From The Bottom Of My Squished-Up, Fetus-Kicked Heart

April 17, 2008

Apparently, it was Blog Reader Appreciation Day yesterday. As might well have been expected, I missed it.

I’ve been a terrible blog citizen these past months. I still visit and read blogs – old ones, new ones (all the new ones that spring up like so many lovely flowers in my comments inbox, actually. Am like bumblebee; cannot resist the nectar of new stories…) – but I’ve rarely commented. It’s not that I’m not moved or inspired – words simply can’t express how much those stories move me – it’s that there have been just too many days since last fall, since the first difficulties of the pregnancy, since the anxieties that followed, since the subsequent relief turned to exhaustion, that I’ve felt unable to participate in the discussions. I read the posts, and then spurn the comments section, because I think, I haven’t the energy to jump in here, to make my voice heard, to cry or laugh or rage or love more than I have already done in the reading, I just can’t do it. And so I click away, making a mental note to e-mail the writer, or to Twitter their link, or something.

I rarely do.

There have been a great many days since last fall that I’ve considered shutting down this site entirely – retiring the personal stories and anecdotes and confessions that have so sustained me – and limiting my online writing to the paid gigs and other projects that this blog made possible for me. Just because I was so tired, and because I felt that I wasn’t holding up my end of the bloggy social contract. I crafted numerous posts like this one, apologizing, explaining, and then tucked them away in draft, not wanting to turn my feelings into an exercise in public self-flagellation. (I asked a dear friend over the weekend, how does one talk about not wanting to talk? how does one say sorry for that? *should* one say sorry?) And so I just kept returning to this space, my space, for the comfort and release of storytelling, of sharing, knowing that you were always still here, reading, listening, no matter what. And so I will keep returning, because I need this.

Yesterday, I received a card in the mail from Muscular Dystrophy Canada, thanking me and what they termed ‘my supporters’ for raising the third highest amount of money for MD in the marathon/charity walk last September. My supporters. My family’s supporters. You. All of you. Those of you who contributed, those of you who walked with me, and those of you have just always been there, listening and caring. All of you, who are so, so, so much more than just ‘supporters’ or ‘readers’. All of you, friends. Sounding boards. Welcoming shoulders, warm hands, open hearts.

I cried when I read the card, from gratitude, and from a keen sense of having not expressed that gratitude enough. I’m so fortunate, and so not sufficiently demonstrative enough in my gratitude for the good fortune that you all have helped me create and sustain. I want to promise that I’ll be better at it, that I’ll be a better friend, that I’ll comment everywhere, always.

But I can’t. I really am doing the best I can, and times are getting more challenging ’round here, and I may in fact become worse with this before I become better.

I just wanted you to know that I think about these things. That I think about all of you. That I way-so-more-than-appreciate-you. A lot.

xoxoxoxo

(Am closing comments because this post is just for you. I want you to just read it, and not concern yourselves with reassurances or back-pats or oh-no-thank-*you*s. I’m just laying this very small flower at your feet and stepping away. It’s yours. That is all.)

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