Big Fish

October 18, 2006

My mother was and still is an inveterate teller of tall tales, especially in conversation with children. Any of you who read my interview with Mommybloggers.com will know that the very name for this blog originated out of an incident involving one of her tales, in this case a tale involving a crocodile, a bedroom closet, and one grandmother emulating Steve Irwin. She delights in the wide-eyed fascination of children with all things fantastic, and decided very early in her career as a mother that it was part of her job to keep the eyes of her own children and those of any children who accidentally wandered into range of hearing as wide as possible.

Accordingly, I grew up in a home in which it seemed entirely possible that there were sea creatures living in the plumbing and gnomes hiding in the closets. There were fairies and elves and imps and other magical creatures in the woods behind our house, and they lived in harmony with the animals there – the squirrels and birds that I saw every day, and the raccoons and skunks that I saw less often but knew well from the tracks in our backyard, tracks that my mother was very careful to point out and explain as evidence of the late-night forest creature moondances that occurred a few times each month. I knew that the forest creatures maintained harmony in their community through the frequent town-hall meetings that they held in a mossy stump – I knew this because my mother showed me exactly where they all sat during these meetings and held up various broken twigs and branches (used as benches) as evidence. I knew that I should never, ever pick toadstools, because if I did so I would be destroying the shelter of the littlest creatures of the forest.

I also knew that my sister and I came from a cabbage patch, and that if we unscrewed our bellybuttons, our bums would fall off.

I was reminded of my mother’s proclivity for storytelling while reading one of Jaelithe’s posts the other week, in which she raised the question (discussed with Andrea and, apparently, debated over at the Mom Trap, although I seem to have missed it, as I do everything these days) of whether lying to children undermines our credibility as parents. Do you tell your turkey-averse child that you’ve just put chicken on their plate for Thanksgiving dinner? Do you tell your child that Santa (or God) wants them to put their toys away? When your child asks, as Jaelithe’s did, about where the sun goes at the end of the day, do you tell them the truth or do you say, a la the Von Trapp children, that the sun has gone to bed and now must they?

I thought of my mother when I read this post because my mother, as should be clear from what I said above, never let the hard facts get in the way of a good story. She had it on good authority that the sun left our neighborhood at the end of the day so that he could go light up the neighborhoods of other children, who needed light so that they could play outside. She also had it on good authority that Curious George’s favorite food was lima beans, and that both God and Santa were always very happy when I picked up my toys.

The question is, was this deception? And if it was, does it matter?

In Plato’s Republic, the character of Socrates explains that there is a very great difference between a noble or fine lie, and a lie of the soul. The latter is the sort of lie that deceives in the most fundamental way – it turns a soul away from truth, puts that soul (understood as the seat of reason, among other things) on a path to ignorance. This is the worst kind of lie, because it corrupts the part of our being that is most uniquely human – that is, our reason, our ability (and desire) to seek out truth. The noble lie, on the other hand, tells the truth figuratively. Plato, among other classical philosophers, suggested that not every human soul was capable of perceiving and comprehending ‘truth,’ but that every human soul – every soul possessing the uniquely human faculty of reason, even in its most nascent form – could be turned toward truth. Set on the right path, oriented toward more correct opinions. Noble lies accomplish this work – they orient the souls of those who aren’t able, or are not yet able, to pursue truth directly.

When my mother told me that toadstools were shelters for magical creatures that I couldn’t see, she was, it might be argued, telling me a noble lie. Her lie did not obscure the truth; rather, it illuminated part of the truth for a mind that was not ready to perceive it in its fullness. Toadstools do indeed protect and nurture many creatures that human eyes cannot or do not see, and I should indeed be respectful of toadstools, and other flora and fauna, when I come across these. They are not mine to trample or use for my own amusement, and there is far greater potential stimulation to be gained from them in appreciating them as the remarkable works of nature that they are.

A very young child might not be capable of understanding the laws of planetary motion and the principles of a solar system, but she can understand that the sun has disappeared from our view, that it does so every day, and that it has something to do with the cycle of the day. We can explain that straightforwardly, or we can wrap it up in a story. Wrapping it up in a story presents the truth, or some portion of the truth, in terms that a child can understand. In terms that capture the child’s imagination, and so their curiosity.

There is something to be said for serving up the truth straighforwardly to children – for telling them the facts about the movement of the Earth and the sun, and the facts about the North Pole and about existence or non-existence of Tooth Fairies, and the truth about how little we know about what happens to us when we die. I certainly believe that we should never under-estimate childrens’ capacity for reason, and their ability to appreciate and understand ‘facts.’ And I believe strongly that the ‘truth’ – so far as I or anyone understands it – about the natural world and everything in it is as fascinating as story that my mother ever concocted.

But I think that what we gain from wrapping the truth in a story – and, occasionally, weaving fantastical tales that seem to incorporate no measure of truth – is this: we communicate to our children that the world is not prosaic, that it is a place of wonder. We teach them that the world, that life, holds many unanswered questions, and that even those questions that seem to have been settled are worth interrogating. We teach them to believe, and to doubt. We provoke their curiosity – we make them lovers of discovery, which in turn makes them lovers of wisdom. Philosophic puppies, as Socrates had it, but only in the best sense: joyfully bounding towards that which they do not know. Experiencing the unknown as an opportunity for play.

