,

    January 28, 2010 @ 1:41 am

    No energy to read all the comments so if I am redundant, forgive me. I knew we were done at 2. I knew that I barely hold on to my patience and sanity at 2 kids. But I also had this little thought that if I wanted a 3rd, it would be before the end of my 40th year. Well, about a week after I turned 40, I found out I was in full-blown menopause. Even though I knew I was done, even though I knew my husband did not want more than 2 kids, even though I was SATISFIED and thrilled with the 2 I have, I burst into tears in front of my NP. Its one thing to think you’re done… Its another to find out your body made the decision for you.

    Now I am 41, past my false deadline. Of course, we haven’t tried (no plans to) and there are ways if we really wanted to seriously try for another baby. But I realized that what I was sad about was being done with a part of my life that I looked forward to for SO long. I can’t believe I’m past pregnancy, past nursing, past babies. That isn’t there for me to look forward to. There is so much more, SO much more to look forward to with my kids, but it felt like an ending for me and at 40, I wasn’t expecting that. I pictured more of a ‘fading away’ of the possibility.

    I’m not over it, but I just sort of have settled with it. What else can I do?

64. Rachael Said,

    January 28, 2010 @ 2:49 am

    Sometimes I wonder if that feeling ever goes away. I’m pregnant with my 2nd and I don’t want to be pregnant again. I was sick for 20 weeks and throwing up this time and it sucked. I’m happy, but I’m also happy that part is over. But I can totally see myself a year down the road pondering ‘what could be’.

65. cassey Said,

    January 28, 2010 @ 7:58 am

    I’m not a mom yet, but the baby on the mind thing has been going on for me too. Lucky for me I’m still young, so there’s time for us to have our little person…only I want him/her now even though we have plans falling into place. I hope you find a way for things to work for you.

    
    cassey´s last blog ..A lazy post

66. Shannon Said,

    January 28, 2010 @ 10:02 am

    If I could write as well as you, I would have written your post, word for word. It’s exactly how I feel. I have 2 healthy children, and at 33 years old, I still feel as if I am not done. For all the reasons you describe, I wonder if we could do it, but it doesn’t decrease my desire for another in the least.

67. Amanda Said,

    January 28, 2010 @ 10:09 am

    After 4 challenging pregnancies, 1 miscarriage, 2 premature babies with NICU stays, and around 60 triage/labor and delivery visits for preterm contractions, 7 overnight stays for preterm contractions, and around 7 months total on bedrest (not to mention PPD and anxiety) you’d think I’d know enough was enough. I think that my 3 healthy (thank god) children would be more than enough to quell the litle voice in my head that cries when I see videos of births and pictures of my friends’ brand new babies.

    But it’s not.

    I have a name picked out for the baby that will not come. I had the tubal in a moment of pure logic and gratitude for what we have and fear that the ability to get pregnant again would threaten all of it, especially as the last delivery was a c-section. I knew that even if my body could handle a pregnancy after having a c-section I did not think my mind or marriage could take the risk.

    I’ve talked about this “loss” with some of my friends. I think it’s simply a form of grief, and one that I’ll feel on and off…possibly even well past the time when getting pregnant again would EVER have been a possibility.

    It’s a small sadness and one that I remind myself I’m very, very lucky to be faced with. For me, it could have been so much worse-and I say thanks every day that my children, my husband, my mind, my body and my family is healthy-despite everything that has happened to us to get here.

68. Saisquoi Said,

    January 28, 2010 @ 10:25 am

    My husband and I go back and forth on this one. He has mostly resigned himself to giving me a second child because we agree that having siblings is largely a good thing. But he keeps saying things like, and then the clock will shut off, right?

    And I don’t think that’s how it works. I may well want more children after we have our second–if we are granted a second (the first wasn’t all that easy to come by). But a third would almost certainly necessitate a move from our small house, which we don’t want to do. A third would reduce the material opportunities we could provide for the other two. A third might well be too hard for us.

    Or it might not. What would be too hard is doing any of it without my husband, and I’m willing to stop at two if that’s what he needs.
    Saisquoi´s last blog ..Sweet Pea for my Sweet Pea

69. Stacey Said,

    January 28, 2010 @ 10:26 am

    I’m going to be 30 soon, and I have a 5 year old daughter. My partner is going to be 40, and he too has a five year old daughter. So our house is pretty crazy.

    He brought up the topic of a vasectomy recently, and I nearly cried. I hadn’t given much thought to having another baby, but once I thought over the finality of getting snipped I had a discussion with him over it. He’s not getting snipped now. Whether or not we’ll have another baby, who knows.
    Stacey´s last blog ..

70. kgirl Said,

    January 28, 2010 @ 10:29 am

    It’s happening to me right now. I just try to appreciate the fact that we *just* kinda turned a corner on this sleep thing, and C has been weaned for 3 weeks now so the fat should start to come off, and maybe we’ll just get a puppy. But trust me, my ovaries are threatening a mutiny. If they could immaculately conceive, they would.
    kgirl´s last blog ..Almost Wordless Wednesday: Baby Mug Shot

71. Anonymous Said,

    January 28, 2010 @ 10:57 am

    I’m being anonymous which is obnoxious but whatever.

    Having only recently decided that I want children I spend a good amount of time wondering whether or not I will have them. And honestly it wasn’t like I suddenly changed my mind but that some biological need to reproduce hit me. Hard. And my fear – now that I know how quickly a decade goes by – is that I’ll be in my mid-30’s and still not have children. Mid-30’s isn’t old or anything but I don’t want to wait until then to find out that I might not be able to have children and I really don’t want to be pregnant at 40.

    I always thought I would adopt but suddenly I’m faced with two nagging feelings that I really want to at least try to get pregnant and I don’t want to wait until it’s too late. I also have some really awesome baby names.

    Point is that I think it’s a hormonal thing to want more but – and don’t kill me for this – at least you have two. Meanwhile I’m terrified that I won’t even get one.

    Can you tell that I think about this a lot?

72. Elaine Said,

    January 28, 2010 @ 11:03 am

    Honestly? I felt like this until I had my third. She completed our family. And, this last pregnancy was kinda hard on my body too and I can name babies all day in my head if I want but the yearning for more is GONE.

73. Monica Said,

    January 28, 2010 @ 11:06 am

    As I type this, I am nursing my 3.5 month old (who was unplanned), thanking jeezus my 2.5 year old had nursery school today, and worrying about my 5 year old’s motor planning issues…and yet, I STILL feel incredibly sad that this will be my last baby. It makes no rational sense. Sometimes, though, I think that I would like to experience a normal pregnancy and a birth I feel good about almost as much as I want another baby. I would like to know my body could do one thing right. Unlike other women, I also really love my pregnant body. It has been the only time in my life when I actually feel good about myself and really take care of myself. So…there are a lot of things wrapped up in the decision to be done having babies. I hope you find peace with your choice.
    Monica´s last blog ..heartbeataway: @MommasGoneCity for my son with motor planning issues, the wii has really helped his coordination & trunk and neck strength.

74. kootnygirl Said,

    January 28, 2010 @ 11:17 am

    I have come to believe that there is never ONE answer for any question, least of all this one, but in my case, I think I just *knew* that I was done after 2.

    I’d always wanted two, I got started late, had 2 wonderful pregnancies and relatively easy children, so I count myself lucky.

    What I have learned is that as surely as I only wanted two, there are other mothers who only want one, or who feel the absolute need to have 6. At one time I may have secretly (or not so) tried to convince them to change their mind, but now I understand that would be akin to someone trying to convince me to have a third, and I wouldn’t take kindly to that at all. Sometimes I toy with the idea of having 2 more (because 3 wouldn’t be a good fit for us), but I know deep down it’s just a flirtation because at my age the ultimate answer will always be ‘no’.

    The trick, of course, is knowing the difference between pangs of curiosity (or hormones) and a true, genuine yearning for more children.
    kootnygirl´s last blog ..i’ll get right on that

75. Casey Said,

    January 28, 2010 @ 11:19 am

    When people ask me, I tell them that we are likely going to have more kids. Sometimes, I’m not sure though. I think part of it for me was not knowing that my 2nd would (possibly) have been the last time I got pregnant, the last time I felt a baby move, the last time I nursed, etc. I think by not having that decided I missed a chance for some closure. I wouldn’t decide to have more because of those reasons. However, I do have those feelings you described. I think it’s normal. I know some women just know, but I’ve heard from others that they didn’t just know and it was always there at least a little bit.

76. foradifferentkindofgirl (fadkog) Said,

    January 28, 2010 @ 11:30 am

    This post and all the feelings within it has made me cry. I cry so very often over this very subject that I need to come back and comment when I can see better!

77. Heather Said,

    January 28, 2010 @ 11:33 am

    Oh my goodness, yes, it does happen. We have two beautiful, healthy girls. I had great pregnancies and easy deliveries. Post-partum depression left me reeling, though. We knew that two was all we could financially and physically handle. I had my tubes tied. I cried waiting for the surgery. I still cry sometimes, 2 years later.

    Some days I think have the surgery was the smartest decision I ever made. Other days, I hope to be that 1 in a million “oopsie! got pregnant anyway!” lady that everyone laughs about.

    I think about what we’d name that magical 3rd baby. How I’d do everything different this time: not take a minute of the pregnancy for granted, document every month in photos, do pregnancy yoga and write letters to my unborn baby.

    But I think back to those dark days after delivery when I was exhausted and contemplating suicide. When I just wanted the lights to go out and never wake up. I’m still exhausted. I’m still recovering. Things are getting better, though.

    I love my girls so much. I wish we could have more. I wish I was younger and had more support and more money for private schools and babysitters. Wishes don’t change things. This is what’s right for us, given the circumstances. This is what we can handle. This is really, really good.

