Getting Down To Business

May 15, 2008

Why I have to have this baby this weekend, or else:

1) Because if I have to go through another full day or night of ‘false’ but nonetheless really f*cking painful labor contractions, I may be compelled to shoot myself in the head, or dope myself to sleep with vodka, and neither of those things would be good for the baby, would they?

2) Because my current daily ratio of sleeping to not-sleeping, given the above, in hours as measured on a 24-hour clock – 2:24.

3) Because once tonight’s episode of Lost is over, I’ll only have 6 days and 23 hours in which to get this baby out and sorted so that I’m back on schedule to watch the next episode, next week.

4) Because it’s my birthday next week, and a) I’d prefer that this child be born at least a few days before or after my own birthday, and I’m not waiting until next weekend (see #’s 1 – 3 above), and b) I’d very much like to have a vodka martini on that day, and not one that is cut with castor oil.

5) Because, have you seen me lately? I am the size of a small dirigible. And if this baby was pushing 8lbs over two weeks ago – even allowing for margins for error – I do not even want to contemplate how big he will be next week.

6) Because I’m ready. We’re ready. It’s time.

So, having exhausted all other options except Eggplant Parmesan (cooked eggplant being a couple of notches below castor oil on my personal list of stomachable foodstuffs and beverages), I’m pretty certain that I will be quaffing some castor oil within 24 hours of the closing credits scrolling onscreen for tonight’s episode of Lost. I am well aware that many of you will regard this as reckless, reckless behaviour, but still: am at wit’s end. Must act. Gastrointestinal discomfort, even in the extreme, is, at this point, among the very least of the physical evils that I face, including but not restricted to intermittent but ongoing painful labor and the many-days long stretch of no sleep caused by that labor. Diarrhea? MEH.

Am forging ahead. Hopefully, the next time you hear from me will be from the other side. Otherwise, expect more bitching.

PS -I refuse to confirm or deny any of the name guesses made on my last post, but I will say this: you will know. It may be a one-time only deal, but I will share the name with you. After I share it with him.

Related Posts with Thumbnails
Share!
  • email
  • Facebook
  • StumbleUpon

    { 61 comments }

    Bloor West Mama May 16, 2008 at 4:09 pm

    C, here is to hoping that your wish comes true and you are in labour right NOW. Wishing you all the best to you and your family:)

    ewe are here May 16, 2008 at 4:28 pm

    Raspberry leaf tea?

    Curry?

    Walking up stairs sideways?

    Cleaning the floor on all four?

    Well, these are just things the midwives at this end have been known to suggest… I hope he makes his entrance very soon for you.

    crazymumma May 16, 2008 at 6:01 pm

    You might want the ‘sweep and tug’ the midwives gave me to start it all up.

    sex? haha. I know. forget it. um. letting Wondergirl jump up and down on you?

    sryan May 16, 2008 at 6:02 pm

    Hang in there, you are doing great and it will all be worth it. If you need something to preoccupy your mind, make you laugh and offer some really good advice on how to live a more balanced life…check out the novel ” The Book of Mom” by Taylor Wilshire. Two of my mommie-friends gave me their copy. It is a novel about the struggles of motherhood and living an authentic life. A little self-helpie and a little New Ageie but a funny–goodie.

    Angela May 16, 2008 at 6:49 pm

    Oh my God. I keep checking in and checking in, et cet. I’m sending all of my Quick and Easy Delivery vibes your way right now!

    Land of Bean May 16, 2008 at 7:36 pm

    I was ginormous with our daughter and very anxious to deliver, so I totally feel your pain. I tried just about everything to no avail, except sex, because EWWW for many reasons. Best of luck!

    Kate May 16, 2008 at 7:49 pm

    the horrible “stretch and sweep” that I dreaded (and rightfully so, I might add), was the thing that put my labour over from “false” to the “real thing” in about 12 hours. It was painful and involved some crying on my part, but in the end it was what got things going.

    Karen MEG May 16, 2008 at 10:10 pm

    Good luck with and hope this is the weekend!

    For me, well a couple of long walks and wrapping presents, that’s what did it for me.

    womaninawindow May 16, 2008 at 10:40 pm

    Funny, I haven’t checked in for a few days ’cause I thought my stupid google account would prompt me with new posts (lying sack a ‘) and then I thought, Oh, she musta had the baby…….

    crunchycarpets May 16, 2008 at 11:39 pm

    Both mine were about a week late and both over 9 pounds….

    Your bahchina can handle it…

    You can handle it…

    Hang on….

    Sorry you are so uncomfortable..

    winner May 22, 2008 at 7:41 am

    Thanks to the owner of this blog. Ive enjoyed reading this topic.

    Comments on this entry are closed.

    Previous post:

    Next post: