This was the week that I let my Bad Mother flag really fly, I think. I mean, sure, I have, in the past, covered such established bad ground as spanking my preschooler and nursing another woman’s child and dressing my kid up as a Droog, but that ground is pretty well-trodden – doesn’t everybody use A Clockwork Orange as a reference when costuming their kids for Halloween? – and in any case, I don’t think that you can really call yourself a bad parent until you start blaspheming Santa. Which I totally did.
How bad have I been? Let’s crunch the numbers:
1) I blasphemed Santa, if calling out Saint Nicolas as a vampire can be considered blaspheming, which I’m pretty sure it can.
2) And even if it can’t, using him as a disciplinary tool doesn’t exactly count as good.
3) Nor does comparing snowflakes to penises and guns.
4) Or admiring weaponized strollers.
1) I aided and abetted my daughter in totally drag-ifying the Christmas tree that she had to decorate for school, and that’s good, right?
2.) Also, I laughed at her jokes.
3.) And I let Jasper puke in my hair.
4.) And I decided that I had to draw the line somewhere. I drew it here.
I think that I’m probably running evensies on the bad/good thing, although if you consider that I also missed Emilia’s school Christmas concert this morning that probably tips the scale. HOWEVER I am taking her to see Disney-Does-NHL tonight, and we all know that anything Disney is automatic WIN. Then again: PRINCESSES.
And I don’t know how to factor in the fact that I hit my head, or my attempt (good!) and failure (bad!) to produce home-baked goods for my daughter’s school Christmas party which, did I mention, included a concert component that I failed to attend.
So: 4g – 4b – 1mc +1d – (x)p +/- fba /head injury [where g is good, b is bad, mc is missed concert, d is disney, p is princesses, fba is failed baking attempt and head injury is head injury] =LIQUOR. I think.
Math is hard.