78. Sheri Bheri Said,

    January 28, 2010 @ 11:37 am

    It took us 3 years to conceive DD, and here we are 6 years later with no luck conceiving another. (DH & I made a deal on no reproductive assistance.) Up until recently, whenever I had a wish (penny in fountain, birthday candles, first star, ect), whenever I said a prayer, it was for a baby.

    I don’t want DD to be an only, and when she cries for a baby sister, I cry too.

    Lately though, I think I may have lost (some) hope, because whenever I get a wish now, I wish for the desire to be taken away. Sigh. It’s not working.

79. darcie Said,

    January 28, 2010 @ 11:38 am

    oh. my. God.
    You put down in writing the thoughts that have been swaying in my head forever. The only difference is, I can’t bring myself to allow my husband to sign on for the Vas…he’s ready…more than ready (how often does THAT happen…) but it makes me sad…My pregnancies were difficult at best – and I don’t want to ‘chance it’ – plus, all the other things that you mentioned…
    It’s not that I’m not perfectly happy with the two gorgeous babies we did make-but I just wonder what if…
    GAH!
    Thank you for writing this – I need to come back and read all of the comments…soo soo nice to know I’m not all alone!
    darcie´s last blog ..Friday Fun…

80. Angela Said,

    January 28, 2010 @ 11:39 am

    I get it. I so get it. We’re currently pregnant with twin girls, which we probably can’t afford, moving from 1 child to 3 in one fell swoop. Stressing over how to fit three carseats into the backseat of a volvo. And yet while walking through the babiesrus I couldn’t help it. I already want one more.

    Seriously WTF is wrong with me??
    Angela ´s last blog ..Halftime

81. Annika Said,

    January 28, 2010 @ 12:26 pm

    I always wanted four. While I was having our second (literally, while she was crowning) I told my husband our family was complete. And I really meant it. I feel that our family is complete with two children. But I am mourning the idea of a large family SO much. And who knows, that desire for another baby may well kick in–the baby is only a month old.
    Annika´s last blog ..re-opening

82. » Regrets? Being Sara Said,

    January 28, 2010 @ 12:45 pm

    [...] of the bloggers I follow wrote a great post yesterday about her fleeting wishes.  Last year when I had Parker, I also had a tubal ligation.  Zach and I talked about it at great [...]

83. megan Said,

    January 28, 2010 @ 12:45 pm

    Wow, I will be the odd man out here. I have 9, one is my husband’s from a previous marriage, and the rest are ‘ours’. I always dreamed of a big family, love, love being pregnant, and am on a total honeymoon whenever I have a tiny baby to care for. We nurse for a couple of years, and generally have another baby. We have finally gotten to a point where we both tink we should be done, but we are Catholic, and at this point not yet practicing NFP (Natural Family Planning). My nursing does a good job of spacing babies, but my youngest is now 8 months, so we are entering what we laughingly call the ‘danger zone’. My last pregnancy was dangerous, and ended in a c-section.I would not care to repeat that exprience (though I would not have to unless the baby needed one again). I am 38 and still yearn, after 8 births. I don’t think it ever goes away. Mentally I am done, but religiously would never take any steps other than NFP to make sure that was the case. We live in a bit of limbo, but that’s really okay with me. I love that the mystery of life is not in my control. God sends who He wants to send, “Not my will but Thine” is hwat we have always lived by. I guess we will do NFP, and if He still sends another, it will be meant.
    megan´s last blog ..I’m Still Learning

84. Neen Said,

    January 28, 2010 @ 2:07 pm

    For me it went away when my older boys were in about 4 and 5th grades. I had been diagnosed with an incompetent cervix after 3 miscarriages, and after the break up of my marriage I’d given up the thought of my own wee girl and just loved on my nieces.

    Of course, then, I got pregnant when they were in 9th and 10th grades and my doctor told me, “Hmm, guess it fixed itself.” WTF!!!

    So, (as I explained to my totally mystified sisters) I would never trade any of my kids for all the money, sleep or peace of mind in the world, but the idea of starting all over again when my boys were proto-adults and I was just starting to get a taste of real freedom set me on ass.

    And now, after having my younger 2, I am done. No more yearning, my youngest will graduate high school when I’m 58 and I’ll have spent my ENTIRE adult life doing what I love. So, good deal after all. (but it would still be nice to get a full night sleep or to be able to go to the bathroom without somebody banging on the door!)

    I guess what I’m trying to say in a very long winded way, is that when you get the perspective of time and start having dreams of “when the kids have moved out,” and worrying about how soon they’ll make you a gramma, (please God, not too soon!), the idea of another baby fills you with more dread then hope.

85. Accidents Said,

    January 28, 2010 @ 2:11 pm

    Get out of my head!

    After I had vowed to never be pregnant, and never likely have children, like EVER, I am now near the first birthday of an accidental pregnancy I decided to keep because I didn’t “want to interfere with” what my body was going through. I was too fascinated by it.

    And now, now that I’ve broken through that threshold, HAD a child, I’m trying to figure out if I want another. The idea of planning a child is absurd to me. Or “for me” I should say–makes sense for other people, but as one who thought she would be “child-free” (without the annoying politics) I simply cannot imagine *choosing* to have a child, even after I technically chose to keep Henry (when abortion would have been a difficult but altogether doable option for me).

    The point of “get out of my head” though, is that I have never been into baby names, nor can I find any particular longing for another child nor girl-child in my heart, and yet. Inexplicably, I said to my partner a few weeks ago, jokingly, “We’ll hold on to that for little Beatrice” and the name “Beatrice” has been bouncing in my head, confusing me, ever since.

    Am I about to get my effing period back (bfing) or something? Because shit, this is weird for me.

    (and thank you for your post, thank you)
    Accidents´s last blog ..Hugs and…

86. Meg Said,

    January 28, 2010 @ 2:17 pm

    Hoo boy. You hit the nail on the head with this one. I do the same thing. I sometimes feel like I physically ache, the want is strong. It’s something that comes and goes in waves. Glad to know I’m not the only one.

    Also? I got a dog instead of a baby and she’s now a spoiled member of the family. I’ve been accused of babying her too much and I know that I do, but dammit if I don’t want something else to nurture!

87. Liz Said,

    January 28, 2010 @ 2:48 pm

    Thank you so much for posting this. I have lately been going through the same thoughts/feelings. I also had issues with my last pregnancy – complications/premie, depression, hurt my back (after giving birth -long story). But lately I seem to have the heightened awareness of babies and pregnant women and it doesn’t help that a good percentage of the blogs that I read have pregnant mommies/newborns on them! My mom went thru early menopause and I am almost certain I will too so my fertile days are really coming to a close soon and I think that kind of freaks me out, too.

    Funny thing, though, once I shared my thoughts about having another baby with my hubby – the desire really dissipated. It was really strange. I don’t know if it is b/c I plopped the ideas into someone else’s lap or it allowed me to think more about the negatives than the pros (really I think I enjoyed my pregnancies/newborns a lot more than any time after that). Honestly, I realized that these babies grow up and become toddlers. And that was where my depression really started.

    another funny thing, both my husband and I have talked about having a 3rd child we would like to name it something with the initials JT – and last year, we got a dog and my husband named him JT! well, there goes that idea!! lol

    Adoption has also been discussed but another thing that is holding me back on any babies is that I am just getting started on a new career – teaching – and I don’t want to deal with timing everything right. The “accident” idea sounds so much better than trying to time everything perfectly, between hormones, body, work, life.

    thanks again for talking about this…really thought provoking.

88. Heather Said,

    January 28, 2010 @ 3:07 pm

    I am strugglng with the exact same feelings. At least for mysef, I am starting to think that I am going to feel both sad and relieved in equal measures, that I might always wonder what it would be like to add another great kid in my family and also feel relief that I didn’t.

89. Rose Jane Said,

    January 28, 2010 @ 4:51 pm

    *CORRECTION*
    This should have been a comment.
    Not a reply.

    With all the anxiety of past pregnancies and post-partum, I think one has to also consider the possibility of being able to handle miscarriages. I know that some may consider this another kettle of fish, but I think it’s a reality of jumping into the, “trying to have another baby” game. I have two healthy, happy children, but just had two miscarriages, trying for our third. I never thought it would happen to me. But as I am discovering from others, it’s a reality and something that happens to many who have had successful pregnancies in the past.

90. jerseygirl89 Said,

    January 28, 2010 @ 6:27 pm

    I had my tubes tied while having c-section number 3. And I can’t say I regret it, but I have moments like the one you described and I don’t have any methods for fixing them. Well, except for that right now my youngest is throwing a huge toddler tantrum that includes flinging toys at me. And I kind of look forward to not having to deal with these again.

91. statia Said,

    January 28, 2010 @ 6:33 pm

    I feel like I could have written this entry myself. I kind of have on some level. I got my tubes tied after our last one (a very big surprise pregnancy after being infertile. Also very unwelcome as my husband basically told me days before I found out I was pregnant, that he didn’t want anymore kids. oops) My daughter is 8 months and even though I’m kind of still in the throes of babyhood, she’s not my infant anymore. She doesn’t sleep on my chest. I will never be pregnant again.

    It’s like a sucker punch to know that it’s taken from you so fast like that. One day you’re pregnant, and the next you’re not, and then just like that, you know it’s over. Even though I’ve made some peace with it, and I look forward to my children getting older (and life, on some level, getting easier), I will always have this little nagging sadness in my heart, knowing that it’s over.
    statia´s last blog ..Good to know the rest of you are crazy too.

92. My Goosey Said,

    January 28, 2010 @ 8:59 pm

    Suburban Turmoil linked to your blog on her recent post. I have been reading through a few of your postings, I have to say I am hooked. I only have a family blog which has pictures for family to look at. I admire anyone with your talent for writting. I suffered through postpartum depression and worry after 18months if I am capable of going through that again. I do daydream about the possibility of another baby. I tell myself that the next time will be different and that I will actually get to enjoy the newborn stage. But, I’m not quite ready just yet.