Still… my mother’s insistence, for years, that if I unscrewed my belly-button my bum would fall off is clearly an example of maternal deception. As was her insistence that there were never any mushrooms in her spaghetti sauce, that marshmallows were made of whipped cloud, and that if I lied the bottom of my tongue would turn black. And there’s an argument to be made that the belly-button lie might have contributed in some small part to some body-image confusion. But do these lies matter? My mother approached motherhood, and every second of interaction with her children, as an opportunity for fun, and my experience of childhood was entirely shaped by this ethos of laughter and discovery. And it had everything to do, too, with my love of story (supported, obviously, by the abundance of books in our household and frequent visits to libraries, but that’s another post.)

None of this is to say that deception qua deception, deception in the form of lies of the soul, should be embraced whole-heartedly. Only that it might have a place, alongside the nobler, poetic forms of lying, in making the worlds of our children rich and vibrant and alive with possibility.

What do you think?

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    { 58 comments }

    Pieces October 21, 2006 at 3:54 pm

    All I know is that Girlkiddo spent hours creating fairy houses on a camping trip this summer–hours that I was able to spend in blessed silence, reading to my heart’s content.

    What could possibly be wrong about that?

    penelopeto October 21, 2006 at 6:07 pm

    oh boy, i thought i commented yesterday, but clearly blogger ate my well-thought out, lucid opine.
    can’t redo it at this moment, so i’ll just say:
    nice job with the michael sowa’s.

    modmom October 22, 2006 at 2:47 am

    she sounds very entertaining!

    hautemama October 22, 2006 at 2:47 am

    That is the cutest thing I’ve heard in a long time!!! (if you unscrew your belly button, your bum will fall off) Your mom rocks!

    GIRL'S GONE CHILD October 22, 2006 at 3:25 am

    I love this post. Maybe my favorite post ever. I totally agree. Imagination is what happens when logic is superfluous. I believe wholeheartedly in story-telling for the sake of nurturing our childrens creativity and imaginations.

    As a writer and storyteller I think that storytelling is one of the only geniune ancient arts we have left. There is a great quote by Henry Miller that opens up my manuscript and it says…

    “Lies can only be embedded in truth. They have no separate existence… A good lie reveals more than truth can ever reveal. To the one, that is, that seeks truth.”

    By looking for the truth about fairies, one is looking for something bigger than truth. One is looking for the dream and the dream, in my opinion is the greatest gift of all.

    Thank you for this and I hope you pass it on to wonderbaby. You are better for it and so will she be.

    The imagination is so powerful. I would be lost without mine.

    gingajoy October 22, 2006 at 11:14 am

    you know, you’ve got gnomes, and plato’s republic all in one post here. i am just in pure awe…;-)
    (love it).

    you know i wholeheartedly agree with you–in every respect here. and you know what, we should not underestimate the ability of our children to accept several versions of a truth. my son adores tales of the moon being made of cheese, and the sun going to bed. another of his favorite books right now is “what makes night and day”–much more empirically sound, and (much to mummy’s boredom) he insists on having it read to him all the time. one does not undermine the other in his mind.

    my pregnancy is another example of how we try and creatively handle the truth. developmentally, is not ready to take on the full details of sex right now, but he knows “daddy planted a seed and mummy is making it grow.” and that is has something to do with penises and vaginas.

    so a) one form of telling does not mean the other is ruled out. our children are more adept at switching modes than we realize, and b) as if we have a complete handle on the “truthful” and scientific ways of telling things anyway.

    Jaelithe October 24, 2006 at 10:27 am

    You know, I have to say that I still think it is really weird that my post inspired this post because I AM NOT AGAINST STORYTELLING. AT. ALL. I AM A WRITER. And the post wasn’t meant to be serious at all. It was meant to be funny. Me, due to a momentary flash of weird mommy guilt, with a flashlight and a ball. Explaining planetary motions to a two-year-old. Funny.

    But there are so many comments here that I feel like no one will read my earlier comment where I tried to make my position on the subject more clear . . . *sigh* so goes life on the internets . . . maybe I will write a follow-up post on my blog sometime when I am not buying a house.

    Her Bad Mother October 24, 2006 at 11:05 am

    Jaelithe – I didn’t for one minute think that you were against storytelling! Not for a minute. This post wasn’t *negatively* inspired, it was positively inspired – your musings about what constitutes a lie and when or whether it matters just got me thinking. It provoked me to consider whether the stories my mother told me were good lies, useful lies or just lies. I’m still somewhat ambivalent on certain questions about the relationship between lying and storytelling.

    But, gah – this post wasn’t a rejoinder to or critique of yours, not by a long shot. It just picked up the question that you seemed to be grappling with (and grappling with well, I thought.) It was inspired by the questions you raised in your post. I’m really sorry if you thought that I took your post as some sort of anti-storytelling treatise – I absolutely did not take it that way! I thought it was great!

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