93. Rachel Boldman Said,

    January 28, 2010 @ 9:25 pm

    I have these feelings ALL. THE. TIME. I had a pretty severe case of postpartum depression after Zeke (my first and only–but I’m young!) was born. Sometimes I want a baby SO BAD! But then I remember what I went through, or Zeke throws something at me. Ugh. The feelings are so mixed. If you know how to get rid of these feelings, please tell me!

    Are you going to Blissdom? Hope to meet you there!

94. Miss Grace Said,

    January 28, 2010 @ 10:37 pm

    I’m no help. I actively and definitively want more babies. The actual kind.
    Miss Grace´s last blog ..GTT – Beauty Secrets

95. lb Said,

    January 28, 2010 @ 10:40 pm

    Oh, I know those feelings so well. I really really wanted a fourth child, but hubby put his foot down. Too risky, too expensive, all those sensible things, but my heart didn’t care. My heart wanted more and more and more. When I thought about never feeling another baby move in my belly, never holding another newborn again, never nursing another infant, it about killed me. But my youngest is 3.5 now, and I do find it’s getting a little easier. I’m starting to think that it’s OK for us to move on to the next phase of life, the phase of having ‘big kids’ and to do it without a baby in tow. I mean, if something changed, if hubby came to me tomorrow and said “I’ve changed my mind, I do want another.” I’d do it in a heartbeat. But it doesn’t pull at me quite the way it used to, doesn’t make me tear up at unexpected moments. I’m slowly coming to terms with it, and I hope you will too.

96. Courtney Said,

    January 28, 2010 @ 10:47 pm

    What a heartbreakingly beautiful post – this is my first visit to your blog, and I’ll be back. I wish you peace.

97. Leah Said,

    January 28, 2010 @ 10:50 pm

    I’ve heard this same thing said by women going through menopause. It’s not that they WANT another baby or that it’s even a possibility (or a good idea), but there’s something awful about losing your fertility, losing your youth, that is very sad for a lot of women.

98. Heather Said,

    January 28, 2010 @ 10:55 pm

    I do feel this. Even though we are done. I know that I am done. I FEEL done. BUT. I still look at pregnant women with a tinge of jealousy. After my 3rd c-section the doctors said I shouldn’t have any more kids so besides the fact that my husband had the V too there’s that. I’m guessing I’ll always feel those twinges, at least until my body is no longer biologically able to produce children.
    Heather´s last blog ..Naptime Limerick

99. Dina Said,

    January 28, 2010 @ 11:06 pm

    OMG I an so THERE. There are times when I just yearn for another baby. But I’m 44 years old and so the decision has already been made for us, pretty much. Even if we decided to try for another baby, well who knows. We don’t even go there. I just ride out the hormonal yearnings, keeping the rational part of my brain repeating the reasons why having a third would be insane: College tuition! Potential medical complications for me and baby! Giving up my home office for the kid’s bedroom! Another 5 years of being a SAHM or paying daycare bills! See? There it’s gone, poof!

100. Kimberley Aitken Said,

     January 28, 2010 @ 11:19 pm

     I catch myself thinking in my head: When I have a little girl one day I will teach her…

     Then I have to stop myself because I realize I may never have a little girl. I have two boys, I’ve had two kicks at the can and I am pretty sure there will not be third ‘kick’ happening anytime soon if ever. But, I can’t stop thinking about what I would teach or share with my daughter.

     Our minds work in mysterious ways.
     Kimberley Aitken´s last blog ..WTF Please Call Me Out!

101. Val Said,

     January 29, 2010 @ 1:20 am

     I felt the same kind of heartache when I decided to get married. I loved (and still do love) my husband and we are a great match and I am thankful every day that I was lucky enough to marry him. But still, there are those wistful moments when I think that I will never fall in love again, never again have a first kiss, etc. Part of it is the fact that I got married when I was just barely 22. I never sowed my wild oats, so to speak. But I am SO happy with our relationship, marriage, whatever you want to call it, 7 years later. You have to acknowledge the grief for what is lost (possibility and opportunity) and be grateful for what is found (maturity, understanding, shared history).

     I think it is the same with babies. Right after I had my son (16 months ago), I told myself, “self, remember this feeling. never do this again. you can’t handle this.” And felt much the same for about 6 months. Now, I spend a lot of time lamenting the fact that our house is too small (and budget too tight) to have another one right now! Our minds/bodies are amazing in that whatever emotion we feel at the moment feels like the only emotion we could ever feel! Sometimes my heart feels like it will burst with love for my son. And sometimes (within 12 hours – or 12 minutes), the only thing that consoles me is the fact that in a few years I can send him to school for the day!

     I guess your decisions just have to be based on which emotions prevail most often!

     If there is anything that years have therapy has taught me, it is that everything passes – panic, wistfulness, joy. The more I remember this, the less stock I give to the sadness and panic and ennui (man was that word ever created for motherhood) and the more I cherish the joy when I feel it.

102. MakingTime Said,

     January 29, 2010 @ 1:31 am

     I keep wondering. It’s definitely hormonal (and like previous poster said – chilbearing is such an incredible intense phase of life… Exhausting but hard to close the door on).

     Just found your blog. Love it. And thanks for talking about your dad. My dad died two years ago and it sucks. I second the recommendation for A Grief Observed, and also The Time Traveler’s Wife – not a perfect book, but the idea is fascinating and it’s stuck in my mind a long time. Time and memory are weird – I think they cause us all to live life a bit like the time traveler.

103. Heather Said,

     January 29, 2010 @ 1:42 am

     It happens to me. All the time. I always wanted “a few” kids. I was never sure exactly how many, but things haven’t worked out that way… I have one, perfect, healthy 7 year old… we lost 2 after him, then got divorced. I’m 1 year divorced, and approaching my 35th birthday rather quickly. I’m starting to (TRY) to accept that my son may be an only child. I say it outloud, a lot, to make myself used to it. But, my heart, and my womb literally ache for another child…. of course, that would involve the man of my dreams making an appearance, and I’m pretty sure he took a wrong turn and got lost

104. mamaspeak Said,

     January 29, 2010 @ 4:57 am

     You put into words so well what I’ve been feeling for so long. My husband was all ready to “get the snip” 6 weeks after our 2nd child and I said to hold off. I couldn’t articulate why except to tell him to read DGM’s post on “the snip” and say it scared me. But really it was more that it was just so final.

     I’m 41, so it’s not realistic. I’ve had serious back problems since my 3yo was 6mo old. She’s a handful (snort, that’s an understatement) and if I had another like her I’d be in my grave in a couple months. I KNOW all that.

     My family is perfect. We have two smart, beautiful, perfect children. I don’t long for a boy (we have 2 girls) in fact, I fear that I’d get a boy, I love the experience of my girls so much, I want another. I ache for another. I want so much to be pregnant again. To have that experience and savor it. (I had wonderful pregnancies & deliveries.) To be able to nurse another tiny baby in the middle of the night & smell the top of her head with that new baby smell and snuggle with her while we rock. I want it so bad I can smell it.
     I shouldn’t want it, but I do.
     mamaspeak´s last blog ..Rite of Passage — The Haircut

105. wm Said,

     January 29, 2010 @ 9:32 am

     You’ve portrayed the tension between our mammalian instincts (focused on unhindered reproduction) and our logical minds very well. It’s a difficult tension to deal with. But I guess I try to remember that it’s evolution speaking through you.
     wm´s last blog ..Lessons from Nurture Shock

106. The Queen of Hyperbole Said,

     January 29, 2010 @ 10:41 am

     I think about this all the time. Intellectually, I know that another baby makes no sense, but romantically, I want one. My guess is that it’s biological, this desire to keep on procreating.

107. Catherine Said,

     January 29, 2010 @ 2:14 pm

     I am 44, mother of one five-year-old, and leaving in a few minutes to go see my friendly old fertility doctor to talk about donated embryos. That’s how crazy I am. My son was IVF at 39. Had two miscarriages when he was two and three. Thought we were done. Adoption started rearing its head. I tried to push it away. We have no money, no space, our kid is wonderful in every way. Had horrible post-partum depression after his birth, which challenged my marriage. We are fine now.
     But the baby-hungries, they are like drums in my heart. My husband is not exactly excited to have another, could not deal with adoption, it turned out primarily because of not being sure of prenatal care. So, embryo donation? I’m looking into it.
     Probably we won’t end up doing it. We are older and our finances are now stable, but only just. Not a lot of space. It’s crazy.
     But I hold my neighbor’s newborn in my arms and it’s like coming home. I can’t describe it.
     I’m crazy, but it’s time to go to the fertility clinic now, so I’ll stop.
     Catherine´s last blog ..Independence, inter-dependence

108. Erin Said,

     January 29, 2010 @ 5:15 pm

     I just wanted to say that I’m pregnant with #2 and I’m *already* second-guessing our decision to have only two. We found out the sex of the baby on the ultrasound a few weeks and somehow finding out made things shift inside me – it was like, wow, this is my family, this is it, no more wondering, no more surprises. It made me feel empty in a way I would not have imagined, and I started thinking – maybe we could have three . . .But the fact is that we can*not* have three. I had hyperemesis in both pregnancies, and the second has been way worse than the first – the debilitating vomiting/dehydration, trips to the ER, fear and anxiety and severe depression were crippling – I almost went on short term disability because I couldn’t get out of bed for weeks. My husband said no more, we can’t go through this again. And I agree. But. . .

109. Mary Stewart Said,

     January 29, 2010 @ 6:17 pm

     I think I will always want one more no matter how many I had. We have two, one of each, and my husband had a vasectomy when our daughter was six months old. That was always our plan. When we first started dating and talking about things like this, I wanted three, he wanted one so we settled on two. But I do hope for a happy accident every once in awhile. I even told my husband last month that if I was pregnant and it was a girl I wanted to name her Grace. This is how I manage to deal with it, and I mean JUST ME, I know that just ONE more would never be enough. I know that no matter how many I had I would always want one more.It might sound crazy but it helps me. I am completely aware that I am going to feel like this forever and I am alright with that.
     Love your stuff
     Mary

110. Susan Said,

     January 29, 2010 @ 8:39 pm

     You hit the nail on the head for me!

     I just had a tubal ligation done in December for a lot of reasons (health, finances etc…..). My kids are almost 6 and 4. It took me 3 1/2 years to get to the point of being okay with it, I agonized over that decision. Now that there is closure and there isn’t a huge possibility of an oops, I am REALLY okay with it. Sure I think we’ll all wonder what another baby would be like etc….its human nature and biology (I agree with that!).

     So with that in mind (knowing that it IS human nature), I am choosing to do my best to enjoy the AWESOME kids here with us now.
     My mom always said “look forward and not back” and that is what we do our best to do.

111. Sierra Black Said,

     January 29, 2010 @ 9:25 pm

     My husband and I recently decided that we’re done having kids, though we haven’t done anything to make that decision permanent yet.

     I felt (feel?) a little conflicted about it: I love kids, I love my kids, I always pictured myself having a big family, I’m young and had healthy pregnancies and relatively easy births…

     I know a lot of women in their early forties who regret not having more children, or feel bitter that their husbands said no when they wanted more.

     I really do not want to wind up there in ten years. But. There’s so much more I want to do with my life. Right now, and hopefully going forward, I’m just focusing on alll the great things I can put my energy into now that I’m not pregnant or caring for an infant for the first time in six years.

     I get to sleep at night. I can work for money, do stuff I love. I can have ENTIRE CONVERSATIONS. I can read books. I can travel.

     This is running long, and deserves it’s own post later. But I just wanted to say that I’m finding a lot of freedom in being done with babymaking, even though I’d have been happy to have more babies.
     Sierra Black´s last blog ..Choosing a Greener Life Together

112. Life with Kaishon Said,

     January 30, 2010 @ 11:26 am

     Good morning. I am visiting from the blog awards today. Congratulations on your nomination.

     I can’t imagine what you are feeling or experiencing. I imagine that is very difficult.

     My husband keeps saying he isn’t ready for a baby yet. This makes me nervous as I am VERY old (As in 33) : ) I long for a baby and pray that this is the year I will get pregnant!
     Life with Kaishon´s last blog ..All you need is love…

113. sixis Said,

     January 30, 2010 @ 2:51 pm

     I was so sad when we decided to stop. We stopped at 2, mostly because my second was born when I was almost 41. Saying goodbye to the possiblity of a third was traumatic, no matter how sensible/realistic, etc. it was. Having had two pretty healthy kids at 36 and 41, I was pushing my luck to try again at 43. [And yes, I know just how incredibly fortunate I am to have conceived them at all.] I just couldn’t take the risk of a bad outcome for their sakes. I know a lot of people would disagree. But I know that I wasn’t strong enough. Good luck. It’s tough, but it does get easier. Envisioning life with both kids in school, no diapers, no teething issues, eventually no sitters for dinners out. Sort of a nice consolation.

114. What was wrong with me. « Accidents will happen. Said,

     January 30, 2010 @ 9:24 pm

     [...] days ago, I commented on a blog post over in the HerBadMother-hood where she had written about her conflicting feelings on the possibility or non-possibility of more [...]

115. Accidents Said,

     January 30, 2010 @ 9:26 pm

     So above? I commented about strangely entertaining ideas of another child very recently despite it being totally out of character for me? And I joked, “am I about to get my period back, or something” (been breastfeeding for almost a year).

     Well, yeah. I got it back. TODAY. These effing bodies, I swear. Who is in control here?
     Accidents´s last blog ..What was wrong with me.

116. kim Said,

     January 31, 2010 @ 12:45 am

     I’m done. I spent the first five months of this year in major angst, trying to process the fact that I was only going to have one child (we were unemployed, no money for fertility treatments, much less reaing the kid, I was 43, etc.) I worked hard at it (and firmly believe it is a form of grief, and that there would always be moments when it hurt) when blammo, I got pregnant. 3 days before our insurance expired.
     This pregnancy was far easier than my first, but I still spent the entire time saying, never again. Sometimes it was because I felt like crap, sometimes to remind myself to pay attention. I will miss feeling the baby move. Everything else? Not so much.
     I’m 44, this last girl has a chromosomal abnormality (very minor, but still) and I have the family of four I’ve always wanted. I may wonder what a son would be like, but I don’t think I’ll yearn for one. I’m excited to have Hubs get the snip.

117. Best of this Week’s Web — ChildWild Said,

     January 31, 2010 @ 11:02 am

     [...] What a Girl Wants: Her Bad Mother was on fire this week, and I could totally put everything she wrote on this list. But I picked one, and it was this essay about wanting and not wanting another baby. I’ll probably do my own post later this week on where I’m at with that, but let’s just say she touched a nerve. Go read! [...]

118. phoenix Said,

     January 31, 2010 @ 2:57 pm

     margaret kay, because in the fantasy world in which my body and brain and lifestyle and sanity and two bedroom home can handle another baby, i get to choose to have a girl.

119. lizneust Said,

     February 1, 2010 @ 12:08 am

     I read this days ago, and started to cry. It cut just too close to home.

     So here goes. I have been pregnant four times but I only have 2 children. Each of them was a wanted child. The first pregnancy was the one that still makes me cry when I least expect it. I was 17 weeks pregnant – going for the big sonogram to find out if it was a boy or girl. We were so excited – out of the woods and into the second trimester. I’d stopped being sick. They said it was a good sign being so sick. We were completely unprepared for the “I’m so sorry.” It was a boy, and no one knows why he died.

     My second pregnancy was our eldest daughter. She was conceived just before the first baby would have been born. I would have never met this amazing little girl – we just celebrated her 6th birthday today. She is so wonderful, and funny and awesome. I cannot imagine never meeting her. But I still mourn that little boy. Even though I couldn’t have had him and the goofball who sings Abba off-key.

     My third pregnancy was pretty uneventful, although I started having really painful back spasms. After my second daughter was born, we weren’t sure what we wanted to do. We’d always talked about three. When she was 2, we decided to go for number three.

     I got pregnant so fast the 4th time. We were overjoyed and cocky. The day before my first OB appointment, I miscarried. I was sad, but we could try again, right? Two weeks after the miscarriage, my back quit working. Three bulging discs, 12 months of hard core physical therapy, and a fleet of doctors telling me that another pregnancy wasn’t a good idea.

     So I mourn that baby, too. The one who wasn’t even a sonogram picture, and the one who had countable arms and legs. But I also mourn the possibility of future children I am not going to have. That third child I am never going to have – a boy? a girl? And I imagine them – all three of them with my two girls – running around our house and making noise.

     You’re not alone.

120. haley Said,

     February 1, 2010 @ 2:18 am

     I remember coming home from the hospital with my daughter, now 2, sitting down in her nursery and crying because now she would start growing up. The day she was born, I started grieving the loss of her babyhood. Now, I’m starting to feel twinges for a second, but I think, ‘the sooner I have a baby, the sooner it will grow older and I’ll be sad that I don’t have a baby again.’ How psycho is that?

121. Trenches of Mommyhood Said,

     February 1, 2010 @ 8:04 pm

     This feeling I know all too well. As the mother of 3 boyz, I will always, I think, yearn for the little girl I never had. Her name would be Lydia.
     Trenches of Mommyhood´s last blog ..Are You Google-able?

122. Stephanie Said,

     February 2, 2010 @ 9:42 am

     Wow.

     I am so incredibly glad I found your blog, and so surprised that I haven’t before. I have a 10 month old named Jasper, and he surprised us by coming 2 months early, at 31 wks, 5 days. His birth was beautiful, but also terrifying, and the doctors who were there didn’t help.

     My husband had a vasectomy, in part because of our experience and in part because Jasper was born with a form of thrombocytopenia, which would repeat in any subsequent births. We’re actually still dealing with it–we have an appointment with a new hematologist for him today. I recently wrote about the daughter we’re never going to have (http://www.casadekaloi.com/2010/01/this-bird-has-flown.html)..and..I don’t know. I understand where you are coming from.

     I’m so glad to have found you.
     Stephanie´s last blog ..what we’re doing tomorrow

123. Mary @ Holy Mackerel Said,

     February 2, 2010 @ 10:39 am

     Such a difficult thing. I too have gone through this over the past few years. My two children are now older, but I still think about the possibility of having a third, although I’m now entering menopause. There is still a part of me that wishes I had gone for it, had the third, instead of hesitating because hubby said he was done, that two was enough.

124. Milissa Said,

     February 2, 2010 @ 3:13 pm

     I guess I am a bit of the “odd woman out” in this discussion, but I can honestly say that I have zero desire to have another child.

     We have a son who is 2.5 and is (mostly) a joy. He sleeps and eats like a champ, he’s smart and lovely and just generally wonderful. People are always telling us that we should have another. Don’t you just love people?

     Back when my husband and I were discussing whether to have kids, we “decided” that we wanted none or two, not one. So we got started and had Kid #1…and neither one of us ever got the urge, desire, or “pull” to have Kid #2. I have tried to picture our family down the road, with another child, but that picture just won’t come to mind. I can only ever picture the three of us. For us, the old adage about just knowing when you are done having kids is 100% true.

125. Crystal West Said,

     February 7, 2010 @ 11:45 pm

     Gosh I feel the exact same way. Horrible last pregnancy, complete placenta previa, vertical uterine incision. I was urged to have my tubes tied but in that moment on the operating table I couldn’t do it. Now, 18 months later I am scheduling my husbands vasectomy with that same running list of baby names going through my head. I know it’s best for me and my family but still…

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